I am going to talk about who
I am now, by explaining who I once was; because a great transformation has
occurred within me to make me who I am today.
A problem that I had for a number of years was that of little to no
self-esteem; and looking back on it, I can see a couple of reasons why I was
that way.
The first factor was my
weight. I was born nine pounds three
and one-quarter ounces. This was rather
large for a newborn, and over the years I retained this large stature, thus I
was always bigger than the other kids.
However, this did not really count against me in the eyes of my peers
until the third grade. I believe that
this grade was significant because that is when social circles first emerged;
though I never found myself in one. I
attempted to make up for this lack of acceptance by befriending my
teachers. I became friends with them;
sharpening pencils, cleaning their glasses, even inventing holidays in their
honor. Unfortunately for me, even that
proved to be a rather inadequate escape as time went on. I figured out how things worked very
quickly. You see, the other kids could
make fun of me to boost up their own self-esteem. By tearing me down, all the others seemed to feel better about
themselves. They could get away with it
too, because I was different than everybody else; everyone could trash on me
without fear of retaliation.
One
experience I still remember vividly happened on the way home from school. I walked home the same way a lot of kids
did. There was a narrow gravel trail
that wound down the grassy hill from the school; this brought you to an old red
wooden bridge that crossed a stream.
After the stream the gravel path became sidewalk, which wove it’s way
through all of the streets in our neighborhood. On this particular day, I was being followed by a group of four
or five boys who were my age. They came
up on me rather quickly, and started in with their usual taunts. I naturally wanted to avoid whatever it was
they intended to do, and I started to walk faster. They soon overcame me and I was forced to a halt. One of the boys reached out with his fist
and hit me square in the face. The
others followed suit, and soon all of them proceeded to hit and kick me with
all their might. Already in tears, I
began to feel less and less of the pain, and it seemed I was only partially
aware when they began to spit upon me.
My mind held no thought, except for the words they were screaming, “Fat
Boy John.” At some point I tried to get
away, but with extra weight generally comes a lack of speed, so it was some
time before they actually grew tired of their pursuit, and gave up the
chase. I trod slowly home, having what
little self-esteem I had once held shredded to pieces, abandoned and forgotten. My tear-stained, dirty cheeks and ripped
clothing told the tale. My eyes showed
the scars.
This
experience went through my mind every day for six years; over, and over, and
over. Can you imagine the magnitude of
the impact this would have on the self-esteem of an eight year old boy? This is what I dealt with every day of my
life, and I never did a thing about it, because that was just the way things
were. I had never known any different,
so it must have been the same everywhere, right?
Another
factor working against me was that my family moved a lot. Between kindergarten and seventh grade I
moved nine times. This made it somewhat
difficult for me to learn to interact with children my own age, because during
the short time I lived in most places, I did not have enough time to make
friends; or to set myself up on the social scene; it would be a long time
before I actually would learn to use people skills. As I was always moving, I could never count on keeping a friend
for any guaranteed length of time, so I kept none. It wasn’t worth it to find one person who cared, because I knew
that in a short while, I’d be gone, and so would they.
During this time period I could have been described as something to
this effect: withdrawn, soft spoken, reclusive, and having no self-esteem. I had no friends to speak of, and if left to
myself, I would not have found any.
Thus we see the person I once was, and now we are ready to discover why
I am the person who stands before you today.
It
is a grim picture that has been painted thus far, but it has a better
ending. Since 1989, I spent at least
one week of each summer at YMCA Camp Wapsie.
This place was special to me, because it provided an escape from
reality; something which nothing else offered, because there, I was
accepted. I was accepted for who I
was, and I was not made fun of. This
proved to be a welcome retreat each year, however it never had a major impact
on me until the summer of 1996.
Each
week there were two campfires, both of which the entire camp went to. At these fires, songs were sung, and
fellowship was strong. Out of reverence
for one of these fires, I stood as I sung, though I was the only one who did
so. Soon one of the counselors walked
up to me and said, “You’re cool, you know that?” That statement really caught me off guard. It was possibly the first time I’d ever been
called cool, but definitely the first time I’d been called cool for being
me. I always thought I had to act like
everyone else, wear the same clothes, and have the same friends. Then I’d be cool. It never occurred to me that I could be the person who I wanted
to be. I always worried if my hair was exactly
parted, or if I had worn that particular shirt earlier that week, or if perhaps
I had indeed been completely naïve the class period before when I was told my
biggest crush actually liked me. I
worried about everything everyone else thought of me, and those thoughts are
what shaped who I was, and who I would have become. From that day on however, things changed. I was no longer going to be made of what
other people wanted me to be, I was going to be who I wanted to be, and nothing
else. It didn’t matter if I was doing
the popular thing, or the right thing, or even just my own thing; and they
could mock me all they wanted, but I knew that someone somewhere, even if it
was just me, someone knew I was cool; just being me. Thus my life was changed.
I went from being withdrawn and reclusive to being open and
outgoing. I cared about myself, and
those around me. I knew that I was
important. I had friends.
Can
you imagine one compliment changing your life forever? This one, chance, singular event, not
lasting five seconds, coupled with a sudden stop in moves five years ago,
changed my life forever. From then on,
I was Jeremy Kidd, and that is all I’m ever going to be, because there is not
one reason why anyone, is any better, than anyone else; and I know that I am
cool, because one counselor, at the end of a long summer, took five seconds out
of her day, to impact my life forever.
