**THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING**
Me
I'm sorry to all of you who i hurt by creating this page, i never intended to hurt anyone. It just happend. I'm sorry and always will be.
Well you've stumpled on my page dedicated to self injury. this is something i've had to deal with now for two and a half years. It never seems like its been that long. To me it is just a series of days went by. when I was deeply involved with it it was more or less just a blob of days. I probably can't really distinguish one from another. On October 20, 1999 it will be six months since the last time I had a major SI episode. Since that day i've only had two minor actions, but in both times i realized what i was doing and stopped before I could do much damage. And well now I'm at college and I'm just hoping and praying that it doesnt' continue here. I've been in therapy for over a year now, although the therapist i first saw didn't do much good. He saw bruises on my arms and thought some one else did it. He was quick to judge that that is what it was. He seemed to think i was in an abusive relationship, and with in a few moments had already desided i wasn't assertive enough and that was the stem of all my problems. This is also before he ever found out about my therapy. I never told him. After two sessions I cried and cried becasue I didn't want to go back. The therapist basicly spent the whole time telling me how I could just change and be happy. After my second appointment I went home and cut. My mom switched me to another therapist in town and I've been seeing her since. At first it was every week, but only for the first two or three weeks. Then I was moved to once every other week. It wasn't an insurance thing, mine would have payed for me to go every day, they thought that was all I needed at the time. However, during this time period I started cutting or giving myself bruises on a daily basis. Going two days with out hurting was great. I couldn't stop doing it no matter how hard I tried. As a result I was moved back to once a week by my therapist after about two months of every other week. At about the same time I went to the doctor for a regular check up and well was discovered. She didn't buy my lines that it was just from shaving and the bruises came from walking in to stuff and working out. A little over a week later I started my doctor started me on an Antidepressant.
I was put on celexa to help with depression and obsessive thoughts. I had a real hard time with that, I never felt depressed, I never wanted to die. I liked living, I Liked Being Me. After the initial dose didnt' start to work they just kept raising it and raising it. Eventualy my therapist communicated with my doctor enough so that she started treating me with meds for obsessive thought rather then depression. The only thing was to treat that, they had to give me even higher doses of medicine. At this time i was taking 150 mg of Celexa a day. two pills at night and one in the morning. I couldn't stop shaking. I cut all the caffeine out of my diet. That only added to the shaking. Finaly after three unsuccessful months of treatment I went to a psychiatrist. My therapist and regular doctor both contacted him before I went. He basicly had a good idea of what was going on, but they didn't use any terms to discribe me so that his opinion as to what was "wrong" could be unbiased. Initialy he thought I was depressed, but after survey style test he realized no, I wasn't. He decided that it was anxiety and obsessive compulsive behaviors. He put me on Luvox, and I started to improve. It still took a while, and they had to increase my dose, but atleast I don't shake and I'm able to live my life
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