A Teen wrote:

I feel like I just want to die. It may just be because of my meds but either way i no longer really feel like being alive. I can no longer stand talking to people, their words mean nothing to me. They flow over me as though they weren't even spoken. This is a cry for help. I keep seeing images of me killing my self and that scares me. Please pray for me.

An OCD Teen

And nine hours later, she wrote (after lots of supportive answers from the list):

I didn't kill myself, but i did lie awake until five o'clock in the morning wondering what to do with myself. I eventually let myself fall asleep and my parents knew better than to wake me for church. They don't know about my suicidal thoughts but I did tell then that I didn't get to sleep until really late so they were nice about it. I'm feeling a little better this morning but am still confused about a lot of things. Thank you all for my overflowing mailbox of letters to support me in my rough times. It means so much to know that people who understand what I'm going through care so much about when you don't even know me. I love you all!

~An OCD Teen

Teens, it's again time to address a couple of really tough questions about OCD and depression. First, let me add my support for ********* to all those of you that have already written. We DO care, *********! That's why we're all here; we've all been through rough times, and we may go through more of them. Helping each other means some of us can be strong while a few of us need help, and when our turn comes to receive help we can count on the others. That's the idea of "community."

First, though, we need to separate "suicidal ideations" (thoughts of inviting death as a relief and wishes to die or to kill ourselves) from "suicidal obsessions" (FEARS that we might hurt ourselves, NOT desires to do so). Sometimes when we have death thoughts that scare us, it's hard to tell the difference, and so ANY thoughts about suicide need to be taken seriously. But if you can separate them out, the first are signs of depression and are more likely to end up in hurting one's self, and the other is a sign of OCD, and is unlikely to end up in self-harm (although it will certainly increase anxiety).

Depression goes along with OCd so often that we always have to be on guard for it; it is also a feature of teenage life much more often than adults want to realize. *********, you did a good thing by reaching out, and another one by waiting. Even after only 9 hours, you felt better. It may feel impossible to wait another 9 hours next time, but remember this event. Suicide is a long-term solution to a short-term problem. You never get another chance to change your mind if you succeed; and the scariest part is that most attempts don't succeed in doing anything more than REALLY injuring yourself.

Everyone with any serious life stressor (like OCD) will go through periods of wondering whether it's worth going on; yet when the event is over or the problem is effectively treated, 100% of people are glad to still be alive. Depression can warp our reality so that suicide seems to be the only way out. It's as much of a terrorist as OCD, but in some ways even more insidious, because we can't always tell when we're getting depressed until we're already there. Watch for the warning signs (see the 10 Cognitive Distortions list on the angelfire site) and let people know if you feel yourself sliding down. And by all means, MAKE A CRY FOR HELP LIKE ********* DID! That was enormously brave to do, insightful on her part and maybe even desperate, but definitely NOT insane.

Thanks to all of the list that responded as fast as you all did - you prove the usefulness of the list as support when others aren't available or don't get it. Meanwhile, if you're feeling depressed (even if you've never mentioned it to your doctor before) tell someone that will listen.
Hopefully you can tell your doctor, and s/he can adjust or prescribe something to get you through this rough period. Having OCD is bad enough - don't let depression take away your will to fight it! And if you can't talk to your folks or your doc, and you've already emailed the list, then go outside. In the daylight, the sun will help your mood. Even in the nighttime, the sounds of the outside are much more likely to remind you of reasons to live than the silence of your room. You can always choose to die tomorrow, if you really have to. You can only choose to live in the present.

WB, *********!

dr.hat