Through This Dark Night - part 9

CJ awoke abruptly, heart racing, a strangled cry on her lips. She buried her head in the soft, luxuriant pillows and took deep, calming breaths. The nightmare had been a tangled mix of the real and the surreal, making reassurance just that bit harder to find; because after all the traumatic events that had dominated her dreams had only happened a few hours ago.

She rolled over and squinted at the clock on the nightstand - 4.15am. She'd been asleep for about two hours, in another two hours it would be time to start preparing for the President's statement. Was it really worth trying to go back to sleep? Especially since she had the excuse of work to hide behind. It was a far easier option than facing her fear about what sleep might bring.

There was a chink of light where the door to adjoining room had been left slightly open. Toby was probably still awake, he was too stubborn to go to sleep when the statement wasn't finished to his exacting standards. She'd fallen asleep to the sound of him reading out what he'd written to date, a reaction that was less of a reflection on the text and more to do with the fact that she was exhausted.

CJ pushed herself out of bed and padded to the door in search of company. However, the sight of Toby fast asleep on the couch with papers all over him was more than slightly amusing. She guessed they wouldn't be having any late night conversations - it was probably just as well; getting closer to Toby wasn't a good plan. Not until she'd sorted through some feelings, perhaps not at all.

She watched him for a moment longer - envying him the neat, still sleep and as she turned away she heard the unmistakable sound of a door opening and closing further along the corridor. It wasn't all that surprising to learn that she wasn't the only one unable to sleep.

Opening the door to the main hall she was just in time to see a familiar back creeping downstairs - well as much as you can creep when your every move is dogged by two secret service agents. She followed in his wake, surprised when he didn't head for the Oval Office - but instead slipped along the corridor and into the White House kitchen. The agents guarding the door shared a nod of greeting as she entered - to find the President of the United States emptying milk into a saucepan.

'Sir?'

'I couldn't sleep,' he said glancing over at her, 'you having problems as well?' She nodded and he gestured to a stool, 'pull up a chair, I'm making hot milk, with a touch a nutmeg in it - this is what my mother used to give me when I couldn't sleep.'

'Has there been any news?'

'Josh is still unconscious - they aren't worried, yet.' He didn't need to add that if Josh didn't wake up soon things would become far more serious. 'I was just in Zoe's room, watching her sleep. I haven't done that for years, not since she was a little girl. And all I keep thinking is that I'm the President of the United States, most people would consider me to be incredibly powerful - and I can't keep my own daughter safe. I'm starting to wonder what the point of all this power is, if I can't even do that.'

'I asked Toby something like that when we were at the hospital.' CJ said, painfully aware that she did not have an answer for him - but perhaps that was the point, that there was no definitive answer - wasn't that what Toby had been trying to say to her.

'And what did Toby have to say?'

'That showing up to make the decisions and standing your ground in defence of them are part of the same process and that sometimes there's a risk attached to that.'

'Just what I'd expect from Toby - no soft soap, no gift-wrapping, just the truth. I often wonder how he can see with such clarity, see things in terms of black and white and yet - he can manipulate messages, he can hide things with words - it doesn't seem as though the two skills should be compatible somehow.'

'I suppose he would say its about ends and means - that sometimes he has to make a choice about getting a candidate into power and what he believes in, I don't know how he reconciles it.'

'Its not easy to get close to Toby. How's he doing?'

'He's asleep - judging by the amount of paper he's cocoons in he's made quite a lot of progress on the statement.' The President poured the milk into two mugs and added a pinch of nutmeg to each.

'And how are you?'

'I want to say fine,' she said blowing on the hot milk before taking a sip, 'but I'm not really, I'm confused, afraid, worried to death about one of my closest friends and I don't think I like America as much as I did yesterday.'

'The fight just got one hell of a lot harder - but we are going to stand our ground.' He frowned, looking sad and distant for a moment, 'well, I am. You have to decide for yourself whether you want to continue to take the risk of standing beside me.'

'I serve at the pleasure of the President,' she reminded him and then, feeling a little embarrassed when he blinked back tears she took another sip of the milk, 'this is very good by the way.'

'Thank you. I was wondering about you and Toby earlier,' he observed conversationally, 'you seemed, closer than normal,' - she wasn't fooled for a moment, he was fishing.

'Toby and I made a deal - after the shooting, that we were going to get through this night together - I don't think I could have done it without him.'

'Are you sure that's all?'

'No.' He hadn't been expecting that answer, she could tell by the way he looked up at her, 'I really don't know. I'm not sure how much I should trust what I'm feeling at the moment. I mean if after going through something like this, if after such a traumatic experience you start to feel closer to someone who shared that with you, are those real feelings, or are they just a mixture of shock and gratitude?' She was a little surprised at herself for poring all this out and guilty when she realised that she'd chosen a confident with a few more important things to think about right now. 'I'm sorry sir, I shouldn't have told you all that I...'

'CJ, its fine. I think you're right to be cautious. I also think that you're probably going to have to work this one out for yourself - Toby isn't going to push you, or pursue you. Not unless you drop some pretty broad hints anyway. He's a pretty good guy, for all he's an enormous pain in the ass - it might be worth giving yourselves both the opportunity to find out if there's anything there.'

'It isn't that simple - there are other people involved - potentially.' Realising that she wasn't making much sense she offered, 'its a complicated situation.'

'Clearly,' he smiled at her over the rim of his mug, 'but as much as I like Danny, I'm pulling for Toby.'

'CJ?' Toby was sitting up , rubbing his face as she re-entered the guest room.

'Did I wake you?'

'I don't think so,' he stretched and several sheets of paper drifted to the floor, 'has anything happened?'

'The President and I have just shared some hot milk.'

'OK.'

'There's no news,' she told him.

'You couldn't sleep?'

'I woke up - nightmares.' He nodded and she got the impression that perhaps he understood rather too well. 'How's the statement?'

'Well, I'm concerned about its soporific effect - you were asleep before I reached the end of the first paragraph.'

'You have a very soothing voice,'

'Thank you,' his expression told her that he hadn't bought her attempt to placate him for one minute. 'Actually, I am finding it difficult to strike the right note. I can't seem to concentrate, I keep seeing Sam, Josh, Leo falling to the ground, you collapsing. I should be able to write this, but perhaps I'm not as detached as I ought to be.'

'And perhaps you should stop trying to be something you aren't. It happened Toby, we were both there and so was the President. There's no point trying to be detached, trying to make him sound detached - because he isn't.' He looked at her for a long moment as though she'd enlightened him about some monumental truth.

'You're right.'

'Surprised?'

'Yes,' she raised an eyebrow and he amended his response to, 'not really.' He balled up several sheets of paper and tossed them across the room in disgust. 'You realise that we have to start again, from the very beginning.'

It wasn't a difficult choice for CJ to make - either a few more hours of disturbed rest and sleep filled with nightmares, or fighting with Toby over a speech - a fight he'd undoubtedly win.

'You don't need me here, you won't listen to a word I say.'

'I know that - but you can be a stimulating companion.' As she sat down beside him on the couch she asked,

'Toby are you trying to say you need me?'

'Absolutely not - go back to bed, what do I care?' Unmoved she pointed out

'We've got two hours, we don't have time to fight - start writing.'

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