Borrowed

Chakotay awoke, as was his custom, nine minutes before his chronometre sounded. This left him a little time to contemplate his companion who appeared to be sound asleep. She was not going to be pleased when she realised how little time there was to get to the Bridge in time for her duty shift. She was going to be distinctly unamused when she remembered that last night she had not been in uniform and she was going to either have to replicate a new one or risk going back to her quarters in last nights outfit to change.

She was sleeping on her stomach, head turned away from him, covers pushed down to her waist. The smooth, creamy expanse of her back was within touching distance and he was tempted to reach out and caress it. But he didn't want to wake her, yet. Her hair attracted his attention, swept over one shoulder, tousled by sleep, strands of red and auburn falling in loose curls over her naked skin. She was not supposed to be here, in his bed, in his quarters. A rule imposed, by her, after a single night as lovers, on a Planet now far away from them. He wondered what she would have decided if they hadn't been interrupted by Tuvok and Harry.

The memory of that moment still horrified, embarrassed and in a > very small degree amused him. He had been dressing when he had heard voices in the outer room - going out to investigate he had come face to face with his colleagues. They had all stood there in shocked silence - while Tuvok and Harry did the maths and he wondered how he was going to break the news to Kathryn. She had saved him the trouble, coming out of the bedroom wearing his shirt and flinging herself enthusiastically into his arms before he'd had a chance to form a coherent sentence. She hadn't realised that they were no longer alone until Tuvok coughed.

Her face had been a picture in that moment. Eyes wide, mouth open and she had blushed. But in an instant she had snapped back, pulled herself together, disentangled herself from him and said 'gentlemen' in her best command tone, adding 'this better be good.'

It had been nothing. A minor diplomatic wrinkle which took a couple of hours to sort out. He could hardly complain about Tuvok scanning the Planet to find him when he was not where he had said he would be. Or even on discovering his whereabouts coming to find him in person since they had already discovered that the Planet's magnetic crust was interfering with the use of their comm badges.

He didn't know if Kathryn had spoken to Tuvok or Harry about what they had witnessed. He suspected that she had decided to make no reference to it, preferring denial to explanation. As soon as he had left the beach house with them he'd said, 'This goes no further, is that clear? Because if I hear so much as a rumour about this incident I will know who to come to.'Janeway had returned to the ship later that day, abandoning her shore leave two days ahead of schedule. When he returned to Voyager, diplomatic duties successfully discharged there had been a message,

from her, sent to the terminal in his quarters. Four words, 'IT NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.'

Glancing down at her sleeping form he thought, 'so much for never again.'

Yesterday had been Tom Paris' birthday, and being the person he was he had taken it upon himself to organise the party to mark the occasion, a beach part. The luau programme had been running on the

holodeck, everyone who attended was out of uniform and Tom, as host, was doing his best to ensure that his guests enjoyed themselves.

Unfortunately, Chakotay had not been in the mood for a party. In the three weeks that had passed since their shore leave he had spent every duty shift in Kathryn's company and not a personal word had passed between them. She had completely shut him out and he was getting sick of it. It was agonising, being so close to her and at the same time constantly being held at arms length. He'd been wondering if the crew had noticed and if they had what they thought was going on. Last week B'elanna had told him that the prevailing opinion was that he had made a pass at Janeway and been rejected, then she'd asked him if that was what had happened. He had merely growled and told her to mind her own business.

His mood had not improved by the time the captain made her appearance at the party. In fact he was irritated all over again by her arrival, or at least his body's response to her presence. It wasn't as though she was wearing anything revealing - in fact she was one of the most wrapped up people present wearing a fine cotton blouse and a sarong over her swimming costume. It was impeccably discrete but the curves that the outfit only hinted at had been haunting his dreams - leaving him tired and frustrated. She had smiled a greeting to him across the room, polite, neutral - she could have been smiling at anyone.

He had not planned to stay long, but he'd chatted to a few people and time had run on. He had lost track of Kathryn and had decided that she had probably not hung around, he knew that she felt that her presence somehow restricted the crew. It worried him that she did not realise how wrong she was about this, and that she was the one who suffered because of this error. He had wandered down to the beach, just before he left, drawn to the water by the spectacle of a glorious sunset. It was worth seeing, the sun sinking gracefully into the sea, its firey gold melting into the inky backness of the ocean. Watching for a moment, standing in the shadows, he abruptly became conscious that he was no longer alone.

Looking around he saw Kathryn, standing a little way away from him, gazing across the dark waters. As he'd watched her mask of composure had slipped and he had seen sadness and loneliness settle over her. He had been so upset to see her like that that he had moved forwards, spoke her name. She had glanced in his direction, seen him, but made no attempt to push away the emotions that she had allowed to come to the surface when she thought she was unobserved. Watching the emotions play across her face he had stepped closer still and said,

'I've missed you so much.'

'I've missed you as well.' She had whispered the words, whether out of fear of being overheard or a reluctance to admit to the feeling he'd had no idea - still didn't. Aware that he was taking an unpardonable liberty he slipped his arms around her, pulling her unresisting back against his chest, his face buried in her hair, drowning in her fragrance.

'You smell wonderful.'

'Chakotay - oh!' He could tell that when she had begun to speak she had intended to remonstrate with him, but her words ended with a tremour of longing as he'd started to kiss and nibble at her neck.

Whatever her demeanour had been over the last three weeks her body had betrayed her in that moment.

'Ssh - don't talk. Don't you remember the last time we were together, looking at the sea.'

'I remember very well, I also remember that we agreed it was going to be the first and last time.'

'I don't think I agreed to that,' he had replied, stroking his hands over her arms, taking encouragement from the fact that she hadn't pulled away, punched him or called security to have him escourted to the brig. 'Come on Kathryn, weren't you thinking about last time just now? I know I was.'

'Chakotay, I really don't think this is the time or the place for this conversation. Do you want some more members of the crew to catch us in a compromising position? because you're certainly going the right way about it.'

'No one can see us,' One of his hands slipped over her stomach, along her thigh and a jolt of pure desire shot through him as he felt her instinctivly press into him. 'Have you any idea how much I want to make love to you?' he whispered softly into her ear, 'I think that's what you want as well.'

'Commander,'

'Tell me to stop Kathryn,'he had replied to her statement of his title. 'If you don't want this all you have to say is 'stop it' and I will.' He had stilled his wandering hands, but she had said nothing, made no movement. In the silence he had been able to hear how quickly and deeply she was breathing. 'Just relax.'

'We can't do this.'

'We can't do this here,' he'd amended, one hand creeping up to cup a breast, drawing a gasp from her that turned into a moan on the final note. 'I want you so much Kathryn, I know you want me as well.'

She'd issued no denial to this statement so he had carried on talking. 'I want to remove every piece of clothing you're wearing so slowly you will scream with impatience, then I want to cover you with kisses, taste you everywhere and finally, when you don't think you can wait any longer I want to make love to you until you call out my name.'

As he'd been speaking he'd become aware of how aroused he was, knowing that if he didn't stop soon he wouldn't be able to leave and he had no intention of continuing with so many of the crew within hearing >distance. He'd dipped his head, mouth nuzzling at the curve of her shoulder so that he was speaking into her skin. 'I'm going to my quarters now - I'll wait five minutes for you and then I will have to take a cold shower, a very cold shower and that would be a waste.' Stepping away from her he started to walk towards the exit. Glancing back once to see her unmoved by the water's edge, showing no sign of how she would respond to his invitation.

She had made it to his quarters in three minutes, striding through the doors, eyes blazing with either desire or rage - possible both. He'd looked up from his seat at the desk and realised that he had no idea what she would do or say. 'You were out of line on the holodeck Commander.' She'd spat the words at him, like missiles.

'You didn't seem to be objecting then.'

'Well, I am objecting now.' He'd realised that she was more angry with herself for coming after him, for whatever she was feeling. She was spoiling for a fight, hoping that would prevent anything else from happening between them, probably thinking that an argument would serve as a release for some sexual tension. Yet he was unwilling to provide her with that escape route, so instead of responding with equal belligerence he'd stood up and said placatingly,

'I'm sorry Kathryn, I would never do anything to upset you, you know that.' It was difficult to continue a one way quarrel, especially when the other person was apologising.

'Well, you have upset me.' He searched for something more to soothe her,

'I'm sorry, I got carried away, remembering.' He didn't finish the sentence, sure she would know exactly what he had been recalling, 'it's been so long since we were alone together, I just wanted to touch you.'

'You still had no right to do that, not with the crew on the holodeck as well.' He'd been tempted to ask her if that was really where the problem lay, that last time Tuvok and Harry had caught them and she couldn't forget the humiliation of that moment. But this was not the moment to reprise that memory.

'Kathryn, I don't think you realise how much the night we spent together effected me. We never had the chance to discuss our feelings but when I said I didn't want to leave you that morning I meant that I never wanted to leave you.' She was still and silent, not the reaction he expected.

At last she began by saying his name, but he found that he didn't want her to go on, didn't want to hear her say it was impossible, that that night had not meant anything, that she had been lonely, nothing more. He was hoping there was still something he could say to change her mind.

'I don't know what happens now, what we should do, but,'

'Chakotay' she was more insistent the second time, and she had taken a step towards him, slid an arm around his neck. 'I think you should stop talking now, don't' you?'

They paused, perilously close to one another, a heartbeat away from kissing, the moment stretching. In the hiatus she'd looked at him from beneath lowered eyelashes and smiled a thoroughly wicked smile at him -which was enough to persuade him to press his lips to hers and pull her firmly into his arms.

From the moment she'd made that first move to touch him he had been fighting a loosing battle with his arousal. He couldn't remember a time when he'd been so hard so fast, the heat and the need coursed through his body from the first touch of her lips to his. There was nothing gentle about their response to one another or about the frantic, urgent passion that had ignited between them. They had greedily traded kisses, tongues sliding seductively into and out of each others mouths while their hands tugged at clothing, striving to make contact with the warm, smooth flesh beneath.

Her fingers had curled over his erection, rubbing him through the cloth of his trousers until his hips swayed with the motion and he had moaned. he had struggled to wrench his mouth away from hers, tilted her head back so that as her eyes opened she'd been looking directly at him. 'Tell me what you want!' he'd demanded, almost shouting,

'You, I want you.' She had caught the hunger, thrown it back at him and he had been as powerless to resist it as she had been.

He pushed her back until she was leaning against the edge of the desk and the began unceremoniously removing her clothes. The shirt yielded to him first, his fingers pulled at the buttons and then the flimsy piece of cloth was thrown across the room. Between kisses the sarong was undone and the swimming costume peeled from her shoulders baring her to the waist.

Her breath came in short, shallow gasps as his hands swept rapidly over her body, stroking and caressing as his lips pulled at her tongue and then nuzzled her jaw bone, slid down to her neck. Her fingers had dug hard into his shoulders as she leaned her head back, hair trailing over the surface of the desk. He pushed her further back and as her hand scrambled for a hold she had sent a pile of padds crashing to the floor. He took a moment to yank off his clothes, pushing them to the ground as she had manouvred the swimming costume over her hips so that they were both naked. His mouth found her breasts, sucking and nibbling gently at first and then increasing the pressure until she writhed against him impatiently, her legs wrapping around his back.

His hand curved over her stomach, pausing to run his fingers through the curls beneath it and then slipping across the slick, wet folds making her sigh and then gasp as his fingers penetrated her. He'd felt the tiny spasms begin inside her, his erection jerking in response as he stroked her clitoris, his finger dipping in and out of her, revelling in her quiet whimpers of appreciation, wishing he could hold on to finish this.

He had leant forward, knowing such restraint was out of the question now, kissing her lips, her cheek, back to her lips again. Positioning himself and then beginning to slowly thrust into her, rapidly increasing the tempo as she pushed back. It was quick then, their hips grinding together as they'd rode the wave of their climax. She'd been first, tightening, scoring her nails across his back as she tossed her head from side to side and arched away from the desk. He'd managed two more thrusts, his hands braced above her shoulders and then the release claimed him - exploding deep within him, cries echoing around the room.

Later, they had stumbled into his bed and he had kept his promise to taste and kiss her all over. He'd succeeded in keeping both of them on the verge of a climax for a long time without actually entering her. The orgasm had finally washed over them both as they sat wrapped together, arms clasped tightly around each other, rocking gently backwards and forwards, sharing long, slow kisses.

In the cold light of day he knew it was the euphoria which had made him say outloud the words screaming inside his head. 'I love you.' His lips had been pressed to her neck, his hands lightly rubbing her back as she'd whispered back

'I love you to.' He didn't regret the admission he had made, but wasn't sure she would feel the same way when she woke up. He would soon find out, the chronometre sounded and she stirred beside him.

For a moment he was seduced into believing that everything was going to be all right. As she woke up she sighed contentedly and wriggled a little further under the covers. Then as her body came into contact with his she froze. The silence and the stillness was distinctly uncomfortable and just as he was preparing to break it she pushed herself up into a sitting position the sheet wrapped tightly around her body, her back to him.

'Kathryn,' she shrugged off the hand he'd placed on her shoulder and said

'It was a mistake - what happened between us last night should never have happened.'

'How can you say that?'

'Because it's true. It isn't your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have been weak.' Nothing about this conversation was particularly unexpected but he found himself getting angry.

'Is that what I am?' he asked. 'A weakness? I must have been dreaming last night because I thought I heard you say you loved me.'

'It was weak of me to give into my feelings - the welfare of the crew is far more important than anything I might want. We can't ever allow this to happen again, we will just have to learn to deal with these inconvenient feelings.' She got out of bed, taking the sheet with her, seeming to feel as thought things had been settled.

'So, lets see,' he said caustically, ' I've been awake for ten minutes and I'm already a weakness, a risk and an inconvenient feeling. If all I am is a way of relieving sexual frustration then perhaps you should make use of the holodeck like other people.' She paused in the doorway

'That's not all you are - I don't know how you could think that.'

'Look at the way you are behaving, you say last night was a mistake, you can't get out of here fast enough. What am I supposed to think? I feel as though you've used me.'

'This has nothing to do with you, I made a mistake and I'm mad with myself.' He was astounded by her words

'What do you mean, it has nothing to do with me? I was there as well, wasn't I. We made love on my desk and again in my bed. I thought it was an experience we shared, obviously I was wrong.'

'We can be colleagues, friends but nothing more. We could totally loose our objectivity, our whole command relationship could disintegrate.'

'It's hardly functioning well at the moment, is it?' he pointed out drily.

'This crew needs a command relationship that is stable that will not unravel because of a lovers tiff.' The last remark was enough to push his temper past boiling point.

'You can't even be honest with yourself now - can you? You're making excuses, hiding behind the crew, anything rather than admit that you're in love with me.'

For a moment he thought she would respond with equal heat, but she kept a tight rein on her temper, a fact which only served to enflame his. She didn't even try to answer that last accusation, asking instead, 'Computer, what time is it?'

'It is zero six twenty.' Forty minutes to get to the Bridge on time. She started to collect her clothes from where they were scattered as though there was nothing left to say about their situation. He watched her in disbelief, cursing inwardly at the tug in his stomach as she calmly dropped the sheet and started to pull on her clothes.

'Is that it?' he managed to gasp at last. 'Is that all you have to say?'

'I don't see how prolonging this discussion could serve any useful purpose. My decision is non - negotiable and we both have to be on the Bridge soon. I need a shower, a change of clothes and some coffee.'

'I want you to tell me the truth,' he demanded, 'to at least have the decency to admit that you can't control your feelings and you hate it.' It ought to be her words, the denial of emotions that had been so palpable last night which caused him the most pain. In fact he was most effected by her cold, calm demeanour and he was desperate to pierce it, even once - just to reassure himself that the woman he loved existed inside the shell of this stranger.

'Computer,' she was dressed now, her hair still escaping over her shoulders, the band which held it in place was in his bed, somewhere and he was willing to bet that she wouldn't be retrieving it. 'Is there anyone in the corridor outside Commander Chakotay's quarters?'

'Ensign Hargreaves is currently located on Corridor Alpha, deck 5.'

'Damn.' She swore softly, clearly unhappy at being confined for a little longer. He made a further attempt to rattle her composure.

'So, lets see if I understand the position correctly. Last night was a mistake, never to be repeated and we are just supposed to forget about our feelings?'

'Yes,' she snapped

'And you're sure this time, because you have already changed your mind once?'

'I'm sure.'

'Because the decision you make now is final, irrevocable. I can't allow you to keep hurting me like this.'

'It's final. Computer, is there anyone on corridor 5 alpha now?'

'Ensigns Kim and Paris.' He guessed that meant she would be staying, her preoccupation with leaving was the only possible sign he had of her discomfort and of course she might just be anxious not to be late.

'So it's over then, for ever. No going back, no stolen nights - nothing. Just colleagues for as long as we are out here, for the rest of our lives.'

'Oh, to hell with it - they'll just have to gossip.' She stalked away from him and stormed out of his quarters. She couldn't be thinking straight, if she'd hand Paris an opportunity like that rather than spend a moment more with him. He was neither angry or sad now, just stunned that she would throw everything away. Not even try to find a way to work it out. She could believe that science held all the answers, even when the evidence of her own eyes told her otherwise, she could live according to a set of rules which belonged to an organisation on the other side of the Galaxy and make them work in an unknown, unpredictable area of space. But she couldn't or wouldn't find a way to combine the dictates of duty and her own needs and desires. Perhaps the answer was that she didn't love him enough to try.

The End