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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Once a rich man went on a safari. As he was about to enter the jungle, his guide warned him, "The jungle is a dangerous place. There are tigers, poisonous snakes and other obvious dangers. But the most deadly of them all is the mysterious foo bird." "What makes it so dangerous?" the man asked. "The foo bird is a very territorial animal," the guide explained. "If you walk under a tree in which a foo bird nest, it will relieve itself on you." "Well, that certainly doesn't sound like much fun," the man replied, "but it doesn't sound dangerous." "There is more than that. You cannot wipe off the feces, or it will cause a chemical reaction that will immediately kill you." As this made little sense, the rich man had trouble believing it and didn't pay it much mind. A few hours later, they were walking through the jungle and a glob of foo bird feces hit him on top of the head. Before the guide could do or say anything, the man reached up and wiped it off. Sure enough, he dropped dead instantly. The moral of the story is: "If the foo shits, wear it."
Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde." The mortician asked "How can you tell? Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes."
Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents. That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm. The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!" Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!" So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweethearts birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique and bought the finest gloves available. He asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Heres the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart:
Darling, I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the salesgirl try them on for me and she really looked smart. I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing, and be sure to keep them on while cleaning them, so they won't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me friday night! All my love, p.s. The lastest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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