How often have you heard it? “Yeah, So-and-So, I’m ok with you’re being gay, but.....
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT?
It’s probably the most common--and most exasperating--comment that we queers hear from straight people. They’re always wondering why we can’t just keep quiet about it. You turn away in disgust—they obviously don’t get it.
Now, all you have to do is hand them this essay! Think of it as a sort of “Gay Rights for Dummies.”
Of course, I know that there’s more to life than being gay; it’s healthy to live in a vacuum. My gay identity is just one part of my personality. However, each part of a personality effects all the other parts, otherwise we’d all have multiple personalities! Thus, the way a person is treated when they’re gay and the effect it has on them, is reflected in every corner of their life.
So why shouldn’t we talk about it?
"Visibility is important, psychologically, because of the profound role played by it's opposite in the life of every homosexual, that is, secretiveness."
-Paul Robinson
The truth will set you free Without visibility, gay kids will still feel the need to lie about and hide their sexuality, merely out of necessity. Oh, sure, one could argue that gay people don’t have to lie or hide, but in this day and age that argument is, basically, crap. You’d be amazed how many folks have no qualms about asking point-blank, “So, are you queer?” If one can’t afford to come out at that point (due to threat of physical violence, or of being fired, kicked out, etc) one has no choice but to lie. I know I did. And I hated it. It’s more stressful than you might think; there’s a lot of guilt involved, especially if you’re religious (morals vs. personal safety, etc.)
But the worst part is that it’s habit-forming. Believe me. It was quite awhile after I came out before I managed to stop automatically lying about the gay aspects of my life. And every now and then I’ll still find whatever book I happen to be reading hidden under my bedcovers--an old habit from when I was in the closet and didn’t want my family to know what I was reading. (In retrospect, I realize that a drawer might have been a better hiding place than a bed. Once I was almost found out when my sister sat down right on The Gay and Lesbian Liberation Movement.) I mean, no wonder that back in the McCarthy era they equated homosexuals with Communist spies: both groups had to lie about their personal lives or face criminal charges!
The point is, without gay visibility, society could condition homosexuals into a bunch of compulsive liars.
"Being out means doing what your grandmother told you to do, which is not to lie."
-Barbara Smith
Build me up, buttercup I find it quite terrifying that some 30% of teenagers who attempt suicide do so because of homosexual feelings. I know from personal experience that that’s not just a handy statistic; it’s true. And it reveals that gay people are picking up on the message ‘society’ is sending them: you should be ashamed of yourself.
Gay visibility is necessary so that screwed-up gay teenagers (like, say...hmm....ME) can stop being ashamed and start learning how to be happy, well-balanced humans. (“Productive members of society,” tee hee hee.) I mean, it took me a long time to stop being ashamed of my lesbianism. Yet it was through my girlfriend that my self-esteem went up. I was able to see myself not as some kind of loner mutant freak, but as an average, angsty teenager, worthy of being loved and respected. I mean, even my therapist said that meeting my girlfriend and coming out was a turning point for me. I’ve had a lot more confidence, and waaaay less depression ever since. I know that sounds trite on paper, but it’s true.
We need gay pride because it’s the antithesis of the self-loathing most of us feel in the closet. When your self esteem has reached rock-bottom, it’s amazing how good it feels to be proud of something.
"Revealing my sexuality changed me as a person, it changed my self-confidence, and my attitude toward the world. It's released in me an anger and a passion…."
-Sir Ian McKellan
Every day is Straight Pride Day Straight people never cease to amaze me in how much they take for granted. For instance, some heterosexuals will get their knickers in a twist over Gay Pride Day. "Why do you need a special day?" they ask. "How come there isn't a Straight Pride Day?"
I always respond by telling them, Remember when you were a little kid and you asked an adult why there was Mother's Day and Father's Day but no Kid's Day? And they answered, "Every day is Kid's Day"?
Well, every day is Straight Pride Day.
And if some of you heteros out there still want an official day, go ahead! Declare one! No one’s stopping you.
Many (but not all, of course) straight people take for granted the fact that they can talk about being straight all the time. Not always consciously, but it's there. More often than not, when you meet a stranger, they'll just assume you're a heterosexual. It’s a given. If homosexuality were like that, a given, then there wouldn't be a problem.
I just wish that more straight people would realize how lucky they have it. They have more than just acceptance--it's simply taken for granted that people are straight. (I mean, do you see highway billboards with gay couples on them?) Everywhere I go I see straight people! Every theater in town has a straight movie playing, every bookstore is filled corny romance novels about straight people. Straight people are always touching and kissing in public, and yet some of them still have the nerve to ask US why we "flaunt" our sexuality!
In the words of Kermit the Frog.....sheesh!
Birds of a feather Gay visibility promotes gay community, which is something we desperately need. Yes, yes we do. Being in the closet is one of the loneliest feelings in the world, because you can’t tell anyone. You only have yourself to ‘blame,’ you think other people won’t like you once they find out you’re queer...you’re stuck and you’re scared and you’re alone.
It’s the job of the gay community to undo all this damage. And by gay community, I don’t mean the fellas partying at Manhole down on Halsted. I mean the entire gay community, anyone and everyone who’s out there, and all of the resources they create. Other than the love of a good woman, the saving of me was the gay community: the books I read, the movies I saw, the music I listened to, the groups I worked with. I might be an introvert, but I’m still human. I still need to know that I’m not alone.
Being in the closet, (or even worse, being out of it in an unsympathetic environment), can make you feel like a freak, an outcast. Visibility in the gay community is there to let you know that you’re someone, a part of the group. That there’s somewhere that you can be out, and people will actually understand what you go through because they’ve been there too. The gay community gives you somewhere to belong.
"There's a glorious, ecstatic feeling in being seen, in being out there, especially after so many years of hiding. This is me, come and take it."
-Sara Cytron
Were here, were queer, get used to it! I talk about being gay because I AM gay! Plain and simple. I’m a weirdo little zinester dyke and I’m not gonna pretend I’m not because it makes some silly uptight person somewhere feel uncomfortable! That’s their problem, not mine. If It’s like that one song (who’s that by? Gloria Gaynor?) “I Am Who I Am.”
If you’re a straight girl, you can talk about boys, so I don’t understand why I, as a gay girl, can’t talk about girls? I mean, if someone asks me what I think of Melanie C, former Spice Girl, I’m gonna tell them the truth: “Well, her music doesn’t do much for me, but I think she’s pretty damned sexy!”
The point is, I’m queer, and that’s important to me. So why succumb to the double standard and shut up about it?
"My mother said to me, "Why do you have to call yourself a dyke? Why can't you be a nice lesbian?"
"Because I'm not a nice lesbian, I'm a big dyke."
-Lea Delaria
"It is better to be hated for what one is than to be loved for what one is not."
-Andre Gide
Mating plumage This might be the silliest reason for visibility, but it’s still a reason. If we don’t visibly identify ourselves as queer, how will we ever find each other? Contrary to popular belief, you cannot always tell if a given person is queer just by looking at them. The guessing game (“hmm...you think she’s straight? could be bi...or maybe she’s just in the closet?”) is no fun, and can end up in a biiiig mess if you guess wrong. I wear my freedom rings, my rainbow ribbon, my pink triangle pin, so that if Ms. Right is walking down the street, she’ll see me and know I’m on the same team.
I guess what I mean is that until they invent a fail-safe Gaydar, we’ll just have to be open and out.
“This way, the girls will recognize the stereotype and point and one of them will go, ‘Hey look, she’s gay!’ and the other one will be like, ‘Wow, she sure is.’ Like that.”
-Andy Eley
Thats what THEY want you to do!! If we keep quiet, then no one will know we exist. The only way to gain understanding is to be out, to say, “Hey, it’s me! I’m your child, your classmate, your co-worker, your friend! I’m in your life and I’M GAY!” I’ve heard countless straight people say that they thought homosexuals were freaks, that they never really thought about gays as people....until they found out that someone they knew was gay. (It’s amazing how clear things become once they actually affect your life.)
That goes for politically as well as personally. Without visible gay people in the media--be it politics or music or sports or acting--there wouldn’t be the same awareness that there is today. Queer people (especially bisexual and transgendered people, minorities within a minority) are still marginalized; we’re one of the few minority groups that still don’t have the same rights as other citizens. Even now, as anti-discrimination laws slooowly expand to include sexual orientation, the majority of people still can’t seem to grasp that “equal rights are not special rights.” Nothing is ever going to change by not talking about “it.”
We really ARE everywhere, and we have a right to exist. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that homosexuals are people, just like anyone else, and that we have the right to live, to do, and to talk about whatever the hell we want.
"When people put down feminism and gay rights, they always talk about "family" and "morality". That's bullshit; what they're talking about is power."
-Lowell Bean
-Violet Nova, Remorsecodeblues #15, 1999. Republishing or posting without permission is prohibited, but please feel free to print this essay out and share it with the uneducated ;-)
