A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little overprotective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss. One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentlemen said, Hi, I'm Joe,I'm here for Flo, We're goin' to the show, Is she ready to go? The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun,
and answered the door. A gentlemen said, Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, We gettin' spaghetti, Is she ready? The farmer frowned
but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentlemen said, Hi, I'm
Chuck, And the farmer shot him.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Toughest Cowboy..............
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Minnesota and the other from Oklahoma are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins....
The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is! Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands!"
The cowboy from Texas can't stand to be bested. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid from under a rock and made a move for me! I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp!"
The cowboy from Minnesota remained silent, not saying a word.... He just sat beside the glowing campfire, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
---------------------------------------------------------------
MALE LOGIC:
A man had three girlfriends, but didn't not know which one to marry. He decided to give each one $5,000 and an
4-13-99
Do you know the toughest foursome to play behind?
Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton.
WHY?????
Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over
water, and Clinton doesn't know which hole to play
---------------------------------
It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned
in
her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless
because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The
first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early."
Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm
smart.
I'll
answer first." The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years
ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham
Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."
Johnny was mad that Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."
Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first. The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny >could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."
Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first. Then the teacher
turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their
mouths shut!" The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "Bill
Clinton. May I go now?"
---------------------------------
A little girl approaches her mother and asks, "Mommy,how do you
get babies?" "Well sweetheart," replies the mother, "the Daddy
takes
his penis and puts it into the Mommy's vagina." "Oh, okay," says
little girl. "But last night I walked by your bedroom and you had
Daddy's penis in your mouth." "That's how you get jewelry,"
says
the mother.
---------------------------------
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head.
---------------------------------
3-27-99
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a
smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a
condom, cut off the
end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued
smoking.
Lady 1: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the
local drugstore and
announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a package of
condoms. The guy looks at
her
kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her
80s), but politely asks
what
brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she
replies, "as long as it fits a
Camel." The druggist fainted.
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN! Damn I like these
The teacher asked her students to use the
word "fascinate"
in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went
to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all
the animals. It was
fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I
wanted the word
fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My
family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
was Fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but again, I
wanted the word
fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
hesitated
because Johnny is noted for his bad
language. She
finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word
"fascinate"
so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with
10 buttons.....
....But her tits are so big she can only
fasten 8."
A little boy and his grandfather are
raking leaves in the yard.
The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to
get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that
worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you
five dollars you can't.
It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that
little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and
comes back out with a can
of
hair spray. He sprays the worm until it
is straight and stiff as
a
board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five
dollars, grabs the hair
spray,
and takes off.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather
comes back out of the house
and
hands the little boy another five
dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa,
you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's
from your grandma."
Three farmers, one from Minnesota one from Wisconsin and one from Iowa are at a farm sale looking over the collection of odds and ends on the hay rack. About the same time all of them spot a lamp, one of them picks it up and rubs it. At that moment a genie pops out and tells the three of them since they have released him from the lamp he will grant them all one wish. First the farmer from Wisconsin says "I would like to raise the quantity and quality of corn and soybeans as my good neighbors in Iowa." the genie says "your wish is my comand". Next the Minnesota farmer shouts his request; "I want a wall 300 feet high and 100 foot wide all around the state of Minnesota to keep out these Iowa and Wisconsin and all the other foreigners from coming into my state and catching all these Minnesota fish." The genie says, "your wish is my command'. Next the Iowa farmer, kinda slow and thinking, rolling a corn cob around under his shoe finally asks the genie a question. "That wall you built, is it 300 ft tall and 100 ft wide?" the genie replys "yes" the Iowa farmer then asked "is it strong, long lasting and waterfroof?" the genie again responds "yes". Finally the Iowa farmer says "fill it with water."
3-15-99
A man who worked for the fire department came home
from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have
a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we
all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down
the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready
to go!"
"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run
this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want
you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to
jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to
make love all night!"
The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.
The next night, he came home from work and yelled,
"Bell #1!"
The wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.
"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...
After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....
The husband asked "What the hell is this Bell #4?"
"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE
NEAR THE FIRE!"
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it,
when
he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute(whore house). He knocked on the
door, and the madam came to answer it, saw him and asked what he
wanted.
He said he wanted what she was selling inside, had the money to
buy it,
and wasn't leaving until he got it. She thought she would have some fun
with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to
pick one of the girls he liked; he asked her if any of the girls had
any
diseases, and of course the madam said no. He had heard all the men
were
talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making
love
with Mable, and that was the girl he wanted, and that he had the
money to
pay for it. The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first
room on
the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back down still dragging the frog. He paid the
madam,
and picked up his wagon and headed out the door, at which time the
madam
stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in
the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother
and
father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby- sitter. When they leave, I am going to make love to the
baby-sitter
who happens to be fond of little boys, and give her the disease I just
caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter
home, on
the way, he will make love to her, and he will catch it. When dad gets
home, he and mom will go to bed, they will make love, and mom will
catch
it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the
milk, and he will make love to mom, and he will catch it, and he is the
son-of-a- bitch that ran over my FROG...
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The
horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and
again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when..
The Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
3-2-99
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35
years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.
When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family
there,
who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a
tidy
gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing
lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently
led him through
the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever
experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs,
where she fixed
him
a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied
she poured him a
cup of
steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
bill sticking
out
from
under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but
what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him
what
to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was
my
idea."
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happen upon a frog in a pond. The frosaid to to
princess, I was once a
handsome prince uil an ev witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you
and I will turn back into a prince and then we
can marry, move into the castle with my Mom, and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.
That night, while the princess dined
on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought, I don't fucking think so.
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well
endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long! He can't get
any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's
nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he
thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to
a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives
there.
"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5
inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds
the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks back at him and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is
great, he thinks, let's try that again.
"Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch - the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.
So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, no,
NO!"
2-22-99
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said,
"Ma'am,
did
you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman
says,
"May
I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives
him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent sometime
there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells
After having their 11th child, a couple from Arkansas named Rob and Sarah
decided that was enough, (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So,
Rob went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and
his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
Rob said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy
when he noticed that they were from Arkansas. This doctor instead told the
man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can,
hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, Rob went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other
hand.
This last joke is another Little Johnny joke which was again sent to me by Kate, (Skate2883). some of you have heard the first part of this before, but keep reading cuz the second part is the funniest.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
problems when his
teacher
picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on
a fence and you shot
one
with
your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny.
"'cause
the
rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the
teacher. "But I like the
way you
are
thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for
you now. If there
were
three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
licking her cone, the
second
biting her cone, and the third one sucking
her cone, which one is
married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I
guess the one sucking
the
cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the
wedding ring on her
finger.
But
I like the way you are thinking.
Another day in class the teacher brought a
bag full of fruit.
"Now
class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe
a piece of fruit,
and
you
tell
what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny
raised
his
hand
high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him
and picked Deborah, who
promptly
answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your
thinking.
Now for the
second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and
brownish. Well, Johnny is
hopping
up
and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him.
But
she
skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a
peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I
like your thinking.
Here's
another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he
waves his hand
frantically.
The
teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No,"
the
teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like
your thinking.."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he
speaks up loudly. "Hey,
I've
got
one
for you teacher; let me put my hand in my
pocket. Okay, I've got
it:
it's
round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but
I like your
thinking!
2-21-99
1 Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle
of thnight, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of
moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey
ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's
not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity
not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts
going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny
cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
UPS man usually get bucked off!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
2 Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him
yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
3 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the
sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss
Jones, I need to take a piss!!"The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT
the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is
'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly,and I
will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an
eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
4 One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in
the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she lookedbeautiful in
it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher
called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
5 A few months after his parents were divorced, little
Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and
moaning,"I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw
her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard
her moaning.When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw
himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need
a bike! I need a bike!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
6 Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly
reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some
honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began
stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees,
and after a brief
moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for
one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon somebutterflies,and soon
started catching them and crushing them under his feet.
His father again caught him, and after a brief moment ofthought,
said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner,
and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen
floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches
were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father
standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to
tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
7 A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex
education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little
Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive
throughout the entirelecture.Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the
teacher asks for
examples ofsex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I
saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," said the
teacher. "My mommy had a baby,"said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied
the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the
teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger.
He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked
at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have
to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
8 A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that
He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised
his hand
and said, "He's in heaven."Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my
heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know!
I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at
the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss
for a
few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny
how
he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father
gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are
you still in there?'!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
9 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On thisparticular
day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the
body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
your
mind goes to heaven." The teacher praises the little girl, as a
little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes
to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought,
"I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think
goes
to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven
first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroomlast
night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God,I'm
coming!'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
10 Little Johnny came home from school to see thefamilies pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flaton
its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs
sticking
in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so god can
reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great", said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came
home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost
lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from
school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her
back with her legs
in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming, and if it hadn't of
been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!
2-15-99
A Catholic Joke
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells
her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls
him "Father".
The second Catholic woman chirps " My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people call him "Your Grace".
The third Catholic woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say "Your Eminence".
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three
women give her this subtle "Well....?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper. When
he walks into a room, people say "Oh my God...."
