Gord and the speculative telephone ventureThe year was 1892, I think. That was when young Gordon Ulysses Macdonald (BoYo to his friends) gave up his newspaper job to work in a start-up speculative venture called Num-dash-bers, one of a growing number of companies trying to cash in on the new telephone technology.
"I have seen the future!" shouted Gordon standing on top of his desk at his last day in the mail room of the Daily Tribune.
"Print is dead! Long live the electron!"Don’t waste your time with dead-tree media," he continued, "the future is paperless communication like radio – and more importantly – the telephone."
Gord lowered his voice and looked conspirately around. "I decided to go with the new telephone technologies," he said, "because radio transmitters are much too bulky to ever be practical at home or in the office."
"But Gord," protested a fellow mail-room employee, "surely the telegraph is better situated than the telephone! Think of all that infrastructure already along the rail lines."
Gord gave the poor sod a condescending look.
"Ever hear of canals?" he asked. He raised his one eyebrow. "No? Allow me to educate you."
Gord jumped off the desk and launched into an oratorial exposition of the history of canals. I can’t remember all the details, but it was obvious he had done a lot of reading about the subject. Any time someone tried to say something Gord would dismiss them before they could even start with a wave of his hand and speak a little louder.
He moved about the room, gesturing, pointing, and looking everyone in the eye. I felt numb, and I could see everyone else in the room was being persuaded by the forceful delivery and his Mesmer-like ways.
"Telephones are the future!" Gord suddenly shouted, waking everyone out of their trance. He held both hands up in the air.
"One day there will be a telephone in every living room, perhaps right next to the radio to start, but soon houses will be built with special rooms called The Telephone Room. It will be furnished with a desk, notepaper, and that marvel of engineering and science, the centre of future life – the telephone.
"People will spend their entire day on the phone – getting weather reports, the latest news from Europe, whatever is their fancy.
"Sports? How would you like to know if the Black Sox have won the game within hours of its happening? Or betting. Bet on the track from the comfort of your own home! You name it, it will all be done over the telephone!
"No more having to pick up stale, day-old news," Gord continued waving yesterday’s edition of the Daily Tribune in front of him. "All edited by some schmuck who only cares about fitting it into its allotted column space! Newspapers are finished!" He threw the paper to the floor.
"But surely books…" someone dared to intervene.
"Hear them read to you!" shouted Gord.
"Imagine this: it’s evening, the day is done. Rather than ruin your eyes straining to read small type by the uneven and imperfect light of a kerosene flame, why not lean back in your leather chair, pipe in one hand, as you listen to some one telling you a story of your choice. Mysteries, novels, titillating romances – told to you personally! The possibilities are endless!"
"And groceries! No more spending the whole afternoon skulking about the dry goods store trying to find everything you need. No! Call ahead and place your order, COD. Only stores that are equipped to handle the New Economy will survive." Gord waved his finger with menace, "Businesses will have to change. No more person to person contact. Speaking skills will be what’s important!"
"So what is this company you’ll be working for?" asked someone in the back.
"Well," said Gord, "in this New Economy where everything depends on the telephone, the people who control the numbers that are dialled will be the ones who will become rich. And how do you know which number to dial for dry goods, and which number for betting at the track?
"That’s where Num-dash-bers comes in. They recognized the potential years ago, as soon as the switchboard was invented, and bought the rights to some of the most useful and easy-to-remember numbers from the International Committee of Telephony. Numbers like 111-1111 and 222-3344.
"Now that telephones are really taking off – I heard that there are over 30 in our fair city alone – the time is right to develop these numbers into companies that can then be sold at enormous profits in the future.
"For example we own the rights to the number 123-4568. Part of my job will be to develop ‘content’ for this phone number. It’s going to about women’s make-up. Women will memorize the number, not difficult is it, and then call, I don’t know, once a month or something, to see what the latest tint of rouge is in fashion in Paris or London and when it will be available here."
"But how will that make you rich?" asked Little Jimmy. He wiped his nose.
Gord faltered a bit.
"Well, there is no real business paradigm here yet," he said. "Remember the New Economy is in its infancy. But we’re working on a number of promising models – for example manufacturers may pay to have their product mentioned. Or maybe the user will pay a small fee to find out this important information."
Little Jimmy did not look convinced.
Gord was about to launch into a new tirade when the foreman came in. We all went quickly back to work except Gord who was pulled out of the room by the ear to be thrashed within an inch of his life for causing trouble.
For a poorly written response to this allegorical tale, click here.
