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A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle.  I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders.  "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got  it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said.  I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

A young guy and his boss were at work in a dildo store. The day was slow so the boss took off for a few hours, telling the guy (Sam) to sell as many dildo's as he could and to treat all custumers with the utmost attention. A few minutes after Sam's boss left, a white girl came in and asked, "How much for the black   dildo?" claiming she had never had a black man before. Sam thought it over and said, "For you twenty dollars because you are so fine. The white girl blushed and said, "Wrap it up." Sam did so and out the door she went. A few minutes later a black girl came in and was looking around. She spotted a big white dildo and said, "Oh my! How much for the big white dildo.   I have never had a white man before." Sam said, "For you, twenty dollars, because you are such a special custumer. She smiled and said, "Wrap it up." and out the door she went. Sam was so proud of himself. Two customers, two sales. About that time a blonde came in looking everywhere, claiming she needed something new, something different. Sam showed her all kind of dildos but to no avail. Finally she said, "OMG! How much for that plaid dildo? I have never had a plaid dildo!" Sam thought for a minute and replied, "For you, two hundred dollars. it's very rare but you are so special, I'll sell it to you." This made the blonde so happy, she said "Wrap it up! I have to have it!" Sam was really proud of himself now and when his boss walked in, he blurted out, "You are going to be so happy! I sold a black dildo, a white dildo, and oh yeah and I sold your thermos for two hundred dollars!!!"

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? " The accountant does not answer.  The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you. " The Godfather says "Well...ask him where the damn money is" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."   Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

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