My Random Thoughts
They say that the streets of heaven are paved with gold, so when I die I want to be buried with a little hammer and pick or something. I mean, wow, free gold!
Did you ever notice that when you are reading a really good book, some rude person always interrupts you? They're like, "What are you reading?" And I'm always like, "A book," and then they say something stupid like, "Is it good?" So I say, "I don't know, I can't read with you yakking my ear off," so they're like, "Okay, but I just wanted to order a cheeseburger." Whatever.
I hate it when you go into a hardware store and they give you a wrench when you ask for a wench. Or sometimes they give you a winch. One guy gave me a torch and I said, whoa, not even close, Jackson.
Most employers are looking for experience, training, leadership abilities - but I have something even better: a little monkey named oh nevermind.
I believe that, someday, scientists will develop a rocket that can transport a person to the farthest reaches of our galaxy, and when this amazing feat of human ingenuity is accomplished, some courageous person will step aboard that glorious spacecraft and be shot into the deepest void of space, possibly never to be seen again, and I hope that person is Richard Simmons.
The Middle Ages were a great time to be alive, because if you weren't wiped out by the Plague or impaled by some marauding barbarian, then yippee.
When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me.
It's a myth that bats do not have eyes. Bats do have eyes. It's just that they don't use them for navigational purposes. Instead, they send and receive high frequency waves to detect obstacles and to guide them along. That's why I like to shoot them.
The next time you are talking to someone, look real close and you can see a small image of yourself in his pupil, only the small version of you has a big, big, knife.
I try to be calm with people who frighten very easily, because patience is a virtue. For example, once I had to wait patiently under this girl's bed for eight hours before she finally came home.
I find that little kids are just ungrateful. You try to do something fun for them and they repay you by vomiting on your shoes or something. Hey, weren't you just laughing hysterically for ten minutes while I was spinning you around in that chair?
As I sat in the supermarket office and waited for the cops to arrive, a thought came to me. Maybe when they say "No purchase necessary," it's like some kind of code or something, and you're not supposed to dump cereal all over the aisle to get the prize. Maybe if they hadn't taken away my little "Crunch-Berry Decoder," I could have figured it out.
There I was, at rush hour, flying along the far left lane in a string of traffic all doing 80mph, when suddenly the lady in front of me slammed on her brakes all becuse she waited too long to cross the 5 lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic to get to her exit which is now a mere 500 feet away. I could not have picked a worse day to forget the rocket launcher.
Life would be great if it weren't for people.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together
I've always wanted to be a slinky on an escalator. My goal in life is to go nowhere.
If I lost a dollar, how exactly would that affect the economy on the grand scale?
A grilled cheese sandwich left on a plate gets soggy on the down side
I love catching the soap after it slips out of your hand in the shower. What a rush!
I ask more questions in classes where I've got a clue than in ones where I'm totally lost.
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