My Joke page

Amusing Nascar jokes

A man came into a bar with his dog. A race was on the TV and the man asked where Waltrip was. 12th was the reply and with that the dog ran around the bar stool 12 times. A bit later the man again asked about Darrell, this time he was running 8th, and the dog took 8 laps around the stool. Again the man asked, " Where's Waltrip running now?" the barkeep said third and the dog took 3 laps around the stool. The bartender said, "Wow that's amazing. What happens when Darrell wins the race?" The man said, " I dunno, I've only had the dog for 6 years!"

Did you hear that Dale Earnhardt will be driving the Truck Series next year? They come fully-equipped with Built-In Beds.

Have you heard? Earnhardt will be driving a new car next year. The NyTol "Helps you get your ZZZZ's" Chevy.

Why does Earnhardt never hit the wall? The wall aint got no numbers on it.

Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the Mcdonalds coffee being too hot, is suing Walmart? Apparently she bought a Ernie Irvin Shirt and hit the wall 10 times before she left the store.

Have you Heard? Earnhardt is in the Hospital! Apparently he hasn't passed anything for almost 2 years!

EARNHARDT IN JAIL! Dale Earnhardt was arrested last night for trespassing and breaking and entering. He was picked up on the sales floor of the local Ford dealership. When reached for comment Old #3 just said " I just wanted to finally get a look at the FRONT of one of them new FORDS" .

Earnhardt is going for Number 8 in 98' YESSIR I Believe He Can Do It! 8 races without falling asleep behind the wheel, that is.

Darrell Waltrip and Dale Earnhardt were driving around a small country town when Dale accidentally hit and killed a goat. Well, Darrell made him go up to the farm house and apologize.They drove up to the farm, Dale got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When Dale came out, Darrell was confused about why he had been in there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the man in black. "What did you tell the farmer?" Waltrip asked. Number 3 replied, "I told him I was driving around with Darrell Waltrip and I'd just killed the old goat."

A Mechanic is standing outside the garage as Roger Penske is coming in to check out the new Taurus, and can't help but notice that Mr. Penske has a Dog under each arm. The Mechanic waves and says, "Welcome back, Roger, Nice dogs, sir." Penske smiles and says, "These aren't dogs. These are genuine Labrador Retrievers. I got this one for Rusty, and I got this one for Jeremy." The mechanic says, "Good trade, sir."

Ricky Rudd calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, Hell, they even stole my gas pedal..." Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."

What do you call 10,000 Restrictor plates at the bottom of the ocean? A Good Start.

If Robert Pressley, John Andretti and Geoff Bodine were in a boat and the Boat Sinks, Who Would be saved? Half the cars in Sundays Race.

Steve Park was looking to find him a woman so Dale Earnhardt decided to help him out. He told Steve that the next time hes on the beach to put him a potato in his trunks and the ladies will gather round. Steve goes out for 3 straight days with no luck. He's about to leave when he sees The man In Black and says " I don't understand, I did what you said and now NO WOMEN will come anywhere near me!" Dale looks at him and just points and says " The Potato goes in the front "

Bill Elliott was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the Million Dollar Man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." Bill thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." Bill thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considers his request for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Did you hear about Earnhardt visiting that Korean Sports psychologist about his current losing streak? He has been seeing Dr Winn Wan Soon for about 2 months now.

Did you hear why Derrick Cope gave up his sponsorship from Skittles? He Said he just didnt like to deal with Skittles, Sure they taste good but "they sure is hard to peel"

Did you hear about Rusty Wallace's new sponsor? He is showing his new paint scheme on the Puffs Plus With Aloe Ford next week.

Earnhardt is out taking a stroll in the snow. He slips off a Icy bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river. Three kids see it happen. They jump in and save him. When he comes to, he says, "Boys, you saved a Seven Time Winston Cup Champion. You each deserve a reward. You name it, and You Got It!" The first kid says, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." The Man in Black says, "I'll send you and your whole family for a week at Disneyland." The second boy says, "I'd like a 4 wheeler so I can Go out mudbogging out behind my house" Earnhardt says, "I'll get you the best Four Wheeler With all the safety Features and I'll have someone teach you how to drive it safely." The third kid says, "I'd like a electric twin-turbo wheelchair with a HiFi stereo and Cruise Control." #3, "I'll get you the Best ... Wait a second, you're not handicapped, You don't need a Wheelchair." The kid says, "I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

After a long life, NASCAR racing legend Dale Earnhardt finds himself at the pearly gates. The Lord welcomes him to heaven and shows him to his dwelling place. It's a small home, nicely landscaped, with a couple faded GM Goodwrench flags mounted beside the front door. "We looked around and were lucky to find those still," said the Lord. Earnhardt gave an appreciative grin back. As he continued to look around, his gaze followed up a hill to the beautiful mansion at the top. Around the ornate edifice was a circle of bright blue and orange STP flags. "Lord, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but I'd like to know; Why does Richard Petty get such a big place? I know he beat me back in the old days, but I thought you guys didn't work that way up here." The Lord turns to look in the direction of Dale's gaze. "Oh, that's not The King's place. That's mine."

Sterling Marlin and Ricky Rudd go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Sterling catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. Sterling to Ricky and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" Ricky says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Ned Jarrett is sitting on his front porch watching his grandson play in the yard. His grandson starts pulling worms out of the ground and seems to be having fun but Ned doesn't want him to not appreciate all living things, so he says "Now, Now, we don't hurt little worms, its just not right." . His grandson is perplexed, as he doesn't know why it hurts them. Ned says "well now that you have pulled them out of the ground, they will dry up and die.". His grandson says "I can get them back on the hole". Ned says "Well if you do, I'll give you 5 dollars" The little boy tries and tries, he tries forcing the worms, using a stick, music... what ever he can think of, when he finally goes in the house and returns with some starch. He sprays the worms with starch and shoves the stiff little worms right down the hole, gets up and demands his 5 dollars. Ned pays him and sends him on his way. The next day Ned's grandson comes over, when Ned gives him 10 more dollars and a pie and says "This is from your grandma".

Dale Earnhardt, Rusty Wallace and Robert Pressely found themselves in hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, behind the door was perhaps the ugliest 1973 Pinto they had ever seen. It was multi-colored with plenty of rust and primer...dirty...dryrotted interior..and you could smell it even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Dale, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!" And "The Man In Black" was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when the second door opened...and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of automaking gone wrong. It was a 1978 Gremlin it was over smashed in every which direction, covered in thick hand paint-brushed house paint and lots of "peace" symbols and hippie colors. It has a top speed of 34, the electrics don't work, and the radio works but only plays the theme from "Alice" and you cant turn it off. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Rusty, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!" And Rusty, like Earnhardt before him, was whisked off. Robert Pressley, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst...when the third door opened.... And as the door...inched...open...., he strained to see the figure of...a 1998 Dodge VIPER!!! Delighted, Robert, taking in the sight of this beautiful piece of Automaking Delight, Shiney and powerful this car is made to run like hell. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:... "Viper, YOU HAVE SINNED ----------

NOTIFY ALL EMPLOYERS OF THE FOLLOWING Be on the lookout for a resume' from the following individual: Todd Bodine 35 Cant Qualify Blvd. Nomorerace, USA 92922 (263)463-7825 x 7 The above individual may use the following as a reference: Geoff Bodine 7 Wreck You Ave. Puteminwall, USA 24492 (436)332-7274 x 8 Can you find the hidden messages? Hint: It's all in the numbers Submitted by Bobby R. Tolliver II 69 What Does Wallace Stand for? W = we A = all L = look L = like A = asses C = chasing E = Earndhart

"Where does the term NASCAR come from??" "National Association of Stock Car Racing???" "Wrong!!" "What do you mean, 'Wrong'?" "Well, there was this Good Ole Boy walking down the road and he sees his buddy standing in front of a new Chevy. He looks at him, and he says, "Ya know, that there is a real 'Nas Car'!!!" (Nice Car) Submitted By Fred Fortin I don't get this one, If you understood this joke please contact me and explain 71 EARNHARDT ARRESTED FOR DRUGS!! Yeah, They found everything but speed on him.

Jeff Gordon, Ricky Rudd and Geoff Bodine are convicted of crimes and are all sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed to bring one thing into the cell with them. Gordon asks for books. Rudd asks for his wife. Bodine asks for 200 carton of cigarettes. At the end of 20 years they open up the door to Gordon's cell. He comes out excited about how much he has learned, "I've learned so much, I could be a Doctor, It's great!". They open up Ricky Rudd's cell and he comes out with his wife and 5 kids. "My wife and I have never been so close! Now we have a great new family!" They open up the door to Bodine's cell and he's slapping at his pockets, "Anybody got a match!"

Rusty Wallace's Wife goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime she lets out one of them "Miller Lite" farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peters printed out the list of all the inventors currently ( doing time ) in heaven. As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women. Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him. When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention. "Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer. He works with the enormous data-banks and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs. "Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours."

back home