Fearlessness
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Sunday 5:42pm 20May07

I'm watching Inside the Actor's Studio, as always. My favorite show after all. It's Dave Chappelle and I've seen it before but I can't help but watch. He's funny, of course, but he talks some good shit.

He talks about bombing at the The Apollo and bombing so bad where grandmothers were even booing him and sandman comes out dancing to yank him off the stage and his mother and his friends are in the audience and how that was the best thing that ever happened to him. He said that he'd never bombed up until that part and although it was beyond his worst nightmare, it was the best thing that happened to him because he realized he could survive it. It wasn't that bad. "After that I was fearless." He says.

I wonder how you become fearless. I've lost my fearlessness. I've got complacent and too comfortable and a tad scared. It can be an environment of failure. When you are surrounded by people who have no goals or ,worse yet, people who insist on tearing down your dreams. After listening to it for so long, you're bound to give in. It could be about people that are constantly in crisis begging you for your assistance to save them in some way.

How do I become fearless again? And what, to me, do I need to be fearless about? Do I need to be fearless in every area of my life or can it be one specific area? Or will it/can it build from one area to the next? It's something for me to think about at length.

But as Dave says, I've got to name my price in the beginning and get my Africa tickets ready.

EY

Grey's Anatomy
Topic: R-Dead Television Report
It shouldn't have been that shocking that Christina and Burke didn't make it down the aisle. I'd hoped that when he went back he would have decided to walk with her down the aisle but alas, it wasn't to be. What was a little surprising at first was that she said, "I'm free!" and started to cry.

I'm free! ha ha! Isn't that just the ticket though sometimes with a certain type of man? They like that you're a different kind of woman. They like a strong woman that can be their equal but then slowly insidiously they start to restrain you, rein you in. They want you to be a certain type of woman and you try and you try and when everything falls apart, you're standing there crying because you're finally free from the female prison you've been placed in. I think Christina's story tells us that it's not easy trying to be everything as a woman for her man and still be everything she wants to be for herself.

He had some beautiful vows though.

We ended off with Izzie for another season feeling the devastation of thoughtless actions. She's so sweet and sensitive and really does get herself in a world of emotional trouble, doesn't she? All I can think is that same warning, "Don't fuck your friends."

And Meredith and Derek (Mer and Der). He pulled a little game playing on her with the whole, I met a woman last night, crap. Why bring that shit up if you are looking to stick a huge wrench in a relationship? I kept thinking as I watched the show, that there's no way for her to go back to him with that coziness that they were developing. I met a woman last night alludes to either you tow the line and slowly allow me to rein you in or you gots to go. When he gave her his 'I'm in" speech, it was damn sweet and doesn't every woman want to hear that from her man? And Meredith shocked me at least when she told him that she had to run off and get Christina down the aisle. Derek's timing does kinda suck. But let's look at the facts of their relationship:

Meredith lost Derek to a wife she didn't even know he had. She had a mother with Alzheimer's, who died when Mer drowned and died herself. She lost her almost mother that she was genuinely growing to care about. Her father slapped her and basically told her she wasn't welcome, cutting off any chance at a relationship ever again. And through all of this and Meredith's over all dark and twisty nature her friends have come through time and again. Derek did continue to pursue Meredith in subtle ways and make it next to impossible for her to get over her feelings for him and Derek was still married and apparently patching up his marriage to survive. And don't you just hate when guys do that? They hold you emotionally hostage so you can't move forward or get over them. And you're a walking, open, gaping wound. LET ME GO!

Meredith already gave her "I'm in" speech when she told Derek/ begged Derek, "Pick me." That was over his choice to go back to a wife who'd already betrayed him and betrayed him so soundly. She said I'm in. She said I love you. She said you are the love of my life and he chose his wife. I've been having a go at a little theory lately about women who have to run an obstacle course for a man. At some point, the obstacle course gets to be too long and the woman gets tired of it all. And there's a level of anger that creeps in (Why can't he just love me without all this bullshit) and it starts the downward spiral.

Seriously, after all they'd been through ,Mer and Der, you'd think that Meredith leaning on her friends is not that big of a deal, especially when Derek said he couldn't breathe for her. It's not like he ever had to worry about her jumping into bed with someone else. She is learning how to rely/lean on others and create her own version of a family with the other interns and Richard and Derek. She was right to say, "If you're going to dump me just do it already."

By the same token, she could have said, "If you're going to love me just love me already."

Derek gave Meredith his own obstacle course and she tried to run it, as best she could. But his big mistake was to push it to the point where it seemed like he was going to leave her again. She's done all the suffering she's going to do over losing Derek, I think.

And poor Bailey always thinking she's failed someone. sigh!
It was another good season.

EY

Gilmore Girls
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Thursday 17May07 6:32am

I just finished watching the series finale of the Gilmore Girls and I have to say that it was the best Series finale that I've ever seen. I liked the finale of Sex and the City but the whole Paris thing and the break up with the Russian went too far out of the way for me. Seinfeld was a disappointment considering how funny it got over the years.

With the Gilmore Girls it was the show. They didn't lose the format because it was the final show. They were true to the show. They had the first scene with Lorelai and Rory doing what they always do... planning something crazy and cracking their little digs at each other. Ahh planning a tour of roller coasters, my kind of gals. They had Friday night dinner with Lorelai's folks and Emily as always was criticizing Lorelai for being maudlin until Rory comes and announces that she got a new job and will be leaving in three days and then Emily gets what Lorelai was just saying about how she doesn't know when she'll have the time to be Lorelai and Rory again.

They grabbed a quick coffee at Luke's and had to do an impromptu graduation reenactment because Kirk overheard that there would be no party. Sum Cum Luke! That cracked me right up!

The town had their secret town hall meeting. It had to be done and the best part is that it was organized by Luke who always hated those meetings. When he stands up and tells everyone what's going to happen and what he needs, I nodded my head. It was as it should be.

And Luke forever the slow acting love interest but big on Grand Gestures! Men that's what a woman means by a grand gesture... I'm just saying.

Rory has to spend time with Laine. Best friends since Grade One? Sigh! And the look Laine gave Zack when he was trying to rush her last one on one time with Rory. Too cute, too married, too her mother. ha ha!

Rory and Lorelai's moment when Lorelai said that it's too soon, If I react I'll break down. It's too soon. My tears started there and continued when Lorelai's dad said that he was proud of her and that it takes an amazing person to garner a surprise party like that for her and her daughter, while Emily kept cutting him off for being sentimental. So when she finally told Rory that she was honored to be her Grandmother, I lost it!

And the party, Luke sewing a tent because it was going to rain! Are you kidding me? Can you take the grand gesture to the nth degree? Where is my Luke?

And Lorelai, AGAIN, really seeing how Luke is and always has been the one she's been waiting for. sigh!

Gilmore Girls couldn't be Gilmore Girls without ending everything where we ended the pilot episode, at Luke's diner. He at the back cleaning up and Lorelai and Rory at their table bantering. What a great ending.

And as I look into the future of the characters I can see Luke and Lorelai taking the boat trip since his brainiac daughter is at science camp and her brainiac daughter is on the campaign trail both doing what they do best. Lorelai and Luke will attend the Friday night dinners and her parents will treat him like a king, because he loves their daughter. And the townsfolk will be as quirky as ever, and Kirk will have 8000 more jobs and his girlfriend will continue to love him for it and and and...

It finally makes sense why Lorelai had to marry Christopher. She had to never have that question of what if, where he was concerned.

I think, in the end, with the Palladino's gone that the writers did them proud.

I watched the Gilmore Girls for seven years. It brought me back my relationship with my mother, with our secret language and inside jokes and mocking of others. I loved the show and the fast dialogue and the constant mentions of all things television and movies and the like. I loved the characters. It's been a nice family friendly ride! Thanks for the memories! Really, THANKS!

EY

I need you to be the guy
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Wednesday 16May07 7:06pm

I had lunch with my friend Ant on Monday. It's been awhile since we've seen each other. Basically because he told me last time that he wanted me to initiate our next outing. He wanted me to plan something and call him and ask him out. I never got around to it and finally realized my resistance on Monday as we were chatting.

I emailed him about a week ago and gave him my home phone number and my personal email address and said, 'if you want to get in touch with me and make some plans, here's how you can get me."
He called me last week and made plans for the lunch on Monday. At lunch he, once again, said that he wanted me to initiate the next outing. Out of the blue I said, "I need you to be the guy. I need you to call me and make a date."
He said, "Oh! You want to be the girl!"

Yeah! And then it dawned on me. I work with all men everyday, between my guys and the contractors and city workers and delivery people... all men, all the time. I have to be aggressive or I'll get trampled. Let's not discuss when I'm feeling exceptionally sensitive and how hard it is to keep my head above water. But I have to be almost masculine the majority of the time in my life. I need some part of my life where I'm reminded that I'm a woman. I need a guy to open the door for me and ask me out almost every single time. I need to feel like a woman to a man, not a buddy.

Thankfully he's such an aware guy that he got what I was saying and agreed that he can do that for me. We of course discussed the object of my affections (which may be waning) and Ant said that I should ask him out. And again I said, "I can't. I need him to be the guy in this instance. If anything is ever going to happen between us, I need him to be the guy."

As much as men like to say that they like a woman that pursues them they always treat those women a little different in a relationship than the ones they had to find the balls to ask out. So since there are no signs of him ever asking plus I'm growing a tad tired about the whole situation, I highly doubt that this will ever happen.

Traffic was a nightmare today downtown since the piece of marble fell off the exterior of First Canadian Place and they closed down a whack of downtown streets. Cranky Tall Guy was working afternoons and showed up a half hour late. The only one on staff that was late. He walks into my office to grab his keys and says with a nasty, angry face, "This shit is fucking ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous."
I say to several co workers, "Like cranky was the only person affected by this mess today."
They were howling.

I proceeded to say that comments like that poison my environment. Why do I have to listen to that shit? This has nothing to do with our jobs. Don't come in my fucking office and bitch, I don't need to hear it. I told them that this is why I've had to remove myself from their shit. I need to pull a Grizzly Adams and go stay in a cabin in the woods until the end of the year to rejuvenate but since I can't I have to take my breaks elsewhere and just stay away from the daily drama. Like we don't all have problems. Like we don't all have shit in our lives that we worry about or regret or wish we could improve. If you only have cranky shit to say, stay the fuck out of my office! sigh!

That felt good.

So for my New Moon project I decided to work with my finances. Which actually falls in line with Taurus practicality. I have savings that I'm not supposed to touch but I decided to take enough out to pay off all my piddly ass bills which leaves me with my one major bill to pay each month and my monthly expenses of rent, cable and phone and that's it. Four bills/expenses a month instead of nine. Didn't want to touch the savings but the crazy making feelings of being in debt were, well, making me crazy. And since I haven't been feeling my emotional best, I need something tangible that will elevate my mood. That's a huge help, let me tell you.

No body's gonna ever come and take care of me. I don't have parents that I can fall back on. I need to take better care of myself and that means paying my shit off once and for all. And the best thing about living debt free is that you can make quicker decisions. Like if I ever feel like I want to walk away from my job, I don't need to be held hostage because I have debts. If I want to take a leave of absence and work on my novel or go somewhere for research, I have to have no debts. I can't pay off my debt if there is no money coming in but if I have no debts I can work at any shitty job and still pay my rent.

So I'm coming out of the emotional storm and it feels great. Still need to purge stuff from my apartment and I'll get on that eventually.

EY

A Little Different
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 15May07 6:44pm

Started my evening a little different. Came home and had a bath to wash off all the sweatiness. It was really hot out considering the temperature is supposed to drop again tomorrow and it's going to be cold. It's raining now so I'm sure that will bring the colder temperatures.

After my bath, I decided to pull out my Yoga book of Yoga positions and do some of those. Did that for about 30 minutes and ended it off with a chant. I feel more relaxed and ready to sit at my writing desk for the next several hours. There's nothing like finding out how out of shape I am though. Too much of a thrill.

This morning I walked past the tulips at the Parks and Rec and admired their beauty. Yellows and Reds. I wanted to yank one out of the ground and bring it with me. I love tulips. They were slightly opened almost looking like roses. On the way home the tulips were wide mouths and smiling! They were open to the heat of the sun and I gasped and said, "Oh my you're smiling at me!" Out loud! Some man walking past just looked at me like I was a freak but I didn't care about him. I cared about the big yellow and red grins. It really does make sense to smell the roses or better yet admire the tulips.

Zelda had a good day of attacking yet another unsuspecting roll of toilet paper. It's my fault, I left it on my desk forgetting who I am dealing with. I think she has approached the terrible twos even though she's not even a year old yet. All I've been saying is, "No Zellie don't do that. Zelda stop! La la be good!" Yes she knows all her names. I keep telling Picasso and Quincy that they can rough her up a little but they never do. Such gentle souls those two.

Off to another Tarot short story and whatever other writings come out of me.

EY