James Bond Would Have Died of AIDS
               Call the Hollywood big shots. I've got a hot topic for the next Bond film. 007: Protease Inhibitors. To a hapless fan it sounds catchy. It contains the word "tease", and they might think that the inhibitors are some sort of international Evil our hero must defeat! Just think of it! The true story of Mr. Bond's ultimate demise! You might get to live twice, James, but the third time's the charm.
               In a series of flashbacks, the film could recount James' past sexual contacts (it would have to be an epic film) and all the various STDs he picked up throughout his years as an international man of mystery. (It makes one wonder: why the hell were women so willing to sleep with him? One would imagine that very few women would be turned on, even by Sean Connery whispering in their ear, if he was whispering, "Itsh all right dahling, never mind the genital herpeesh.") To create suspense, the film could use the obvious plot device, biological warfare. James' mission is to prove that he became infected, NOT by having flagrantly unsafe sex with women (and probably men, too--don't tell me James didn't get around) the world over, oh no, but as part of an eeevil conspiracy by S.P.E.C.T.R.E. We could witness James' trials and tribulations, his troubles with medications (James is on a mission in the enemy's lair, silence is absolutely vital…when his beeper goes off for an AZT break), side effects ("Help! Moneypenny, fetch the autogyro! James is hemorrhaging!"), health care (is there a good health plan involved in espionage?) and, of course (this is Hollywood, ya gotta have pull some heartstrings), eventual death. KS maybe, or pneumocystis. Perhaps meningitis, or something else to do with the brain. Good dramatic irony there, for the man who relied on his quick wits. The film could start out with Pierce Brosnan, or whoever plays the young, studly Bond, and show his deterioration into the Sean Connery of today. Oh, such tragedy! He once was a man of action, now he can barely breathe on his own.
               Glamorous, eh?

-by Violet Nova, originally appeared in Nova #13, 1999