The Offering

© Dark Angel. 

Chapter Two: Disclosure.

She just wanted it to be over; for the Warlord to sleep or knock her into unconsciousness again, anything if it would make the pain go away. It had been going on for candle marks, her 'Master' barely taking time to swill the whiskey she had brought to the room. Prodding and teasing which ever entrance her leather rod didn't command before she would pierce her again, rutting out a seemingly unquenchable appetite. Her greater mass thumped and ground itself against Gabrielle's bound frame with enough energy to power an entire regiment driven by Ares' poison. Never ending, never breaking the rhythm of darkness for even a blink to give respite. Death seemed so sweet. Each time Gabrielle sensed the shorter gasps and spasms tear at her rapist's body she prayed it would be the last.

Momentarily spent, the dark figure would slump forward, a dead weight, hot breath heaving. Full breasts dripping with sweat. Tendrils of thick raven cutting her as they whisked across beaten flesh and she would think, hope the silent plea had been answered. Then nipples that had been rubbed so furiously on her would harden once more, hands that had come to rest would start to pinch at skin and it would all start again.

Earlier, perhaps after the second time she'd entered her, the Warlord had disrobed from the waist up, displaying a toned battle-hardened form that moved majestically in the soft candle light. She had turned Gabrielle over to watch dark cloth be drawn off muscular shoulders, her own offering she claimed, before depositing the billowy sleeved garment close to avoiding eyes. It stayed there throughout what would transpire between them then, retrieved and used to sop up the pools of perspiration shimmering across the Warlord's own body. Once to clean the phallus of Gabrielle's first anal bleed before refilling her vagina. It had been pressed to the fullness of pouting lips, a sensually unconscious motion before being released again in a pile beside her. It had been one of the moments, Gabrielle would swear she was loving rather brutalizing her. Now no such care was taken and a thick stench of dry blood hung in the air as a reminder that this was not loving, not at all.

Just before dawn she had been released from her bindings to pay homage to the real center of 'Her Lord'. She thought it was really over as she knelt between powerful legs, thought perhaps the gods had taken pity on her....

It was fleeting.

She had smiled down at her seductively, eyes dancing with new spark, beaconing her back to lay beneath her once more. To serve how she was told she served best.

"Show your Lord how you please her."

Gabrielle wanted to be sick, she could barely stand, let alone walk. Had she not done all she had been asked, had she not done it without struggle now, indeed almost cooperation? Disbelieving her shame could bring her lower, Gabrielle's reserve fell to nothing then and cries of pleading, held tight all night came gushing out with no hope of restraint.

Gabrielle's eyes flew open though she remained trapped deep in the nightmare's web. She sat up and, sobbing heavily, took in deep gulps of air to catch her breath. Apparently free from the restraints she threw the coverings back, reaching to feel the blood she was certain would be between her legs. Realization registered that she was free and she moved her broken and bleeding frame as quickly as possible away from the dark figure leaning over her.

Xena had stirred immediately beside her lover, thrust from the comfort of a dreamless rest into a cold night filled with harrowing cries. Rising to her knees, the Warrior scanned the proximity of their camp for the unseen danger, reflexes pricked and eyes struggled to focus against a cloak of sleep. A long sword was drawn from the protection of it's scabbard and pressed battle ready between two outstretched arms.

Slowly her vision cleared and she could see the image before her.

Gabrielle was crouched just beyond the fire's light, shivering against the night's temperatures. Her body rocked back and forth as incoherent ranting spilled from trembling lips. It was the sound of a cornered animal whimpering.

Xena didn't know exactly what was going on but she could guess. She'd never wanted to go there in her own thoughts, too angered by Gabrielle's shame or her own. But she knew it wasn't just any bad dream the bard was having, it was the dream. She was dreaming of the rape. Of course Gabrielle didn't call it that and Xena had never said the words to anyone other than herself. But she'd been a Warlord for 10 years, had seen the signs, had been the cause of those signs on too many occasions to recall.

Xena re-sheathed her weapon and rose to her feet. With a gnawing feeling pulling at her gut, she approached the huddled and twitching figure of her lover. Not quite touching but making her presence known she lent towards her.

"Gabrielle, it's me." she whispered reassuringly. Needing to believe if anyone could make the younger woman feel safe in the midst of unmentionable horrors she was experiencing, it was her.

"Please no more, I hurt so bad." Gabrielle flinched, reeling her body back away from the looming figure without actually leaving the spot she appeared anchored to. An internal struggle tore at her as she battled the urge to flee while knowing there was no where to escape the Warlord's hands. Then pitifully, the contorted movements stopped and she was on her knees again, her hands held together in a stance like prayer.

"I beg you, let me pleasure you with my mouth."

"Gabrielle?"

The girl continued to sob, cowering in her presence.

"Talk to me, love. What's going on?"

Blue green eyes gazed upward, but vacant and unresponsive it passed right through Xena's own questioning expression. She could only watch as Gabrielle lowered her head to the space between them. Young lips brushed over invisible boots and moved up the Warrior's thigh.

"I'll do better this time. Please don't hurt me there anymore!"

Fear snaked it's way up the raven beauty's spine. Somehow this dream was different from the others. Gabrielle should have woken up by now, she wasn't just remembering the torment, she was reliving it. From deep in the recesses of Xena's subconscious a light went on briefly then flickered out.

"Gabrielle, you're dreaming, wake up now." Not knowing what else to do Xena pressed an unsteady hand down to stop the clearly sexual gesture from going any further.

"I promise, it'll be better." Gabrielle pleaded.

She couldn't see her lover's beautiful fingers reaching out to stroke her head, or feel the gentle touch of resistance. She could only see a drunken Warlord barely managing to keep her balance with her pants about her feet. Gabrielle's arms wrapped themselves around torte muscles of the Warlord's buttocks.

"Oh please, my Lord." she murmured as her lips leaned forward.

The fabric of time was left gaping as Xena's mind reeled for a crucial moment. That moment was no more than an instant yet it stripped away her armor and reached back into the depths of another life she had lived. The division between denial and truth fell away as Xena's past reached up and grabbed her by the throat.

She had captured the Warlord's interest and in return she had taken her, used her time and time again in the most sadistic of ways.

'God's no!'

Gabrielle wasn't speaking to a faceless, nameless savage, not a long dead degenerate, nor someone Xena could track down and make pay for their sins. She was speaking to her.

The realization was like something unto death, a final strike into her soul. All the restraint built up over the years, the emotions kept in check, all the penance for her past deeds came thundering down around her as the ultimate treachery of her existence stared back through Gabrielle's unseeing eyes.

Unable any longer to support her own weight, the invincible Warrior Princess, once Destroyer of Nations, collapsed into the dirt before her.

With her lover's much smaller hands nestled protectively between her own to stop the girl from performing an act she had no awareness of, Xena's heart shot from within her and pierced the night sky, shattering with the agony of every last one of her victims. It was grief incandescence that came scorching upon her flesh, tearing at her, each sinew, each muscle forcing her to succumb to her crimes. It felt like she was being ripped apart and if she just let herself go her body would fracture into infinity.

'Please, let this not be true. I will give you anything, anything! Gladly my life in exchange for hers.' She didn't know who she was talking to, bargaining with. Ares, possibly The Fates, anyone who was willing to listen to her pleas.

If she lived another fifty winters she could never repay the debt. There had been so many, so many unnamed faces, girls and women she had forced against their will, who she had raped, pushed up against tavern walls or in blood strewn battle fields and discarded, killed sometimes if they hadn't completely satisfied her warrior lust. But to know that she had added her life mate to that list, to have brutalized her as she had the others, without thought or compassion, without care whether she would have survived it or not. It was too much to bare.

When Gabrielle finally awoke to find them both on their knees, away from the fire and the first hints of daylight on the rise, her beloved's face was almost unrecognizable. Bereft of color and covered with immeasurable tears, Xena looked like she had seen a ghost. Her eyes were red instead of their usual brilliant blue and shoulders, always so proud, were hunched in defeat. Finally she let herself follow the down-turned gaze of the Warrior to the younger hands still resting in her lap. Her own.

There was no point denying what had taken place, no point pretending it had been some kind of a mistake. In the place between darkness and light, between sleep and awake, she had told her lover all that needed to be told. The tormentor of her dreams, the robber of her innocence was her own sweet Xena. Gabrielle weeped an uncontrollable lament like nothing she had experienced before.

It was too late, they couldn't go back.

For so long she had lived with the false knowledge of success, so much so that she had started to believe it herself. Their travels had taken them so far and they had encountered countless mortals and immortals, good and evil, but Gabrielle; bard of Poteidia had never met the Warlord again. Sure sometimes Gabrielle sensed her, or at least her specter circling the outside of their camp. She would catch the briefest glimpse before her life's mate would excuse herself to check the 'perimeter'. Some times it wasn't even that obvious, just a look or a sigh.....something illusory. A glint or a whisper on the breezes.

The last time Gabrielle recalled sensing Xena; the Warlord was just after they had encountered the Horde.

She had immersed herself into a single minded haze to be able to lead a band of forsaken troops against them. After the month long battle that had left both of them emotionally sapped, they'd managed to return to relative known territory and Xena set them up in the best inn their money could afford. They stayed a week so that Gabrielle could recover from the whole ordeal and enjoy the spoils of shopping in a larger market square. But the bard knew that the colorful well populated city also meant the opportunity for Xena to rid herself of an ache that she knew instinctively would be clawing at the pit of her stomach. Not willing to trust herself in her heightened state of battle lust, she had kept her young lover at a safe distance long after the war had been won.

She'd tried not to cry the first night Xena had left her, feigning the need to take Argo on a long ride alone. She had kissed the top of her shorter lover's sun dyed hair, hardly allowing their bodies to touch while ensuring the bard she would be home before sun rise. They didn't need to touch, Gabrielle could feel the heat rising off the warrior's skin as she barely managed to contain herself. She knew too that Xena was lying to her, no matter what the reason. The greatest hurt was on this occasion she also knew why. She told herself the other times were different; they hadn't been mated then, she saw no right to object to whom Xena chose to bed. Now it just insulted her, drove her mad with the knowing.

It had never been discussed. Like her own violation several winters before, it was something each chose to carry in silence. And yet each day since then Gabrielle realized she carried two kinds of grief - her loss of innocence and the guilt that even after all the Warlord had done to her, all that they had endured together Xena - her Xena -would never truly allow her to see her in her entirety. Then the dreams had returned with a vengeance and she grew increasingly unable to suppress the bitterness.

Gabrielle swallowed hard and took in a deep breath to regain her composure. She had been sitting watching the clouds building up over head for more than a candle mark. A storm was approaching but she didn't care if the Heaven's themselves came down on her. The landscape around them was whitening with each flake of snow. If she could bring herself to, she knew she probably should get up and put a cloak on, but that too meant crossing the precipice before her.

"I never wanted you to know." she said finally. It came out sounding brittle, almost childishly defiant, not at all what she wanted to say.

Xena sat slumped in the bundle of furs at the opposite side of the camp site. For a long time she had not looked anywhere in her lover's direction, maintaining a glazed stare off into the distance as slowly the cuirass around her emotions locked back into place. But Gabrielle's words had slowed the painstaking process considerably. She stared at the seemingly untouched features of her lover in amazement. In the little time that allowed since the harrowing disclosure and the gut wrenching realization of her past misdeeds had come to light, nothing she could have predicted prepared her for the emptiness in the younger woman's tone.

"Is that all you can say?" she managed before her voice cracked.

"What else do you want me to say?" Gabrielle responded softly, attempting to make it sound a little more gentle, a way of reaching across the invisible gap that had risen up between them. The bard rose finally, moving closer to poke at the dyeing embers of their fire, still choosing to stay on the oppisite side to the warrior.

"A lot, Gabrielle, I want you to say a lot. Like why you let me think......" She trailed off, either too ashamed or too furious to continue. "All this time, you kept that, that .... from me. Oh I've known what happened to you all along, but you never wanted to talk about it, never gave me the slightest hint that........"

And then it was as if she had lost her train of thought or she'd succumbed to the reality of this walking nightmare. "What are you doing?" She demanded after a couple of moments of more frigid silence from the bard who continued to move about the fire.

"Making breakfast." The young woman's body had not stopped even when she had finally moved close enough to communicate clearly with her. Gabrielle moved with the conviction but in her heart they were simply tasks that would allow her the dignity to move forward, away from the darkness that threatened to sweep them up. She would force herself to perform the rituals that had started their days and hopefully somehow it would bring some kind of answer, some new way that would permit them to go on together.

"We need to talk Gabrielle. You can't just get up from," Xena waved briefly at the spot at the edge of their camp where Gabrielle had regained consciousness. "........and act like nothing's happened. I won't let you!"

"What happened," Gabrielle said slowly. "Didn't happen last night." She returned to the water she'd set to boil, keeping her body moving against the words risking to betray her. "It happened almost five winters past. Whether we talk about it before we have our morning meal, or after really won't change any of it."

When Xena made no effort to take the cup she was offered, Gabrielle sighed inwardly and set it down on the rocks at the edge of the fire. With little effort she found a half empty wine skin under one of the saddle bags. So far her plan to keep moving on with her day was failing miserably.

Throwing the wine skin into Xena's lap, Gabrielle strode past on her way to attend Argo. It wasn't usually her responsibility to to care for the animal but her patience was growing thin. Anything that kept her moving, she thought aimlessly. She looked back briefly to see the beautiful warrior, seemingly unmoved by the aggressive gesture, struggle briefly with the cork holding the liquid secure in the skin, then tilt her head slightly to fill her mouth with its warmth. Gabrielle fought back a fresh stream of her own tears. She was angry but she wasn't sure who with; herself for her stupid stupid dreams, or at Xena for acting like the young bard's secret had mortally betrayed them. 'You've got your own secrets Princess, remember.' she scolded her lover in her mind. 'How about we talk about them?'

With Argo moved to a new patch of grass, Gabrielle finally dressed herself in one of the cloaks they kept buried at the bottom of Xena's saddle bags. Pulling it about herself tightly she sat down on the very edge of their bedding, facing her lover one more time.

"You should have told me." Xena demanded, her voice straining against the rising winds and her own remorse.

"It was a long time ago. What difference would it have made to talk about it?" Gabrielle offered weakly.

"I needed to know. Don't you think I needed to know?"

"No!" anger pushed it's way back into her voice, the answer so quick and definite that the warrior appeared at a loss of how to proceed. "Don't you see, what would have been the point to tell you? It wouldn't, I mean it doesn't change anything."

"Gabrielle. It changes everything."

"No, no, no."Gabrielle covered her ears. "You're wrong. If it changes anything then it's in your mind, Xena, not in mine. Just let it be, talking won't change it. Don't do this to us now after all this time, after all the love we've created."

"What am I doing, Gabrielle? You're the one who has lied to me for four full turn of the seasons."

The silence descended again, screaming emptiness with neither willing to move beyond their own self absorption.

Xena's eyes moved between studying her partner, trying to find answers to the thousands of questions running through her mind and watching the storm clouds above them. She swigged away at the wine skin until it was empty. She was stalling, hope to find a way to do what she knew she must. It could destroy her, rip her heart out but she was certain the alternative would destroy Gabrielle. Explanations, if there was going to be any, would have to wait, at least for the moment. Something more pressing and immediate needed to be dealt with.

"We need to find shelter." she announced finally, wiping the remains of the wine skin's contents from her lips. It took Gabrielle a few moments to realize her lover was speaking to her again.

"How far to the next village?" she stammered.

"Too far, we won't make it by the time the storm hits. " Dragging her boots on, the warrior stood towing down at her lover. She looked and sounded like Xena, but Gabrielle sensed the authoritative air she projected only served to shroud deeper thoughts she was considering. "We need to go back to the farm house we passed yesterday." She began dismantling their make shift site.

Gabrielle recalled the ramshackle structures they passed before stopping the previous night. A long-deserted farm house, barn and a large storage safe set just off the main path had promised a welcome respite from the road, but she had not managed to convince Xena that it would be a good place to stay the night. The ex-warlord had grumbled, Gabrielle thought a little too forcefully, that just because it looked deserted didn't mean it didn't belong to someone. Gabrielle had teased her lover unmercifully that what she really meant was she was still feeling edgy about their very recent encounter with Hope and her offspring. The dilapidated buildings had struck them both as remarkably similar to the layout of her own parents property in considerable disrepair and that sent shivers up the normally unshakable warrior's spine.

"All right, Xena. Whatever you think." Gabrielle responded evenly.

They gathered their belongings and smothered the fire as quickly as possible, moving about each other like strangers . Xena's words were few but courteous. It made Gabrielle feel like she was talking to a pleasant but distant stranger. When they were finally packed up and ready to leave, Xena mounted Argo and did what Gabrielle believed would have been one of the last things she wanted to.

Extending a hand the Warrior Princess lent down and reached for her, "We need to beat the weather." she said simply and forced a smile. Gabrielle stared at the beautiful features against the backdrop of green and white. She hesitated for just a moment as the image of a heavier cloak and another less loving smile fleeted across her mind. 'Gone', she thought 'but never really forgotten.' Then with little time to spare, she took the outstretched hand and allowed it to pull her upward.

They moved back over the familiar territory. Both now robed in their winter cloaks. Gabrielle took advantage of the restricted space to press against her lovers back, needing the connection even if Xena felt she did not. They could survive this, but only if Xena could forgive herself.

The distance seem to drag out forever as the Warrior guided them through the falling snow. Lightening flashed off in the mountains. Argo's footing was becoming increasingly unsteady. By the time what was visible of the sun had risen above their heads they were walking to save the horse from a fatal stumble. Lunch was brief and consisted of a portion of stores they already carried. It too was shared in steely reticence.

When they finally arrived at their destination, Xena spent what remained of the workable light clearing the small cottage of fallen tree branches that had collapsed half the roof and repairing it to a habitable state. Gabrielle, who had become increasingly unable to deal with her lover's sullen disposition, sorted their food supply and dry wood. What verbal exchanges there were between them remained brief and tinged with bitterness. By nightfall, they were still working to secure the buildings enough to keep them and Argo protected from the weather. Both were exhausted yet kept moving against the others uncompanionable silence.

When Xena disappeared to brush down and install Argo for the night, Gabrielle located the water source. They hadn't spoken to each other for well over a candle mark when the Warrior finally came indoors covered from head to toe in the thick white sleet that had been falling non stop since just after lunch. Gabrielle couldn't help but think how beautiful her lover looked dressed in the woolen full length cape. Her noble features framed in the dark fabric, sent a mixture of deep sadness and arousal over the younger woman's body. The image of the Warlord and her black draping wings flashed through Gabrielle's mind and she had to shake herself free of it once more. The Warlord was long gone and all that faced her now was a remorseful woman bent on making them both pay for the sins of her past.

"How bad do you think it will be?" asked Gabrielle referring the approaching storm.

"Bad." came the single syllable answer. The warrior undid her cape and threw it easily over the back of the kitchen chair with the other items of clothing Gabrielle had placed there to dry. While she had been searching for their water supply the young bard had come upon a healthy supply of wood, allowing her to discard the collection of half wet twigs and still green branches she had been making do with. A fire now blazed steadily against the far wall aiding the limited supply of candle light. Gabrielle wanted to tell her partner to get out of the boots she knew would be soaked through to her skin but stopped herself, fearing it would only be read as an intrusion into the dark woman's self erected solitude.

Xena sat down on one of the sturdier looking chairs. Spreading her legs sufficiently wide, she placed her sword hilt down and began her nightly ritual of sharpening its blade. For a time it was the only sound other than the ones coming from the torrential winds outside that could be heard. Gabrielle prepared half a rabbit Xena had snared into a soup and added a healthy portion of the vegetables she'd collected early, content to hear the familiar strokes filling the night. If they couldn't talk, she would settle for the sounds that were just as much a part of the warrior as her voice.

Carrying the pot with care she passed by the brooding woman to get her nutritional if not necessarily inspiring concoction simmering near the fire. Just as she had placed the pot on the cooking frame above the flames, the wind rocketed against the building outside and blew out one of the few candle points they'd been able to find. Placing her sword down hastily at her feet, Xena rose to secure the gap in the building materials to prevent further gusts turning their shelter to semi darkness. Then, the task complete, she returned to the methodical process of sharpen her weapon. Gabrielle's feelings which had fluctuated throughout the day from stony indifference to absolute infuriation with her partner, registered high on the infuriation scale once more. She loved the ex-warlord with all of her being but the events of the previous night and day had sapped what patience she had for Xena's tall, dark and stubborn persona.

With an exasperated sigh she left her partner with her own thoughts and went into the only other room in the house. A small windowless space not much wider than a typical outhouse offered at least moderate comfort for two weary travelers. It had not sustained any damage from the roof cave-in but still looked like it hadn't been inhabited for several moons. Dust lay heavy over the large pallet which served as a bed. The only other furniture was a bench and a lantern left hooked near the door. Under different circumstances she may have even found the compact arrangement romantic and pressed Xena to come take a look. But not this night, she realised. At least they'd be warm. Before returning to check on dinner she set about beating what remained of the pallet covering against the sturdy looking bench top and lay their bedrolls out across it to increase the thickness.

Dinner was eaten in not unexpected silence, both women pushing the quite tasty meal about their plates with little enthusiasm. When the warrior simply pushed her weight away from the table without hardly touching the food and returned to sharpening her weapon, Gabrielle told herself enough was enough. She cleared the remnants of the meal away and faced her sulking lover with fresh determination. The anger which she'd managed for the most part to keep at bay during the day had returned and there was no way in the known world that could rest tonight with it still pricking at her ribs.

"Okay, Xena." she told her. "You may be able to function with the fury of Ares on your shoulder, but I can't."

Xena continued to pull the sharpening stone along the ridge of her blade. From the corner of a lowered gaze she could see smaller, more delicate hands planted firmly on belted hips, knuckles whitening from pressure as the candle burned. She knew Gabrielle was angry and that there was no question that she had her reasons but nothing she could say could change the Warrior's mind about what she had to do. Gabrielle would thank her eventually she told herself.

"Yes I should have told you, no I had no right to let you think it was someone else. Yes it's important, no I can't make it go away either. Yes I love you, I always have."

The sound of metal against stone had ceased but Xena's face remained fixed on her blade. Gabrielle could see the partial reflection of bronzed hands as it turned slightly towards her. She stayed silent for a long time before she spoke again.

"It all happened so long ago, a life time away. None of what happened can be changed. I don't want your pity and I don't want your repentance." Then the muscles wrapped firmly around the mirrored object seemed to tense and before Xena realized what had happened, Gabrielle had placed her smaller hand over her own, preventing the sharpening stone from moving. "Stop it." She told her flatly, drawing back a little from the now stock-still hand. "Stop what your doing and listen to me. You wanted to talk; lets talk."

Xena placed her sword back in its scabbard and returned to her seat by the fire, unable to look at Gabrielle she stared deeply into the flames. "What happened to you was, is unforgivable." she said finally.

"It.......it........didn't change how I felt about you when I saw you again, how I feel about you now." Gabrielle offered.

"Don't you see Gabrielle, I would never have allowed you to follow me, I would never have allowed myself to fall in love with you......I.... I would never approached you if I had known." she told her in unsteady tones. "Never asked you."

The words allowed, allowed thundered in the younger woman's head, the whole conversation was totally out of control.

"Asked me what?" then it dawned on her. "Why not?" Gabrielle shot back.

That did it, all the rationalizing she had had to do, all the self blame, the honest searching of what it had made of her. And Xena, Ares chosen, the mighty destroyer of nations was feeling sorry for herself!

"The fact that I had shared no others bed before you didn't seem to bother you the first time, in fact if I recall correctly, it excited you beyond natural plans."

The words, almost screams by the time she had finished stung harder than any whip as they flew across the room. Gabrielle saw her life mate jolt back with the force of it, but she could find no pity in heart for her then. Had their lives together been reduced to that? Was that all that hung between them. She would not allow it, it could not be. Free now from her own prison of silence, she would say what she would and the Warrior Princess and the Warlord would have no argument but to listen.

"Is this what I am to you? All that I am? You're angry at me for not saying you had me before. So you'll excuse me now, Warrior Princess if I'm not just a little insulted that it bothered you I HAD the first time we made love. Tell me really what bothered you the most? The fact that you did it to me, or that you can't remember how good it had been to do it in the first place?"

This had to end here. The ex-warlord did not speak, only rose heavily in her boots, pulling her body tight to pass the much smaller woman blocking her path. She thought she could have stayed till morning, made sure Gabrielle was all right. But she couldn't bear it - she had to get away. Without looking back, Xena grabbed the two saddle bags and started sorting the contents from one to the other.

"What are you doing?"

"Separating our belongings, there's no saying how long I'll be gone with the storm, you may need every bit of your clothing for warmth."

Gabrielle stared at her lover's chiseled features. There was no emotion there, only the stony blockade she could call up at a snap of her fingers. It was her Warlord face, her stranger face, one used when she needed to get herself out of trouble. It foretold deception and ruthless single-minded determination.

"Xena its snowing outside, where do you think you're going?"

Gabrielle moved a little closer, though still well out of arms reach.

"You're not coming back are you?"

The warrior stopped what she was doing for a moment, apparently about to say something before changing her mind.

"Why are you doing this, Xena, why are you doing this to us?"

Xena restuffed a handful of clothes back into her saddle bag and fastened the catch.

"There can't be any us, not anymore, Gabrielle."

She couldn't take anymore of this, she'd tried everything reasonable. Why had she thought she would listen to her? Love, she told herself lamely. Because she hoped against hope that Xena would try to see this as more than just another reason to repent for her sins. Didn't she realize that every time she denied herself, every time she pushed the feelings down she was denying her too?

Now it was like she had nothing to lose. Gabrielle threw herself at the taller body with all her strength, slapping and punching at her in her rage, driving each blow while her lover stood solid and unwavering. Xena made no attempt to defend herself or retaliate. The younger woman was screaming incoherently now, tears rolling one after another as the image before her blurred into a mass of confusion and despair.

"I won't let you go!" But the words remained unanswered even as Xena finally lifted an arm to shield a closed fist propelling towards her jaw. Her eyes stayed locked on the smaller woman, expressionless.

"I can't stay."

"WHY can't you stay?"

"I can't be trusted around you. I,... don't you realize, those feelings that made me do what I did to you all those years ago.....They're still in me. I spend every waking moment keeping them at bay....." Then almost as a dismissive after thought she added. "You'll need provisions, I'll bring some back for you."

"NO!" Gabrielle doubled her attack on the woman who'd become a stranger to her. "Your not going for provisions. I know where you're going. If you come back it'll be after. After you've paid some whore to give you what you won't ask of me."

She was sobbing against the leathered chest, still pounding hopelessly at the taller woman to end this foolishness. Xena's hands hovered behind her, unsure whether she should embrace her or let the sorrow be. She so desperately wanted to touch her, if only for one more moment. Would the pain never end? When would she learn that her past would never bring anything but pain?

Gabrielle had ceased her furor of strikes against her and moved to another tact, attempting to melt the emotional shielding of her lover with wanting kisses and needful hands. Their love making over recent weeks had stilled to an almost fearful touch from the somber Warrior, she knew the Warlord was close at hand, if she couldn't have her mate, her soul mate, she would call for the beast. Anything was better than the emptiness that Xena walking through the door would bring.

"I can help you feel anything you need to feel Xena, you know that. You know I please you. Don't think that this has to be the end for us."

Gabrielle wrapped her hands around her lovers neck, coaxing her to lean into her desperate kisses. Stroking her broad shoulders, her hands moved to cup gently at one of Xena's breasts.

"I can be anything you want me to be. Anything."

Xena's hands had finally come to rest on the smaller contained shoulders and was holding her lover stiffly away from her. Gabrielle continued to touch and stroke her warriors body, ignoring the apparent resistance, trying to entice her with her voice and hands. She reached lower to her waste band, pressing an open palm into her belly.

"I can feel you're heart beat, Princess. It tells me you need me. You need this, DON'T GO!"

Gabrielle's hand reached under the leather skirt and up to the thin cotton layer that hid the Xena's patch of ebony. But before she could reach her mark, her wrist had been stopped and wrenched away. Not content to release the offending limb once it was clearly no more threat, Xena stretched it high above her young lovers head. With her free hand she grabbed a thick handful of Gabrielle's blond tresses and pulled them back hard.

For a moment, they were locked in the stance. Then Xena released the the arm and let her hair fall free. Gabrielle watched, stunned, as Xena turned away, brittle but determined to collect the saddle bag she'd repacked.

"No!"

In an instant, she had thrown it over her shoulder and was turning away from her, turning her back on them. Through her tears, Gabrielle lunged her full weight forward towards her beautiful Warrior again, claiming a clay pot from a shelf at as she went. Without thought or care, she propelled the object to the place where she thought it would do most damage, the base of Xena's neck.

"You're a coward. Warrior Princess." Gabrielle screamed. "A shadow of the master that you were!" The pot struck it's mark and she watched, riveted, as Xena's head snapped forwards.

The crockery shattered on impact forcing the taller woman to stumble a little closer towards the door. Silence rung out alarmingly as Gabrielle stood holding one small slither of the assault weapon. Her heart thumped around her ears as the full force of what she had done hit her. Xena turned, apparently unscathed.

Shapes and colors ran into themselves then as the Warrior came at her, eyes dark, Xena pushed back, forcing Gabrielle against the hard surface of the table top, pinning her there with her own weight. One fierce hand held flaying arms away as the other tore at her top to expose milky nipple. But the hand didn't stay there long - only enough to free the luscious symbols of her womanly form for her black vision. Quickly, she was up under her skirt and separating the hem of her underwear before Gabrielle could register the action. She entered her without resistance, gloating at the thick heady warmth that greeted her. Then suddenly the struggling hands were free and caressing her face, kissing her gently, coaxing Xena to move with the rhythm her heart was dictating. And she stopped. Gabrielle lay there motionless, Xena's fingers still fully inside her. Stunned eye's met the limp body laying passively beneath her.

"Is this what you want, Gabrielle?"

The warrior roared backing away repulsed.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?"

Then before she could protest, the cabin lighting had been snuffed down to just the shadows thrown by the fire. Xena had fled, leaving the door swinging in her wake.

Gabrielle lay across the table top for a long time after she left, her body a mix of arousal and nausea. Bitterly she fought the threat of tears rising within her. But it was a futile game she was playing then and she had no ability to fight anymore. Numbly she rose to shut out the freezing winds. As she leaned her weight against the door, knowing she was locking Xena out, she sobbed furiously to her absent lover.

"Yes, Xena. It's what I really want."