A couple of years ago, with Valentine's Day quickly approaching, I took a turn off the well-trod road of traditional gifts. I was one lone person cutting out of the main herd already stampeding towards the stores provisioned with candy, jewelry, flowers and cards. Was it love that drove me down the road less traveled? Was it inspiration?
I have to admit that though love and inspiration played their parts, being broke also had a role. I was in a state of love and in a deep funk from lack of coin of the realm when it struck me- I could be Cupid! It couldn't cost that much to rent a costume for a day.
My fingers ran through the yellow pages but alas, not one of the three local costume shops had a Cupid costume, although the shop had a pair of angel wings they would rent out for $10. They say necessity is the mother of invention. They were right.
I thought about what makes a Cupid, Wings, of course. Boyish smooth skin. A bow and arrows. A halo! Red lips, rosy cheeks and a bright mischievous smile. Where could I get all this stuff for next to nothing? The deep funk threatened to return but was pushed aside by obsession. It was for a good cause. The following is a road map that took me to a state of bliss. Follow it. Your path may vary but the results will be the same.
I went into a craft store for ideas and got lucky when I met a very helpful lady who was tickled pink to help me succeed in my quest. We walked through her store and found almost everything I needed. I had bought an inexpensive pair of white tights at the clothing store. The crafts lady fixed me up with fabric glue, a bag of white feathers, a plastic hoop that fit down to my ears when placed on my head, a package of red, lacy heart shape place mats, a bag of various sized red hearts and a roll of white cloth tape. A toy store down the street provided me with a small toy bow and rubber tipped arrows. I also reserved the angel wings at the costume shop.
The lady at the craft store wrapped the white cloth tape around the plastic hoop trying it on my head until the hoop fit far enough down my head to stay on yet far enough up to suggest a halo. She then used the fabric glue to attach some of the longer feathers around the hoop. The feathers were laid lengthwise around the hoop until only the tips stuck up. When we were through, we had a nice feathery halo.
The day before Valentine's Day, while my lady was shopping, I tried on the tights. My legs were so hairy! I knew then that I would have to shave them or the effect was going to be spoiled. I also noted that I had considerably more chest hair than that boyish Cupid. It was too late to turn back. I strategically glued one of the heart placemats to the front part of the tights and one to the back. I glued several of the smaller hearts to the legs. This was all done while wearing the tights to insure proper placement. When the glue dried, I carefully took off the tights and put them where they wouldn't be found or squished. I also checked the camera for film and made sure the batteries for the flash were good. I know my woman and I know that when something like this happens, she wants a picture!
On Valentine's Day I was driving home when another thought struck me: what about a rose? My neighbor, an elderly lady with a knack for raising lovely roses, eyed me suspiciously when I asked her for one of her beauties. She relented, however, when I let her in on my little secret. In fact, I thought I heard a girlish giggle escape her lips as she cut me a fine specimen from her garden.
I removed the thorns with my pocketknife and hid the rose in the large bag the wings were in. When I got home I announced to my Valentine that I was taking a shower and that I had a surprise for her if only she would give me some time. She was curious about the large bag, but went out and sat on the porch while I readied myself.
I showered, shaved my face baby skin smooth, and shaved my chest hair and my legs. I put red lipstick on my lips and went into the bedroom where I pulled on the tights. My two daughters were really curious and kept pounding on the door. I decided to let them in on my scheme. The teenager put some of the lipstick on my cheeks so that I looked like I was blushing while the six-year-old set up the music. We used tape to stick all the uused hearts all over the walls. The camera was placed on the dresser near the door.
The kids went to get mom. I put on my wings and halo and started the romantic music. When my honey opened the door I was sitting on the end of the bed with a rose in my teeth, a bow and arrows in my hands and a devilish smile on my lips.
How does a batter feel when he wins the World Series with a home run? How does a quarterback feel after winning the Super Bowl with a 60-yard pass? I don't know, but I'm sure I felt better.
After a couple of photos, the children were shooed out and we danced slowly around the room while she melted in my arms and pieces of clothing fell to the floor. Got the picure guys?
At the time I felt that my investment of approximately $25 had gotten an excellent return. I was not prepared for the residuals. Over the last couple of years since my award winning portrayal of Cupid, all I have had to do is mention this special Valentine I gave her and I get all the hugs and kisses a guy could want. In addition, I am going to make a card out of the picture for this Valentine's day just to keep that good time we had in the most frequently used part of her memory. So forget the hot stock tips and invest in what it takes to please your lady. This year, guys, U.B. Cupid!
By Ira White
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