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A man was telling his friend one day, about this pain he was having in his right shoulder. His friend says, "There's this new machine at the mall. If you put 50˘ and a urine specimen in, it'll tell you what's wrong with you." The guy says, "Aw, hell! No machine can do that." but he figures, what the hell, 50˘ is 50˘. I gotta pee anyway. So he goes into the booth, pulls the curtain, pees in a cup, pours it into the machine and puts his 50˘ in. The lights start flashing, the bells start ringing, and it hands him this little card that says: YOU HAVE ARTHRITIS IN YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER. The guy says, "Hey! That was pretty good! Thats what I thought was wrong with me!" But on his way home from the mall, he starts thinking of ways to check out how good this machine really is. So he has his wife pee in a cup, and he has his daughter pee in a cup, and mixes it together. Now he's on his way out to the car to go back to the mall, when he sees his dog with his leg cocked. He runs over and holds the cup under his dog. He gets back in the car and wonders, what else can I do??? Suddenly he thinks, I know, I'll jack off in this cup. So he does the dirty deed and drives the specimen back to the mall. He pours it in the machine, and puts his 50˘ in. Well, the lights are flashing, the bells are ringing, smoke starts rolling out the top... and the machine hands him this great big ol' long card that says: YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, YOUR DAUGHTER HAS THE CLAP, YOUR DOG HAS MANGE, AND IF YOU DONT QUIT JACKING OFF, THAT RIGHT SHOULDER IS NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER!!!
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just slip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ !" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice the little guys says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ...... I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,.... "Thank God - I thought you said 'Turn around."
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