I am just going to start this now, and keep a periodical journal. I cannot promise that I will write everyday, and it probably doesn't matter. I am probably the only one who will ever read this, but it still helps to get some things off of my chest. So, here I go...
Wednesday, September 15, 1999
How approriate, on the first day that I start this thing, the only topic I can think to write about is this journal. Why do people keep journals? Or even better, why do some nuts keep journals on-line so that anybody could access their lives? I really have no answer to this question. I, for one, have been known to read a journal if I see one posted. I really cannot give a reaon for that either. I guess that seeing someone elses lives, and the tribulations that they are going through, helps me feel more content in my own. Knowing that I am not the only one who doesn't have everything straight, helps me. There are times when everybody seems to have everything in place. They are content with their standings, while I am still left floundering around trying to find satisfaction in everyday life. It helps me to know that I am not the only basket case around. That I am not the only one who doesn't have it all together. I have been known to stay up until all hours of the night, kept awake by this curse calles thinking. To those of you who are fellow 'thinkers' you know what I mean. I will start to consider my past day, and all the things that I could have done better. Pretty soon I am in a state of minor depression while I consider my day an utter failure. Thinking, like most follows the snowballing effect, once you start, it is hard to quit. Thinking can drive you insane. You start to analyze every little detail of your life, and that will only lead to feeling like a failure, and wondering how anybody could ever love you. Yet while you focul solely on the minor, futile details, you miss the large picture, which is that you are loved. God's love is universal. I will take a quick side step here to make a commont to all the non-christians who may stumble across this. I am not one of those narrow-minded, born again evangelists. I am a christian, and I do believe in God's unconditional love. And even though I have a strong relationship with God, I have been known to fall. But that is another story. My beliefs are my own thing, as yours are your own. There is nothing that others can say tho change my personal relationship with God, so i will not even attempt to change yours. While I am a christian, I do differ from the standard beliefs, on more than one occasion. For instance, I do not believe in a hell. I do believe in satan, and all his un-Godly powers, but I cannot see how God's love could ever falter enough to send us, whom he had his only son die for, to a place of eternal damnation. God loves us too much to let us suffer like that. Many christians will say that Jesus, and repentance are the only way to heaven, but they might also say that all budhists and muslims are going to burn in the after life. I believe in a universal God. He is the God that exists in all religions, therefore no religion is wrong. And being God, a merciful one at that, he choses to see the good in us, even amidst all the bad.
Romans 9:25-26 states;
And he says in Hosea:"I will call them 'my people' who are not my people; and I will call her 'my loved one' who is not my loved one." and, "It will happen that in every place where it was said to them, 'You are not my people,' they will be called 'sons of the living God.'"
With that in mind, how would God let one of 'his people' or one of 'his loved ones' go to a place as aweful as the theoretical hell? I have to go to bed now, it is sometime after midnight, and I have an early class tomorrow. Sorry to bore you with all of this philisophical stuff, but hey, you don't have to read this. I love you all in our God's name. Later.
Thursday, September 16, 1999
I am not going to write another novel today, but I do have a few things I wanted to say. Today in Civilizations class, our professor (narrow-minded as he is) basically said that any religion that worships anything other then God, is dead wrong. Any religion that chooses to worship the God, my God, by breaking down all of the miraculous accomplishments He has done, and praising each of them on their own.
Psalm 98:8-9 says:Let the rivers clap their hands, let the mountains sing together for joy; let them sing before the Lord.
In this psalm, it is by the word of God that the mountains and the rivers, indicating our natural surroundings, praise God himself. By prosonofying these natural objects, he gives them praisable qualities. If a religion, such as those followed in native American beliefs, choses to praise God through such objects, which in themselves are praising God, why discredit their beliefs? Aside from that, isn't God the all powerful, who lives in everything? Last time I was lectured about my beliefs, I was told that God existed everywhere, and is in everything. Then hy not let people praise him in different forms. If a tribe or other religion choses to praise God through the sun, moon and sky, then aren't they just praising him three times as much as the 'typical christian'? Oh well, it just really frusterates me when the narrow mindedness of some so-called christians is brought forewards by means of discrediting others beliefs. Until tommorow, Go with God.
Saturday, September 18, 1999
NO real entery for today, not too much public happened. Just a quick note. I DON'T UNDERSTAND GIRLS!! They do one thing, and say another. See guys you can read like a book. Girls are so darn confusing. I will never understand them. To all the girls who might be reading this. If you care to explain yourself to me, you have my email address, or send me your number, and maybe we can get together sometime...
Sunday, October 3, 1999
Let's see. It has been a while since I made my last entry, so a lot has happened to choose from. I think that I shall continue this entry talking about guys, who are not really men. This may sound like a contradictory statement, but ladies, I am positive that you know what I am talking about. Those guys who will use, hurt and damage anyone that they can. They are not men. Guys can walk up to a girl and give her the impression that she is special, and that he really likes her, when in fact he has no other intentions outside of something physical with her. Personally, I would like to pound these guys into a pulp. I have seen, and I have heard stories where one of these douche bags will meet with a girl multiple times, touch her in intimate ways, kiss her, and then either leave without anything else, or to admit that he already has a girlfriend. These guys are not, and never will become men. Men are of a different mold. A man knows how to treat others. He knows that chivalry is NOT dead, in fact there are a select few of us out here who are making a drive to keep it alive. When I say chivaly, I do not mean chauvinism. Chivalry is the act of holding doors, of complementing without expecting anything in return. Chivalry is not, "Hey baby, you look good, now let's screw." Chivalry is "Wow, you look nice today." On a slight sidetrack, females, please remember that there are some of us who sincerely mean to keep chivalry. We (males) are not all just pigs, so please don't stereotype us as so. Personally, I have had run-ins with these doubting-females; This past summer, I was walking into the mall, to look for some college supplies. As I was opening the door, I noticed that there were two females a few steps behind me. Upon reaching the door, I held it open so that they might pass in before me. The second of the two, looked at me, gave a disgusted sounding "Unh!" and proceded to slap me. I was astounded. Even though that was not the first time it had happened to me (the fourth) it always comes as a surprise. Getting back on track...wait, I forget what track I was on, so I shall just continue. Women, females, members of the [much] fairer sex, I will close with this; please know that not all men are guys. There is real sincerity out there, so please do not stop searching for it, and settling with less then you deserve. With that in mind, do procede with caution, because, while some of us are real, there are men-posers out there who will use you. They will touch you and say that they care about you, and then hurt you. There is little I hate more then seeing a female friend (she doesn't even need to be a friend) being hurt by a guy. In conclusion, be careful, but don't give up on us, yet.
Take care everybody.
Monday, October 4, 1999
What for today? I dunno, today was pretty boring on the whole. I bought Play-Doh. My boring Civ teacher has been talking so much about the philosopher, Plato, that I had to go out and buy the fun filled, moldable clay. Now, while my teacher drones on and on, I can make Plato out of Play-doh! You guys know what, it is hard to come up with topics to write about. If anyone has any ideas, they would be greatly appreciated. I try to write about things of which I hold a stong opinion on. Then I can write with all my passion and firey intelect. Just kidding of course. Really, if I hold an opinion on something, it is much easier to write about. I am going to go now, but if you have any ideas, you know where to contact me. Later y'all.
Tuesday, October 5, 1999
Open minds...how I crave them. While I am here at God's Concentration camp, open minds are hard to come by. I love it here, this is my place as far as I can tell, but it is still hard to find good conversation. There are a few out there, and to anyone from the college reading this, you know who you are. But open minds; As a good friend put it; "Having an open mind is the foundation of understanding. Having a closed mind is the foundation of bigotry." As an old teacher of mine would reply, "Amen brother!"
An open mind is a feature which I prioritize. When talking in regars to my taste in females, there is nothing sexier than an open mind. A person with one, you can really talk to. If a person goes into a conversation expecting to disagree with you, you will accomplish nothing. I have to go now, I have huge physics and civilizations exams in the next couple of days, so i have a lot of work left to do. Oh yeah, tomorrow is my birthday as well. Oh well, I appreciate you all who read this, if there are any of you. Go in peace.
Wednesday, October 6, 1999
First of all, I wanted to sing a song...Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me... nevermind, that is too pathetic. Really, I had a great day. Sure I had classes in the morning, including a physics exam which I bombed, but the afternoon picked up. I hang out with a new friend. We hit tennis balls and then talked a bit. She is an awesome person whom I really want to get to know better. On to my entry, sorry Lauren, but I will talk about you more some other time.
Homosexuals...what's the big deal? This is another way that I differ from the formalized religion, I have nothing against you if you bat for the other team. Sure, the Bible directly says that it is a sin, but I see homosexuality as a persons biological inheritance, not a choice. I mean, look at it from a normal guys position. We have a female, and a guy standing next to each other. Hmmmm... tough choice. I mean, look at the guy...look at the girl. Let's see now boys. There is just something about girls, that if a guy has a choice, he would choose. So that is why homosexuality, is not a choice. (in my opinion) I have gay friends. I have nothing against them. There is not much more I can really say on the subject. Those who agree with me, do, and those who don't, will probably remain closed minded, regardless of what I might say. So I will leave it at that. All you open minded people, go in peace, and to you others try to as well.
Thursday, October 7, 1999
There is something to be said about coincidences. First of all, I want to say that I do not believe in them, I believe that everything happens for a reason. All is part of God's master plan whether or not we understand it (just so ya know, we DON'T understand it). But if I were an agnostic, and had no faith in the master plan, coincidences would freak me out. Especially recently in my life, there have been so many of them. Being a christian, I believe that they are all happening for a reason. My life is handed over to God, so he will do as he pleases with it. But so much stuff has happened, that the timing, it is all just too...well, coincidental. My life has been taking some curves for reasons unknown by me. Things are coming into my life at a time where I really needed them to. I love God. That is first and formost in my life. I love God, and He loves me. But it was said the God has a sence of humor, and I believe it. He has given me so much, and so many oppertunities recently, that it is almost overwhelming. I believe that I must have done something right, and this is His way of rewarding me. He is probably sitting up in his throne, laughing as he watches me gawk at my good luck down here. God is awesome. If it weren't for Him, I would not be here right now. Things that have happened recently, would not have, and I would have been missing out on something really special. I have to go now, I have a ton of work to do for class, but please remember; God does love you. It sounds preachy, I know, but it is the only absolute truth that I believe in (for now). God has a plan for everyone, and he will reveal it a piece at a time to them. So next time you might get worried, or exhasperated at things that are happening to you, sit back, take a deep breath and remember, that God does not intend for us to understand His plan yet. But it WILL work out; I guarantee it. So know that God loves you, and I am willing to bet that there is at least someone else close to you who does as well. Later y'all.
Saturday, October 9, 1999
I don't have too much to say, well, actually I have a lot that I want to say, but this is the internet, and not much of what I want to say is meant to be public knowledge. I cried today, for the first time in a while, I broke down. I just had so many emotions hit me all at once. But that is all I have to say about that. Today I worked at our football game. While I was working I witnessed a couple talking. They apparently were seniors here, and intent upon getting married. They were talking about plates. Something simple like that, but they were already discussing whether they would use paper plates, or real plates at first. I don't know why I tuned in on this conversation, but I did. I then got really quiet. I am not sure why though. Just thinking about that time in the future where I might have the same conversation with the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. It just caused me to think, so I decided to write it down.
Sunday, October 10, 1999
Again, today was a wrather slow day. College weekends seem to be like that. We work through the week just so that we [I] can slack on the two days off. I shouldn't say that the other guys on the floor slack, for many of them take these days to catch up, or to get ahead. I choose to do nothing. This coming week is going to be really slow. I have a total of 4 assignments to do in the next five days. That is down from the teens where it was this past week. Oh well, hopefully something interesting will happen tomorrow so that I will not have just another boring entry to write. Until we meet again, adieu.
Monday, October 11, 1999
Today was a 'guy day' for me. After classes, some of my boys and I went out golfing. (Just for the record, I whooped them). There is something about the golf course. Guys can go out there, smack a white ball around, and talk for hours. You can say anything to the guys then as well, and it will remain confidental. One of the unwritten laws in the male kingdom I guess. After golf, I came back...and OH YEAH, I got a violin! Not for keeps, but a good friend is letting me play around on hers. I haven't taken a lesson, much less held an instrument since 3rd grade, but I am having fun trying to make a nice sound come out of the darn thing. My goal is that by the end of the week, I will be able to play Phantom Of The Opera's "Think Of Me" (one of my favorite songs). But I feel guilty screeching away in the room, while my roommate is here. It must be torture for him, so I am waiting until he leaves, and as soon as he goes, it is under my chin again. Oh well, I think that he is taking off to watch a game, so I have to get to practice. Later.
Thursday, October 14, 1999
I hate thinking, period. Thinking has rarely done me good, on the contrary, usually when I think about thinks, I just confuse myself more. I start to think about something little that happened during the day, and as thinking goes, it just snowballs, and pretty soon I am questioning my entire existance. I always end my 'think-sessions' feeling very alone and depressed. I always seem to cinvince myself that I am just a tag-along in life, and that I am never sincerely accepted by anyone, or anything. People tell me that this is the ideal time for prayer, but that is not what I need. I know that God accepts me even with my countless faults. I know that, but I must admit that I have a need for physical acceptance. It is nice to know that people, tangible people, enjoy my presence, and actually want me around. That is a nice feeling. However, when I start to think, I always end up convincing myself that the beforementioned pleasures, actually don't exist in my life. I don't know why I do this, it just is my nature I guess. I am an affectionate person. I enjoy hugs and other signs of affection. I know that is a sidetrack from what I started writing, but hey, my entire journal thus far is basically one long and winding sidetrack, so sue me. I don't ever really know where I am headed with these enteries, I just start them, and let them plot their own course. Kind of a parallel to my life. I cannot control what happens, "whatever happens, happens." I have to go now, I have work to do for classes tomorrow, and me being the procrastonator, doesn't have any of it done so far. Until I find the time to write again, take care.
Saturday, October 16, 1999
Today was our homecoming football game. I really don't know why I mentioned that, it really doesn't have anything to do with what I plan to write about, but her, I am so sparadic, that it might come up. I really don't know what to write about...Nothing major is happening around here, I have not had any controvercial thoughts recently, and no one has sent me any requests. I have a club meeting tonight. A group of freshmen males and I have formed what we call "The Gentleman's Club". It is basically a time where we can all get together and discuss whatever we feel like, without worrying what the others think. It is really good stress relief. Most people think that we are a bunch of chauvanists, because a majority of the group smokes cigars or pipes during these meetings, but that is not what the meetings are really about. We get together, to for the duration of the meeting, forget about outside worries. That is why I go. Sure cigars are a part of it, but that is not what defines the group. I can honstly say that if it were not for these meetings, I would not have taken the time to get to know most of these people. So these meeting serve a much larger purpose then just sampling some of the finest cigars; they are a chance to reach out to all corners of the campus, and to draw in people from every chapter of life. Until next time, take care.
Thursday, October 21, 1999
Well, for starters, I am back home for the period. I will be here until sunday. Things are exactly the same. I thought that coming home would be weird. I thought that everything would be different, but it really isn't. In fact, just like normal, my mom and I just got into a fight. Just stupid things like that. Actually, I have to split now, I have a flu shot, but I will hopefully write more tonight.
Friday. October 22, 1999
Hey there peoples, I am sitting in my high school library. Oh how I dislike these walls, and all the memories that they bring up. My mom was working i the library today, so I decided to come and and to visit with her, as well as all my high school friends. I saw them all, I think. The freshmen this year seem so small, and so plentiful. I graduated with a class of 150, but I have heard that there are upwards of 270 of the little goblins running around now. Oh well, I am gone, I just feel bad for this years seniors...well, not really. I wonder if the seniors at Grove City view me in the same way that I view the freshmen here, so little and innocent. I hope not. I really don't know what to say (surprise, surprise) I am here, at home, away from the places which I have grown accustom to. I miss GC. There is so much of a family atmosphere there. Not that I am not enjoying being home, with my biological family, it is just...different. Oh well, I believe that this computer is in demand, yet another thing which I am not used to, so I have to run. To everybody out there who takes the time to read this, thank you, and take care of yourselves (if there are any of you). Bubye
Monday, October 25, 1999
I am sorry, but again I do not have the time to write. Everything seems to be bearing down RIGHT NOW! I have so much to do that I realy want to just say screw it all, and to go sit by the creek and relax, but stupid ethics are preventing me from doing that. This week should be the worst, but hopefully things will calm down next week. Take care everybody.
Friday, October 29, 1999
Imagine this; there is a man on the moon with a powerful telescope. He is watching you on earth. You know he is out there, so you wave to him. You then go inside, and eat dinner. As you are clearing the dishes, the man on the moon sees you wave. Since light is not instantaneous, there was a considerable delay from the time that you waved, to the time that he saw it. Now imagine this; you have a ship by your house, that through a perpetual energy cycle of fusion and fission, could travel faster then the speed of light. You stand outside, wave, and then hop in this ship and fly to the moon. You land, say hi to the man, and then look through the telescope. Just as you get your eye to it, you see yourself waving. This is all possible in theory. Now, is witnessing yourself waving, time travel? Picture the same ship. You travel away from the earth at speeds much greater then the speed of light. You catch up to the light traveling away from the earth…you see yourself learning to walk….you see yourself being born….the civil war….the storming of the Bastille…all of history is there for you to witness. Theoretically this is all very possible. So to all of you history buffs out there, imaging being able to witness your favorite historical event; firsthand! I am not sure why I decided to write this, but it is just something to be curious about. More outlandish theory to come in future entries.
Monday, November 1, 1999
Hello all. I am not sure where this entry is going to head, it is just that my mind has been packed full of thoughts recently. Unfortunately, my mind is my own worst enemy, so this thinking spree has led me into an extremely meloncholy mood. I need a break. I know that I was just home two weeks ago, but that is not what I mean. College, has become a reality, and as always I long for a break from such a place as reality. There has been proposed around a group of friends, a weekend, or even weekday trip to Niagara Falls, Canada. That is exactly what I need. To go up there, see the sights, shop the outlets, and most importantly, to escape from the reality of college. Work has been piling up, and I am trying to step up to meet the demands. I spent approxamately 10 hours on physics, spilling over from yesterday night, to the wee hours of this morning. I have been working on a Civilizations paper, calculus project, and chemistry homework and labs. I need a break. To you out there (you know who you are) I really hope that this will go through. "Talking to you is like a breath of fresh air" and I could use a couple mouthfuls of that. Just to escape, and to talk about whatever I want to, knowing that no matter what I say, you will not judge me. While, obviousally, we do not really know each other too well, time can and will hopefully change that. You know things about me, without me having to say them. I have good vibes about you, as I have said it. So, please don't feel like I am pushing, but lets just say I am not going to ignore the possibility of this happening. Oh well, reality awaits me, in the land of chemistry. I will try to write more soon, when I feel like I can put my thoughts into words, I will, but until then, adieu.
Later Monday NightOk, I am back at the computer again. I just went out and had a relaxation period, before I start my work again. And me being the procrastinator I am, I decided to type a few more words first. I really don't know why I am, I don't have anything monumental to say really, I just am not looking forewards to work. So, how are you all? I feel like an egotist always talking about myself and my life, What is going on in all of your lives? Honestly, I would love it if i would get a periodical email about the sight. That would mean that somebody besides myself actually reads this thing. Oh well, no offence, but you guys and gals are not really the reason I am writing this. It is more of a personal thing, where I have the oppertunity to get stuff off my chest. Even though I am not going to get anything really personal out (it is the internet after all) I can just talk to a blank screen which is often the best listener. Lately, I think that I have been in the preliminary steps of going insane. I have been thinking, and thinking, and at times I am so deep in thought that I lose contact with what is going on around me. Is this right? Or am I going crazy? I fear the latter. Bubye y'all.
Still later Monday NightI know that technicaly it is tomorrow (12:43), but I just wanted to tack this on. I am so stressed the I can SCREAM!!!!!
Goodnight
Monday, November 2, 1999Remember the SAT's? Of course, to you college students, these are a dreaded thing of the past, and to anyone younger, these are but another test in the future that will shape the course of your life. Remember the part; Duck is to Water as Deer is to ???? and the correct answer would be something to the effects of "woods". Remember those? Well, I have a new one, Nature is to Circle as College is to ??????. And to anyone in college, the answer is obviousally "Rollercoaster". I really don't know why I took such a long lead in to what I am going to talk about, but hey, I am bored. College is a rollercoaster in many aspects. In respects to the workload, one week you will be bombarded with 3 tests, 2 labs and 4 papers, and the next week you will have jack to do. College is like a rollercoaster in ways outside of work though. For me, the social aspect has been a nonstop cycle of highs and lows. One week I am on top of the world; "I am good enough, I am smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me" and then the next day, literally overnight, I am all alone. It is weird. Seemingly, it is not by anything I have done. I guess it is just that one week, people are bored, so I get to chill with them, and all is cool, and then the next, everyone has work to do, so I am out of the picture. Those times are the worst. I sit in front of the computer, going through another cycle of work and free time. Work a little, play a game, work some more, type another entry. It just doesn't stop. One of the things that I thought about when I came to college, obviousally was about the fairer sex. I knew that I was not ready for a relationship, even though I wanted one, but I knew that I didn't want any feelings I developed to go unsaid, for fear that it would be too late once I was ready for the hookup. I dunno why I threw that in there, it is really too personal of a matter to elaborate upon here, much less get into examples. I dunno, it was just on my mind, and hey, that is what these entries are about. I discovered something about myself in the last week; ever since I got here I felt as if I needed a relationship, I wanted the comfort of knowing that someone cared about me. But with that feeling still there, I knew that it would be unhealthy to get into one. I did not want to get into a relationship besause I needed one, that would only lead to pain. But this past week, I realized that I have been comfortable on my own. I have wandered the campus by myself, and have been fine in mine own company. It is a weird realization that I am ready. Obviousally I am not going to force anything, but I know that if the oppertunity presents it's self, I am not going to turn it down because I am not ready. Again, I don't know why I wrote this, but hey, again it is something that is on my mind. Oh well, the power just went out here, so I am going to go reset the clocks, bubye.
Wednesday, November 3, 1999>
Well, I will start this entry with the fact that my timing sucks. Evidentally, because it took me too long to realize what I was feeling, I missed an oppertunity. That really bites. On to the non-personal stuff (sorta). I HATE MATHEMATICA!!!!! To all calculus students at GC out there, I know that the mere mention of this program, strikes fear in your mind. Mathematica is the creation of an incredibly bored, computer programmer who though it might be fun to turn math into syntax. For those who don't know of this diabolical invention, mathematica is a program which allows mathematical equations to be solved quickly. Sounds simple enough; the part i didn't mention there was the incredible complexities that are involved in getting the program to function properly. If a single comma, or space is off, the screen explodes into a series of blue error messages. And another great thing about mathematica is that there is a bug in the program. So there will be times when you have the code exactly right, the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed, and yet the program does not register it as so, and it gives you the dreaded beep followed by the errors. Stupid, stupid program. My only hope is that those of you who have never heard of this program, don't ever again. You wanna know something else? It really sucks that my timing sucks. Just thought that I might throw that in. bubye
Saturday, November 6, 1999
Ok now...It is saturday night, and I am sitting ehre at my computer. Is that sad or what? There is nothing for me to do. Basically, here your choices are either do as I do, or have a life and get together with some girl for a while to talk. And since I am not a member of the society that is able to do the latter, here I am. Basically, my life is here at my desk. This is where i spend a majority of my hours awake. I have everything I need within reach. I have stuff to drink, munchies, the phone, the remote, and the keyboard. It is nice. Even when humans are not willing to listen, or to do anything, the keyboard and screen have yet to fail me. They are a good listener. Between them I am able to pretend that I am not lonely. I have all the friends I need, that is, i have myself. And I should be content with that, right? I mean, the whole reason I am not popular is because I don't want to be, right? I mean, I could be popular, it is just that...I am not. You see, here at my desk, I can create whatever world I want. I can make up my ideal place, and live in it while I am sitting here. Here at my desk, I am the coolest one around; I am the only one around, but that is not the point. I am my own master. Here, I do not have to try to be liked, everone I can see all ready likes me. Unlike reality, I enjoy my desk. Oh well, enough of my little sob story, I am going to go, well, I am not leaving for I have nothing to do, but I am going to stop working on this pathetic entry. Bubye.
Tuesday, November 30, 1999
Hello peoples, after quite a long hiatus in entries, I am back. Sorry if anyone actually cared about what I have to say, but to a majority of the population, you never noticed so...yeah. I am here again at school. I just got off a weeks vacation over thanksgiving break. It was fun, I was able to see a few people from high school, so that was good. I hope that everybody elses break went well. That you were able to enjoy your time at home without rekindling the homesick feeling upon return. And now we are back to our respective places. Time to stick our noses to the grindstone. Finals are approaching, much more rapidly then we care to admit to. Like a dark cloud upon the horizon, the final storm if steadily approaching. Oh well, while they are imminent, we have time to prepare.
Finals aside, I hope everybody's life is going well. That is the only problem with this sight, that unless you email me, I am unable to hear how you are doing. You can see (somewhat) what is happening here with me, but I am unable to return that. Heck, I cannot even tell if
anyone reads this at all... Oh well, it is probably my loss. So lets see, this being my site, and my entry, I should write about what is on my mind i guess. I had an idea. I wanted to add a page to my sight with other peoples works. So if anyone has a peom that they would let me put on here, please send it to me, and if i deem it worthy (lol) I will put it on my sight. And dont worry, I will not try to take credit for it, the real author will be duely noted. So please send me something, and, yeah.
What else is going on here? Lets see. Thanksgiving went well, got to see family and eat turkey. Yeppers, that is new. Hmmm, oh yeah, a really, really, really good friend of mine (she probably knows me better then anyone else) has some exciting things happening. She will be leaving at the beginning of the summer for Ireland! She will spend time there and in Australia. While it will be awesome for her to get away, and to see the world, it means that I wont get to see her for quite a while, as it 3-4 years...sorta sucks for me. I can picture the conversation when she gets back. She will be able to go on and on about all the exciting places she has been, and everything she has experienced, and then i will be able to say; "Yup, I have been in school...yup." But still I look foreward to that. She is awesome, and deserves this trip more then anyone I know. I admit there is some jealousy. I at times have almost done as she has. I have been so close to buying a one way plane ticket to Europe, and just screwing everything here. But I have not had the balls to actually go through with it. I would love to do that, to drop everything, and to just follow my dreams. Ultimately, my dream is to, after my medical training, go to the Philipeans, and to live there for a year or so. Living as the locals do, eating what they eat, wearing what they wear. It sounds weird and masochistic, but I want to suffer as they do. They live life day to day, because each new day brings a new struggle to survive. I want to live like that. I want to suffer, and to help out in any way I can. To be thrust out of my comfort zone, and into an unfamiliar setting. Yes, someday I will hopefully do that, but for now I am here in school. I have to remind myself that I will be able to contribute more to the future if I get proper medical training now. Then again, that is what I am thinking now. In a month, I could have a completely new set of dreams. I could want to be a space monkey, or maybe a cowgirl. Who knows. God has a plan for us that he reveals to us day by day. I might have said that in a previous entry, but there are times that I have to remind myself of that. I have a habit of getting myself to worked up over the future. I have to remember that all I have control over is the here and now. Really, the future does not scare me. There is only one possibility for the future that does strike fear in my mind. I am scared of being alone. While on the short term, I have come to terms with it, the thought of spending the rest of my life alone makes me panic. When I think about that, I unfortunately let it affect my life now. I try to force relationships or friendships, and that is never a good thing. So, if anyone who reads this is one of the victims of my little panic attacks, I apologize. Please try to understand that I have no greater fear then of being alone, and unfortunately that (at times) affects my sctions in the present. God has a plan for me. I have to trust in that. And I know that he will not have me be alone. I love kids too much. I will be a father someday, and mark my words, I will be a darn good one. Kind of a random sidetrack there, but hey, if you have read any of my other entries, you should be used to them by now.
Wow, I just realized how long this entry has gotten. Also, the fact that it is 4:34 in the morning doesn't help. I am going to bed tomorrow, and will continue this stream of thought in my tomorrow's entry. Goddnight everybody, and sweet dreams.
Thursday, December 2, 1999
Ok, another day, another random subject to start off with; Snow, such a simple thing, a flake of frozen water, but snow has the ability to bring about phenominal changes in a persons world. For example, think of how an eskimo's life would change if all the snow suddenly dissapeared...And in that respect, think of how unpopular Jamaica would become if it became a frozen tundra...See what I mean? Also, people either like snow, or they don't, it is as simple as that. I for one, really enjoy the snow. When there is snow on the ground you can ski, both downhill and cross country, you can sled, make snowmen, have snowball fights, make snowangels, snow wrestle, eat snow...you name it, snow can do it. I wonder how much snow they get here in Grove City? I know that at my home, it was not uncommen to get a foot or two overnight. I hope that happens here. I want to have a snowday, if colleges have snowdays at all. I wonder... Oh well, I am not going to fret about it, we are entering my favorite month of the year here, so I am not going to worry myself about the season. Snow will come on its own time. Snow is cool like that. I really like snow. Now essays on the other hand, I do not like. All essays are, are the stubborn regurgitation of information your mind has absorbed in the past. And I mean stubborn. They do not want to come out. And then when I do get the essay out on paper, even if it is really, really, fantastically good, the teacher will probably be so anal, that he will give me a bad grade. Dontcha just hate that? Oh well, that is enough random rambling for tonight. Oh, by the way, to anyone i may have confused with this entry, I did not just randomly pick the topic. I asked two friends what to write about, and they first said snow, and then essays. So thanks Meghan, thanks Becky. I luv you two. Bubye folks...that's a wrap.
Friday, December 3, 1999
Ok, I am sitting here at a friends computer, and in a room with a bunch of people. They are all watching a really stupid movie, and I am not. It is really really dumb. Has anyone seen Tommy Boy? Ok now, Sheakspeare. It was a subject given to me to write about. Shaekspeare is much better then this movie. I would much rather watch a movie by Sheakspeare, then this (obviousally). I would rather watch Shaekspeares worst movie ever, the one that people call "boring" and "sleep-worthy". Well, I call this movie stupid, and imbicile. I am going to try to get out of this now, so I am going to leave (I hope). Bubye for now.
Thursday, December 9, 1999
College, I know this place is a learning institution, and it's pramary function is the education of it's students, but where is the fun? I have heard that college is supposed to be the time of your life. I am waiting for that part to happen. I guess that once I fond the right group, things will be better, but those people have yet to come along in my life. I guess, that it sounds bad, but I have never had a group. I have tried some, but have yet to find one in which I can really be myself. Here at college I hope to change that. Even if it means running with a frat, I would do it just to have the chance to be part of a group. Here at Grove City, a majority of the groups are so...Groverish, that I cannot be myself with them. I want a group that I can say what I want to, and do what I want to without being looked down upon, and considered immoral, and a bad person. I cannot wait to find such a group. I have been meeting people, one by one, that I could me myself with, but they for the most part already have their group, and I am not the type to barge in on a group. If an opening comes up, I will jump at the chance to enter into a group, but I cannot just place myself in their presence, and expect an opening to be made for me. Oh well, something will come up eventually, something has to come up or I will be legally insane before the end of my freshman year. It is a gorgeous night out tonight, so I am going to take advantage of that, and go wander the campus. Being the month of december, probably not too many more of these nights will present themselves, so I have to enjoy it while it is here. Take care everybody, and get off my damn sight! I am sure that you have much more important things to be doing then to be reading about my piddly little life. Remember, I should be at the bottom of the prioriy list. Bubye.
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