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Brother Al

 
Al, so quiet and serious, thoughtful and shy, an engineer by profession, a geeky sort of guy. But mention design and his eyes would light up. He'd grab pen and paper. He'd get all tied up. He'd sketch out a kitchen, an ergonomic design, all the major appliances in triangular lines. When he left late that summer, we guessed he went west to finish his studies away from his past. But it seems a year later, he felt hope was gone, so he ended his life as he lived it, alone. I don't know how he felt, despair, pain, or fear. I don't know if he thought of his family waiting here. I know he had sorrows, wife and child lost in Hue; a fight with depression, and poor health on the way. His second wife died as they drove home one night. He carried that blame, never brought it to light.
 
Focused on a narrow goal, he continued to try, but through the last steps' his success was denied. I am sure, knowing Al, that he thought it all through. Perhaps he sketched out the angles to use. However he planned it, it didn't take long, Shotgun to the chest and then he was gone. For years we had hoped to see him drive in, to collect his belongings, to settle here again. But now he's not coming, and all we have left are some boxes, some memories, much sorrow to heft. I miss Brother Al and his kind, friendly smile. Since I can't say goodbye, I'll miss him awhile. Maybe some distant day, when we're able to forgive, we will talk of our memories and again Al will live. C. Roberts 7/99
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Editor's note: According to Al's own account of events, he and his Father-in-law searched Hue for a long time after the Marines destroyed it. His wife had taken their one month old son to town with her for the day. They found her body, but never found the baby. We did not think to ask the baby's name. The point in time when Al killed himself was when George Bush was triumphantly declaring that he had cured "Vietnam Syndrome" by winning his war against Saddam and giving the nation a sense again of what it is to be winners. And our son came home from that silliness to buy a new T-bird, an excellent sound system, and find a woman with whom to pass on his genes, like so many sons have come home from War before and will again. We can not help but wonder if Al's son is alive somewhere in Nam, an Amerfrenchasian outcast, struggling like his father to tolerate and coexist with fools who just don't get it. We wish we had thought to ask the baby's name.