THE CON

Sara had a “to do” list a mile long. Every last daily detail, however, was worked out and refined down to the very last minute. Sara liked detailing and organizing things. It made her feel “safe” and “in control” of things. Sara’s list for the day read something like this:

7:45AM - take James to middle school. (pick up Rick also)

8:05AM - Stop at store for some milk.

8:15AM - Clothes in laundry (don’t forget to dryer them too)

8:25AM - Iron “new green shirt” for Cammy (make sure Cammy eats bkfst)

8:35AM - Quick shower

8:50AM - Take Cammy to school (Bring Banking and Post Office stuff)

9:05AM - Stop at bank - deposit and get at least $150 “cash back.”

9:20AM - Post Office/mail bills

9:30AM - Home/hair and dress for the bakery w/ Sandy and Sue.

10:00AM - Bakery coffee/ chat etc. (get out of there by 11:15)

11:30AM - Shopping for dress for dinner party tonight (Cellular call for resv.)

1:30PM - Pick up Jim’s suit at the cleaners.

1:35PM - (in route) Buy gift for Jim’s boss. ( something small)

2:00PM - Stop at ticket office and buy baseball tkts. (4) for Sat. night game.

2:35PM - Home. Finish writing baby shower “Thank you's” (Late!)

3:00PM - Pick up James from school. Drop off Ricky.

3:15PM - James home. supervise snack. Have him clean room.

3:40PM - Pick up Cammy.

4:00PM - Call Jim per dinner time - place etc.

4:15PM - Have car down at garage for oil change (Don’t forget)

5:00PM - Car done. home.

5:15PM - Dress - hair - etc.

6:30PM - Leave for dinner.

It was only 7:30 in the morning and Sara already felt tired just looking at her list. “James, are you almost ready?” Sara hollered down the hall.

“Yeah. Is it time to go already?”

“Almost.” “We don’t want to be late.” Sara said walking into Cammys messy bedroom to wake her up. “Time to get up dear. I’m taking James to school. I’ll be right back. Get up now honey.”

“Mommy” Cammy said as her head peered out from underneath the covers, “I don’t feel very good.”

“Get up now honey. It’s a big day. You just have to wake up and you’ll be fine.” “Fix yourself some breakfast cereal and mommy will be right back.” James, lets go!”

Sara could feel just a twinge of anxiety as she headed out the front door contemplating the days upcoming events. But, as always, she had everything well planned and “under control.” “It will all go smoothly”, she told herself as she climbed into her car.

As she arrived at school with Rick and James, James suddenly blurted out “Mom, I forgot my science report. It’s due today and it counts for one half of my grade! Can you bring it before my third period class?

“James” Sara replied in a disgusted tone, “Didn’t I remind you just this morning to remember your paper?”

“But mom...”

“This is the last time. I’ll bring your paper but no more computer or telephone privileges for you for a week!” “That’s final!”

The knot in Sara’s stomach grew bigger as she raced home, forgetting to stop and pick up some milk. The second she walked in the door she was greeted to the sound of Cammys voice, “Mom, did you get milk?” Sara’s could feel that frustration frenzy starting to build inside of her. “Calm down” she said to her self, “every things under control.”

“Mommy, my throat hurts.”

“Get dressed honey or you’ll be late for school.”

“But it really hurts”

“Oh honey, everybody gets a soar throat now and then - you’ll be just fine.” The thought of a sick child did not sit well with Sara. “That’s all I need today” she thought.

In the next hour or so Sara managed to get her clothes in the laundry, take a shower, take Cammy to school, go to the bank and post office, and get back home. She felt completely rushed and her stress level was starting to mount.

“How am I going to get myself put together and get to the bakery on time when I have to get this report paper up to James school?” She took a deep breath. “I can do it, I can do it”. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her ringing cellular phone. “Hello”

“Yes..., Mrs. Mason, this is the nurse from Brownsville Elementary. We have a sick little girl hear.”

“Isn’t is just a soar throat” Sara asked already sensing the reply.

“No, Cammy has a fever of 101. Can you come and pick her up?”

“Yes. I’ll be right there”, Sara answered in an exasperated tone. “Everything is coming unraveled” She thought to herself. “I hate this.” “I can’t do this anymore!”

Sara’s neat and tidy world, with all of her time perfectly plotted and splendidly scheduled was indeed coming unglued. But, as any parent can attest to - that is just “how it goes” sometimes. Sara did not need to come “unglued.” Sara’s rising anxiety wasn’t based on the unplanned events that were starting to unfold in her tidy world, it was based on her perceived “need” to control those events.

It is important to point out here that anything or anyone that you feel you “have” to control - controls you.

Sara felt that she needed to control the events of the day in order for her life to run smoothly. What was really taking place was that Sara was giving the events of the day control over her emotional state. Her feelings were dependent upon how the days events would unfold. That is not being “in control.”

THE TRUTH

The truth is we cannot control anyone or anything. We can only control our thoughts. However, Sara didn’t see this Truthful and freeing insight. She only saw her world coming apart. If she had seen it, she may have still made her daily plans, but when they started to unfold differently she would have simply flowed with the events. She wouldn’t have felt as if everything was coming “unglued.” She would have known and delighted in the new picture that was being pasted together by life right before her very eyes. What a wonderful opportunity to care for her feverish child.

Instead, Sara felt that she “needed” to control things - therefore she was being controlled by her own very “need”.

Another important concept to study is that the “need” to be in control is in reality the fear of losing control.

Let’s examine this important insight for a moment. If you had no fear of losing control then you wouldn’t have a “need” to be in control. Most of our “control fear’ comes from wanting to look good to others. Weather that is other people in our community our neighbors, our friends or our coworkers etc... does not matter -we do not want to look bad or appear foolish or stupid so we attempt to control life’s situations in order to avoid any negative judgement from others or embarrassment.

We attempt to control things because we are afraid of looking bad. We are afraid of looking like the week, stumbling, fumbling human fools that we all sometimes are. Show me a person that never stumbles, fumbles, appears week or acts occasionally foolish and I’ll show you a person who is driven by their fear of losing control.

THE SECRET IS OUT

It’s true. The secret is out. We are all sometimes fools - or wonderfully foolish in our humanity - it’s just that only just a few of us realize it. And we will all make mistakes. It is inherent in our human nature. If we would all come to terms with that truth then maybe we would put less emphasis on how we “looked” to others. And if we put less emphasis on appearance then maybe we wouldn’t run around - at least in our minds - all the time trying to control how we “look”.

The very best we can do is to relieve ourselves - once and for always - from the misconception that we can be in control of life’s events. This is an incredibly freeing insight. The only thing that we can ever truly control is our thought process.

We only gain true control when we realize that the things that we feel we have to control actually control us.

Take some time and make a list of the things that you feel you need to control. Then try to see how they are actually controlling you. You will be truly amazed by what you find and feel as if you’ve just been reacquainted with an old friend - someone that you’ve known all your life but haven’t seen in a long, long while - the Truth.