The sun cast its rays deep into the windows of my 1987 Nissan Sentra. Englazened with every, single possible emotion of happiness... I started practicing what I would say if I came face to face with... them.
Them with their hearts so big you probably couldn't see them on an x-ray, because you know, it's not physical. Their voices... so rare... so mysterious. Their inspiration, so priceless.
They say every person goes through that phase in their life when they decorate their walls with posters of the same faces -- devote every night right before they drift to sleep... to rehearsing the lines that they would recite if they could have that one dream... to meet them... to become part of their lives if for just a moment in time... still enchanting, still meaningful.
The deafening screams you hear are worth recording and keeping forever, when they once see that face mounted upon the TV screen -- and they sit... and they stare ... as if living a dream at that very moment.
I must admit that my walls are covered with posters... they are in many ways, my dream.
But I guess what is so inspiring to me, is that they are not magic. They go through the hype, they go through the many screaming fans, reaching out to them, "Just touch my hand..." they scream.
No, that's not what I would say... let me touch your heart... yes, I guess that's it. Because they have touched mine in so many inspirational ways, and I guess that is the magical part.
They play video games, eat at resturants... get into fights with their parents just like all teenagers do.
And just like all teenagers do, they grow up. And eventually they will be like my parents. Cooking for children, cleaning. And it's hard for me to imagine that happening... but it will... like I said, they're normal.
"Nice to meet you..." I said out loud. My best friend, Jess stirred suddenly in her moment of deep sleep as I broke the silence.
'No that's not right,' I told myself in my mind.
"You guys rock" I once again blurted, and Jess opened her eyes.
"You piece of dork, what are you doing? I was having fabulous dreams about me and that guy that took my money this morning at the coffee shop, and you're having conversations with the steering wheel, that's just great, Jenn," She giggled and turned over as if to go back into her deep, coffee bean slumber.
"No No, Freak... I'm reciting what I would say if I met them," I put on my daydream smile and closed my eyes long enough to swerve a little to the side of the Highway.
"All right, Buttmunch, but I'd rather not go to the concert dead, so before you start making up some Soap Opera about you and Hanson, control yourself!" She smiled and turned back over.
"Oh, but, I don't want to say something like I love you... or I need you... or you're everything to me, Taylor, just hold me in your arms and kiss me all night long..."
Jess interrupted with an irritated smirk as she turned my way again, adjusted her seat to sit up, and said, "Are you sure, Jenn? 'Cause Taylor is your type, you know... sexy... and YOUNG!" She laughed and then put on a straight face as I glanced towards her with my sarcastic "Haha" look.
"Yeah, so he's 4 years younger and stunningly attractive, but I want nothing more than to thank them merely for showing me how to have that courage... that respect for myself and for my dreams. You know how I went through every possible thing that a teenager could, death, car accidents, sexual abuse, court... everything... and yet, I came through because I saw in them the hope that I have been searching for my whole life..." I stopped and looked at her and realized that she was sound asleep.
I giggled a little and then kept on thinking about it... over and over. I knew I had over a hundred things to say to them... hoping somehow they might remember me in time. When they have those moments that I do, lost and alone, wanting only for someone to listen... someone to understand.
That's IT. I wanted to inspire them... yes, just like they have me....wow. Stunned at my startling conclusion, I saw the sign.
"JESS, WAKE UP!" I shouted as the New York City sign caught my eye. She jumped out of the seat and hit her foot on the dashboard, then looked up to see the revelation.
"Oh my GOSH, we're there, dude, we're there!" Jess grabbed her stuff and started packing from our 8 hour drive.
The concert was the next day... I couldn't wait. I had already seen them once... but twice... wow, I never in my life thought it would happen.
I pulled into the parking lot of the ritzy hotel we were staying at... the 1,500 dollar limit on my credit card was certainly a plus for this occasion.
We checked in and made our way up to the floor where we would be staying. We opened the door, and were captivated at the size and glamour of the room we had booked.
"Wow, Jenn... I'm really starting to like your Mastercard...say... I KNOW they have a gift shop around here...maybe I could buy us an extra couch or something," Jess snickered and put her stuff down.
"Yeah, RIGHT. In your dreams, oh smart one." I put my bags down and looked out the window overlooking the city.
It was my first time in the famous location. I had heard so much, about the stores... about the life... but I had never been to one of them.... never lived a moment here.
I quickly made my little safe haven on the plush queen sized bed... and laid down for a nap.
I pondered all of the things I could say... you know, just in case. I went through the different scenareos... the times... the places. I thought about how they had touched my life. I remember when I used to sit and cry, because I thought I was ugly. Because I had a few zits... I wasn't PERFECT. I thought that was what the world only wanted to possess, the perfect people. And I think that's the way it still is. I remember the tears, the agony. The night at the hospital when they put me in solitary confinement, hoping to somehow soothe my scars by leaving me alone in a room with a bed and a dresser, locking the doors and "looking" in on me every 15 minutes. I screamed and I cried for my mother. And the only person who... well the only person who took the time to come in and see me, was the janitor. And I remember what she said when she sat down beside me. She stared deep into my swollen eyes, as if trying to touch my tear stained heart, to wash away the sadness, just for the few more hours until sunrise. "You just have to believe in yourself..." she said. She had a few teeth missing, her hair was matted down to her head, and her skin was scarred as if lost within years of acne. But amazingly, she was beautiful. I remember I cracked a smile, and told her I wanted to be home with my mommy. That she was the only one who cared. Her ,my daddy, my brother, they were the only ones who could truly soothe this pain that was eating me away. "Makes you realize doesn't it... being here" She said softly "You see what you really have, who really loves you...it will bring out the best in you, I promise" She grabbed her stuff, and then did the sweetest thing. She handed me a tissue. I had been sobbing for two hours, and she was the only soul with enough nerve to reach out and hand me a tissue... no, nerve isn't the word... heart...yes, that's it... the only one with enough heart. I slept through the night, and when my mommy came the next day, she just held me as a cried. And I said those words I know she had longed to hear. "I love you, Mommy and I need you..." I pondered that memory and I could feel my eyes well up with tears as I kept on dreaming. But I remember I thought of them... in those moments... Looking through the barred up windows in the sanitarium, and I knew that if they knew about what my life was like at that moment, they would pray for me. And they woudln't want me to cry... or maybe they would want me to get it out, but they would sit long enough to dry one tear... just one... if it meant I would live one more day, to find that strength to live forever. I dreamt more... about the times when I would stare into the mirror, and I would wonder why I was here. I used to have dreams... you know, when I was a kid. I would stage those barbie doll weddings, where Barbie would marry her dream man... as always, happily ever after. I would watch Mary Poppins over and over... I will touch the sky one day, I used to say... I will spread that umbrella... as if to spread my wings... I will show the world just what I can be. I wanted to be a superstar... the hero that kids would look up to when they opened that magazine in the bookstore, yell down the isle to their mom or dad and say " I want to be like her when I grow up..." Sure I'm only 19, but I would have been their hero... their statue...that's what I wanted to be when I was that young on the bookstore floor... that actor, that singer... that hero. And I lost sight when this girl came up to me in 8th grade and said "Hey you know the world would be much happier without you, why don't you just go kill yourself..." and when the other girl in chorus class raised her hand and said to the teacher "Can you tell her to stop looking at me, she's so ugly and it's making me sick" And the teacher had the nerve to say "Stop looking at her, you're making her sick." I remember that the teachers would laugh, when I would complain that someone was hurting me with things that they said. Because at the time my hair was short, I had braces, I had zits... they told me I was gay. So what's wrong with being gay? Hell, I'm straight as a ruler, but even if I was, who were they to judge? I just locked myself away... I just hoped and I prayed... I didn't think I had anything else to do... I forgot how to dream. But they are so imperfect.... they're human. And yet, they can fulfuill their hopes and dreams in such a perfect way, that it gave me so much hope. For the future of society.... for MY future. I was raped in my freshman year of college, and then again in my sophmore year. And I would flashback... hoping somehow that life would hand me a box of cherries and say, it's all over, Kid... you can be happy now. But while I waited for that day to come, I let a lot of time pass. A lot of time to TRY and be happy... a lot of time to become what I wanted. But I couldn't trust people anymore... I didn't think there was one good person out there that would even tell me I was beauitful... or those wonderful words.... it will ALL be okay. But they are genuine people... three souls who love what they do... and do what they love. And God how that inspired me.... Because we think they look in the mirror and say "I'm so gorgeous... I'm famous... I'm rich...my life is peaches and cream..." But I bet you that's not it... I bet you they have their moments when they just want to curl up and hide... where they wished they weren't famous... when they wished people didn't want to get them into bed. And that too, inspired me, and still does inspire me. God how much I love life. I pray... I am loyal... I have my moments, but you know, all that stuff I went through, it made me stronger. And that woman's words in the hospital still echo in my heart " It will bring out the best in you... I promise" And so I do own some posters... I did change my plates to say the name of their famous hit song... so I do want to scream and yell....maybe even cry at their concerts. But they have shown me, in essance, that I am beautiful. That life might not always hand you lemonade... but we've all got the lemons. They are the truest example of the human conception of emotion. They are love, they are in fact... angels. And God knows that all of my contemplation of them... of the many thousands of things that I have to say to them... that my dream of meeting them... has to be worth something. Or maybe it's enough, just though... that they have inspired me. And I know deep in their hearts it inspires them that they have done so... but I know and the Lord knows, I would do anything to say it. "BEEEEEPPPPPPPP" The loud echo outside pierced my dreams as I jumped out the bed out of fear" "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WATCH OUT!! YOU'RE BLOCKING THE INTERSECTION" I started laughing....New York I thought....the RIGHT place to be if you want to get away from the world. I dried my eyes and sniffled a little. I looked to find Jess but she was gone, and there was a note on the bedside table. "Buttmunch, I have gone to fetch some eats... but you looked way too peaceful... and I might catch a flick... I like this town...be back later" I smiled and turned on the TV. Thirsty as a racehorse on its last lap, I opened the door to find the machines. I walked down the hall and to the left, and there was a room that was blasting MMMBOP... "Just what I had in mind," I said outloud, I grinned and kept on walking. The machine said 'Out of Order' which was bad, because they had Nestea. "For the love of Pete, this hotel sucks..." I smacked the machine and turned to walk away. But I was stopped when I bumped head on into a pour soul, a little taller than me, that was going to find the same solution I was, but if it weren't for me, would have been faced with the same disappointment. "Oh My stars I'm sooo sorry..."I reached out to the other person and lightly brushed his windbreaker. When my eyes focused, I stood in shock. "No big deal, I'd rather break my nose then get a drink anyways..."He giggled. And he had the same humor in person, the same smile that's enough to brighten anyone's day, even if it seems all too impossible. I stumbled to find words... what do I say? What do I do? "Hello? " He looked down into my eyes, waiting for my reaction. "Do you ever get that feeling deep in your tummy when you KNOW you're going to be VERY embarrsed for the rest of your life whenever you see a vending machine?" I smiled shyly as he grinned at my remark. "Oh of course, everyday before I shave..." We both started laughing, and he shook my hand. "NIce to meet you, Miss...?" "Gaulden....my name is Jennifer." "Oh... Jennifer....I must get going...sorry for the rush... and the concussion" He managed to get me to crack another smile in my fit of shock, and then turned away. I smacked my forehead several times. "Dummy Dummy Dummy....That was Isaac Hanson...I'm a dummy dummy dummy..." I got into the room and threw myself on the bed. Faced with a dream... shot down. "I am the stupidest idiot that ever hit New York...Geez Louiissseee..." Then I realized that it wasn't even funny. I nearly started to cry. I didn't know what to say... what would I tell Jess? "Yeah we talked about the vending machine..." I recited to myself, realizing how cunningly stupid that sounded. I sat with tears in my eyes, practically devistated at what I had just done. Then I heard a pitter patter outside of my door... and then a tiny knock. "MACKIE NO!! THAT'S NOT OUR ROOM" A hyper voice yelled, and I ran to do the door. NO way??!! I opened the door to see a frantic blonde haired beaut running down the hall, and a cute, innocent blonde sweetheart about 3 feet tall staring straight up at me. "Well hello, Sweetie" "I'm sorry, he got away, I'm sorry..." I looked up, and I knew it. Happiness took me over. My big chance. "It's no problem... Taylor." I loved saying the name, and I smiled. "Thanks, he's just getting too hard to handle, ya know" He smiled back and shook my hand. There was so much going through my head.... I didn't know what to say, what to do...cry...scream, fall down on my knees... ask for an autograph. Zac and Isaac came running down the hall two second later. "Mackie, that's a NO NO... no more power rangers" Zac said and picked him up and lovingly hugged him. How cute, I thought... how so very cute, almost enough to help me to believe that labor was actually worth it. "But Zaccy..." Mackie giggled. "Awww...." You dummy, I'm thinking... there they are right in front of you and all you can say is Awww.... Then I got up the guts, and I realized this was it, and I prayed to God in my heart at that moment" Dear God let me say it, just let me say it right, the way it should be said, the way all the lives that have been touched by them should say it, the way it will be remembered..." "You know, I thought I would have about a million things to say to you, I've spent so long just trying to contemplate how to tell you what I have to say, you know , I study it like it's a final exam or something..." I stopped as all three of them looked up at me. This was it, I had waited for two and a half years ... and it was about to happen. I smiled, and a single tear left my eye as they prepared to walk back... Mackie in Zac's arms, all of them peering straight into my glazed green eyes, and I knew what I wanted to say....what every fan should say, the only thing that really needs to be said. "Thank you....Thank you... for...well, thank you for everything." Oh my God, I said it. The way it was meant to be said. Nothing more. "...And thank you" Taylor said. They smiled and started walking down the hall. "I'll always be routing for you, cheering for you.... I'll always believe in you" I knew they hadn't heard me, but it meant so much that I even said it. Isaac turned around with a smile, as if he HAD just heard every word of my silent whisper. I covered my heart, and I waved. I closed the door, and just cried and cried... all of what had been caught up inside of my soul for those years and years.... I just let the tears go... and realized they were the happiest tears I had ever cried. I told Jess the whole story, and she couldn't stop playing on the vending machine incident. "You butt, ten bucks says he has some huge goosebump on his forehead tommorrow..." I smiled, and waited for the concert, knowing how much it would inspire me even more. (Not that he had a goosebump, but the concert itself of course, just being there, living the MAGIC that I believe they are) I got to the concert, and I watched as the thousands of teenage girls waved their banners in the air... screamed their pleas of love, as their moments of anticipation grew more intense with each passing moment. And you know what... I looked at those girls... and I wished they could only see what it really means to love a hero... to be a hero... to maybe somehow inspire a hero, with just a simple sentence, a simple phrase that seems to stand out in that moment of time, even though you hear it everyday. And I hoped somehow with the grace of God... that it meant that much to them. The curtains fell... and there they were...Ike with his goosebump and all. And he pointed to my side of the crowd...and I thought how nice it would be if he would actually point at me... or any of the three would. But you know what... I knew it meant something to them. I know it ALWAYS means something to them to hear something like that., even if it's just one in a million. And that excitement overcame me, a single tear fell... and I knew that I had inspired them in some way shape or form... And that inspired me even more, to become that hero ... if not in a magazine, then to someone that doesn't know me. Take two carlories and two seconds to smile at someone on a street corner...that's inspiration. And I knew that I would always look for them around every street corner, in every mall... but I said it. The way it should be said. The way every fan should say it. The way they will remember it. And the band played on.