9/18/99
EVERYTHING IS BREAKING DOWN ON ME.
MACHINES, RELATIONSHIPS, MY MIND.
I FEEL THIS UNRELENTING RESTLESSNESS CHURNING INSIDE MY STOMACH.
I’M CONFUSED.
A KIND OF CONFUSION I’VE NEVER FELT BEFORE.
LIKE A LOST CHILD I AM WANDERING THRU THIS WORLD NOT TRULY KNOWING ANYONE.
I HAVE NO SOUL MATE, NO COMPANION, NO PERSON TO SHARE MY MIND, MY UNSPEAKABLE WORDS
WITH.
Everyone else around me has found a soul mate, at least temporarily. Are they fools
tricking themselves or are they one step ahead of me? Even in tricking ones self
doesn’t that idea implanted in your head become true. At the very least a truth to
you. I think that is how it works.
I’m going out with, seeing is the better term, this girl. I don’t know her very well
and she doesn’t know me. We have sex, alot. Sex is good, don’t get me wrong. I like
it I love it. I love the closeness it brings. That is why I’m having sex with this
girl. To be close to her.
GIRLFRIEND
FRIEND WITH SPECIAL BENEFITS
WHAT ARE YOU TEMPTRESS?
9/24/99
What are we going to do about this increasing mediocrity that we find ourselves
swimming through everyday?
Nevermind that, I’m sure I’ll return to it later, but now, time to attack pop-culture.
MTV news. How am I supposed to feel about it? What about this gossip should I enjoy?
It comes on the screen every 15 minutes till the hour to inform me on what Jay-Z
ate for breakfast. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel sad. I don’t care. Its foolish
and a waste of my time. Yet, when it comes on I know that if I change the channel
I will just be bombarded with something equally unmeaningfull. The function of this
service to make me better informed on what celebrities are doing. That way I can
bring it up in conversation and feel cool because I may know a little more about
some dweeb than the next person.
My words are not meaningless. Everything I say has meaning and I will not allow myself
to recycle Serena Althshul, I am not that type of person. By, that type of person,
I mean not thinking, just repeating. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat. That is all people do.
“I saw this on the news”. “I read this in a book”. Can’t people have their own ideas.
It seems that most people are consumed with with being liked by everyone, not even
being liked but being similar. When everything is the same their is no way to be
seen by others as unfashionable, stupid, dorky, or even worse, different. When something
is different insecure people ostracize and hurt that unsimilar item.
What we don’t realize is how these things people strive to be in an effort to be
similar are fads. These things are created by popular culture. We do not decide what
is popular and what isn’t, the media tells us. Once something goes out of style something
different takes its place.
10/4/99
When I am going to see a movie with other people it becomes a big production. The
times, the transportation, the money. All become a hardship to figure out. That is
why I choose to see movies on my own. I find that movies affect me in great ways.
Great actors or actresses find a home in my soul. By being a great actor, I don’t
mean it in a way like being a great cook, but the ability to bring even the most
casual look an intensity, a life of its own, that stays with you forever.
My soul, crippled and broken.
Belongs to that beast between your legs.
I am going mad
Living simotanously in heaven and hell
I am insane,
and you are my insanity
10/9/99
This group that my friends and I manuver in seems manufactured. When conversing
we throw big words and complex recycled ideology. I fail to see what this achieves.
We belong to our minds. Anyone whose mind is easily changed is weak. By sharing these
opinions are we bettering eachother? Or just feeding our egos. Can’t we eclipse this
mediacrity and do something. Create something. Apathy is cutting us down, spreading
like wildfire.
10/20/99
If a person is an asshole I will treat them like an asshole. It doesn’t matter
if they are black, white, hispanic, gay, or more in depth sub-cultures like,
raver, prep, jock, goth, punk.... It has come to me that people act more like what
they call themselves then who they are. This causes manufactured diversity and strain
on intercultural relationships. I call myself an anarchist, but that is not all I
am. People act well with other people, not labels. When living in a labeled culture
and not being yourself you a living in a manufactured society and therefore will
only get along most effeciantly with others who live in the same manufactured society.
10/27/99
The thing about following your heart is that sometimes where it takes you might not
lead to a happy ending. That once you follow your heart, you leave normal and enter
the unknown, and never go back.
11/5/99
MY BODY IS NOT MINE.
MY DIRTY SKIN IS NOT MINE.
EVEN THE DIRTY PLACE INSIDE MY SKULL IS NOT MINE.
I AM DEFEATED EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
RESISTING ONLY MAKES IT WORSE.
ESCAPE IS A HOPELESS, STUPID DREAM.
YOU GET TO HAVE ME EVERY NIGHT ANYWAY
11/7/99
SKIN CAUGHT BETWEEN TEETH.
FOUND MY INTO MY/OUT OF RELIEF.
TURN ME AROUND AND HOLD ME IN PLACE.
COLD EMPY AIR IN A STILL-LIFE EMBRACE.
MY FAR AWAY SOMEDAY MIGHT LET ME DREAM AGAIN.
NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE AND NOT MAKING SENSE.
WHAT AM I STARING AT NOW?
JUST ANOTHER FUSION HEADACHE.
ALL DAY GIVING SO MUCH TAKE.
11/22/99
The power just went out in my house and I’m afraid. Not of monsters or murderers,
but of my mind being forced to think.. I was being comforted by a tv and working
on my computer, when without warning, darkness engulfed my home. Now I sit in wait
for nuclear power. The only light comes from a flickering candle reflecting back
my dishevled life back to me.
I am writing to keep writing. Silence, it scares me. I don’t want this reality.
The reality of me sitting alone in my basement. I want sound waves smashing my
brain into submission. I want to laugh at nazis being killed by private ryan, I
want to search the internet for kindred spirits and naked pictures of Bjork. I want
to blow up cop cars and kill senators, rascists and people who shop at the gap.
Anything but witnessing my own self-destruction. I’ve seen it enough. My thoughts
are of trouble.
I'm depressed. Not because of my place in the world.(Burger King employee) Not because I have no friends. I am surronded by people who I love and care about and I suspect they feel the same way about me. I'm depressed because I know so much about the world, about myself, about life. Others, they know so little. I am different from so many others who walk around this earth. My mind works so differently, so truthfully. While others are happy with wealth and prosperity. The american dream is lived by the ignorant!
12/3/99
My mind can’t feel.
It knows only logic, fear, insanity.
My broken heart continues to beat.
Thus is explained my inability to feel.
Was it cowardace, that I could not kill myself?
Was it perversity, that I longed to feel that pain?
Was it humility, that I felt to honored to feel such love?
Was it fear, that I would not let myself die?
I felt so honored
and yet these voices....
“If you were not afraid, then you would let love, yourself, die”
And truly I was afraid. I was most afraid, but now, I am free.
