The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class. Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth minister. The little boy answered, "Its all a racket, They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services.
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.
After standing for some time, the doctor asked, "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
A while later, the lawyer asked, "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked, "Why are we standing here?"
"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few = hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that gun..."
His grandmother remarked... "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany.
She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located
9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove
of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of
holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months,
I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing
room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in
the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married
in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a
wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly,
has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year
since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch
and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute
and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to
go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can
be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person
enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all
since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting
you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be
seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."