Memories I Never Had

Author: PhileyX 
E-Mail: phileyxback@yahoo.com 
Web-site: https://www.angelfire.com/id/phileyx 
Rating: PG
Category: MS UST
Spoilers: Demons, Millennium
Disclaimer: Just borrowing them….
Author's note: 

<<Write me a story called "Memories I never had" and use the phrase "You do know that you don't know what you're talking about and we all know it don't you?" in it.>> This one is for you, Little Chilly Beanie! The story may not be totally original, getting some of my ideas from spoiler episodes mentioned above and my past fanfic. But I had fun writing it. 

XXXXXXXXXX
Memories I never had

I wake up, smiling. Why? Because I'm a man in love. And it's bonus that I'm in love with Dana Katherine Scully. What more could a man ask for in a woman? Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate and loyal. God, I don't deserve her! Sighing wistfully, I get out of bed and head for the shower. 

The hot water destroys all remaining remnants of my slumber. The soap lathers well over my skin. And the scent of her shampoo brings her to my thoughts again. It's hers, kept in my bathroom for emergencies, just like the other feminine accessories that fill my medicine cabinet. Well at least they were for emergencies until we became lovers.

I replace the bottle from where I took it and made a mental note to buy her another on the way back from work today. The last time she found it empty, she was pissed. And my hair smelling like fresh golden sunflowers did not help to enforce my claims that I had nothing to do with it.

By the time I was dressed and ready, I was late. No time for breakfast. No matter, Scully would have something for me. As always I could depend on her. With that thought in mind, I drive like a maniac to the Bureau, eager to be with her.

She's wearing her glasses! Oh, I could watch her for hours in that thing. Unfortunately she seems to sense my presence and looks up. My lips twist seductively and she raises an eyebrow, bewildered. "What?" She finally asks.

"Did I ever tell you how sexy you look with your glasses on?" I tell her slyly.

The other eyebrow slowly rises. "Ummm.... good morning to you too, Mulder."

Little Miss Prim and Proper, always discreet, even when there's only two of us. I shake my head, keeping my eyes on her while sauntering to my seat. "Fine, Scully. Have it your way."

She gives me an odd look and opens her mouth to say something. But at the last moment, she changes her mind. Instead, she returns her attention to her laptop.

On my desk was a box of pastries. I smile and take a piece, stuffing it into my mouth, enjoying the freshness of the croissant. "Thanks Scully."

She answers without looking at me. "Yeah, but you're buying lunch."

"I'll buy dinner too." I answer, teasing. "Heck, I'll even make you breakfast in bed if you stay over tonight."

She frowns but still refuses to look away from her screen. "Mulder, give me one good reason why I should spend a night at your place when I don't have to?"

"Just one?" I grin and my voice drops. "I can think of a number of explicit reasons."

Her brow twitches and she looks at me as a mother would a cheeky child. Getting her message loud and clear, I sigh and begin concentrating on my list of activities for the day. One of which included kissing my prude partner. And I spent the next half an hour, wondering how and where that could be done without getting myself shot.

My brainstorming session was rudely interrupted by a phone call. I picked it up. It was the Gunmen and as usual, what they had to say brought me to my feet instantly. "Right. We'll be there in ten minutes."

"We'll be where in ten minutes?" My partner asks, watching me replace the receiver suspiciously.

"The Gunmen's lair."

"Mulder, we're on the clock."

"This is an X-file, I assure you."

She studies my face for a moment before relenting. "All right but this better be good."

"Trust me, honey." Her head snaps up to glare at me and I groan inside. Boy, she's taking this no-romance-in-the-office thing seriously, isn't she? "Oh come on, Scully. Lighten up!"

Still disconcerted, she silently follows me out.

XXXXXXXXXX

She knocks impatiently on the door while biting her inner lip in deep concentration. I cannot help myself and lean closer, taking a deep breath of her perfume. She seems to notice it and takes a small step away from me. 

I feel insulted. Why is she so intent on keeping her distance from me? I ask her. "What's wrong?"

She looks at me uncomfortably and shrugs. "Nothing's wrong."

"Why are you pushing me away?"

"I'm not." She denies and mutters. "Why are you getting so close?"

Before I can react to her words, the last lock finally unlatches and the door opens. "Mulder. Agent Scully, as always, a pleasure." Frohike drawls and waves his hand, motioning us to enter.

We walk in. My partner is careful to not bump into me through their messy cramped quarters. Her awkwardness is unsettling and I find myself getting irritated.

"So Mulder, how did it go?"

I look at Frohike blankly. "How did what go?"

"Dr. Frankenstein's treatment?"

I still have no idea what he was talking about. "What?"

Byers looks up when we enter the den. "Good morning, Agents."

"Morning Byers. Langly." Scully greets them both.

Langly smiles. "Agent Mulder, how did the brain zap go?"

I am absolutely dumbfounded. "Huh?"

"Didn't you go for it?" Byers persists.

My partner looks at me expectantly. "Mulder?"

I look at the four faces in front of me and blink. "I don't know what you guys are talking about."

Langly grins. "So you didn't go for it. Glad you took our advice G-man."

"For once." Byers mutters under his breath.

"Who's Dr. Frankenstein?" Scully asks for me.

"Dr. Henry Kendall, a psychologist known for his rather bizarre methods. Do you remember a Dr. Charles Goldstein? The guy that tried to trigger Mulder's childhood memories?"

"Yeah he used a drug, Ketamine."

"Yeah, that one. It turned out that Goldstein and Kendall shared their early years as a team before going their separate ways. While Goldstein developed on a treatment with Ketamine and light pulses, Kendall worked on a different procedure. Mulder wanted to meet him, despite our protests, so we hooked him up. He had an appointment with him last Saturday afternoon."

Oh right. It was coming back to me now. I was at the Gunmen's place last Friday and discussed Kendall with them. But as far as I can remember, I spent the whole weekend at Scully's, doing what normal couples do on their days off.

She turns to me with a threatening glare. "Mulder you didn't go for it, did you?"

I stare at her for a while, a little confused. Was she asking me just to keep up appearances or did she really think I somehow snuck out to meet this quack? Slowly, I shake my head in answer to her question.

"The good doctor has more up his sleeve than a magician, Mulder." Byers interrupts the tense air. "We dug out some of his old records, the doctor has been sued twice for malpractice. Both cases were dropped a couple of days later. Both complete with a letter of apology and even a notice in the press."

"Like magic." I mutter, thoughtfully.

"But what's this got to do with an X-file?" My grounded partner warns me to make a connection before she loses her temper.

"Cassendra Spender underwent a treatment under Dr Kendall." I explain.

Her endearing eyebrow is up again. "So?"

"So she only went public about being abducted after Kendall's treatment. And because of the bad publicity, he refused to treat her again."

"So?" She asks again.

"So..." I softly divulge the correlation. "……what if Kendall gave her those memories? And she wasn't the only one. A number of alien abductees had him on their list of physicians as well."

"What do you mean, gave her those memories?"

"What if Kendall put those memories in her head?"

She gives me a look that I am all too familiar with. "Like brainwashing?"

Frohike steps in to give me a hand. "We figure if Goldstein and Kendall based their ideas on the same theories, then whatever memories he brings to surface may not even be real. It's why we weren't so hot with the idea of Mulder going in alone."

Scully looks at me suspiciously as Byers continues with the latest information. "And we called you here because we found proof of Henry Kendall's involvement in a military exercise. But he was removed a month later."

"Are you implying that Henry Kendall has been brain-washing people into believing things that the government want them to believe?" My partner asks tersely.

"I think that that was the plan." I answer her quietly. "Unfortunately, it wasn't how Kendall's treatment worked. Like Goldstein's treatment, they must have found that they could not force their perfect cover stories onto the subjects. Both Goldstein and Kendall's methods made their patients believe in ideas from their own respective bank of memories, fantasies or fears.

And if Cassandra Spender's memories aren't true, she wouldn't be an X-file, would she? How many other X-files are just a figment of pure imagination, products of Kendall's magical show? We get a list of names and we might be able to close a couple of unsolved cases."

"Mulder even if we get a warrant, we can't access Kendall's files. It would be a violation of doctor-patient confidentially."

"If we can prove that Henry Kendall's practice is mind altering and dangerous, we would be given the authority, wouldn't we?"

She frowns. "Well if we could prove that, we certainly would be taken under serious consideration."

"So the question remains, how do we do that?"

XXXXXXXXXX

We are alone in the car. And it was about time. "So what's going on, Scully?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"You're the one acting as if I did something wrong."

She shakes her head in frustration. "Mulder let's just stick to the case, okay? Why didn't you tell me about Henry Kendall?"

Why was she changing the subject? My temper is slowly rising. "Scully…."

"You asked the guys to fix you an appointment and yet, you didn't go for it? I don't buy that, Mulder. It's not like you."

"Well, I thought it would spoil the weekend so I changed my mind." I drawl impatiently before muttering under my breath. "It's certainly ruining my Monday…."

"So you didn't go for it?" She persists.

Incredulous, I almost shouted back. "How could I have met him without you knowing?"

A choked half laugh escapes her. "Since when have I ever controlled you from doing anything you put your mind to, Mulder? In the first place, you never tell me anything!"

Great, we were getting into the ditching argument again. A fight I thoroughly detested because I was always to blame. "Scully, let's not start this. Just trust me, I didn't go to see him, okay?"

She sighs and reluctantly drops the matter. "Fine."

"Fine." I repeat and roll my eyes. Whoever said relationships tend to turn stale after a while obviously haven't met us. Scully and I have issues that would probably last us decades. Much too annoyed to talk, the journey back to the office was in silence.

XXXXXXXXXX

Two hours and one expense report later, I glance at her across the room and my anger mysteriously vanishes. Perhaps I had time to cool down, to realize that our bickering was petty and ridiculous. Perhaps it was because she had her glasses on.

She rises from her seat to replace a file in a filing cabinet nearby. She then reaches for a pile of old documents placed high on top of it, tip-toeing delicately on the tips of her pumps. But to no avail, it's still beyond her grasp. I smile.

"Need a hand?" I ask softly.

She freezes in her quest and her heels return to the ground with as much dignity as they could possibly muster. Wisely not waiting for a reply, I walk to her as she turns to face me. She moves to walk pass me but I stoically stand my ground.

She clears her throat. "Mulder, I'm in your way."

"No you're not." I tell her and move forward, forcing her against the metal cabinet.

"Mul…" Her protest dies when my whole body presses against hers. Wide blue eyes stare into my intense gaze. Her face shows astonishment but I didn't care. I was tired of discretion. I was tired of following the rules, her rules. Rules that she made up but broke whenever she felt like it. For once, I wanted the privilege of living on the edge. Besides being the basement, we never get any visitors. Well, usually.

I gather the files needed above her head. "There. I got it."

She frowns slightly, not understanding. My mouth twists into a smile, childishly happy that I managed to distract her from the point of this whole exercise. Of course, getting the file wasn't my point of the exercise but she didn't need to know that.

Her forehead clears after a couple of seconds. Uh oh. Quickly I soften her up. "I'm sorry, Scully."

It worked... I think. Her eyebrows are up and she looks confused. "For what?" She whispers hesitantly.

"For whatever I did." I whisper back, gently moving in to touch her forehead with mine. 

I expect her to say something in effect that I was forgiven. Touch me gently and tell me to forget it. Okay, at least relax in my embrace. Unfortunately, none of the above happens. Instead, she stiffens and struggles to break free from me. "Mulder, what's wrong with you?"

Irritated, I snap at her. "There's no one here, Scully! Will you stop being so paranoid?"

"Mulder, back off!" She growls at me fiercely.

That did it. I concede to her wishes angrily. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She was incredulous. "What the hell is wrong with **me**? What the hell is wrong with **you**? You were ….." Her voice trails off for a few seconds before she continues. "You had me against the filing cabinet!"

"Oh so you remember!" I glare at her, thinking about our passionate overtime a couple of weeks ago. "The way you've been acting all day, I thought maybe I dreamt that whole thing up!"

"W..h…at?" She stutters.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Assistant Director Skinner walks into our midst. We immediately compose ourselves to deal with him. "Good morning, sir."

"Good morning, Agents." He nods at us with a tight smile. "I got a call from VCS. They need someone to perform an autopsy ASAP and wondered if I had an extra pair of hands somewhere."

I am determined not to lose Scully to a favour until I have sorted things out with her. "I'm sorry sir but we're in the middle of a case."

Taking me by surprise, Scully undermines my authority. "But it's nothing Mulder can't handle on his own. Where's the body?"

Skinner gives us both an odd look, obviously catching the tension between us. "Where else? The morgue."

"Right. Well I'm ready to go, sir." She tells him, avoiding my glare.

Our boss hesitates and looks at me. "Is this all right with you, Mulder?" 

Not trusting my voice, I just shrug nonchalantly. He looks unconvinced but doesn't comment. Instead, he nods at my partner and they both walk out of the office.

XXXXXXXXXX

I should have gone home. It's still not too late, I could still tell the cab driver to take me there but I don't. Instead I tell him to wait as I step out in front of Scully's building.

After a couple of drinks, I'm not exactly the best company in the world, much less a voice of reason to discuss the bizarre morning we had. But I was too wired up to sleep. And I needed to see her, to get some indication that our relationship wasn't just my imagination.

Five knocks later, she opens the door. "What are you doing here?"

Well at least it's a change from the usual 'Mulder, do you know what time it is?' retort. "Did I wake you?"

"No." She answers, watching me cautiously as if I was about to jump her. Hmm…. maybe I should. 

Taking a huge chance, I gently pull her waist towards me, to kiss her. After the initial surprise wears off, she melts in my arms. Her soft mouth soon opens to mine, allowing me entry. I take advantage of the concession completely. 

When we finally come up for air, I gasp for breath against her forehead. She stays quiet, her eyes closed. I wonder what she's thinking but I'm afraid to ask. Afraid of reopening the can of worms we uncovered this morning. 

So I decide to leave. I got the sign I needed and that was enough for now. Kissing her softly on the forehead, I leave without saying a word.

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, I find my partner waiting for me by the elevator. "Morning." I greet her cheerfully.

"Good morning." She answers without meeting my eyes. "Skinner wants to see us."

"Okay." I frown, standing my ground, willing her to look up. "Why?"

"I don't know." Her eyes still fixed past me.

Although unsure why she's still acting strange, I just shrug. "Let's go."

We take the elevator ride in silence but only because we weren't alone. Once we were alone again, I break the ice. "Scully, about yesterday…."

She cuts me off. "I know. You were drunk."

I blink in surprise. "No, I…."

"You had a few drinks before coming over, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did. But I wasn't drunk, Scully."

She glares at me and groans. "Mulder…."

I vehemently insist. "I wasn't!"

I almost groan aloud when once again, Skinner interrupts us from the doorway of his office "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, there you are. Get in here!"

Sighing, I follow Scully into our superior's room. Closing the door behind us, I smugly announce. "Sorry about the delay, sir. We got caught up in a lover's tiff."

Scully's eyes widen while Skinner's face contorts. "Excuse me?"

My partner quickly comes to the rescue. "What did you want to see us about, sir?"

Unfortunately for her, I have no intention to let the matter go. "Relax Scully, Skinner knows."

She looks at me, almost fearfully. "Knows about what?"

"About us." I turn to our superior to wink at him. "The bastard's already given me the if-this-gets-out-I'm-kicking-your-ass talk." 

Looking at Skinner and then at me, she sputters out. "If **what** gets out?" 

I groan. "Scully, drop the act! I told you, he knows and he's cutting us some slack. As long as we keep it discreet and it doesn't affect our work."

She throws her hands in the air and takes a step towards Skinner. "Sir, I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. There's nothing going between us."

I am incredulous. "What?" And why was Skinner looking at me as if I'm some kind of nut. Great! As if getting Scully out of denial was not enough. "Sir, tell her you know."

Before he could put in a word, she moans. "Look Mulder, this is not funny. Cut it out!"

"No! You cut it out, Scully!" I snap back. "How can you stand there and declare that there's going on nothing between us? After all we've been through…"

"But there isn't!" She grits her teeth in frustration.

"There isn't?" I take a step closer, hovering over her short stature dangerously. "Then, what do you call last night?"

It was obvious that I had hit the nail right on the head by the way her cheeks were turning bright red. "Y..ou… you … caught me off guard." She stammers.

"I caught you off guard?" My mouth twists into a tight smile. "Right. Just like I caught you off guard last weekend; in your bed, your shower, on top of your kitchen counter, your living room…."

She quickly cuts me off. "What on earth are you babbling about? I didn't see you for the whole weekend!"

Undeterred, I went back further into my memories. "How about the times at my place? Did I catch you off guard there too? Oh oh! And the time in the office …."

She looks desperate now, desperate to shut me up. "Mulder!" She hisses furiously. "You do know that you don't know what you're talking about and we all know it, don't you?"

I blink, trying my utmost best to digest her words. "Does that sentence even make sense?"

A low growl disrupts our so far private exchange of words. "Agents, please! Will someone tell me what's going on? Are you two romantically involved or not?"

I say. "Yes!" 

She says. "No!"

That's it! I give up. "All right, fine! If that's what you want, Scully, it's what you get. It's over!" And with that, I stalk out of the office. 

XXXXXXXXXX

Lying on my couch with a bottle of beer in one hand and the remote in the other, I impatiently switch channels, trying to decide on one that would soothe my rage. 121 channels and there's still nothing good on, go figure.

A soft knock on the door makes me jump. I recognize that knock, it's Scully's. As I walk towards my apartment entrance, I make a quick decision to be civil. I was right, it is Scully. She looks at me and offers a small smile. "Hi."

I'm a little taken aback. A smile? I didn't expect that. "Hi."

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah." I almost close the door behind her when I notice she didn't come alone. Damn! She brought her fan club with her. "What are you guys doing here?"

Frohike snorts softly so that my partner wouldn't hear. "Didn't your mom teach you to share, Mulder?"

"Mulder sharing Scully? In your dreams, Frohike!" Langly mutters behind him.

I roll my eyes and wait as they stumble through my doorway. Walking after them, I ask. "So to what do I owe this honour?"

My partner steps forward and holds out a brown file. "We paid Dr. Kendall's office a visit while he was out."

My eyebrows rise. "Whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentially?"

She shrugs. "Well I'm your doctor, aren't I?"

I frown. A couple of seconds pass before the full meaning of her words hit me. Looking at the file in my hand, I flip it open. It's my file! My voice reduces to a whisper. "I did go see him."

"Yeah, you did." She confirms.

"And you got brain-zapped!" Langly adds cheerfully.

I could not move. Only my face reacted, contorting in horror at the possibilities. If I went through the treatment, which of my memories are real and which are not? 

"Mulder?" She calls me from my silent reverie.

I look up at her. Suddenly, everything that happened in the past two days makes perfect sense. "Scully…" I croak. "We're not lovers, are we?"

She cringed slightly, shooting a quick look at the Gunmen. "Erm… no. Mulder, let's talk about this la…"

"Last weekend, at your place. That didn't happen?"

"No. Can we just….."

I persist, not believing that my happiness wasn't real. "We never had sex at all?"

She looks defeated. "No."

"Not even in the office?"

Wincing, she mumbles. "No."

I shake my head and moan softly. "This is not happening. I suppose even the New Year's kiss was a just a product of my imagination, huh?"

She hesitates before answering. "Actually, that one was real."

"Oh." I look at her, relieved. One kiss, at least that's something. 

The guys were rather quiet, grinning at us like idiots. Scully throws them a threatening glare. "It was the New Year." She growls.

The trio instantly nods and gushes. "Of course, New Year….."

"It's tradition!"

"Yeah, tradition. What's New Year's without a kiss?"

After a moment's pause, Byers clears his throat. "Well I think we're done here. Guys, we should go."

Scully rolls her eyes as the Gunmen head towards the door. I watch them leave and turn to face her. "You didn't tell them?"

"No, I didn't tell them what the treatment made you believe. But…." She sighs. "… as it turns out, you did."

"I'm sorry."

She shakes her head. "It's not your fault, Mulder."

"And I can't believe I embarrassed you in front of Skinner as well."

"Maybe that's a good thing."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we needed proof and you're it." She takes a step towards me. "This morning, you made Skinner a witness on how mind-altering Kendall's work is."

"That is, if Skinner believes that there's nothing going on between us." I tell her, watching her eyes carefully.

She hesitates, unsure of my meaning. "What's there to believe? There is nothing going on between us."

"That's easy for you to say." I frown and softly admit. "For me, I believe there is. They're my memories."

Her eyes narrow as realization hits her. "Mulder…" She begins.

But I cut her off quickly, not wanting to hear her apology and confirmation that whatever memories I have of us were mine and mine alone. "It's okay, Scully." I change the subject. "And are you sure you want my fantasies of you officially known?"

She hesitates. "I'm fine with it, Mulder. But as you said, they're your memories. Maybe you should decide that. I'll be satisfied if we just cleared it up with Skinner."

I grin and attempt a weak joke. "You have a thing for him, Scully?" She gives me a glare and I quickly throw her off the thought of killing me with it. "How about last night?"

It worked. She physically stiffens. "What about last night?"

"Does it go in our story?"

"I think Skinner has a vague idea after your outburst this morning."

"We might not be able to do anything about Skinner but we could get our stories straight for our prosecution against Kendall."

"Get our stories straight?"

Smiling, I tease her. "Yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong Scully, but responding to my kisses doesn't do very well for the there's-absolutely-nothing-going-on-between-us theory."

She grits her teeth and growls. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

I shrug. "Oh come on! You know my deepest desires now, can't I have a little fun?"

Looking at the floor for a couple of seconds, a small laugh soon escapes her. "You know what I can't believe about your made up memories, Mulder?"

"What?"

"That Skinner actually allows us to have a relationship while we're still partners!"

I laugh. "You know, you're right. That is kinda weird!" Looking into her eyes, I impulsively add. "In fact, it's more bizarre than the thought of us getting together."

She studies my face for a while, blushes and mutters. "Undoubtedly." 

And I smile. At that moment, it didn't matter that some of my memories may be ones that I never had. I will treasure them all. To me, they are a premonition of what is to come.

XXXXXXXXXX
End of Memories I Never Had