We're in Gemini
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
27May07 Sunday 9:26pm

And we're in Gemini now. Since last Sunday, I think. Too lazy to look it up. So far May Gemini for me has been all about my thoughts. I've had a couple epiphanies about my life and my behaviour and my ways of coping and/or not coping. I've come face to face with my normal modus operandi which is running away. I've had one of those, "oh! this is what you have to deal with when you stay instead of running away!"
Interesting.

So yes I'm confronted with staying put. Because I actually want to stay put and I'm not used to the commitment involved with staying put. Quite frankly, I've always been the 'if I don't like it, I'll just leave', person. And I'm not willing to leave. Well, not for a couple years anyway. ha ha!

I figure it had to happen sooner or later and I've reached that point in my life where I need to declare that I'm staying and face the repercussions of what happens in relationships when you stay rather than dive bombing in and swooping back out. sigh! It did have to happen sooner or later right?

There are certain things that work with staying, like building a strong foundation and not always being in survival mode. I've got to set up clear boundaries and discover new ways to relate that keep me feeling safe and contend with my need to flee. It's a big one that I'm working through. But the rewards, the peace of mind far out weigh the running. And gosh darnit (can you believe I didn't swear?) I can't sleep and run at the same time.

I've been looking at what drives me. I met a friend's boyfriend that I've heard not so nice things about. My first impression was, that guy is so mediocre for the crap he puts my friend through. Why does she stay? Maybe it's because she was single for a long time and she thinks that she has issues about making things work? Maybe she wants to be a couple? Maybe she is desperate as a couple friends have suggested.

I have to look at what keeps me going past the signals. With my last significant, I was ready to dump his ass as soon as he started acting like a simpleton. But then I worried that maybe I didn't give things a chance. Maybe I entered relationships with one foot already out the door. So I stayed a month longer than I should have. When I finally did dump his ass I berated myself for staying as long as I did. Which in cat years was a long time, in human, not so much. ha ha!

And with my most recent object of interest, I think I've been so focused on having a 'nice' guy that I may have missed out on a bunch of signals. One, although we are friendly, we're not really friends. And two, I'm not that sure if we're even compatible. There's a level of his energy that exhausts the hell out of me. And now that I'm looking clearly at the months of interest and the months of getting to know you and all that, he's feeling like he's not even in the vicinity of anything more than a friendly acquaintance. It's hard to let go of the fantasy of spending time with a really nice guy. Better yet, it's hard to let go of the potential.

So I discover this contradiction that despite entering or contemplating a relationship with one foot out the door, I also have this firmly planted willingness to stay and make things work.

All of my giving to a person is the first time around. My focus, my willingness to share. If we revisit what we've started, months later or years later, I'm never able to give in quite the same way. There's something that breaks - a bond, a focus. That's why I can't go back to ex boyfriends. It's in the time away from an interest too. The spell has been broken. That's what it is, the spell. Once it's shut off it can't be flicked back on.

I realize that when I've gone back with an ex boyfriend that it was an operation in futility. I turn into the guy in the relationship. I'm not considerate anymore. I just don't care. It seems like a good idea at the time, to get back together except I realize that I can't give anything because I don't want to. If it doesn't work out the first time then it didn't work out. Nothing is going to change.

Anyway, I could go on and on about it because I'm really discovering some built in boundaries that I never verbalized before. Gemini could turn out to be a lot of fun.

EY

It's 30 Years Ago
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Sunday 27May07 8:53pm

It's become those kind of Sundays I had when I was a child. When I didn't want to do anything but laze around in front of the television all day long and all that's on movie wise is Westerns and War movies. What the heck happened?

I've got a roster of channels that I flip around to in the afternoon to see what I can catch movie wise: TBS, History Channel, AMC, TCM, Bravo and A&E and not one of them had a decent movie. As I chatted on the phone with Yan Yan, I commented on how that was a Sunday afternoon in my family home. My step dad parked in front of the television watching either a western or a war movie and complaining that my mother was in the kitchen playing pick up sticks with me. Rather than watching those lame ass movies with him. "Why would any woman want to sit through that every stinking Sunday?"

I was cracking myself up walking to Bathurst and King on Friday to meet JoJo at the Wheat Sheaf to have my first patio experience of the summer. Impending? I walked past Philthy McNasty's and thought I could open a restaurant called Stinky McFarty's (or is it McPharty's). I was giggling thinking of all the silly names that I could call it. Cranky McBitchy's. Sometimes it just doesn't take much to make me laugh.

I kept my notebook out all day at work and wrote up little funny tidbits of descriptions and comments about the boys at work and their separate insanities. They are so much more amusing as writing material. And I came up with my new signature... If you can't beat 'em, write about 'em. It works for me.

Apparently the full moon this week, on Thursday I think, is called a blue moon because it's the second full moon in the same month. I think I knew that but forget. So what are all the once in a blue moon things that can happen, I wonder?

Love will strike, once in a blue moon. My lottery numbers will be called or pulled or whatever happens to them, once in a blue moon. More likely, I'll be wide awake, once in a blue moon. Lord knows I've declared it nap season because that's pretty much all I want to do. Of course if I did know what a nap is, that might be good. But no, my naps consist of two to four hours of conked out, dead to the world sleep. What can you do? The cats look so comfortable napping that I have to be a joiner.

I sleep therefore I am.

EY

Some Treats
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
5:48am Friday 25May07

Happy for a Friday morning because it means that it will become a Friday afternoon soon and better yet, the weekend. ha ha. I admit to finally being one of those people who is living for the weekend. After close to 20 years of working on the weekends, what can I say, I've joined the club.

Lots of things going on in the city starting June 1st. The Luminato festival is looking good with both free events and ticketed events. And with the Fringe Festival and Summerworks Festival and all the other little bits and bobs that will be happening, it's all good. Plus this year Toronto will have it's first Juste pour Rire. Hmm! I think I spelled it right. I figure that this summer I'm going to really embrace my singleness and aloneness, since I don't have a guy nor do I get to see my friends all that regularly cuz they work on weekends!

My boss and my boys and I have instituted our weekly drink night. We went out last night and were thrilled to find that our normal hang out has a new menu. It's good because I was sort of over the place. I'd still like to try out all the places downtown just to discover new hang outs but those guys are kind of set in their ways. So that little expedition could become my Wednesday night treat.

Disappointed that my July plan of going to Shaw Festival has been squashed because my buddy Tyrone has an acting gig, but happy for him.

Quincy gave me a bit of a scare yesterday morning. The cat is such a chicken that she will jump off the window sill when I go over to open the window. Of course I pat her and talk to her, telling her that it's okay. But I let her go while I slid the window open and she had to jump around me. Doesn't she hurt her leg and go limping away? Then of course because she's such a chicken she hides in a corner and won't let me near her to see if she's okay.

I'm calling her and calling her to come to me and both Picasso and Zelda come running over to me but not Quincy. I finally guided her out of her corner only to watch her limp to a new corner. sigh! I had to leave for work. I hoped that she'd just landed funny and that she'd feel better after a day of rest. She hadn't yelled when she landed so that was a good sign.

When I got home last night, she was still looking cranky but came to bed when I was ready to nod off and this morning she's all better. phew! I don't contend well with hurt cats. I'm very mother hen.

I've been nabbed by a new show, On the Lot. I wasn't originally going to watch it but then got home the other night and just wanted to veg. I told myself that I'd just watch it if I was home when it was on. The first episode was okay but then I caught last night's episode and boy, some of those shorts were really good. The random acts of kindness short was hysterical. They kept it nice and simple. And to think that a simple random act of kindness could go so wrong. Funny. And then the other short Time Out where a couple's arguing stops time had some great special effects.

And each group had to do their work in a 24 hour period working with complete strangers. It was really good.

And of course, I'll be watching, So you think you can dance, when I catch it. I always find that inspiring. Watching people work hard and struggle to learn a dance style that they've never done. It can be really inspiring. There is always a couple people who gave up on dancing for awhile and realized that dancing is their life and that always inspires to keep struggling with my writing.

So I've got a couple inspiring shows to catch when I'm home and I need something else to do this summer. And I've got a whack of festivals to attend and I've got the bar and patio expedition that I will do on my own unless a running partner appears out of the blue. Yeah there's always something inspiring and fun in the summer. Thank God for that.

EY

Cherries
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
It is with great thrills that I say that I bought some CHERRIES yesterday. $30 worth of Cherries! I was too excited to see that Kitchen Table already had them at a reasonable price at $3.99 a pound. Fresh obsessed of course is selling them at $7.99 a pound (I bought a bag as a treat on the long weekend.)
It's so much easier to be happy about life with a great big Tupperware container of cherries. Sweet cherries! ha ha
I had cherries for dinner, of course. Hmm, I wonder when pomegranates are in season!

I finally got off my butt and brought my old cable modem to be upgraded to Rogers. I've been procrastinating because the thought of standing in line forever at Rogers just wasn't motivating me. As I got all my stuff together, unhooked the modem, looked for photo id, searched for the Rogers letter, I had to laugh when I found the actual letter. They've been asking their clients to upgrade their modems since November 2006! Yikes. Honestly, it's only because they finally gave a deadline of May 25th that I finally told myself to suck it up and get it done. Too funny! My Internet is lightning fast now (as it should be considering it's high speed) and the modem is teensy weensy. And the best part of it all is that I was at the Rogers store for no more than 15 minutes if that. Who knew they'd improved their service so drastically? It's about time, I might add.

Tonight is swimming then chicken wing night. Since I've been taking a break from cute bartenders bar more appropriately, his constant insults, I've had to find a replacement. And since I love chicken wings and finally found a good chicken wing place, well, that's where I go. I've noticed lately that most places put a coating on their wings and I hate that. The only coating I want on my wings is the hot sauce.

I've also discovered that I have no friends. ha ha! I have friends but all my friends work a different schedule from mine so I have no one to hang out with. All my friends are in some form of theatre or their musicians and in order to hang out with them I've got to be willing to meet up with them when I'm normally getting ready to go to bed because I get up so darn early. And my running partner Miss Lolo is of course in Korea. So I'm pretty much left to my own devices, all the time. That's why I was going to cute bartenders bar every week! sigh!

EY

It's Over!
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 3:43am 22May07

The long weekend is over and we begin the foot race to the summer. Can barely wait. The weather never did reach the heights that it sometimes can for the Victoria Day long weekend but it didn't totally suck.

Paid a little visit to Daniel et Daniel to buy their lovely turtle brownies. Bought four wished I bought six after I ate the fourth one. ha ha!

Heroes ended well, thank god. Nathan redeemed himself in the end. Too thrilling. He never did fly enough for me because he was way too cool. Hiro's speedy time change was rocking. Sylar's everything was good and creepy. Seeing the images as they appeared to him in the painting, watching his eyes show his life passing before him was way cool and him pushing Hiro about 400 years in the past has me all geared up to volume two. It makes sense, no body wants to lose Hiro. It was a heck of a season and apparently the DVD will be coming out in August, I think. It's one show I'll want to actually own. Hopefully it will have a whole lotta extras.

Oh yes and Molly Parker alluded to someone worse than the bogeyman (Sylar)! Could there be a villain worst than Sylar? I shudder to think and can barely wait. But I've got to enjoy a summer first. And Thank Goodness all my shows are over! Enough with the television already!

EY