Evaluating Me
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 9:53pm 21Nov06

I just spent four and a half hours working on my performance review for work. That's not including the two hours I spent on it this morning. I emailed it to myself at work to plug into the form tomorrow and will review it one more gain (as we say in the hood) to see what else I might add. It's a pretty exhausting experience.

For sure this year I'm going to keep track of things as they happen to make the process a lot easier next year. My guys do their evaluations within a couple hours but they are union so their increases are based on their collective agreement whereas my increase is a merit increase. Can't be lazy when it comes to that. Sho nuff.

After my very early start to my day today I started to lose my thunder around 2:30pm. Ado was howling when I got up from my desk and walked back and forth in the office to keep my eyes open, something he normally does. I even went so far as to buy a coffee (caffeinated) and drink that sucker whole. It helped. Maybe it was just Caged Tiger who went with me to get it and the very silly conversation we had.

No White Wishes work tonight after 4.5 hrs of evaluating. Tomorrow is another day. I did get an idea for my Dream weavers series from watching the latest episode of Heroes at 1am. Decided to pull the notes out to look at in the coming weeks as a reprieve should White Wishes cause me any problems. Sometimes it just about changing the focus for a minute or two.

Hmm! I just realized that in 2.5 more hours, I will have been up for 24 hours. No wonder I feel like I just did another blogathon. And on that note sleep calls and I listens...

Check out Theatre Rusticle The show, The Stronger starts on Dec 7th, 2006. A fantastic show. Funny, brilliant, entertaining and thought provoking. Also it gave me an idea for another novel that I want to write. By the end of the show when I saw it at the Fringe in 2005, I wrote down a statement and a question and from there frantically wrote a bunch of what ifs until I had the novel idea which is tentatively titled, The Fold.

Sleep and sweet sweet dreams.

EY

the clock is off
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 21Nov06 3:54am

I've been awake since 1am or so. Tried to go back to sleep but when it wasn't happening decided to just get up. Nothing worse than tossing and turning and driving myself crazy. Worked on my evaluation for work and prepared my lunch.

I had a sick day from work in continuation of the weekend long tear fest and my body clock is all crazy now. Gotta love when that happens. I just got back from Fresh obsessed because my new food obsession is the pomegranate. I got adventurous with my groceries and bought a couple the other day. Didn't even know what you're supposed to do with them. Boy the Internet really does come in handy. Cut it in quarters soaked it in water and dug out the seeds. What a pleasant surprise! I can freak myself out with food and if I get any strange thoughts in my head about food, I just won't try it. The thought of eating seeds was a little peculiar to me but tried them any way. Needless to say I bought eight more. Got red pomegranate stains all over the place. ha ha!

Done fed the cats. Got everything done and still don't start work for another four hours. Too funny. Hopefully I can make it through the day without a big need to conk out. I feel positive though. Sometimes it's good to release all the emotional junk through tears. I could always hold on to it until it turns into a disease, but really, why?

I admit that all the crying kept me away from writing this weekend but what can you do? Gotta deal with what needs to be dealt with.

I'm somehow managing to remember incidences from a whole year of them to add to my evaluation so it's not the total painful experience that it normally is. So on that note, I'm going to go back to working on it. Maybe I can have it off my desk before I leave for work. Now that would be something.

EY

Crushed
Topic: R-Dead Television Report
Sunday 1:49pm 19Nov06

ML - "I'm starting to have feelings for Tony Soprano"
Paola - "You mean James Gandolfini?"
ML - "No, I mean Tony Soprano."
Paola - "But Sweetie, he's a television character, not a real person."
ML - "I know!"

So I totally have a thing for Cake, the lead character on Rent a goalie. He's a guys guy. He's in love with Franny and drives himself crazy trying not to acknowledge his feelings because it would make things too complicated. He will get naked with hockey skates and hockey helmet to win a bet. He has no issues about his man hood. He will put on makeup and outfit that makes him look gay to prove a point. Will get caught by his mates and admit to having makeup on but won't admit to being part of an 80's new wave group. In the end, he always does the right thing. Even if he looks like a fool.

Yeah I know he's a television character but he still does it for me...
EY

A Change is Gonna Come
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Sunday 19Nov06 1:07pm

Been crying off and on all weekend. Not the depressed kind of crying but more like I'm releasing pent up unacknowledged emotions. It first started with an episode of Felicity that I didn't even watch all of.
In the episode Felicity is caught in a fire and as she is rescued by Noel she looks back at all her art burning up. I guess it was finally time for me to cry about all my writing that I accidentally deleted. Now that I'm really working on White Wishes and it's finally coming together. I can finally acknowledge that it was difficult to lose it and that I can over come the loss. It takes more than a minute though.

The other thing that made me cry was Noel trying to move forward with his life. He's been seeing a therapist and decides while in session that he can't always be there for Felicity when she needs to be rescued. He can't always be there for her when she is sad about her problems with Ben and wants Noel to be her best friend despite knowing full well that Noel is in love with her. After the fire she asks him to come in (to her apartment) to keep her company and he says no. She puts on the sad eyes and all but begs him and he sticks to his guns. I know exactly how Noel feels. How you want to be there for people that you genuinely care for but it does get to a point where they are stopping you from moving forward with what you are here to do with your own life. Especially if you're in love with the person.

People will take advantage of you not always on purpose but they just take for granted that you will drop everything for them. That you'll sit and wait around until they decide, sometimes out of obligation, to throw you a bone of attention. Sometimes that attention is only because they want to tell you about the bad stuff. They need a listening ear. You know for sure who those people are because they make half assed plans with you, "yeah I'll meet you on Tuesday." But they neglect to tell you when or where and you have to follow up to find out.

I've finally reached the point, it's taken years mind you, where if someone calls me to make half assed plans I no longer make the next phone call to follow up. If I don't know for sure that we're going to meet, then we're not meeting. WTF! Who decided I was so unimportant that I was okay with sitting around? Oh yeah, I did! ha ha. I've finally changed that.

Aspects of my life have been a mess for months and yet I feel like all the negativity is burning off. Fall down seven times, get up eight. That has also been making me cry this weekend. I really finally feel like I have a foothold. There's always going to be something that's a piece of poop but I have to set my boundaries and stick to them. Know where I need to go to seek sanctuary and realize that I have to take that time, no matter what else is going on in anyone else's life. I can't donate money to charity if I have no money and more importantly I can't take care of everybody else if I haven't given myself the time and the focus that I need.

I'm still trying to figure out what it is/was exactly that possessed me to grow up and become this pseudo Saviour of lost souls putting all my needs on the back burner. Someone asked me the other night why I'd never married and I gave my flip answer that I have commitment issues. It really is far more long and drawn out than that but part of it is that I've never really focused on my life being too consumed with bending over for every one else. It's a form of escapism. It's an excuse not to move forward.

Coming into my own, cleaning up my cluttered mind and crying a little. Pisces girlfish at her best.

EY

Nanowrimo progress
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The Right Kind of Lover - Patti Labelle
Topic: Writing Challenges
Friday 10:01pm 17Nov06

I've creaked past 14,000 words. I'm way behind schedule but clipping into the 4th chapter. I'm pretty tired and ready to go down for the night. I can still make it to 50,000 words before the end of the month but I've got to keep the butt in chair and type like a fiend. Bopping my head to some high energy music especially when I hit the sad and depressing scenes in the novel. Man that shit can set me into some serious avoidance.

I've got several notes to self within the novel telling me what I need to add. Just trying to stay organized and focused. I'll have to procrastinate on procrastinating, if you know what I mean.

Where's the laundry service, chef, housekeeper and all the other people to take care of my stuff when I need it? I'm just wondering.
Of course I've got my yearly evaluation due for work on Monday. That bad boy is detailed and all consuming. I wonder when exactly I'm going to fit that all in. It's gotta be done.

EY