The Spartans
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Air Date: November 21, 1998
Host: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Musical Guest: Beastie Boys
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Doctor: Chris Parnell
Ms. Alexis Murphy: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Spartan Cheerleaders -
Arianna: Cheri Oteri
Craig: Will Ferrell
Nurse: Ana Gasteyer
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Doctor: Well, Ms. Murphy, everything seems to be going as expected. Your still in the early stages of labor, but I’ll be checking in with you periodically.
Ms. Murphy: Thank you Doctor.
[knocking at the door]
Spartan Cheerleaders: Candystripers!!!
Ms. Murphy: Come in.
Spartans: [coming in and standing beside the hospital bed]
Uh. Malpractice, gonna sue. Malpractice, gonna sue. Introduce your case, Uh.
Craig: I had angina, had pains in my chest, when I got home, had silicone breasts.
Spartans: Malpractice, gonna sue. Malpractice, gonna sue. Introduce your case, Uh.
Arianna: I got a nose job, my face they cut, now when I sneeze, it comes out my butt. Achoo.
Craig: Whew. [waving arms]
[Both start yelling and jumping up and down]
Arianna: Hello pregnant lady about to deliver.
Craig: These are the following items we are offering today.
Tiger Beat Magazine
Arianna: Pop Tarts, Frosted For Her Pleasure.
Ms. Murphy: Yeah, what kind of Pop Tarts.
Arianna: [gasps] Alexis?!?!
Ms. Murphy: Arianna and her friend Craig…
Arianna: Alexis, please tell me you just ate a large Mexican meal…
Ms. Murphy:That’s just it, Arianna, I’m having a baby.
Arianna: But you said you were going to Paris to be a shoe model.
Ms. Murphy: No, I got knocked up.
Spartans: Ooh, Who’s there? [laughs]
Ms. Murphy: No, I went all the way with Bobby Demetri, ass-faces.
Arianna: But we told you a million times…
[both]
Sex can wait, masturbate.
[screaming by both mother and Spartans]
Arianna: Craig, you give her mouth-to-mouth and I’ll get her a Pop Tart.
[Craig trying to give Alexis mouth-to-mouth]
Ms. Murphy: Ugh. I don’t like you like that. [pushes him away]
Craig: Oh, ok.
Nurse: [coming in the room] Will you please get out of the way; we need to examine the patient.
[Spartans move over a little]
Doctor: Nurse, how is the patient progressing?
Nurse: She’s at a full 10 centimeters there, Doc.
Spartans: Uh. Dial two, four, six, eight, look who’s gonna dilate. It ain’t no joke, her water broke, she’s hurting like a mothah. Forget hug, just give her drugs, or she’ll cry like Sally Struther. Can you…please…help this…child?
[starting to deliver the baby]
Doctor: Guys, can you give us a hand here?
Spartans: Sure!
Craig: [screaming] OH MY GOD!! Oh, sorry. That’s like only the second time I’ve seen one of those.
Arianna: When was the first?
Craig: When my grandmother fell in the tub…I don’t wanna talk about it.
Doctor: Alexis, we’re just gonna see if the baby’s in the right direction. Ok.
Spartans: Awww. Breech birth. [makes music sounds] The feet come first…Breech birth. [more music sounds] The feet come first…Breech birth.
Doctor: If you idiots don’t shut up, you’re fired.
Spartans: Ooh…C-A-NDY…Candystripers gonna die, we’re fired, oh oh, we’re fired.
Nurse: Doctor, I can see the head.
Spartans: Placenta, small sack, placenta, small sack…
Doctor: [interrupting] SHUUUTUUUP!!!!!
Ms. Murphy: Arianna, don’t leave me…
Arianna: I would never leave my best friend.
Ok, I want you to look at me, are you wearing my Maybellene Raspberry Fantastic lip tint? [getting excited] You know it’s my signature color.
Craig: It’s her signature color.
Ms. Murphy: [through clenched teeth] Can we talk about this later when I’m not pushing out a small bobsledder… (P.S. I’m not sure if that last word is right, it was all I could make out)
Arianna: Call me. [holding up her hand like a phone]
Craig: Call her.