Hello friends!
This is a chain letter. Webster's Dictionary defines a chain letter as "a letter sent to a number of people asking each recipient to send copies with the same request to a specified number of others. The circulation of a chain letter increases in geometrical progression as long as the instructions are followed by all recipients." I, personally, define a chain letter as an easy target for parody!
This particular chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible, since there was no email back then, and since everyone was too busy milking cows and doing needlepoint and stuff to start chain letters. It has been around the world twenty times, to the moon and back, over the river and through the woods, and is now sitting in your email inbox. As impossible as this may seem, it has not been broken once, (nope, not ONCE!) and you are now given the burden of seeing to it that the record stays intact. If this chain letter survives until the year 3003, the name and email address of everyone who ever received it will be featured in "The Guinness Book of World Records." Granted, you won't be around to see it, but you'll at least die knowing that you've achieved immortality. Wait, isn't that an oxymoron?
Now, this is the best part. A few years ago, several greedy, selfish people began to campaign against chain letters, due to the fact that they didn't get anything in return for their time and effort (except immortality, but I guess that wasn't good enough.) Anyway, at the time, Microsoft just happened to be beta testing a new email tracking system, so we've collaborated with them, because, as you know, a big high-tech company like Microsoft always sends important new software out over the Internet to be available to any moron who can operate a computer, right? Also, they have formed a secret merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone who reads this email, passes it on, looks at it, knows someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend of someone who looks at it, a free, ALL-EXPENSE-PAID trip to Disneyland, Disney World, or EuroDisney! Really! However, the fact that by sending this email on might give you the chance to be immortalized in The Guiness Book of World Records, and the chance that you might get to go to one of those Disney places is just a fringe benefit. The REAL reason this chain letter was started is to help a little starving legless armless headless parentless goatless goat boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no head, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Headless Parentless Goatless Goat Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, there is no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Is that enough motivation for you? It should be. But, in the improbable occasion that it isn't, here are a few stories that might light a fire under that lazy butt.
Obviously Fake Horror Story #1:
Obviously Fake Horror Story #2:
Obviously Fake Horror Story #3:
Obviously Fake Horor Story #4:
Okay, you're surely convinced now. If you pass this chain letter on, someday soon, you will make a bus just in time, find a penny, or miss being crushed by a flaming meteor. Also, you will be granted one wish. (Instructions are as follows.)
Quick! Make a wish and scroll down as fast as your little mouse will let you!
Oh, please, They'll never go out with you! Wish something else!
Ew! You pervert! Not THAT! Wish something else!
Okay, that works. Now keep scrolling...
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!
Didn't I tell you to stop? What are you doing way down here? Sigh...Well, you almost blew your chance at getting your wish, but there IS a way to make up for it...by sending this letter to everyone you know. (Come on, you saw it coming.) Here's what you have to do:
Send this letter to:
Oh, yes, and while I have your attention, I'd like to take a moment to warn you about a new virus that's currently circulating the Internet. If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive; it will delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number. And so on and so forth.... So be careful!
Now, for reading this far, I'd like to give you a little gift. This is a poem I wrote:
A Friend:
Now that you're almost done reading, I'd like to take one more attempt to convince you to pass this on to everyone you know that is gullible enough to believe this (or not)! Even if it's not true, hey, insulting all of your friends by implying that they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland, or be in "The Guinness Book of World Records," or help a little starving legless armless headless parentless goatless goat boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen. Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of receiving this kind of junk from you, it's worth the chance, right? SO SEND IT ON!!!!! This is not a joke!!!!! This is not a scam!!!!! This is not a hoax!!!!! This is not a prank!!!!! This is just an excuse to use an excessive number of exclamation points!!!!!
Thank you for your time.
Yeah right. Get a life.
Little Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of raw sewage, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Dexter Bip, a 13 year-old-boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died. Their families were so upset that anyone even remotely related to them (even by marriage) went crazy and spent the rest of their miserable lives in institutions. This Could Happen To You!!!
Mrs. Enid Chussner of Deepwater Junction, Virginia, received this chain letter in the mail, as well. She thought this was all a joke... until the rabid chipmunks showed up. I won't go into any more detail. This Could Happen ToYou!!!
Mr. Peter Perlov of Natchez, Maine is now unable to properly pronounce the word "gnocchi" due to his cynical attitude towards chain letters. This Could Happen To You!!!
0-10 people: You'll have 0-10 fewer friends.
11-20 people: You'll have 11-20 fewer friends.
21-30 people: You'll have 21-30 fewer friends.
31-40 people: Yeah, right. You don't have that many friends to begin with.
41-50 people: Your wish will come true, AND you'll get to be in "The Guinness Book of World Records," go to that Disney place, and help a little starving legless armless headless parentless goatless goat boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen. And...you won't die. Have fun! Oh, and you can't send this to anyone who's already gotten it, either! Or they'll die and so will you.
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a refuse from a rotting garbage dump.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown in a pile of manure.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being immortal to come true.