Andy Borowitz
Topic: Writing Columns

God Denies Talking to Pat
Andy Borowitz Sat Jan 6, 3:00 AM ET

Just days after the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed on his "700 Club" program that God warned him of "mass killings" in the United States late in 2007, God held a rare press conference today to deny having spoken to the controversial televangelist.

For the usually publicity-shy King of the Universe, the press conference held at the Chicago Airport Marriott signaled a sharp break with tradition.

But appearing before the press in His trademark flowing robes and white beard, and carrying what appeared to be a lightning bolt, God said that He decided to convene the extraordinary press briefing because "I had to set the record straight about this."

"I want to make it clear that at no time at the end of the year did I have any conversation with the Rev. Pat Robertson," the Supreme Being said. "Personally, I think the guy is delusional."

God then distributed His personal phone logs for the month of December to prove that He had in fact no contact with the Rev. Robertson.

"I don't make a habit of talking to TV personalities," God emphasized. "Although on New Year's Eve I did have a brief chat with Ryan Seacrest to wish him good luck."

Answering a reporter's question, God acknowledged that with war raging around the globe, 2006 had been a "difficult year" for the forces of goodness, but He remained upbeat, pointing to some of His accomplishments in the year just past.

"At least I got Judith Regan fired," He said.

Elsewhere, Britney Spears checked into a rehab center after being driven there by her 1-year-old son, Sean Preston.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book "The Republican Playbook," to be published October 2007. To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2007 CREATORS SYNDICATE

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The Taxi Chit Incident
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Monday 6:03pm 22Jan07

Today's theme seemed to be about character and when someone acts out of character. My first conversation was about people who swear and better yet people who can find the perfect words to express themselves without the use of swear words. It's interesting how much more power a swear word has coming out of the mouth of a person who never swears. How do people react when someone who normally doesn't swear utters a curse word? How clear are we that a person who never swears is angry when she does swear versus someone who swears all the time? What a subtle way to portray a character in my writing that gets the point across so strongly.

I had an out of character moment today. I said something I would never have said in all my childhood years of being blamed for things that I didn't do. I said, "I will not take responsibility for that!"

There is a questionable taxi chit charge for $125. the photocopy of the coupon says that the taxi ride started at Yonge and College and went to Barrie. There is no date on it. The signature is a doctor's signature, a circular scribble.

I've been interrogated twice about this chit.

I was pissed off when I was first questioned about it. My initial thought was, "You honestly think that I'd take advantage?"
Then I was pissed off at the insistence that it was mine when I hadn't received one. Clearly the taxi chit police don't keep proper records like a sign out book to trace who got what.

That's not my problem.

The piss cutter is that aside from the fact that I don't know a soul in Barrie, I live downtown. Pretty much from any where down town, my cab ride is 8 bucks. I never think of asking for a taxi chit because even when I'm broke, I can afford 8 bucks home. I don't know how to do a doctor's scribble. I'm a pen and paper writer which means I have good penmanship. I sign my name or print my initials, you can read my name. Scribbles are not for me. Oh and the place that I was at, was not at Yonge and College.

The lack of date on the taxi chit means that it could have happened on any date in December aside from the date the Taxi chit police insist that I used it. The point of taxi chits are for people to use them when they're drunk so that they don't drink and drive. What are the chances that the taxi driver filled out the chit to whatever he wanted? It's not impossible. There are super educated taxi drivers and there are taxi drivers that are crooks. Hello! If there are crooks in corporate Canada, there are no crook taxi drivers? Come on!

Yeah the first interrogation pissed me off but the second interrogation immediately brought out my forceful, I'm not playing games voice. It was interesting to see it all happen from outside myself. Thinking, "Wow I would never have done this to an authority figure growing up."
I would have kept quiet and gone in a corner to cry about it. I would have been overwhelmed by the injustice of it but calling a spade a spade?

People think I speak up about everything but I don't. I let a lot of stuff slide. I still have incidents that I obsess about and say nothing. But today I realized that a person that acts out of character is faced with a situation where there is no other choice. In the Color Purple, when Celie grabs the knife and threatens Mister, she has no choice. That's the beauty of her breaking her years of silence and speaking up for herself. It's not even about her, it's about the letters, her sister, her family, something so much bigger than her.

My facing down the authority figure today was more than just the taxi chit. It was my reputation and coming face to face with how I may be perceived on a daily basis. It was a black person being accused by a white person and all the racial implications that I don't even want to scratch the surface of. I've given you all of this valid information and you are not hearing my words. I have no choice but to forcefully tell you, "I'm not taking responsibility for that."

EY

She Lives, She Breathes
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
5:58pm Wednesday 17Jan07

I'm alive. I got rid of my cold but my energy level has been so pathetic I've been conking out way early.

Managed to drag my ass to a book launch Monday night. Only because I'd given my word that I'd go. It was good and inspiring and I want to find out more about Gary Freeman. I checked out the website about him, he is currently being held in jail fighting extradition to the United States for some assault charges against a Chicago cop back in the 1960's.

It's all pretty stupid when you look at it. The man has led an exemplary life here in Canada and has raised beautiful, educated children. He was a librarian for goodness sake! And he's being held in jail for close to three years now for assault charges from a time when the white American cops were more than a little shady and definitely racist and it was a time in American race relations where black men and women were being harassed and hosed and arrested on trumped up charges and murdered and and...

The best part of it all is that there are still charges against him. I learned recently that there is a statute of limitations (is that the term?) in the States on rape. After a certain amount of years have passed (not sure how many) you can't be charged for raping someone. And they're still chasing after Gary Freeman? The cop is alive. He probably went on to harass and scare and terrorize other young black men (Gary was 19 at the time). But boy oh boy mustn't let a nigger get away.

There has to be a time when the powers that be in Canada look at a situation, taking it all into account (civil rights violations, racism, police corruption, J. Edgar Hoover and the CIA) and say No, we're not going to let you take this person. He's in our country now, we'll keep him. And let him live his life and tell his story and remind us that it wasn't that long ago and all that much hasn't changed.

I'm going to read more of the website when I have some more time and less limited energy and write more.

George Elliott Clarke read some of his own poems at the book launch and reminded me of when I was in my early twenties and reading black writers for the first time and feeling alive and connected to my people that came before me and built a path for me to write on.

I have to admit that I've been coasting. Living my day to day life, not participating in the black things that made me feel good and aware and mindful of who walked before me and who is continuing to walk. I knew most of the names mentioned at the launch: Martin, Malcolm, Bobby Seale, Assata Shakur, Mumia. But there were some names I hadn't heard and if I'd been more diligent in my studies, i would have.

I guess I could say that I've allowed myself to forget. You get lackadaisical and lull yourself in to a false belief that if you're a good person that's enough. But it really isn't. There are still huge crimes committed against my folk around the world out of greed or an overall lack of caring and whatever else falls in between.

People are getting upset that Oprah built a school for poor little black girls in Africa and that there aren't very many white girls included. Fuck off! If Oprah could educate every little black girl in South Africa she still wouldn't scratch the surface. All those motherless and fatherless children and the poverty and the AIDS Epidemic. Fuck right off!

I woke up a couple times last night, turned on the lamp, and jotted down the words that woke me up. Words about Gary Freeman, words about slavery and the civil rights movement and the systematic ways that blacks continue to be kept down. This morning I talked into my digital recorder as I walked to work and I've come to the conclusion that I need to read and learn and figure out and ultimately write about what I learn and see. Not with a militant black anger but with a sense of calm and understanding and focus. All of our leaders that meant a damn were killed. It's time to remember that. Better yet, it's time to stop forgetting.

EY

Writing? What Writing?
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 6:04pm 12Jan07

Made it to work today because I had a meeting. Two hours later of swimming upstream in a sea of futility. It was laughable. Seven of us meeting with a tenant rep a sure indication that too much woman power is being spent on the issue. Agreeing to do still more work that none of us has the time for. Sigh! Sometimes customer service is pushed too damn far. The tenant rep agrees that no one on her side wants to take responsibility. Yet again, our team takes it.

The boys were a bunch of brats today trying to keep me amused in my sickness and wearing me out all at the same time. I expended all of the energy I possess today so as much as I'd like to sit up and write I just can't. Maybe I'll wake up later and have something to say, but I doubt it.

I have the nerve to be developing a sore throat with my full on cold. Dammit all. It's not even a real winter, why am I sick?

EY

Fighting off a cold
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Thursday 6:14pm 11Jan07

Been fighting off a cold all week and finally caved in this morning. Stayed in bed sleeping for the bulk of the day and with little miss Zelda who was suffering from sympathy illness. She kept her eye on me and patted me with her paw. Too cute.

Why isn't there anything good on television when you're lying in bed sick as ten dogs? I'd even watch an episode of CSI, any town CSI. Caught an episode of Bridezilla and marveled once again how anyone manages to make it to the altar. I swear if I was a bridegroom with a bride like any of those psycho's I'd be leaving their asses at the altar.

Oprah of course had to have the tear jerkingest show on like I needed to tumble out all those tears with my runny nose and rib bruising cough! Yeah Thanks Oprah!

What kind of freak craves chicken wings and beer when they have a cold? This freak! Too strange. Like I could smell or taste it.

Flipped over to General Hospital for a minute to admire the beauty of Maurice Bernard, the guy who plays mob boss Sonny Corinthos. Now that man is my type. Dark hair and dark eyes and those dimples. That is what does it for me. He has the nerve to have the same birthday as me. Sigh! Even when a girlfish is sick a little eye candy is what the doctor ordered. Now if only I could find someone like that to nurse my little girlfish soul back to health. Not that I like being around people when I'm sick but if he's really really quiet and attentive and that gorgeous, well I wouldn't hurt his feelings.

I'm going to climb back in my bed with my steno and attempt to write down some words for my daily 3 hour goal. I managed an hour and a half of writing last night despite feeling sick, sick, sick! ole ole.

I've got a meeting tomorrow at work so I'll have to get my sick ass in there but at least it's Friday. The weekend is looking like a lot of sleep. Sucks to be me! Well it's not that bad, so many worse things could be going on with me.

EY