A Good Thought

By Morgan

I heard from Starfleet Command today and the past came crashing over me like a tidal wave. I was swept away by thoughts, feelings, memories - regrets. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised about how much she has been on my mind since then.

It's been so long since I've seen that particular insignia attached to a message that I couldn't help but wonder what Starfleet wanted with me. Once upon a time a message from Starfleet could only have been from one person, we used to have our own encryption, some of the messages were pretty risqu*, I hope we got them past whoever was watching.

The news was completely unexpected. I can't believe that she's still alive and yet, it isn't that surprising. I, more that anyone should know about her strength, her ingenuity, her sheer ability to survive - she is Kathryn Janeway after all - and I am the man who loved her.

I thought I was over this, over her. But I suppose it isn't that simple, feelings have no idea what is or is not convenient, they exist in a universe where logic does not apply. When you've been in love with someone for half your life you don't just stop, can't just forget how she made you feel.

I have a lot of memories, our highs, our lows. I can see her now, the morning after the first time we made love, a sheet wrapped around her, long hair falling around her face, she was standing in a patch of sunshine, looking out of the bedroom window. All her features were softened, her lips swollen for the long hours we'd spent kissing. I know I swore to myself then that I was never going to let her go.

We argued as passionately as we made love - and over the strangest things. She didn't speak to me for almost a month once because a colleague of mine took a position she didn't agree with and I took his side, not hers. She was like that, she demanded loyalty - expected it even, and she almost always took criticism personally.

I still think of Gretchen and Phoebe as past of my family. I suppose because of the way our relationship ended. We didn't split up, there was no acrimony, no need for anyone to take sides, Kathryn was just gone, and I was a link to her, a way of remembering.

For so long I tried to believe that one day she would just reappear and we could continue where we left off. But time passed and I found it harder and harder to hold onto the past. I'm sure Kathryn will understand why I needed to start living again, I'm sure she's done the same in her own way.

I suppose you could have called it a happy ending, an emotionally devastated man who learns to love again, who finds happiness out of the wreckage and builds a future for himself. But, oh Kath, those walls came tumbling down again today - you always did have a flair for the dramatic. I wish you could see how news of you has set Starfleet buzzing.

I know I'll always love her, and I have to admit it helps to know what happened. The sense of resolution is something I have been missing for a long time, the answer to the mystery of their disappearance. I think I always knew her destiny lay amidst the stars.

My life is different now - I have a home, a wife, it's far removed from my time with Kathryn, but her memory clings to me, she's a stubborn ghost. I can't help wondering about her life, is she happy, sad, lonely? Is the burden she carries now too much for her? Where does she go when she needs to get away, who does she go to? Is she eating enough?

That's a memory which makes me smile. She never ate properly when she was away on missions. She used to come home several pounds lighter and I'd complain about having to feed her up again.

If I close my eyes and count to ten I can see her, that last time, recall every detail of our final conversation. If I'd known I would have told her…so many things. Oh damn you Kathryn, it isn't the same anymore!

I haven't really let her go. I suppose you could say that I'm not in love with her now, or at least that's the convenient explanation. I think I'll always be a little in love with her.

I don't know how long it will take her to get home, a lifetime perhaps. I wish her well on her journey, she'll always have a piece of my heart - and I'll keep a good thought for her.

The End

Based on lyrics from ‘The Road’, by Everything But The Girl.