Death Stuff - Random Thoughts
* Gradnpa A. went into hospice this morning.
* I thought I'd be ready for this.
* This is probably a good thing - the closure I've wanted (I don't like big question marks over everything)
* In some ways - I've already greived and mourned. I cried that Friday when I got Gradma's e mail with the "If he survives" line. But then he survied! (And kept surviving for 11 weeks!)
* I think it's like a teeter totter. If there is a heavy obect on one end of the teeter totter, the easier way to lift it up is to adjust the boardso there is a long end --- the weight gets spread out over a distance(difficult to descibe - but I know what I mean). I think a lot of the pain has been spread out over 11 weeks (In college a term was 10 weeks plus finals --- I could have gotten an entire term done during all of this)
* part of me says what a waste of time
* part of me says it's kinda nice to have all that emotion spread out a bit (vs. Grandma VW's sudden and shocking death)
* In some ways I'm so selfish - I want "it" to delay until after the weekend -- for my own selfish reasons
* I hope "You-know-who" (I speak not of Voldermort, but of Mt. Greenwood's current Rev.) doesn't do the funeral (he sucks and he's mean. He is a short little man - in more ways than one.) I don't want him (or his scripture-on-a-sticky-note, or his yelling, or his attitude) anywhere near the "funeral festivities" Let us mourn without being preached at. (Uncle Micks Funeral was THE WORLDS WORST (and it'd take a lot to be worser than Great Grams!!) We can comfort ourselves and each other just fine without the Rev. Mt.Greenwood - thank you very much! This is not just a gig for you to pull out your stock funeral speech - and impress us with your yelling and screaming. Go Away and let us be!
* Grandpa will be OK - I believe that. ANyone who prays as long as he does before dinner will be ok with God ( - :
This isn't going to cause some huge spiritual crisis for me. I know grandpa A. was quite happy with his God and was doing everything he thought was right and good for God. (I don't have it all figured out yet - but I didn't have it all figured out LONG before his brain started bleeding!) I'm more worried about life that will conitune to go here on earth -- like Grandma.. . . . What is she going to do now (to quote the stan rogers song "each had always kept the other pretty well"). The house, driving, taking care of herself, lots of big life questions that can't be delt with until after the inevetable death stuf is over. (One thing at a time Julie dear --- don't rush ahead to the next step until you've finished the 6 you are tackling right now!)
* Lots of thinking - not a lot of answers. I don't know if I have the emotional strength to hang out at the funeral home for a night and a day. We just did that with Uncle Mickey -- It's too much. I don't want ham buns and lemon cake. I don't want to sit and cry, or shake hands, smile, and make polite small talk with all the old folks I know by face but not by name (and vice versa!) I'd much rather sit and BIG talk. I'd rather hang out with the rest of the grandkids and just "be". Where one can be serious, or silly, or laugh or kick and scream and cry and it's all good. (There are some people it'll be nice to see again, but they are few and far between, and even then the opportunit to really talk or just veg is not avaiable. It's like you drive all that way just to see their face, without really being with them.)
* I feel like funerals have turned into a show, or a silly tradition that is expected. It's not a place to mourn, it's a place to do what society says we need to do. Papa was happy to be unconventional and do some things he thought needed to be done (or not done) for Grandma VW's funeral. Grandma A. is too graceous - she will do what is expected, and what "grandpa would have wanted" (ridiculous - - it might be ABOUT Grandpa -- but it certaily is FOR grandpa)
* Of course, I have absolutely NO VOICE here -- which is good. I don't think I want an opinion. Grandma needs to be feel to do what she thinks is right (if I impose what I think on her, it is just as bad as the society-ly imposed "stuff" maybe even worse, because she'll try to cater to her family AND to the rest of the world.
* Grandma has had the roughest time of all. Between Uncle Mickey (her last brother) and then her husband. I don't know how to love her from so far away. I know she likes e mail - but I don't have much to e mail about--- I don't know.
* The Billy Moyers special on Dying ("On Our Own Terms") was good. At least the first two espisodes were good (I didn't like the third episode where they all started comitting suicide) In someways it helps to have thought about all this stuff long before I needed it. Jon and Phil have no clue what Hospice is.
* What about interviews. How can I set up a job interview when I don't know when I'll be around for the next three weeks? How can I land a job for the next three years when I can't committ to an interview in the next three weeks? What kind of rotten person worries more about jobs than their Grandfahter's death?
* I dont' want to drive at the funeral. I'm scared of the whole "drive through a red light" thing. And if I do "loose it" at the funeral (because "Pastor Dork" is being stupid or because I am greiving) I don't want to have to "get it together" in 5 minutes so I can drive. (driving at a funeral is another silly idea -- I like the old Chicago plan. Have a funeral in the city, take the train out to bury them just outside the city, drink at bars until the pain is gone, and then take the train back to the city). We should look into reviving that model of funerals again
* "it" could happen anytime (they said 1 day - 3 weeks) If it is in fact 1 day, it could make for some crummy 4th of July memories (then again, December 11, and Christmas wasn't ruined forever in my mind because of Grandma VW) -- I don't know. I just don't want to deal with it right now (maybe in a week, maybe in two weeks)
* I know I said
before (not long ago actually) that i didn't like the holding pattern and wanted life to go on (even if it ment death) but now that the holding pattern is near the end (or we've begun a new holding pattern) I kinda wish for the old days, the "routine" of a holding pattern. Maybe it's just a case of the grass being greener on the other side - I don't know.
* It is now way past my bedtime. If "it" happens soon, I'll need to be rested to deal with it all. But I doubt I'll be sleeping much tonight.
July 3, 2002
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