Things to learn from the Cthulu Mythos

The Lessons learned:

• 1) If you find a text in ancient Arabic, leave it be. Under no circumstances should you try to translate it.
• 2) If you begin to have strange dreams of impossible angles and buildings, get a doctor to prescribe VERY powerful dream suppressants.
• 3) Never take scrolls into woods at night, especially by yourself.
• 4) Always listen to local superstitions.
• 5) Under no circumstances should you go to a place of ancient druidic worship.
• 6) Always make people well aquatinted with the occult your best friend. Unless of course he starts to speak in a language never known to man, then shoot him many times, cement him in a box, drop him in the deepest part of the Pacific, and then hope that he doesn’t find you.
• 7) Summoning Cthugha isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
• 8) If a long lost friend shows up out of the blue, be suspicious.
• 9) If a relative you don’t remember leaves you anything, sell it and hope that whoever gets it is extremely stupid.
• 10) If a friend you thought was lost shows up, run, screaming for whatever god you believe in to protect you.
• 11) If you and a friend are running from the old ones, and your friend trips, ALWAYS save him, otherwise, you will regret it.
• 12) If you aren’t supposed to look at a stone, don’t look at it.
• 13) Mistakonic University isn’t a place you want to have anything to do with.
• 14) The mid-west United States is one of the safest places you’ll ever find.
• 15) ANY coastal city is doomed, as are the inhabitants.
• 16) If you wake up and you are painting strange symbols, or pictures, you’d best kill yourself, or risk being possessed.
• 17) Avoid ANY book with a title possessing any of the following (Or derivatives of): Necronomicon, Secrets, Worm, Hastur, Yellow King, Cultes, Ghoules, Cthulhu, R’lyeh, or anything in a tongue which you can not recognize. (Especially if that tongue has anything to do with Arabic!)
• 18) If it’s a find which will make you famous, bury it again, because there is a REASON why it was buried in the first place.
• 19) Avoid anyplace that smells like seawater, especially if you are no place near the sea, for it is a sure sign of Cthulhu’s minions being around.
• 20) Never use the following three words in a sentence: Ia Cthulhu Fhtagn! It brings very bad things. Trust me on this.
• 21) Any long words with very few vowels, DO NOT TRY TO PRONOUNCE.
• 22) Avoid the following cities: Arkham, Innsmouth, Portsmouth, Salem, Melincourt, and anyplace which superstition says to avoid.
• 23) Always trust the first instinct.
• 24) If someone disappears, only to reappear in a few days, run like hell.
• 25) Remember total dispersion of molecules is the only sure way of death.
• 26) The great old ones can show you sights, but at too great a cost.
• 27) There is a reason that nobody goes in that church.
• 28) There is a reason why everyone avoids certain areas of the countryside.
• 29) If you happen to get caught by the great old ones, it’s normally too late, but in case of capture, remember this, your religion will save you 9 times out of 10.. If you don’t have a religion, get one FAST.
• 30) Trading minds and bodies with a great old one is NOT a good thing.
• 31) Angles are the devils work.
• 32) NEVER travel through time too far.
• 33) Plaster up all angles in your room.
• 34) The safest shape in the known universe is a sphere.
• 35) Nothing bad can happen to you, as long as you remember one thing. Mind your own business.
• 36) Superstitions are not meant to be studied and taken apart.
• 37) Journalism is the most dangerous profession in the world.
• 38) If you MUST call up a great old one, be absolutely certain that you can protect yourself.
• 39) The human race is too ignorant to know any sort of danger when it presents itself.
• 40) If anyone speaks of Shagooth, run very fast, do not look back, and pray to whatever god you believe in.
• 41) If you know the elder sign, then you are protected from minor annoyances in life.
• 42) Unfortunately, it doesn’t protect you from the great old ones.
• 43) There are no good great old ones.
• 44) Humans are eternally optimistic.
• 45) If you like forbidden pleasures, you are in serious danger.
• 46) Never try to look at a great old one, you WILL go crazy.
• 47) If you have a life threatening experience involving the great old ones, only the town drunkard will believe you. (Why do you think he’s drunk?)
• 48) Any old, decrepit and blackened church is evil.
• 49) Any unnaturally smooth stone is evil.
• 50) Any old ruins under the sea, or above the sea for that matter, are INCREDIBLY evil.
• 51) If someone asks you to participate in a sacrifice, don’t.
• 52) If someone commands you to participate in a sacrifice, move.
• 53) If they still persist, commit hara kiri.
• 54) Death is better than living in some circumstances.
• 55) I said DON’T mess with the superstitions!
• 56) If you are chosen by someone to be a dark priest, you still aren’t safe.
• 57) If you find an old room in your house that was hidden behind the wall, forget about it quickly.
• 58) Never kill a sorcerer.
• 59) If you decide that you have to cross the threshold, be prepared to die rather painfully.
• 60) If a great old one possesses a body, it CAN be killed.
• 61) Souls are not something to trifle with.
• 62) The human mind when explored, normally leads to trouble.
• 63) If being chased by followers of the great old ones, NEVER go underground, they have more power there.
• 64) If a island suddenly appears in the ocean, sail away VERY fast.
• 65) If you find a bas-relief of an old ancient and very ugly creature, bury it again.
• 66) If you are the main character, kill yourself and save yourself all the horror.
• 67) Never go anyplace without knowledge of the local superstitions.

Hope you liked it!

Brad

Back to home!

Back home