Express Yourself, Don’t Repress Yourself
Remorsecodeblues Reader Survey Results

Are you
Female- 58%
Male- 14%
A small furry animal- 14%
Write-in- 14%
One respondent said she was woolly, not furry; and another simply added her name as a category.

Are you afraid of the dark?
Yes- 14%
Sometimes- 43%
No- 43%
A number of respondents said that they preferred the dark; one said he wasn’t afraid “unless the dark proposes commitment.”

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?
No- 79%
Yes- 14%
Write-in- 7%
One respondent was a socialist; another wrote that she lived with a socialist; another made vague references to “other party affiliations”; and one simply wrote, “idealists don’t know how to party!”
I’m not sure if any of the respondents got the McCarthy joke.

Do you consider yourself
Lesbian/gay- 7%
Straight- 21%
Bisexual- 29%
Other- 43%
Many respondents added their own comments on this question, such as: “bisexual and occasionally other”; “straight—for the most part—I think?”; “lesbian who dates an occasional boy”; “flaming heterosexual!”; “I would say bisexual, only I like girls and boys in different ways, so I don’t know”; “bass/typewriter”......I spose thats what I get for trying to categorize human nature.

Do you think I’m cool?
yes- 93%
no- 7%
At this point, I must remind you all that in this survey, 7% constitutes only one respondent. And I took this survey myself.
Many lovely, deluded souls included comments with this question, such as: “Wow! You’re the coolest!”; “I sent you crack, didn’t I?”;* “Suffice it to say that you rock our pathetic world six ways from Tuesday”; “I think you’re very cool, Violet. In fact, I think you’re a Goddess.” One person said I was only “semi-cool,” and another said I was cool as long as I didn’t talk about Melissa Etheridge. (To which I responded, “Well, I think you’re cool as long as you don’t talk about the SPICE GIRLS! So nyyaaahh!”)

I would rather have my brain eaten by zombies than.....
.....watch silly movies like Titanic
.....carry a Dave Matthews pillow around with me everywhere
.....eat a brain
....do dishes at work (wait, it’s the same)
....by rabid wolverines
…by giraffes
....watch my parents have sex
….have to watch Braveheart again
....be put on display in an alien zoo
....re-live jr. high school (or regular high school, for that matter)
....watch a movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt in it
....be 50 years old and married to someone I don’t really love
....eaten by living walnut creatures from the small orange planet of Zoweh
....stay in a job solely for the money and security

What is your favorite foreign accent?
Australian and British accents were the most popular; other favorites were Russian, New Zealand, Scandinavian with learned British, Latina, Italian, “Godfather,” French, and German.

What is your favorite onomonopoetic word?
The most popular words were yoink, smack, and hiss; other faves were plop, swoosh, meow, argh, kablooey, crack, baa, moo, skittle, barf, zzzggghhh-zzzggghhh, and pow!pow!pow!

What’s your favorite pick-up line?
“Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”
“You’ve stolen my heart...but don’t worry, I have three more in the fridge.”
“Do you have any Dutch in you? Want some?”
“Did you get those pants on Mars? Cause your ass is outta this world.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue, spaghetti is nice, wanna screw?”
“So, are you here by yourself—or with your husband?”
“What if a 20-year-old girl who lived 3 ½ hours away requested dinner?”
“One ticket for [name of movie] please.”
This last person added, “In other words, I’m shy.”

What color underwear are you wearing right now?
Lime green; white; violet; white & blue; pink; pink, blue and green flowered; blue; pink with cats on it (mine); plaid; green plaid; red; red paisley; red bandanna-pattern; tie-dyed day-of-the-week “Wednesday” underwear
This last person then remarked, “Today is Saturday. Damn.”

* Note: it was virtual crack. That’s what happens when you stay up all night theorizing on ICQ about what’s really in the middle of crispy M&Ms.