Dream
Topic: Connections
This Morning's post
Saturday 6am 2Sept06

Dreamed that I was waiting outside in a grassy field and people started coming toward me out of nowhere in a field of dreams way.
We were all dressed up for a wedding. Most of the people I was going to meet came toward me with huge grins. Then I noticed Tom Cruise (yeah that one) come toward me but he couldn't get near me because all these other people stopped him to say Hello and thank him for coming and then they shooked Katie Holmes' hand and she had on that perma grin that she has.

Tom Cruise got this massive camera ready as the music began. The music was a funky New Orleans jazz number that was surprisingly piped through. You'd think there'd be a band. These black folk danced down the aisle to the music. The fifth or sixth person was the bride in a white and violet laced number that was beautiful. Tom Cruise took pictures of the wedding party under the tent.

A woman in the wedding party asked my mother if they were related, then said, "you look like my relative."

She lead my mother and I inside the restaurant entrance at the end of the tent and placed us in a booth beside the wedding party.
A guy came over to our booth to say hi to us. (He was the black guy that works in my work building that I had a bad first impression of and wondered if I should reconsider a few postings ago.)

He told me that he would get me back to Toronto when it was time to leave since my mom had asked him and she thought since we're both single, we'd like to get to know each other. I agreed with brooding shyness and looked over at my mom who smiled with Cheshire cat deviousness. After he left, I gave her half hearted heck for setting me up. She made a comment that she didn't know how to parent anymore because I'd become so independent as an adult and she needed to feel like she could still fix things for me if I'd only come to her.

I apologized for breaking her heart when I went through my teenage rebellion in my late 20's. My mother died when I was 32. I told her that I always loved her through all the pain I'd caused her and that I wish she would come to me more often.

"I'm asking you to come more. I need a mom more than ever."
She said, "I haven't always been sure that you still loved me."
End of Dream

I had a disturbed restless sleep last night, well this morning, I went to bed at 2am. I felt almost half awake and half asleep for a good two hours. There was this energy underneath me that kept me awake. It felt almost as if I could feel the turning of a ceiling fan coming through my floor and through my bed. I've felt that sensation twice this week and actually wondered if my downstairs neighbours have a ceiling fan. Then I realize that thought is ridiculous and notice my heart rate is high. I seem to be having some mild anxiety.

My mom has been popping up in my dreams more frequently lately. Or there is a reference or thought of her as I try to go see her in Montreal. At least we're still connected as we get closer to the 10th year of her death which comes up in December.

The Set-up: It's funny because whenever I've Dreamed about a guy who I know in my real life and there is a romantic possibility or entanglement in my dream I've ended up going out with that person in real life. Every time.

I've Dreamed about other men that I know, of course, but have never had romantic entanglements with them in my dreams.

My Guyanese boyfriend that I went out with the first time when I was 28 years old, I'd Dreamed that he was my husband. We went out for 6 months the first time and a year the second time. He was 14 years older than me, a black guy with green eyes. We were both Pisces. I broke up with him abruptly when a psychic asked me, "who is the black man with the green eyes? If you two can get through this rough patch that will last about two more months the two of you will start making preparations to marry."

It flipped me right out. In my mind I said, "Oh no, no! I can't marry him," and I ended our relationship with brutal force. "We're over, don't call me, don't speak to me, if you see me in the street cross the street."

He made me feel unsure of my importance in his life when we were together and left me alone far too much for me to believe in his intentions. (And I like being alone) It was only through my friends that I learned how devastated he was and the depth of his feelings for me. But it was far too late. Didn't he win the lottery two months after I broke off with him! Too funny.

I guess the reason why he cropped up in my thoughts in relation to my dream and this stream of consciousness writing is that I'm feeling unsure about what's going to happen next except that I know something is going to happen next. When I feel unsure I will run to the other side of the world to get away from that feeling and the subsequent anxiety and sometimes I create a little carnage in my wake.

I'm not used to staying, I'm used to moving and leaving stuff behind like it never happened. I'm trying to learn how to sit it out if just for the story aspect of it. It'll probably take me a few tries before I can stay still and I guess I'll see what happens with the black guy, we have a big chasm to get through since my first impression of him was, "Ooh, he's a Bitch!"

EY

Maybe She doesn't like Betty Boop
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Down Here in Hell with you - Van Hunt
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Saturday 3:08pm 2Sept06

Been up since 6am. I tried to post both last night and this morning and my Betty Boop kept crashing on Safari. Maybe she doesn't like the name Betty Boop. Don't know what else to call her, she's white.
My old imac was named Appolonia Bluebell Mackenzie because she was blue. Spent the bulk of the day backing up every document and reorganizing my zip disks for optimum use and trashing anything possible off my ibook. Her folders are bare. We'll see how she acts then the next resort is to do a reinstall and put her back to her original out of the box self. I've got a couple downloads that I can't trash so that may be the only way to get rid of them. I can't trash the Final Draft Demo (I never use it plus I have the full version of Dramatica anyway.) I also can't trash the installer icon for my scanner nor put it in a folder. sigh! I'm sure there is other stuff that I can get rid of that I haven't realized yet.

I burned the rest of my itune purchases onto disks so that I don't lose all that when I do the reinstall which will most likely happen (the losing and the reinstalling). I also burned about 20 CD's for my best-friend in Montreal. Since I told him two weeks ago that I was going to send he and his girlfriend some stuff. I had the greatest of intentions to do it two weeks ago and my plans changed. Now I just have to figure out the best way to package them.

I've been jamming Van Hunt's song, "Down Here in Hell with You," over and over. Sometimes lyrics get right to the heart of the matter...

I really love it when, I love it when we make mistakes.
Because once again, it gives me a reason to complain,
I love the battle lines, the battle lines we draw when crossing the mud
I love it when we fight, standing on the verge of breaking up or making love

What would I do if we were perfect,
where would I go for disappointment.
Love without pain would leave me wondering why I stayed.

I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about up in heaven,
what will I do
I think of saving myself,
but I really want to work it out
down here in hell with you


Yeah, those lyrics are speaking to me today and making me laugh and of course groove.

Safari is treating me fine currently. Don't know if I'll bother to post my missed messages from last night and this morning. It was only more angst about men. Do we really need more of that? How far down into hell do I want to go with you? I really do over think things sometimes. Maybe I'll just add them into my journal and call it a day. I'm about ready for a nap anyway.

EY

Frustration
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Changed my mind... Here is last night's post.
Friday 11:51pm 1Sept06

Had a work day filled with frustrations today. Ended up giving a co-worker shit. I hate when I do that but sometimes I can't keep my thoughts to myself. There's enough frustrations and then when you don't work as a team, well, it pisses me off.

I ended up leaving early today, which is what our company allows on long weekend Fridays. Didn't I promptly come home and pass out for three hours? Where'd that come from? Haven't done that in awhile. Frustration does exhaust me.

Been thinking a lot about forcing things that don't fit. Well, more like forcing people that don't fit. What is it about us humans? I think someone is cute. I pursue it a little. I realize that our timing with each other is way off. We just don't really mesh. But there is that part of me that loves a challenge. There's a couple things. The writer in me wants to know the end of the story. What is the story going to be? What is the story? And there is the challenge, what do I need to do to get what I want? What do I have to say? How much do I pursue with a seeming lack of pursuit?

When I was younger, I liked it better when I met a guy that wasn't interested in me right off. I preferred it when a guy got to know me and then discovered that he liked me and then dated me and then loved me. Those have always been my best and long term relationships. To know me is to love me. The outward persona is completely different from the inward me.

I have been too obsessively focused on this lately. But it is something that I need to focus on more. My love life has always taken a back seat. I've had childhood shit to deal with and family crises and figuring out how I was going to go from being in constant survival mode to something less adrenaline filled. Work always came before relationships, it was something I could control. All that emotional baggage, Oh Gawd, who can deal with that. My childhood was baggage. So now I'm looking to put a bit more focus on men and relationships, on dealing with my run away fears. Figure out what often gets me into trouble like the whole challenge thing.

When I was in love with my ex, who felt like the guy I wanted to marry, togetherness was easy. Compromising was a no brainer. I didn't care if I was the one that did all the compromising. He interested me and made me laugh and his gentleness made me realize that that was what I thought was the height of sexy... gentleness. Falling in love with him took me completely by surprise and so did the heart crunching break-up. There are not many people that you can feel that for. I get that. Like friends there aren't too many people that you really want to test out either. And that's the point, I think, If I move closer then run away in a two steps forward five steps back sort of deal should I just strike that option? If I have the roller coaster of emotions and the fluctuation of interest level should I just call it a day on that one?

EY

This Weekend
Mood:  not sure
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 4:51am 1Sept06

I just remembered that it's the 3Day Novel Contest this weekend. 3 Day Novel link I'd like to try it one of these years but this year won't be the year. Will I be doing a fake 3 Day Novel contest like I did the fake blogathon? Not so much.

Had to roll my butt out of bed before I went back to sleep and chose to ignore all my alarms. It's just cold enough in here that I could do it. I closed all the windows last night before I went to bed otherwise I would have woken up with the shiver shakes in the middle of the night and would have to run around shutting windows and making my brr noises. I hate when that happens.

Quincy currently has the crazy cat runs where she runs back and forth like well, um, a crazy cat. Picasso is looking at her like she's such a child. Picasso seems to have amnesia about her own crazy cat condition. I've had my cats for so long now that I don't tell the great cat stories that I used to. When my mother was still alive she used to call me and ask, "How's the girls?" in hopes of a new cat story. That's when I still had my sweet cat Saki. That's when I would call the cat fights, artistic differences since they were all named after artists.

I've got 59 entries in my digital recorder so I'll have to transcribe them this weekend. Finish painting my kitchen, do some reading and some writing. Also time to decide on some columns for my EY page and set up a schedule. I've had a few lax weeks again maybe a little too focused on the cute men in my sphere? Trying too hard to do everything. sigh!

Anyway with the back to school air, I need to do some sort of reorganization and get into a good routine. By the time IFOA hits in October I'll have a couple full weeks and will need to be on my game. IFOA is ten days and I'll be taking 8 days off work for it, so I'll be writing during the day. Once IFOA is done I'll then be off to the Canscaip writing conference on November 4th, I think it is. And the month of November is Nanowrimo. I guess I better start contemplating which novel to work on for Nanowrimo this year. It would also be great if I could get White Wishes Book 1 out of the way before then. It's not like it can't be done, I've got most of Kali's chapters figured out just need to cut, but Rachel's chapters need to be fluffed up and written. Maybe I need to do a fake 3 Day novel contest for my WIP!

This shit is bananas B A N A N A S !

EY

IFOA Line Up!
Now Playing: Paul Simon - Me and Julio down by the schoolyard
Topic: Writing Outings
Thursday 8:03pm 31Aug06

Just in time for the impending Back to School malaise that I normally feel, Harbourfront has issued their line up. Yippee!

Here's who they got:

27 th ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL FESTIVAL OF AUTHORS 2006 CONFIRMED LIST

Caroline Adderson (Canada) Pleased To Meet You

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (Nigeria) Half of a Yellow Sun

Chris Adrian (U.S.A.) Gob’s Grief

Pierre Assouline (France) Lutetia

Margaret Atwood (Canada) Moral Disorder

Anita Rau Badami (Canada) Can You Hear the Nightbird Call?

Louis Bayard’s (U.S.A.) The Pale Blue Eye

Yves Beauchemin (Canada) Charles the Bold (Charles le Temeraire

Mark Billingham’s (U.K.) Buried

Giles Blunt (Canada) By The Time You Read This

Dennis Bock (Canada) The Communist’s Daughter

Randy Boyagoda (Canada) Governor of the Northern Province

Gianrico Carofiglio (Italy) A Walk in the Dark

Clifford Chase (U.S.A.) Winkie

Wayson Choy (Canada) All That Matters

Adrienne Clarkson (Canada) Heart Matters

Michael Collins (Ireland/U.S.A.) The Secret Life of E. Robert Pendleton

Michael Connelly (U.S.A.) Echo Park

Michael Cox (U.K.) The Meaning of Night: A Confession

Yasmin Crowther (U.K.) The Saffron Kitchen

Stig Dalager (Denmark) Journey in Blue: A Novel about H.C. Andersen

Mark Z. Danielewski (U.S.A.) Only Revolutions

Kiran Desai (India/U.S.A.) The Inheritance of Loss

Robert Drewe (Australia) The Guardian

Philippe Dupuy (France) and Charles Berberian (Iraq/France) Get a Life; Maybe Later

Deborah Eisenberg (U.S.A.) Twilight of the Superheroes

Bernice Eisenstein (Canada) I Was A Child of Holocaust Survivors

Janet Fitch (U.S.A.) White Oleander

Nell Freudenberger (U.S.A) The Dissident

Damon Galgut (South Africa) The Quarry

David Gibbins (U.K./Canada) Crusader Gold

Charlotte Gray (Canada) Reluctant Genius: The Passions and Inventions of Alexander Graham Bell

Kate Grenville (Australia) The Secret River

Rawi Hage (Lebanon/Canada) De Niro’s Game

Jane Hamilton (U.S.A.) When Madeline Was Young

Alon Hilu (Israel) Death of a Monk

Simon Ings (U.K.) The Weight of Numbers

Stephanie Johnson (New Zealand) John Tomb’s Head

Wayne Johnston (Canada) The Custodian of Paradise

Edward P. Jones (U.S.A.) All Aunt Hagar’s Children

Thomas King (Canada) The Red Power Murders

Ryan Knighton (Canada) Cockeyed

Nicole Krauss (U.S.A.) A History of Love

?sa Larsson (Sweden) Sun Storm

J.B. MacKinnon (Canada) Dead Man in Paradise

Gautam Malkani (U.K.) Londonstani

Alberto Manguel (Canada), The Library at Night

Patrick McCabe (Ireland) Winterwood

Colum McCann (Ireland) Zoli

Tom McCarthy (U.K.) Remainder

Jon McGregor (U.K.) So Many Ways To Begin

Ami McKay (Canada) The Birth House

Claire Messud (U.S.A./Canada/France) The Emperor's Children

Farley Mowat (Canada) Bay of Spirits: A Love Story

Azar Nafisi (Iran) Reading Lolita in Tehran

Elizabeth Noble (U.K.) Alphabet Weekends

Cynthia Ozick (U.S.A.) The Din in the Head: Essays

T. Jefferson Parker (U.S.A.) The Fallen

Louise Penny (Canada) Dead Cold

Marisha Pessl (U.S.A.) Special Topics in Calamity Physics

Jodi Picoult (U.S.A.) The Tenth Circle

Noah Richler (Canada) This Is My Country, What’s Yours: A Literary Atlas of Canada

James Robertson (U.K.) The Testament of Gideon Mack

Eden Robinson (Canada) Blood Sports

Wole Soyinka (Nigeria) You Must Set Forth at Dawn

Ralph Steadman (U.K.) The Joke’s Over

Mark Strand (U.S.A.) Man and Camel

Rosemary Sullivan (Canada) Villa Air-Bel: Sanctuary, Escape, and a House in Marseille

Gay Talese (U.S.A.) A Writer’s Life

Andrew Taylor (U.K.) A Stain on Silence

Timothy Taylor (Canada) Story House

Madeleine Thien (Canada) Certainty

Miriam Toews (Canada) A Complicated Kindness

Michel Tremblay (Canada) Assorted Candies (Bonbons Assortis)

M.G. Vassanji (Canada) When She Was Queen

Sarah Waters (U.K.) The Night Watch

Louise Welsh (U.K.) The Bullet Trick

Colson Whitehead (U.S.A.) Apex Hides the Hurt

Bruce Whiteman (Canada) The Invisible World Is In Decline

Meg Wolitzer (U.S.A.) The Position

IFOA link

Squealing with girlish noises and frequent hand clapping. I can't wait for IFOA. The excitement will get me through September with ease especially since I bought my patron membership. I've got unlimited access to the fest...

EY