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Isobel |
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Okay, here’s a bit of a warning: angst-fest ahead. If you don’t like dark, angsty fics, then you may not want to read this one. Feedback welcome! Please, pretty please? Isobel A 'Ronin Warriors' story Persephone The pale rays of the early morning sun grazed his face as Sai closed his eyes. He raised his chin to drink in the warmth they offered. A breeze stirred off the lake and played with his hair, teasing his cheeks as a few errant locks blew that way. It was a lovely day. The sky was a perfect shade of pale fringed with deep blue. There weren't any clouds, but the day was still young yet. He plucked at the dewy grass beneath him. The tree, underneath which he was sitting, rustled and whispered with both wind and birdsong. It was the sort of morning that made one aware of infinite possibilities, of how precious life was. "God's in his heaven and all's right with the world," Sai spoke softly, reciting Browning's lines with a heaviness that seemed to contradict the words themselves. He lowered his face and let his gaze fall back the rippling currents of the lake. The water swelled and churned still from the rains the day before. In an odd way, it was much closer to Sai's mood than the perfect young morning painted all around him. You knew it was coming, he told himself. It's not like this is the first time. You should be used to this by now. It shouldn't...shouldn't hurt so much. It did though. God, it hurt worse now than it ever had. Sai had fled the house at dawn, long before anyone else was even stirring. He had been out of sorts for the last few days and he was fairly sure that despite his best efforts, the strain was becoming noticeable. It wasn't that he didn't love his friends or trust them. He did. It was just there were ghosts, demons of the past; he had yet to learn how to deal with. Memories that bled and ached underneath his skin until he was nearly sick. Things that left hollow, dark places inside him that he strove desperately to hide. All the could have, would have, and should haves that everyone carried. Only his stack of regrets cut deeper than most. It was his fault. He should have known. He, of all people, should have *known*. And he had been as blind as everyone else. He made a fist, ripping a batch of grass up in a spurt of anger that not even he could control. He tried to calm himself, but the guilt and the anger were too strong. It was easy now to see his fault. After the fact, it always was. If only he had paid enough attention... Could have, would have, should have, he thought viciously. Too little, too late, my lad. This was why he'd had to leave the house. He was so upset right now, he knew that there was no way in hell he'd be able to pull up a sunny face and pretend that everything was wonderful. Not today, at least. Maybe if he could get through today, then tomorrow he could just shove all the bad memories and feelings away in their proper box. Just forget about them. For a while at least. No, he didn't want to face the others today. There'd be questions. And he wasn't sure he could explain to them. Not because they wouldn't understand but because he had kept this inside for so long that he wasn't sure he could talk to anyone else. And he didn't want the guys to feel sorry for him. More than anything else, he couldn't bear the thought of their pity. Get it together, he ordered himself. Get your head together and get on with it, mate. How much easier said than done. *** Rowen of the Strata stepped gratefully out into the fresh air, shutting the door on the sound of Ryo and Kento arguing over the Playstation with an almost beatific smile. Honestly, he shook his head. You'd have thought that damn game was the be all and end all. If those two fought the Dynasty with the same vigor as they argued over video games then the Ronins would be out of a job. Clutching the book in his hand tighter, Rowen started walking away from the house, looking for a spot to settle down and enjoy his novel. This was one of those rare, brief lulls in fighting that he had come to live for and he didn't intend to waste it. Besides, it was far too pleasant out to sit inside playing video games all day. Looking around, Rowen noticed Sai stretched out across the grass by the lake's embankment. He blinked in surprise. He'd thought his friend had gone with Mia, Sage, and Yuli to the market. Come to think of it, he narrowed his eyes, he hadn't seen Sai all morning. That was odd, because Sai was usually the one to cook for them when it wasn't Mia's turn. Instead, they'd had to rely on Ryo to cook this morning. Rowen shuddered at the memory. The less said about Ryo's cooking, the better, he decided. Wonder what's up, Rowen thought, changing directions and moving towards his friend. Sai didn't so much as glance his way as Rowen approached him. His attention seemed fully concentrated on the rippling splashes of the water against the embankment. The distant expression Rowen glimpsed in his green eyes was uncharacteristic. Usually, Sai radiated warmth and caring; right now, he was sending out vibes that seemed to scream tension. It was more than just simple tension. His body language was closed, standoffish even. Sai, standoffish? Rowen would have laughed if anyone had suggested it to him. Sai was so open most of the time that occasionally Rowen wondered if he didn't have holes in his head. Not that Sai was stupid. That was so far from the truth it wasn't even funny. It was just there were times when he seemed impossibly naive. Sage was the one who kept people at a distance; Sai usually welcomed them with open arms, running towards them even. A small knot of concern began to form and it was somewhat anxiously that he cleared his throat to get his friend's attention. Sai started, for the first time seeming to realize that he wasn't alone. He swiftly turned then relaxed when he saw who it was. "Rowen." "Hey, buddy. I thought you had gone to town or something," Rowen came to stand beside where Sai was seated, "I mean you weren't at breakfast or anything. Kento nearly had a stroke when he realized you weren't around to cook for him." "I needed to get out the house." Rowen waited for him to elaborate. He was sorely disappointed as Sai returned his attention back to the lake, seemingly ignoring the Ronin beside him. That really worried Rowen. It wasn't like Sai to deliberately ignore anyone or to be cool. For pity's sake, Sai was the type who was visibly injured whenever he had to so much as squash a cockroach. What's going on here? Rowen worried. "Sai?" "Hmmm?" "You okay, man?" Rowen sank to the earth beside him, "I mean, you seem a little... Well, 'spaced' would be the word." Sai stared at him blankly, and then a brief smile flittered across his features. If anything, it worried Rowen even more. It wasn't Sai's typical sunny expression. No, it was too vague and hollow for that. "I've just got a lot on my mind, is all. Nothing for you to worry about, Rowen." Actually, now that Rowen was thinking on it, Sai had been usually quiet all week. Withdrawn almost. Definitely not typical Sai behavior. "Are you sure? You have been a little..." Rowen hesitated before venturing, "distant over this last week." When his friend didn't reply, Rowen tried another tack, "Do you want to talk about it?" "It?" "Whatever it is that's got you so worked up in knots?" Rowen said bluntly. This wasn't a position he was comfortable with. Usually, Kento would be the one to rush into a situation headlong while Rowen sat back and came up with a way to clean up the mess. Kento wasn't here however, and he'd just have to make do. Yeah, you can use all those nonexistent people skills you've got, Rowen thought sourly. He was a little out of his depth here. Sai was the one who was talented at making people spill their guts. Most of the time all he had to do was look at you the right way and you'd spill your guts to him. But not the other way around, a voice whispered. Sai was very good at seeming to give. It was only later that you realized that for all the love and support he offered, for all he knew about you, he gave very little of himself away. There was always something of himself that locked away, just out of reach. Rowen had thought it was because he was shy. Now, he was beginning to question that. Meanwhile, strange flushes of emotions were rushing across Sai's face. Desperation, then anger, then a visible effort to control that anger. Rowen watched in fascination, trying to determine which one was going to win. After a bit, Sai rather shortly volunteered, "It's my sister's birthday." "Sister?" Rowen echoed, "You have a sister?" "My twin actually," Sai further clarified. His green eyes seemed to darken from a pale jade to an emerald hue. There was a rawness in his expression that Rowen would have had to have been blind to miss. Twin? Rowen's mind reeled as it digested what his friend was telling him. There was so much about Sai that they didn't know. Particularly about his life before he had been a part of the Ronins. It was like he didn't have a past. They had never pressed him about it and he had never volunteered any of that information. In a way, Rowen supposed they all saw Sai as the person who cooked for them or listened whenever they had a problem; in short, the one who took care of them. Almost as if before the Ronins, there hadn't been a Sai. But that simply wasn't the case. Rowen found himself wondering about the Sai from that time before? Was he the same? Or was he someone totally different? "Twin?" Rowen found himself repeating the word, turning it over in his mind and trying to make it fit in that box there marked 'Sai'. As he did so, something else began to dawn on him, "Then that would mean its your..." "Birthday," Sai agreed, with a shrug. He was trying to pass it off nonchalantly, but failed miserably. That dark glimmer in his eyes seemed to widen. "Hey, why didn't you tell us?!” Rowen was indignant, "We'd have thrown you a party or at least gotten you a present or something!" "It's not important." "Not important?" Rowen stared, "It's your birthday." "Among other things," Sai muttered, then blanched. Evidently he had let something slip that he hadn't meant to. "Other things?" Rowen prodded. "Nothing," Sai drew his knees up and let his chin rest atop them. Rowen studied him carefully. Judging from the tense lines of his body and an expression that was beginning to resemble a thundercloud, something was quite obviously bothering him. More like eating at him, Rowen thought. Sai turned his head a little, caught Rowen looking at him thoughtfully, and growled, "It's nothing." Now, I know its something, Rowen replied silently. Sai was rarely brusque or curt. And he certainly didn't growl. That was more Kento or Ryo's style. He toyed with the edges of his book. He wished he knew how he could get Sai to reveal whatever it was eating at him. Should he just come right out and ask? Or should he drop a few hints and hope that Sai wanted to talk? Or should he just let well enough alone? Though all the guys were close, Rowen knew Sage better than any of the others. Certainly better than Sai, who usually confided in Kento. Then again, Rowen mused, what do any of us really know about Sai? I didn't even know he had a sister or that it was his birthday. What else is he hiding? And why? *** Sai really wished Rowen had stayed inside to read his book. Or that he had gotten up and left as soon as the other Ronin had stepped outside. Now, it was too late and Rowen was beginning to press dangerously close to topics he didn't want to speak of. Or did he? He wondered. Then why had he let so much slip out already? He had done such a good job for so long of burying the past. Only now it was resurfacing with a vengeance. Like some great crashing wave, it was trying to find a release, a means to live again. Speaking of it, would mean he'd have to live it again, to remember everything... As if he'd ever forgotten. He glanced over at Rowen. The other Ronin was chewing his lip thoughtfully, tapping his book against his leg. His blue brows were knit in obvious concern. So obvious, that despite himself, Sai felt a rush of warmth. It was nice to know his friend cared. Even if he chose to care at bloody inopportune times. Like today. "So," Rowen drawled slowly, keeping his eyes turned outward, "have you heard from--what's your sister's name?" Sai shut his eyes. You opened the door, lad, he thought, now you have to deal with it. Either tell him to shut up and leave or tell him the truth. It was so hard to know what to do. He trusted Rowen with his life, but he was not sure he could trust him with this. This secret was ugly. Ugly enough he hadn't even been able to confide it to Kento. And I think telling Rowen is going to be easier, he wanted to laugh. Strangely enough, the words were closer to the surface now than ever. Maybe because he knew Rowen's past hadn't exactly been a picnic either. His mother had left him in the care of his abusive, alcoholic father at an earlier age and never looked back. Rowen had spent the better part of his youth either being hit or learning to dodge those blows. Sai had always admired his strength; Rowen didn't waste time on bitterness. He had learned to deal with whatever life dealt him, make a choice, and live with it. Of all the Ronins, Rowen might be the one who could hear him and truly understand. Understand without pitying him. Sai felt torn. Force of habit told him to back off and keep Rowen away while everything in him was crying out for him to let the secret go. To share with Rowen what he had never told anyone outside of his family. "Sai?" Make a choice, Sai. Is it going to be the lady or the tiger? "Isobel," he heard himself softly say, almost unable to believe his own ears. "Her name's Isobel." "Pretty name," Rowen commented. Then he straightened, "It's her, isn't it? She's the reason you're upset?" Why did Rowen have to be so damned smart, Sai wondered. "I'm not upset." "Moody, then. What, did you two have a fight?" "Not exactly." "Well, whatever it is, it can't be important enough to keep you from talking to her on her birthday. You should call her and make up." Sai choked back a bitter laugh. "I'd love to, only that's going to be a little difficult, I'm afraid." "Why?" "Because she's dead," the words were out before Sai could stop them and oh, how they hurt. A wave of grief as deep and a fresh as the first time he'd uttered those words swept over him. His eyes blurred and he dashed angrily at them. He was so sick of crying. Crying changed nothing. Isobel would be just as dead now as she had been before he started. "Ummm," Rowen looked as if he'd stepped into a minefield. Then he touched Sai's shoulder, simply asking, "When?" "Three years ago," Sai's voice was barely audible, "Three years ago today." "Oh God, Sai, I'm sorry," Rowen replied in obvious distress. "I shouldn't have pushed you to--" "No," Sai spoke more forcefully than he'd intended, causing Rowen to fall silent, "I'm--I'm glad you did." Rowen hesitated, "Really?" No, not really, he thought. He kept that tart reply from leaving his tongue. The last thing he wanted to do was start a fight with Rowen. He felt hideous enough as it was. It was hard to breathe. He felt sick, like he'd been punched just one time too many in his stomach. When had it become so suffocating out here? There was a solid, comforting touch on his shoulder. "Breathe in deeply," Rowen ordered him, though not unkindly. Sai concentrated on carrying out his friend's advice, grateful for the fact Rowen wasn't pushing. In fact, he wasn't doing anything except offering silent comfort by his presence. "Better?" Rowen asked after a bit. "No," Sai answered truthfully, "but I'll live." Rowen nodded, sitting back on his heels. For a long time, he didn't say anything. Then, very softly, he asked, "Sai, why didn't you tell us?" "Couldn't," Sai shook his head emphatically. "Besides it happened before I met you or the others." "That doesn't matter. If it's hurting you as badly as it obviously is, you should have told us. Don't you trust us?" "Of course I do," Sai bit off sharply. "It was myself I wasn't sure of. I--I wasn't sure I could handle it. Before I had you guys, the only person in the world I felt close to was Isobel. And when she died--" "It was hard to let myself get really close to anyone again. And then I met you and the others and things changed. But there's always this part of me that's belonged to her, only now it's a great gaping hole in that place where she used to be." Rowen seemed to absorb this. "Tell me about her," he said suddenly. "What?" Sai stared at his friend. "Isobel. Tell me about her...tell me what happened," Rowen hesitated, "If you want to." "Tell you..." "I want to know. I mean she must have been really special if you're still hurting this bad after all this time. So tell me. I've never had a brother or sister before. What was she like?" Sai opened his mouth, closed it. "Soft," he heard himself saying, "Isobel was soft. She didn't have a harsh bone in her body." "Must run in the family," Rowen said with a small smile. A rueful smile touched Sai's lips as he shook his head, "It would have been better if we had been harsher. Life might have been so much easier for her. Hers and mine. Isobel and I never wanted for anything. Every Christmas we got mountains of presents. We got to travel all over the world. Anything we wanted, we got. Except the one thing we did want. To know our parents loved us." "They never mistreated us or were cruel. They just weren't there. We didn't matter enough for them to be hard on us. D'ye know I can recall the number of times we all sat down for a meal together on both hands." "For me, it was easier to just sit back and watch other people without getting involved. You couldn't get hurt that way. You couldn't have your feelings thrown back at you. Isobel... Well, Isobel was a bit more extreme. She had to be everyone's best friend. She was a member of every club in school, on the honor roll and it just wasn't enough. I think she thought that if she tried hard enough, if she could just get our parents' attention then she could change things. She could make things right." "Only it didn't happen that way?" Rowen asked. His dark eyes were knowing and with what Sai knew of his childhood, he wasn't surprised to see it. "Only it didn't happen that way," Sai agreed. "She should have been happy. She was accomplishing great things, but none of it meant anything to her. It just made things worse. She started dieting and messing around with pills to help her. Like she wasn't thin or beautiful. We had so many arguments about that. And about the people she started hanging around with. People who didn't give a damn about her but weren't averse to taking a bit of money off of her. Or introducing her to things she had no business knowing about. The ways she sought out our parents' attention began changing radically. Like 'borrowing' a few of Mum's more valuable jewelry pieces and never returning them. Or 'liberating' the car when she didn't have a license. Anything to get attention." "What I didn't realize was just how far she'd go just to get our parents' attention. And I should have," he berated himself, "I was her twin. We'd been best friends all our lives. When we couldn't depend on anyone else, we'd still had each other." "Sai--" "Only we didn't any more," Sai continued the words tearing themselves out of him, "She was drifting away from me and I couldn't do anything about it. Because I didn't want to see that there was a problem. So I ignored it, just like our parents did us, telling myself that Isobel was just going through one of her phases and it would all be over with soon." "And so it was," Sai pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to banish the sounds and images coalescing before his eyes. Like that early morning phone call. He'd been the only one in the house at the time and had sleepily padded downstairs to answer it. Whatever vestiges of sleep that possessed him had been dispelled by the crisp, authoritative voice on the other line telling him that Isobel's Fiat had been found near Ennis Park. A place where they had played and climbed trees; where they had dreamed of a different life. They had spent hours under those same trees, whispering secrets to one another and making a pact to always watch out for each other. Sai hadn't done a very good job at keeping his promise. With shattering clarity, he mentally retraced the steps of that morning. The police had asked him down to the station. At first, he'd thought it was because Isobel had gotten herself into real trouble. Maybe some stupid prank her so-called new friends had set her up to. He had worried over just what he was going to tell their parents the entire ride there. The officer had been kind upon meeting him. And for a reason unbeknownst to him then, that had set warning bells off in Sai's head. In a sort of daze, he'd listened blankly as the man had babbled on about an accident and a body and could he please take a look for identification purposes? "She was so gray, Rowen," Sai's voice quivered. He didn't bother to stop the tear streaking down his cheek now. "Almost blue. And still. It didn't seem real. She didn't seem real. But I knew, oh, God--I knew it was her, no matter how much I wanted to deny it." She'd overdosed, the officer had explained after pushing him into a seat. All those diet pills hadn't set well with the tequila and cocaine they'd found in her system. "And I never even knew she drank," Sai started laughing hysterically. "I promised to watch out for her and I didn't even have a clue what she'd gotten herself into. I could have. Looking back, she'd been giving me so many clues they could have qualified as anvils. And I ignored them all, because I didn't want to believe it. I should have saved her--I--" The words wouldn't come anymore and the dull ache he had always carried in his chest was now throbbing with renewed vigor. He sat there, panting with suppressed emotion. I failed you, Isobel. God forgive me because I cannot forgive myself. Rowen caught his shoulders and gave him a little shake. "Sai, listen to me. It wasn't your fault--" "I killed her, Rowen. Just as surely as if someone had put a gun in my hand. Because I should have known," Sai snarled at him, "I should have prevented things from accelerating to the point they did, I should have...done something--" "No," Rowen forced Sai to meet his eyes. The archer's dark eyes were glistening in a set face. "You're not God, Sai. It’s not up to you to choose who lives and who dies. And sometimes I don't care how hard you try, you can't save them all." "No--" Sai tried to twist out of his grip, desperately clinging to his guilt and trying to deny Rowen's words. "Listen to me. You think I don't know what it is to beat yourself over the head with guilt? I spent most of my childhood trying to save my old man. He nearly beat my brains in a few times for stealing his liquor and smashing it, but I kept on. Know why? Because I just knew I could do it if I tried hard enough. But, Sai," Rowen continued relentlessly, "sometimes people don't want to be saved." "No," Sai repeated, but the word came out a strangled whimper. That all too familiar feeling of helplessness rose up and tried to drown him again-- --only this time he wasn't alone. Rowen was here, too. Telling him it wasn't his fault over and over. Sai lay back against the earth, curling up into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible in the hopes it would just squeeze all the pain away. He hurt all over, in ways that cut deeper than any thrust of a Warlord's sword. The comfortable numbness with which he had always kept this closed with disappeared like fine mist and he felt raw. Like someone had taken a bat and beaten him all over with it, only the hurt started from his chest and moved outward. "Just let it go, Sai," Rowen said softly, "You have to let it go before it poisons you." "For Isobel," he added a moment later. "How do you think she'd feel to know you were hurting like this? Blaming yourself like this?" Angry, Sai thought, she'd be angry with me. And annoyed. He remembered the way she'd cock her auburn-tressed head and roll her eyes whenever he had done something she thought was completely idiotic. Honestly, Sai, would you like some nails to go along with that cross you're building for yourself there? he heard her say in exasperation. In spite of himself, the thought of that tone and expression made him chuckle a little. Even if it came out like a sob. Rowen was right. Isobel wouldn't want him to beat himself like this. Isobel had never been able to stay angry with anyone for very long. And as a result, she hadn't wanted other people to be angry or upset for long either. She had never held grudges in life, part of him whispered, so what makes you think she'd start in death. It didn't mean that he would stop blaming himself any time soon, but the realization was a step of sorts. He struggled to sit up. Rowen caught his shaky arm and steadied him. "Better?" "No," Sai's voice trembled, "but I'll try." Rowen gave him an understanding half-smile, "Trying is good. Trying is a large part of the battle." He grew somber, "You're always going to carry that regret with you, Sai. It's part of you now. Just find all the good memories you have of Isobel and every time you start to feel down, you think about what she'd think about all this guilt." "She'd probably threaten to smack me," Sai smiled through his tears at the very thought. "Sounds like a real smart lady," Rowen chuckled, though his eyes were still round with concern. "Rowen?" "Yeah?" "Can I tell you more about Isobel?" Sai felt his face flush, "It--it's just been so long since I've talked about her... And I think you would have liked her..." Rowen regarded him steadily then sprawled out across the grass in front of him with an expectant expression. "Anytime you're ready, buddy." Thanks, Rowen, he thought gratefully. Sai closed his eyes, searching for the words to begin. Before he opened his mouth to speak, he sent one silent thought out towards the ghost that had haunted him for so long. Happy birthday, Isobel. ***End. ****The lines Sai spoke earlier are from the poem “Pippa Passes” by Robert Browning. | |
