claire had gotten a haircut short short short she looks like a pixie with her pale skin and big brown eyes and choppy 'madrian cherry' hair and skinniness, but she likes it. me and claire and schrewe and lauren were sick of seeing all of the yellow SLUH dance posters all over the school (looked like they were invading, plastered over walls scattered on poles taped to lockers) so we took down all of the flyers on the first floor and covered the Pepsi machiene with them so that it was nothing but a big golden shrine to SLUH but at least now all of the annoyances were in one place (why didn't we just throw them out?). kate found a flyer from my play 'The man who came to dinner' and she cut out the picture of brendan and extolled it and then asked passer-bys if the guy in the picture was hot... what if someone said no? claire and schrew were angrey at kate for doing that , "don't become obsessed with someone else's boyfrined!" but kate wanted to put the picture in her planner, i gave her scissors and paste to do it... why? i thought she was harmless.

brendan came over after school i was mad because my brother tom didn't come home early enough to drive me to Blockbuster to rent 'the nitemare before christmas' which brendan hadn't seen as of yet. but brendan didn't mind he hadn't come to see the movie he came to see me. tom came home and he went out and rented 'nitemare' but not before my sister and mum came home. tom was back soon enough so brendan and i were on the couch watching it and tom was on the computer behind us. we only kissed twice but as we were my dad came home he saw us and he got this horrified look on his face as though someone had just stained his favorite shirt with iceplant juice.

we left for one-act auditions at five fourty five even though brendan wasn't trying out he still drove me good thing too because auditions were in room two o three verses two thirty one and i probably wouldv'e never found it had he not been there. i sat down filled out the audition application writing 'YES!' for 'Am i willing to change my hair color for a part?' then we all got a little scene to read with a partner then we did improv then paul and brian and noah made cuts. i wasn't cut. we got more things to read where i was God i read it in front of mr. karcher and paul and brian and noah and brendan. i read too fast i thought and so to cheer me up on the way home brendan played steven lynch on the player. but i was still sad about something. i know not what. which just made me all the madder. it was as if my techtonic plates had suddenly shifted. i felt unhinged. and so brendan and i talked until my parents' headlights flashed in the front windshield. i went inside then after kissing his damp forehead, and my parents sat down at the kitchen table motioned me to sit at the empty table filled with tension so thick i couldn;'t see their faces. words heavy like cold rocks forming in my stomach till i could hardly stand it anymore. i wanted to vomit up the despair seeping into my veins pumping through my entire existance. i felt as though i was back at auditions, reading the lines off of cold white paper. Brendan doesn't love me, no. Yes, we'll break up once he goes to college. Of course, the boy means nothing to me, nothing. then i excused myself and went downstairs and sat at the computer, trying to feel nothing.

end