The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddy who can count and keep the score.What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"
"11 sir" said the caddy.
"Good, you'll do perfectly."
Gary and Jesse were out for their usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what,
Gary let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you ten dollars that I score lower
than you do. "
"Sounds good."
And they were off. They matched scores for the first 10 holes, things were getting
tight when they teed off on the 11th. After their drives, Gary could not find his
golf ball. He looked all over, but with no luck.
"Jesse, help me look for the ball dammit!"
"I'll look around over here, Gary, but don't forget--a lost ball counts as stroke and
distance!"
Gary looked around some more, but couldn't find the ball. Finally, out of
desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it on the ground when
Jesse was not looking. "Jesse, I've found it!" he yelled.
Jesse exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought you'd stoop to cheating
for ten bucks!" "What do you mean 'cheater'? Gary replied, I found my ball and
I'll play it where it lies!" Jesse replied, "That's not your golf ball! I've been
standing on your ball for five minutes!"
Submitted by Paul J. Levy
3 old men are about to get started for 18 holes one day when the starter
asks if they would mind a young lady joining them. When they see a
beautiful and veluptuous blonde, they accept readily!
For 17 holes, this blonde golfs horribly. On the 18th hole, a par 5, she manages to reach the green in 4, but has a 40' put to sink for par. "I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could only sink this putt", she exclaims.
Thinking as old men do, each offers assistance in turn. The first only man says, "hold your hands tight together and aim about 6 inches right of the hole."
The second says, "No, no, aim just left of the hole and make sure to hit it firm so as not to leave it short!"
The 3rd gentleman surveys the hole carefully and says, "Ah, it's a gimme!"
Religious
Submitted by Sue McGurran
The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine who are superior - Jews or Catholics - by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."
Submitted by I. J. Cohen
Jesus and Moses were golfing one day. When they came to a hole with a
water hazard in front of the green, Moses told Jesus to lay up short and
chip to the green.
Jesus said "Arnold Palmer can make the green from here, so can I."
Jesus shot and landed in the water. Jesus said "Darn", walked on the water,reached in and got his ball. He walked back, dropped
his ball and swung again. Again he landed in the water.
After Jesus retrieved his ball for the third time, Moses again told him to lay up short but, Jesus wouldn't listen, insisting that if Arnold could make it so could he.
After hitting the ball for the fourth time, he went to go get it.
While he was standing on the water two golfers came over the hill. One
shouted at Moses, "Who does he think he is, Jesus"?.
"No" shouted Moses, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer".
A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoke into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"
Submitted by Patrick Murphy
Joe: Bill,what do you do when there is a thunderstorm on the
golf course?
Bill: I hold my 1 iron straight up in the air.
Joe: Why?
Bill: Because,even GOD couldn't hit a 1 iron!
Submitted by Michael Wiederholt
Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water
hazard.Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water.Next, Moses tees up
and also hooks it into the water. The theard guy comes up to the tee and as
he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as
well.
All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks up to the water and
strikes it with his sand wedge.The water parts and he hits it onto the
fairway. Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top of the
water and Jesus pulls out his 5 iron and hits onto the green. The theard guy
just stands there a moment, all of a sudden a fishereagle dives from the sky
grabs the theard guys ball out of the water carries it to the green and
drops it into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "That's the last time
we play with your dad.
Submitted by Andrew John Orchard
One Sunday morning a Catholic priest wakes up and notices it's a gorgeous day - so beautiful that he couldn't possibly turn away from playing golf.
So he decides to play but has one problem. The priest has to say Mass in just a couple of hours. The priest thinks, then asks the another priest if he would say his masses today because the first priest isn't feeling well. The other priest agrees.
So now the first priest is off to the golf course. He decides to play a little bit past town thinking that way no one could possibly see him playing golf, since he was suppose to be sick. Right before he tees off on the first hole, St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "Are you going to let him get away with that?"
Jesus replies "No, I guess not."
So the priest tees off on the first hole, the longest par 4 on the course. He hits the ball and to his surprise sinks it in!!! A hole in one!!!
St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "I thought you weren't going to let him get away with lying?"
Jesus replies: "I'm not."
St. Peter then says, "Well, he just he a hole in one on the longest par 4 of the course!!!"
Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, "Yes, but who is he going to tell???"
Cool
Submitted by David L. DuBose
A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female
scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He
runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five
years.
"Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her
pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch.
"That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims.
"Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her
suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar.
"This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke
rings in the air.
As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry
smile, "Would you like to play around?"
"Wow, you got golf clubs in there, too!??"
Submitted by John Langford ...of Canada
The tournament was over and everybody was back in the club
house except Fred and Gladys. Where could they be. Someone
shouts from the patio, "Here comes Fred, I think he's hurt."
Fred was holding a blood soaked towel to his head. What
happened? someone asked. "Well",said Fred. I took my shot on
the sixteenth and sliced it right into the field with all
the cows. Gladys laughed and said, "let me show you how"
Well, she did the same thing. Right in amongst the cows. We
both went to look for our balls. I found mine quickly. I
then noticed this cow rubbing it's rear against a fence
post. I walked over slowly and lifted it's tail and low and
behold there was a golf ball. Gladys, come here, I said. I
lifted the tail again and asked her, does that look like
yours? Well she went crazy and attacked me with her nine
iron. That's the reason for all these cuts and bruises.
Ungrateful @$#%&*!
Submitted by Gary L. Stewart
Two new neighbors were paired up to play a round together. They were playing behind two ladies who were playing rather slowly. One of the guys suggested that his buddy go ask them if they could play through.
When the first guy returned he explained that he could not say anything because one of the ladies was his wife and the other his mistress.
The second guy proceeded to walk up the fairway but retuned before reaching the ladies explaining he had the same problem.
Submitted by Paul J. Levy
3 old men are about to get started for 18 holes one day when the starter
asks if they would mind a young lady joining them. When they see a
beautiful and veluptuous blonde, they accept readily!
For 17 holes, this blonde golfs horribly. On the 18th hole, a par 5, she manages to reach the green in 4, but has a 40' put to sink for par. "I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could only sink this putt", she exclaims.
Thinking as old men do, each offers assistance in turn. The first only man says, "hold your hands tight together and aim about 6 inches right of the hole."
The second says, "No, no, aim just left of the hole and make sure to hit it firm so as not to leave it short!"
The 3rd gentleman surveys the hole carefully and says, "Ah, it's a gimme!"
The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball. The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
Inbetween Holes - A lady and some of her freinds were out golfing at the local Country Club. While out on the course a Bee lands on her and stings her. After finshing their round of golf the lady goes to the Pro.Shop and tell's them about the Bee. The golf Pro asks her where she was bit, and she says it was between the 1st.and 2nd.hole.
The Pro say well I know what your problem is "your stance is to wide."
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.
Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling -Gama Su!, Gama Su!-.
Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!. Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?".
Submitted by Susan Germyn
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.
She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Misc...
Submitted by Robert James
A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway,landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn and safely back out to the fairway, or try a long shot 3 iron down beside the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.
Well, needless to say the man didn't play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn. Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said,"No..look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green."
The man said " Are you kidding me? Don't you know what happened last time I tried that shot?"
The friend looked puzzled. "What happened?"
"I took a 7".
The arrogant "know it all" golfer, teed up at the first hole a 320 yard par 4.
As he was standing on the tee he told his caddie "This hole only needs a good drive
and a putt. Give me the driver"
He took his stance and topped his ball right in to a tree. The ball bounced back and
landed 10 feet in front of him.
As he walked towards the ball the caddie handed over the putter and said "And now
we'll see one hell of a putt"
Submitted by Richard Baluyot
The man that invented 'golf' and said it was 'fun' is the same guy that invented 'bagpipes' and said it was 'Music'.
Submitted by Wayne A. Lynch
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Submitted by Robby Dunn
An ardent golfer visited the fortune teller with one thing on his mind. He asked the fortune teller: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortune teller replied: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
"What's the good news?", asked the golfer.
"The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are the most beautiful you could imagine!"
Amazed, the golfer asked "How could there be any bad news with that?"
The fortune teller said: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."
What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?
It's still your turn!
Technology
One day a prospective member came to an exclusive country club and wanted to try out the course before he joined. When he asked about a caddy, the club pro told him all were taken. But they did have three experimental robot caddies that looked like R2D2 from Star Wars.
He explained that each would follow you on the course. It would carry everything, including an umbrella and drinks, it would track your shot, keep score and find your ball, estimate the club that you needed based on your previous shots, and would warn you of all hazards and obstacles ahead of you.
The prospective member agreed to try one, and went on to shoot the best round of his life. He came back, joined the club, and made a tee time for the next week.
When he returned, he asked for the robot caddy, but was told they were no longer available. Of course, he asked what happened.
The pro told him that one day,the sun reflected off the shiny surface of the robot into the eyes of a bus driver, who ran off the road and had an accident in which several children were injured, so they couldn't send them out again.
Well," the new member said, "why don't you just dress them with some of those clothes left in the locker room all the time to cover up the shiny parts?"
"We tried that," the pro replied, "but one thought he was Paine Stewart and wouldnt caddy for anyone unless they were wearing knickers, one thought he was Fuzzy Zoeller and wanted to just tell everyone about himself and his career, and one thought he was Greg Norman -- he keeps humming the theme from Jaws and we can't get him out of the water hazard on number 7."
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"
"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into therough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake,a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes."
"That's great. Where did you get it?" "I found it."
Hackers & Duffers
Playing golf for the first time with a new acquaintace, we were on the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left.
My new playing partner takes out a brand new sleeve of balls, tees one up and immediately hits it into the water on the right.
Seemingly unconcerned, he takes another ball from the sleeve and hits it into the ravine. Then he takes the last ball from the sleeve and hits it into the water.
Going back to his bag, he reaches in and pulls out another brand new sleeve of balls.
"Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
"I've never had an old ball", he replied.
What's's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
Addiction
Harry got home from his round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked him.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Barney had a heart attack and died on the 11th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Barney, hit the ball, drag Barney."
Submitted by Robert James
A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway,landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn and safely back out to the fairway, or try a long shot 3 iron down beside the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.
Well, needless to say the man didn't play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn. Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said,"No..look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green."
The man said " Are you kidding me? Don't you know what happened last time I tried that shot?"
The friend looked puzzled. "What happened?"
"I took a 7".
I was playing this hole one time with a senior citizen and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared. I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by? He said, "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could do in this case. I was married to the woman for 40 years!"
Bad Shots
"I still hit bad shots, but it never was pretty with me. There was always a lot of snortin' and sweatin' and bitchin'. I was full of blood, sweat and tears" - Curtis Strange, 1994
"No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine." - Lee Trevino
"I hate a hook. It nauseates me. I could vomit when I se one. It's like a rattle-snake in your pocket." - Ben Hogan, 1955
Pressure
"My butterflies are still going strong. I just hope they are flying in formation." - Larry Mize (on playing with a big lead)
"A lot of guys who have never choked, have never been in the position to do so." - Tom Watson
"You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars a hole with only two in your pocket." - Lee Trevino
Golf is ...
"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six and write down five." - Paul Harvey
"Golf is a good walk spoiled." - Mark Twain
"Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer." - Tommy Bolt
Stating the Obvious
"The game gets a lot easier when you drive it in the fairway... I'm not going to win every week." - John Huston, 1994
"The only shots you can be dead sure of are those you've had already." - Byron Nelson
Competition
"Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears." - Bobby Jones
"I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games." - Ben Hogan
"Victory is everyting. You can spend the money, but you can never spend the memories." - Ken Venturi
Other
"It's a torture chamber, if we had to play it every day I don't think I'd be playing golf." - Ian Woosenam
"She thinks people are crazy to complain about life on the tour. 'You don't have to cook, make beds, or clean house - it's great.'" - Loren Roberts (quoting of his wife)
"My Wife always said she wanted to marry a millionaire. Well, she made me a millionaire. I used to be a multi-millionaire." - Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don't you? - Ben Hogan
"It's the most fun I've ever had with my clothes on." - Lee Trevino
"In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference." - Ben Wicks
"As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round." - Ben Hogan
PLEASE NOTE: THIS SITE TO REMAIN CLONE-FREE.
Everything here was either created by me or was handed over to me by the original authors/keepers. As I do not appreciate the fact that the millions of other bandwagon Golf web pages are all mindless copies of one another, I ask that you please respect the authors of the material on this site and do not post it elsewhere, except where given permission to do so. Thank you...Jason.
