Stank
Topic: Freeflow
Wednesday 10:03pm 23Aug06

Someone asked me today, "would your cats mind if I came over?"
I told him they didn't really care if anyone comes over.

Sitting here watching them sleeping peacefully on objects they've decided are cat beds, I wonder what they would say.

sniff, sniff, "you stank!"
"who's stank?"
"he's stank!"
as they walk away giggling.

I realize that I've lost the word stank from my vocabulary. For years everything that wasn't good was stank. I loved stank. It made me laugh. It made others laugh. How could anyone ever truly be insulted when you called them stankboy? I think I'm going to pull stank out of the vault. I'll drop it a few times in front of my impressionable work mate who I taught how to use fuckface in a sentence.

Yeah, stank is back...

EY
still stankin after all these years!

Men too
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Outkast - Idlewild
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Wednesday 7:43pm 23Aug06

Some days it's the tone of voice that he responds in, when I say something flippant. When I with foot in mouth drop some Freudian slip and he goes with that tangent, makes it damn clear that whatever I want is where he wants to take it.

Some days it's the one that ignores me now, because I've backed away from him for the last several months. In a moment of who knows what, he touches my hair as he walks past me and he doesn't look back. I ask my boys, "what the heck was that?" And they laugh at me.

Some days it's the one that gave me the bad first impression. Out of the blue he says, "We met once and we were never introduced, I'm ..." and doesn't he smile this nice shy smile and I ask myself, "should I reconsider?"

Yeah, they drive us women crazy don't they? Attitude and macho and short and tall and muscular and rake thin. The intoxicating aroma of male... when they let you know that you have all the decision making power.

EY

Men
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Ain't Enough For Me - Anthony David
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 8:18pm 22Aug06

Men are such interesting creatures. It seemed like they were so much easier to figure out when I was in high school. I pretty much always knew which ones liked me back then. These days it feels convoluted. I've met about 8 men in this past year and I haven't got a clue what's going on. I've walked away from each one of them before it even got anywhere shaking my head. Men seem more coy and mysterious than ever and I feel less interested in solving their mysteries. My energy for mysteries is all tied up into my writing. I want straight forward in a man.

You're sort of interested in me but you're not sure how interested? That's what beginnings are about. I don't know if I want to date you more than twice. You like me so instead you're going to insult me? I'm not going to know that the insults mean anything other than you're not into me. You couldn't possibly like me having said that. You have a girlfriend or two and you drop all this innuendo in my direction? You tell me you want to hear me say something nice to you. Are you kidding me? I don't need to build up some insecure manhood of yours. Let your girlfriends take care of that.

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm so desperate for attention that I will stand by until you make up your mind what you are looking for. I'm not anyone's excuse to get out of a lame relationship. Find your balls and get out of it, if that's what you want to do. Be clear, I'm not your rebound lady. I don't need to be married. I don't want children. I am perfectly happy living alone. Sex? If that was all I was looking for, I could make a phone call and get just that. You're not offering me anything that is difficult to come by. If I was just looking for sex, I'd go for a gorgeous naked hot bodied man, lying flat on his back on my bed with a tray of food on his belly. Just kidding!

But it's like my comparison several entries ago about the difference between boy bands and man bands. The boy bands never convince you that what they are offering can fulfill. Man bands let you know that what you need they can fulfill. This so-called male mystery tells me there will be far too much confusing bullshit coming down the pike of involvement and fake intimacy and who needs that fuckery?

EY

Cold Sweat
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Monday 9:01pm 21Aug06

Been home from work all day today. Had the cold sweats all last night and all day today. This flush/cleanse is working faster than expected and a little nerve wracking to be honest. As long as I don't croak or get really sick I'll be okay. I'm going to have to go back through my notes to review what they say about fasts and what to expect.

I've slept a lot which is probably what I needed. It could take a couple days before my body normalizes. My feet haven't bothered me all weekend so that's a start and the point.

EY

Rewards
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Divine Brown - Twist my hair
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
8:52pm Sunday 20Aug06

itunes and a credit card are dangerous things in my hands. I called my most recent purchases a reward in advance for my new diet. Although I don't need a reward to motivate me with this diet because it's for my health. But it's nice to have a reason. Mind you, I can justify any music purchase from I got to have it to I'm making up for all that lost time when I couldn't afford to buy lots of music.
You have to buy gifts for yourself. It makes working for a living worthwhile.

I was googling last night. I googled the names of my family members and people I haven't been in touch with for a long time and the like. I found a short biography of my step father's father. It was interesting because I never knew much about him. I just knew that he'd died in a concentration camp when my step dad was a toddler.
He was a Dutch socialist politician and journalist. He joined the resistance and became editor of an underground paper.

I'm totally fascinated that he was a writer. I don't know why because it's not like we were related but somehow it feels possible to find out more of my history. The meant history. What was meant to be. It's a manipulation of distant links from people in the past of people we know today. His son became my stepfather so I am linked to him.
We have a shared history because my step father's lack of his biological father impacted the way he grew up and ultimately the way he raised me. And yet what was missing still crops up in another form.

It's the manipulation that a writer uses to create her character, grabbing bits and pieces here and there that make the character what she is.

My Oma told me that she'd always wanted to be a writer but she neglected to tell me that her first husband was a writer. For obvious reasons, no doubt, it was probably too painful to discuss her first husband who'd died in a concentration camp. Plus it might have dredged up her memories of being in a concentration camp with a toddler. And of course she had a new life with another husband that she'd shared more time with by the time I'd entered the scene.

If I could, I'd like to ask her now about him and their short life together and his writings and what he believed in. How much was he saying as a journalist about Hitler? Was his journalism early on in his life because he was also a Politician. I'll have to look around for any English language books about the Dutch and the Germans. There is an academic office named after him so the possibility that he could be covered is relatively high.

EY