Literary Addictions
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when depressed to thrill or cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often "gulping" chapters.
4. I sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to occasionally sneak in a chapter of reading without being seen.
6. Sometimes I will avoid people or family obligations in order to read novels. -
7. Sometimes I re-write lame film or television dialogue as the characters speak.
8. I am uncomfortable in a room unless there is a book nearby.
9. At a party, I sometimes will slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions that other people would avoid
11. I sometimes have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books. Books are necesities
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than are permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered "blackouts" or memory loss from a bout of reading. 17. I have wept or become angry because of something I read.
18. I sometimes wish I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my passion for fiction, drama and poetry is out of control.
If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser! Affirmative responses to five or more statements indicate a serious problem. Please read on for more information!
BACKGROUND
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.
SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn and often are uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases, they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, romantic fantasizing, the conviction that literature is more interesting than life, and general emotional volatility.
HEREDITY
Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature--often they began at an early age and became progressively worse in adulthood. Many spouses of abusers become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Children are at special risk from fathers or mothers who are English teachers or heavy fiction readers and from parents who do not encourage children to play games, spend time with friends at the mall, or watch TV in the evening.
PREVENTION
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers, in particular, should seek partners active in other fields, such as accounting and insurance sales. Children should be encouraged to seek healthy physical activity to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges and universities. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Doris Lessing." By the time you visit his dorm room and find his secret stash of The Paris Review, it may already be too late.
What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let him know you won't abandon him--but insist that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put him through Stanford so he can clerk at Waldenbooks and quote Shakespeare. Remember that he may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps he has just finished Madame Bovary and thinks he is dying of arsenic poisoning.
2. Face the issue: tell him what you know, and how you know it: "I found this book by some Leo Tolstoy in your room. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question?"Who is this Count Vronsky?"
3. Show him other alternatives. Move a television set into his room. Introduce him to sorority girls.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up his library card. Make him stop signing his letters "Oscar," "Rupert," "Ambrose" and "Oliver." Force him to take a math class or take up a minor in business. Transfer him to a college in Oklahoma.
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:
* He can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
* He names one or more of his cats after a Romantic poet.
* On the walls of his room are pictures of Byron, Rimbaud, Virginia Woolf, or any scene from the Lake District.
Most importantly, remember: you are not alone!
To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS! in your telephone directory.
