Ah, yes...this is the revamped jokes and jocularity section...brought to you by Jupiter, the god of Jollity, and hopefully supported by all you Hitchhiker fans! Which is why I put the green guy at the top of this page! *hehehe*
Yeah, yeah, yeah! More stuff is here! Some of it being from my friend Daniel Priest(aka Gandalf).
You go vegetarian on purpose because the cafeteria meat is either overcooked or undercooked.
The number to the pizza delivery service is taped to your phone receiver.
The ratio of your college-related paraphernalia is equal to the number of books you buy every semester.
It's against the rules to burn incense, but you can still smoke cigarettes in your room. Shouldn't it be the other way 'round?
You're surrounded by the annoying ditties and rhymes of the social organisations.
You go to the library to hide on your 21st birthday(this is especially true of those who have completely sworn off alcoholic beverages).
You feel free as a bird, but you still end up calling your parents every night 'cause you miss them.(Irony of ironies, eh?)
You want to explore your dreams, but you still get told your dreams won't make any money.
You get told your dreams won't make any money, but you pursue them anyway, because it's your path to take!
You stay up till 1 a.m. on the Internet chatting with a faraway friend...and no one tells you to go to bed!
You're allowed to surf the Internet and no one will tell you that you can't go here or there.
At least ONE of your sweatshirts has your fraternity or sorority letters embroidered or silkscreened on the front.
You actually get out of class early because the prof didn't have much to lecture about!!!
You actually study for a lack of something else to do.
And last but not least...you know you're in college when you fill out the financial aid reports for yet another semester!
(c)1999 by Anna K. Suetterlin(a.k.a. many aliases)
Did you ever wonder:
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety-one"?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and Milk of Magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4s"?
If lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help!
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs.
Jean will be leading a weight management series Wednesday nights. She uses the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. There will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
Wednesday the ladies' liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the "Little Mother" club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, an offering will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement on Saturday.
Thursday night is the potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The men's group will meet at 6 p.m. The meal will be served for a nominal feel.
A bean supper will be held on Tues. evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic tonight will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir rehearse.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth with Joy."
The Eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet." in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge---up yours!"
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was GAY! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side!" Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will be gay too! I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as simple as that.
Ken Starr:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract the law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss:
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King Jr.:
I envision a world where all the chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
Capt. James Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud:
The fact that you all are concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates:
I have just released e-Chicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook---and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken.
Albert Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken!
Immanuel Kant:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The kosher chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and spread AIDS.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and said unto the chicken: "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
NYPD:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out!
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I'm not a pitiful, helpless chicken! I don't know any chickens! I have never known any chickens!
