THE CAPTIAN'S CHRONICLES
Written by: Bradley Edwards

The golden boy of command, a shining example of what Starfleet demands of its ranking officers. That’s what they’d called him. All through his time at the Academy he had been hailed for his natural talent in leading people and the praise had only grown during his five years serving at Starfleet Command. Already a Lt. Cmdr. and first officer at the start of his first shipboard assignment, Starfleet felt that he was surely one of the greatest newcomers and would prove to be every inch the man they thought him to be.

James Hansen certainly didn’t feel like a golden boy. Or the greatest gift to Starfleet either. In fact, he was feeling a little like a drowning man, sort of like a new cadet and a lot like an island.

Of course, had one asked anybody who knew of Cpt. Hansen’s first month and a half in space, that person would have had all kinds of things to say. As a first officer on the Galileo and Epimethius, he was loved by the crew. He went to great lengths to talk to everyone and help them out. He was always around and never tried to run the crew from a pedastel. Even now, as a captain, he was well liked. His senior staff was made up of officers from his past ship, and almost all could be said to be fairly staunch supporters of the Captain, even if for different reasons. Even those who weren’t his greatest fans at least liked him, or liked working with him. Even Starfleet was impressed the new captain. Word of his exploits had spread quite far in the fleet and his name was quickly becoming as well known as a few famous others for getting things done. Word of his exploits had spread far.. And what exploits they were.

Where would one start? There are of course the tales of the absolutely inspirational work he did daily with his crew. But of course, this was one of his minor accomplishments. One could speak of the massive dish of dilithium that he secured ownership of for the Federation. Then there was the Orion pirate incident, where the then Lt. Cmdr. rescued his captured crew and secured the pirate vessel without firing a single shot. There was also the innovative rescue of the Cithrin scientists from armed oppressors. Who would have thought to escape by drilling through the walls with phasers?

Speaking of innovation, and walls, who would have dreamed of making a tunnel through a gigantic wall of plasma that was large enough for the Enterprise to pass through? One should also mention the fight to recapture the Galileo from invading commandos. Or perhaps the subsequent capture of a Nebula class vessel with only two men. Or how about the later boarding of an Akira class vessel and capture of its computer information with three men? One could even mention the capture of his third vessel, a Steamrunner class, with five men, three of which were Klingon, in the middle of a battle situation in order to save the Enterprise. Some may mention at this point, that after the capture of the Steamrunner, the Lt. Cmdr. renamed her the Backlash and was given her as his first command. The most striking aspect of all of this is that the new captain is only 26. The only other captain to reach the rank at that age was the (in)famous Cpt. Kirk. Finally, what of the finding his alternate self and ship and instead of attacking them when they tried to destoy his ship, managed to save them from their attackers and get them join the Fleet in a time of crisis?

Almost as good as all this, in Command’s eyes, Hansen also made sure that he was never given sole recognition for all of this. In each case his reports spoke glowingly of those who’d helped him and done his best to make sure they’d gotten noticed as well.

But for all this, the captain didn’t feel so heroic. Stoic, certainly, but not necessarily heroic. After all, a certain level of stoicism is necessary to be captain. Not that it made it any easier. The real truth was that so much had happened to James, that he was feeling a little overwhelmed.

Already a captain, he was being forced to deal exclusively with the present and future, without having finished dealing with the past. A year later, he still hadn’t really dealt with the loss of his mother. Add to that the heady success he had achieved. And more importantly, the defeats. The loss of the Laselle with all hands aboard and eight of his own crew still haunted his dreams. Every night he saw faces, some he knew and others he didn’t, as they were engulfed by the plasma around them. He watched them die and their ship explode and despite what others said, he felt responsible. Every night he had these dreams, but wouldn’t wake up screaming. Instead he’d sleep peacefully, often with his beautiful girlfriend in his arms, and inside him he’d feel like his heart was bleeding and his soul was being squeezed. Never did James speak of these dreams. Not to his lover or his best friend. Instead he carried the pain inside him and every evening would steel himself for the night’s torment. Morbid as it seemed, James felt that this was his punishment for failure, and his reminder of the costs of his actions...

There was absolutely no way to avoid it. There was no escape, no respite, no refuge. There was no where to run and... well not even anywhere to hide. James knew, in every way possible, that no matter what, he couldn’t get away from it. It had snuck up on him and swallowed him whole, body and soul, without him even noticing. He had been engulfed so fully and so completely that he hadn’t even realized it until now. He’d had sneaking suspicions, but the mind is weird thing, hiding the obvious and making clear the obscure. The fact that it had only hit him now only emphasized how definitively he’d been conquered. It was odd that James hadn’t noticed earlier. He took pride in knowing himself, even when it might be painful. But there it was.

As he lay there looking at the sleeping form beside him, James knew that he was madly, deeply, completely and truly in love. Every ounce of him radiated with this new found knowledge. He had never felt anything so strongly or so truly in his life. Laying there beside her, just watching her sleep, he felt he could just drown in the love he felt for her. It was so true and so deep and so pure. But as exhilirating as the feeling was, it still scared him. Things had been so good between them, but still, there was the chance that she didn’t feel the same. There was the chance that he would lay himself open before her and have his heart ripped out. He wanted so much to open himself to her completely and let her in. And James knew that he’d do it. Whether the love was returned or scorned, he would give himself to her. Deep down inside, beyond the fear and somehow beyond the love, James knew he would never find this again. If she were to leave, part of his soul would too, and there would never, never, be another to replace her.

So there he was, faced with the most difficult decision he’d ever made, but as sooned as the question came to him, it was solved. For one agonizing instant he hung undecided, but then realized there could be no other choice. In her he had found his soul mate. Duran would say Imzadi. If only he knew how true that was.

In the end, James knew there was no other choice. Somehow he would have to find the courage to ask her. He had to. For the first time in his life, James dreamed of marrying. He also knew that it would be the last time, because if not her, there couldn’t ever be anyone else. James could only hope that the love he felt for her was returned, and that whatever Gods had sent this angel that landed in his lap would smile upon him again.

As if hearing his thoughts, Aylynn snuggled up closer to him and smiled in her sleep.

They sat in the Captain’s quarters, together on the couch. From there they could watch as the stars flew by on their way to... Well, that was the question that they, and everyone else on the Backlash, were facing. The thought of what was coming weighed heavily on the young Captain. Cuddled up with his fiancée, he was acutely aware of all he had to lose. He also felt the burden of those around him, his friends and his crew, knowing that he was responsible for bringing them home safely but also knowing that it may well be impossible. Even Admiral Hansen held little hope of seeing his son again; it had been written all over his face the last time they had spoken.

So they sat together, hardly speaking, enjoying the rare treasure of a quiet moment alone with each other. They’d been together for only a couple of months, but even so, James lamented the time that had been lost, not spent with Aylynn.

Almost as if she’d heard him, Aylynn pressed closer to James. “I really wish we’d found more time to spend together. I know we’ve been busy, but...”.

“I know, I’m sorry.

Again, they fell silent. There was nothing more to say. Nothing they could speak of was unaffected by this mission and the imminent war, and that was the one thing that they would not speak of. So, with little need to speak and certainly no desire they spent the rest of their 4 hours quietly, in each other’s arms.

When they left, they did so silently, pausing only for a quick kiss and hug. The weight the Captain felt on his heart, the weight of the world, was still there, but he knew that as long as he still had Aylynn, there would be a reason to fight. For her, he would fight.