by Matt Barnes
Beavis and Butt-Head are channel surfing at home and catch the last few minutes of Phantasm II where Reggie sets the Perigord mausoleum on fire.
Beavis: Yes! Yes! Fire! Fire! FIRE!!
Butt-Head: Uh, Beavis. You aren’t supposed to say that anymore, remember?
Beavis: Oh yeah
Butt-Head: That, like, gave me an idea. Let’s, uh, go to the cemetery and stuff. Uh huh huh huh!
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Then we can set it on FIRE! Mm heh hmm hmm!
Butt-Head: Uh, yeah! That’d be pretty cool. Huh huh huh
Beavis and Butt-Head walk down the sidewalk toward Highland Cemetery. Stuart Stevenson sees the dimwitted duo and wants to hang out with them.
Stuart: Hi guys, what are you doing?
Butt-Head: Uh, we’re like going to the cemetery and stuff Huh huh huh.
Stuart: Wow! Can I come along too?
Beavis: Yeah, then we’re going to set it on FIRE!
Butt-Head slaps Beavis like a redheaded stepchild.
Butt-Head (whispering): Beavis, you dumb ass. Don’t tell Stuart that, then he’ll, like, want to come along.
Beavis: Oh yeah Sorry about that. Mmm hmm hmm heh hmm.
Stuart: Oh, I don’t know, you guys. We can get in a lot of trouble
Butt-Head: Well go home if you don’t like it.
Beavis: Yeah, go home, Stuart. I think your mom is, like, calling you or something Mmm hmm heh heh hmm
Butt-Head: I wonder what she’s calling him for Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah, really. Hmmm hmmm heh hmm heh hmm.
Stuart: Come on, you guys. Let me hang out with you. We can have fun.
Beavis: Yeah, come on, Butt-Head. We can, like, push him down into a hole in the graveyard or something. Hmm heh heh mmm hmm.
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh. Hole
They arrive at the mausoleum in Highland. When Stuart takes a peek in one of the rooms, Beavis and Butt-Head ditch him.
Butt-Head: Faster, Beavis. Before Stuart sees us Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: Mmmm heh heh hmm heh hmm
In the distance, they hear Stuart screaming from the top of his lungs!
Beavis: What’s he crying about? Hmm heh heh hmm.
Butt-Head: Uh, I bet he, life, looked in the mirror and stuff. Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah, what a dork!
Butt-Head: It takes one to know one, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: Um, yeah I think you’re right, Butt-Head. Hmm hmm heh hmm.
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh. Dumb ass
Beavis and Butt-Head enter a room with an embalming machine and several corpses. Beavis looks at the embalming machine and the yellow reanimation fluid inside its vat.
Beavis: Hey Butt-Head, what is this thing?
Butt-Head: Uh, I think it’s a toilet or something.
Beavis: Oh good. I really need to take a dump. Hmm heh heh hmm.
Butt-Head: Huh huh huh.
Beavis: It looks like someone forgot to flush it. Hmm heh hmm. That’s cool.
Butt-Head: Yeah, it looks like someone really had to take a leak. Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: Um hmm hmm heh hmm. Drain their lizard
Butt-Head: Tap a kidney Huh huh huh.
Beavis climbs on the table and urinates in the embalming vat containing the yellow reanimation fluid.
Beavis: Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. Ahhhh!
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis then defecates in the urine-contaminated vat.
Butt-Head: Uh!! What are you doing now, Beavis?!
Beavis: I’m pinching a loaf. Hmm heh hmm hmm. Poop.
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh. Pinching a loaf Huh huh huh.
Beavis: Ah! That’s better So, like, how do you flush this thing anyway?
Butt-Head looks at the power switch of the embalming machine and turns it on. The wide-bore needle connected to the machine begins to fill a corpse with the contaminated embalming fluid.
Butt-Head: Uh, I think this is it.
As Beavis watches the flithy embalming fluid drain from the vat, Butt-Head finds a female corpse and pretends to be a vampire.
Butt-Head (Dracula voice): You are a beautiful woman Can you resist the power of Count Butt-Head?
When Butt-Head leans over to kiss her neck, Beavis pulls her arm and stuffs her hand in his pants.
Beavis: Ahhhh! Yeah, that’s it, baby Feel my ‘nads!
Butt-Head (normal voice): Damn it, Beavis! Go find your own woman and keep your ‘nads to yourself, ass goblin!
Beavis: No way, Butt-Head.
Butt-Head: Beavis! Don’t make me smack you
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah I like to see you try it.
Butt-Head slaps Beavis upside the head, and Beavis answers with a smart kick to the groin! As Butt-Head slowly regains his composure, they continue the fight outside of the room. Just as they leave, the corpse being embalmed swells to grotesque proportions, and its eyeballs pop out of their sockets, spraying stinky, brown fluid everywhere! In the midst of the fight, a flying sphere attacks Beavis and lodges itself into his forehead!
Beavis: AHHHHHH!!! Get off of me! OW!!
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh huh! You said, Get off
Beavis: Mmmm heh hmm hmm. Oh yeah. OW!! Come on Butt-Head, get this thing off me!
Butt-Head: Uh, okay.
Butt-Head yanks the sphere out of Beavis’s head and watches the drill sprout out of it.
Butt-Head: Whoa! Check it out!
Beavis: What is that thing?
Butt-Head: Uh, I don’t know.
Beavis: Let’s break it! Break it! Break it!!
Butt-Head: No way, Beavis. This thing’s pretty cool. We can, like, drill holes and stuff with it.
Beavis: Wow, really? That’s pretty cool. Let’s go SCREW something! Hmm heh heh hmm!
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh. Screw
Beavis and Butt-Head walk down the hall and find a large statue of a naked man on a pedestal. They walk behind it, incessantly laughing as they stare at its butt.
Beavis: Hey Butt-Head, where’s the bunghole on this statue? Hmmm mm hmm heh hmm. Bung-hoooooollle
Butt-Head: Yeah. Uh huh huh huh. He can’t even take a crap Uh huh huh huh!
Beavis: Yeah. Hmm hmm heh mmm heh!
Butt-Head shoves the sphere up the statue’s butt.
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh. I’m making a hole in his BUTT
Beavis: Mmmm heh hmm hmm heh heh heh hmm hmm!
Butt-Head then etches the names of some of his favorite bands in the mausoleum walls. As he etches Slayer, a dwarf suddenly appears! It’s Stuart, and he looks really angry.
Stuart: Hey, why did you guys ditch me back there and leave me for dead?
Butt-Head: Uh
Beavis: Um
Butt-Head drops the sphere, which flies into Stuart’s skull and drains out his yellow blood all over the hallway.
Butt-Head: Whoa! That was cool!
Beavis: Yeah, that kicked ass! What’s that yellow crap?
Butt-Head: Uh, I think it’s mustard or something. Hey Beavis, I’ll give you a quarter if you taste it.
Beavis: No way!
Butt-Head: Come on Beavis, don’t be a wuss.
Beavis: Well you taste it then!
Butt-Head: Uh, I’m not hungry right now.
Beavis: I’ll, like, give you a dollar if you eat some. Hmm heh heh hmm heh.
Butt-Head: Beavis, you don’t have a dollar, lying wuss!
Beavis: Shut up, butthole! Don’t make me cave your ‘nads in again!
Butt-Head: Go on with your bad self, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh. Asswipe
Beavis and Butt-Head wander into a white room containing the dimensional fork to the dwarven planet. Beavis looks intently at the two metal poles of the dimensional fork.
Beavis: Check it out, Butt-Head. They have a parking space inside the room!
Butt-Head: That must be pretty cool to drive in here and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah! We should, like, take Mr. Anderson’s truck and drive it in here.
Butt-Head: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Beavis: Yeah, um, thanks.
Butt-Head examines the stack of black barrels along the walls and can see a dwarf stirring inside each one.
Butt-Head: Whoa! They got test-tube babies in there!
Beavis: Test-tube babies? Cool! Um hmm heh heh.
After Beavis looks inside the barrel, Butt-Head says, Hey Beavis, do you want to see a bouncing baby? He then kicks the stack of barrels and creates a gigantic mess. As they laugh long and hard, some of the barrels roll into the dimensional fork and literally vanish from sight!
Butt-Head: That was cool Uh huh huh huh!
Beavis: Yeah! Umm hmm heh heh hmm.
Beavis goes to the two metal poles and sticks his hand between them.
Beavis: Ahhh! My hand is missing!
He pulls his arm away from the poles and notices his missing hand is still intact. Beavis then sticks his head inside the dimensional fork and suddenly sees a new world before him! A world with crimson skies and dwarf creatures in a long single-file line. Beavis pulls his head back out.
Beavis: Butt-Head! You got to stick your head in here. Something really cool happens!
Butt-Head: Uh, okay.
Butt-Head briefly puts his head in the dimensional fork and sees the strange, new realm.
Butt-Head: Whoa! That ruled!
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Told you!
Butt-Head: Hey Beavis, check this out Uh huh huh huh.
Butt-Head pulls down his pants and sticks his butt inside the dimensional fork. From the other side, the dwarves can see an ugly butt in the sky releasing a cloud of noxious fumes. Meanwhile, the two morons are laughing up a storm until the Tall Man appears!
Tall Man: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYSSS!!!
Beavis & Butt-Head: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Tall Man: You play a good game, boys, but the game is finished. Now you die
Beavis: No way! I’ll kick your wrinkly old ‘nads in!
The Tall Man grabs Beavis and throws him against the wall, rendering Beavis unconscious!
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh. Beavis, you ass! You let an old dude kick your ass?
The Tall Man exercises the same move on Butt-Head with similar results. When the perverted pair regain consciousness, they find themselves at home on their heavily-soiled sofa.
Beavis: Hey Butt-Head, I had, like, the screwiest dream
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh huh. Screw
Beavis: I had a dream where you and me were in the cemetery and did a bunch of really cool stuff until an old dude kicked our asses.
Butt-Head: Whoa! I had the same dream! That’s pretty cool
Beavis: Yeah, um, do we have any more nachos from last night? I’m hungry.
Butt-Head digs in the sofa cushions and finds a tray half-full of nachos. Of course, he fails to notice the large cockroach that runs out of the tray. As they eat nachos, some yellow fluid from Beavis’s head trickles into the nachos and his eyes suddenly have a metallic luster.
Beavis: Mmmm. These nachos are good!
Butt-Head: Yeah, these are some damn fine nachos.
Beavis: Where’s the remote? I want to watch TV.
Butt-Head: Uh, okay
Butt-Heads finds the remote (covered with nacho cheese) and turns on the television. One channel plays the last few minutes of Phantasm II, where Reggie torches the mausoleum. Does this sense of déjà vu scare Beavis and Butt-Head?
Beavis: Yes! Fire! Fire! Fire!
Butt-Head: Uh, Beavis. You can’t say that, remember?
Beavis: Damn!
Butt-Head: That movie, like, gave me an idea, though. Let’s go to Highland Cemetery and, uh, break stuff!
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Then we can set it on fire! You always come up with the best ideas, Butt-Head.
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh. You said, come. Uh huh huh huh huh!
Beavis: Yeah. Hmm heh heh hmm heh heh!
THE END???
