Different.
The word dances on my tongue in both glorious, and dreadful ways. My minds tends to enjoy the agony of racing beyond its limit, yet a yellow haze of doom weights down on any happyness I should be feeling.
Why am I different.
A house sits cozy and abandoned on a deserted island, watching the waters with no joy. A small child stands on her tippy-toes, observing the life swarming and sinking around her, ...yet still is not a part of it.
Manifesto of hate...burning desire, begging to be real. A fantasy overcomes every nuance of the gut-wrenching loss of control that proceeds...new worlds, new distractions. Anything to keep away the damned tears of something we don't know and can't explain.
Some people wonder what the defenition of "crazy" is. I believe the entire world is crazy in it's own defenition. The word exists in its own reality, its own tapestry of sterio-types and guilt. But we're all unique...each blue-print of existence differing from the next. There is a fire, dim yet strong, that burns in all of us,...a different one in each singular soul which graces the earth. How can we not all think different? How can we not all have the very pit of something, a rare and golden jewel, that can't be burned nor touched?
That can't be destroyed, no matter how much you want it to.
The feeling you get isn't under your control. It thrashes here and there...clapping vibrations into your head. An impulse. A beat. And you just know...in a sence of intuition that only we possess,...that somethings wrong. Something isn't right.
And your different.
I've had many conflicting thoughts regarding this state of being. Maybe I'm burning a tunage of something I can't control...letting it stick the wound in too deep. Maybe the secret...the rusted brass key that myself and all must discover...is just excepting. This is who we are.
My mind is a beautiful thing. It's twisted, it bursts in violent bundles of the most rare thought and explicit agony...but it has its own drum...its own beat. In the words of a particular author; anyone can be placed in an institution. We all can be thought of as "unbalanced" at one point or another in our lives. Because we all are. None of us reach a certain quota...none of us were born with the ability to repress something that's ours alone.
Sitting on a fresh pile of grass, bathing suit on, sprinkler doing its task of envigerating the earth. Waiting for the sun to come up. Crying when it doesn't. That's the metaphorical state. That is who I am. Perhaps, through the thin rays of painful gut-wrenching horror of a non-existence and isolation in this world...there are flickers of sunlight.
We just have to see it in our own mind.
An OCD Teen
Hopeless World
As I gaze my eyes deceive me,
What I see just cannot be,
Deathly spinning as we,
Fall forever into eternity.
---
Twisting and turning we drop away,
Lost hopes for another day,
Wasted tries to repay,
Suicide the only way.
---
Tripping through the paths of time,
What is yours is never mine,
Searching for the answer blind,
Our fears are quick to chase behind.
---
As this life goes by the fire inside,
Burns and scars all we hide,
All our freedoms have been denied,
In learning that our parents lied.
---
Blood showers will pour,
The blackened hearts will cry for more,
The remains shoved beneath the floor,
Just as they were before.
---
You pull the trigger, you swipe the blade,
Now your ending becomes made,
All your debt are now paid,
Prepare to be forever laid.
---
Hopeless world, Hopeless world, Hopeless world, Hopeless world...
Written by Mike C. 1998
LISTEN
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you
Listen.
When you do something for me that I can do for myself,
So please listen and just hear me.
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving
advice, you have not done what I ask.
tell me why I should not feel that way,
you have trapped my feelings.
have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
All I ask is that you listen.
Not talk or do...just listen and hear me.
I can do for myself. I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince
you and get about the business of understanding what's
behind this irrational feeling and when that's clear,
the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand them.
Perhaps that is why prayer works sometimes for some people,
because God is mute and doesn't give advice or try
to fix things. He just listens and lets you
work it out yourself.
And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn and I'll listen to you.
(author unknown)
Thank You
Sitting in the corner of my room some months ago, weeping from the amount of pain my obsessions were giving me. The doubt that I had schizophrenia, the doubt that I might hurt someone, or that I was paranoid.
People go about their daily lives, never having to face their most deep horrible fears. Sometimes they will, and it will be bad for them, but they get over it and might not have to face it again....
We live each day facing our biggest fears. Not just every day, but every minute of everyday.
I know I am going through something right now, but I came to a realization tonight....
Sitting in the corner of my room some months ago, weeping from the amount of pain my obsessions were giving me. The doubt that I had schizophrenia, the doubt that I might hurt someone, or that I was paranoid. People go about their daily lives, never having to face their most deep horrible fears. Sometimes they will, and it will be bad for them, but they get over it and might not have to face it again....
We live each day facing our biggest fears. Not just every day, but every minute of everyday.
If I told the strongest man on earth to live with their deepest core driven fear, they would not want to, or would they be able to handle it. We do. I wake up and face fears, I go to sleep and face fears, I leave the house and face fears, and then I put the other worries of life on top of that. No, no one told me it would be a picnic, I wasn't expecting a lifetime of unbridled love and hedonism, but I did not think I would be facing intense fears each day. WE DO....
and that is what makes us stronger, more courageous, more brilliant, and morein tune with what we know we are capable of than any other person on this planet. I am optimistic that we will not be dealing with this forever, but if we had to we would prevail.
I just want to tell everyone that when it gets hard, it gets hard. By no matter what means we will always stay on top, and if you make it out of this life with just having to survive OCD, than you are lucky. We all need a support group, but there is one inside all of us, or hearts, our will to thrive, our courage, and no matter how hard the waves are crashing against us, we will always stay afloat.
When I look at myself in a corner weeping some months ago, I don't see a meek boy terrified of life. I see a strong person fighting to win in life.
Just a quick message to everyone who is feeling a little down at the moment.
I would just like to point out that we
OCDers are bloody fantastic.
We have amazing coping skills (believe it or not) as we have to face our greatest
fears on a daily basis. It is a well known fact that people gain strength through adversity so each and everyone
one of us has a kind of strength far greater than the average person. Most of us have an above average IQ.
We are
usually very tolerant and have you ever met a nasty person with OCD? I think not. We make great house mates as
we are so very clean and we are superior actors as we manage to hide our illness from everyone.
Remember, normal
is boring. We're just great and that's all there is to it!
Keep smiling everyone,
Emma
