Until My Hands Have Dried:
Hold me.
COMPULSIVE PARTICIPATION
I can't even walk out a door,
*~isabel
Do you feel my blood running ice cold?
Tighter.
These firecrackers are hurling about the chambers of my heart.
Do you feel me?
I am suffering. I see horror before my eyes.
Sinful deeds. Wicked villians.
Please, make them go away. The voices in my head.
I hear them. I am consumed.
My veins are swelling. Cold, thick blood.
Free me... just for a while.
Cleanse me with water.
Let me feel it gushing between my icy fingers
Hotter, Hotter, let it burn and steam...
And the voices will silence themselves
... Until my hands are dry again.
An OCD Teen
Something's dragging me back,
have to touch it once more.
I can't ever look at things straight,
Want to be in it, see with it, one more tap,
there goes hate.
Nothing ever seems to be right,
I'm forced to hundreds of times flick the light.
No comfort in sleeping, something has to be done,
No matter how stupid, or pointless the run,
Im loving your name so i say it again,
Taste the words as they drip off my mouth.........
im insane.
Trying to protect things i can't control,
May seem deep to the rest, but to me, that's my role.
Making up things to do, to try to protect you,
Let not harm come, must invent something new,
Might be a different pattern or order of taps,
Might be a new number or word i adapt.
Mutter the phrases, it seems so sureal,
To say something over, just for a "right" feel.
Become obsessed with some numbers,
One to ten i count on my fingers,
Sylabals, they've got feelings too,
You dont notice im counting them,
like im counting you.
Im counting the number of times you speak,
watching the way that you eat.
Alphabet fixation when obsession becomes dictation,
Don't make me do things that lead to compulsive participation.
Compulsive reality, compulsive like a knife,
Without it im nothing,
Im stuck in routine for the whole of my life.
xx
"The Battle of My Life"
I had been diagnosed with OCD,
It was the worst thing that ever could happen to me.
My medication wasn't right, I became very depressed,
My whole life changed, I was so worried, so stressed.
I was distant thinking no one would ever understand about this,
My old life I had loved, there was so much to miss.
One day as I sat there in my room,
It filled with darkness, sacredness, and gloom.
I saw my life flash before my eyes,
No one could help me or hear my cries.
I heard two voices as I reached for the knife,
One said "Don't do it", the other said "Die."
As I listened to the second voice,
I slit my wrist making no noise.
I looked down and I started to cry,
Because that's when I realized I wanted to die.
I told my friend everything that next day,
She took me to the counselor, said it'd be OK.
They had me call my mom, told her I wanted to die,
I got so scared when I heard her cry.
She took me to the emergency room,
I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital,
"Sarah is crazy",my schoolmates would assume.
I was released within a week,
Coming home, comfort I did seek.
But instead when I returned to school,
No one talked to me, I felt like a fool.
Being so open with my friends,
I thought they'd still stay,
Instead it just scared them and pushed them away.
I made a mistake by telling a certain friend,
I thought that she'd keep my secret 'till the end.
But she had told everyone, I had come to realize,
When I walked into school, seeing so many pairs
of intense, staring eyes.
So I threatened her in an aggressive way,
She had done this to me, now she would pay.
But as I thought some more,
I decided enough is enough,
I would take away that barrier and not be so tough.
We listened to each other, talked things out,
There was no more conflict, no more doubt.
Since my 7th grade year I've come so far,
And when things get hard I just remember that times
can get better, as bad as they are.
For all the people who ask about this I won't admit,
What I did, I just sit,
and think about what would have happened if I died,
I think of all the things I would've missed out on,
and
again, I cried.
"These Damn Thoughts"
All these thoughts race through my head,
From the first moment I awake in my bed.
So many thoughts that I can't control,
So many thoughts consuming my soul.
These thoughts make me have the need to do certain things,
So much pain and annoyance these thoughts do bring.
All at once, so many things are happening to me,
I wish these obsessions would let me be free.
But as long as I live these thoughts will last,
Racing through my mind so very fast.
"She's The Only One Who Could See.."
Everyone tried to understand,
But they couldn't, it was like she was in her own land.
One with black skies and rivers of blood,
And it seemed like in her house
there was always a flood.
She walked around with a sad look on her face,
And slits on her wrists, it was such a disgrace.
Everyone else was happy, and it seemed
like she was the only person,
Who could see what was wrong with
that world they were in.
http://www.members.tripod.com/cruella215/
Luv~Sarah J.
The Power to Overcome
Obvious power over my life,
Controlling my every thought,
Dominated by you, struggling through every minute,
I'm always contemplating suicide.
My daily life has gone to sh**,
but Of course I know
That you reign supreme over me.
Hours upon hours wasted on you.
Every new day you always
Return with more power, more fury.
F*@*ing idiots that say they
Understand all my pain,
Come on in and try it for just one day.
Killing my nerves will do me no good,
Inside of me a war rages.
Nights of endless thoughts,
Giving into every fu@*ing fear.
Living the ultimate defiance
Of myself, of sanity in a world
Accepting of absolutely nothing I do.
This f*@*ing disease is destroying me.
Horrible weights thrown onto me.
Every f*@*ing part of
You is the personification
Of all that detests and infuriates me.
Unfortunately, I'm stuck with you. AND I WILL WIN.
Poem written by Mike C. 4/98
Victory March
Hey, you, OCD
Do you think you've got control of me?
In the past, that was true
But now I'm far stronger than you.
Found the strength to resist
Compulsions that used to always persist.
The clock ticks on, you fade away,
While I live to see another day.
You led me to drugs and attempts at suicide,
But now I have nothing to hide.
The blood has stopped pouring,
Depression is less controlling.
Life actually seems to be a little fun,
Because with this disease, I'm done.
I still have other battles to fight,
But with you dead, I'll go with far less fright.
Now, I will lead others to victory,
By spreading my lowly story.
A true one, one of years of pain,
But I finally have control of my own domain.
OCD, you took my life, and now I have it back with glory,
And I will devote myself to other's victory.
Song written by Mike C. 7/25/98
