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37,000 feet above Pennsylvania…
Todd sat back in his chair. First class was quiet. Peaceful. Alone.
Alone in his thoughts.
A lighter flicked open. Todd opened his eyes. What? What was it doing here? He shot up out of his seat.
“All right, take a hike. Back to Coach,” he said.
“You know Todd, you spoil everything. Téa was fun. We were having fun. You’re not much fun Todd. You oughta’ lighten up a little bit. We never should have let you out,” said Tom holding the lighter.
Todd looked away. It’s a dream. It’s not real. Todd checked the seat in front of him. Empty. Good.
Again, he heard the flick of the lighter. He whizzed around, only to find Rodd, in a tux, with a white scarf around his neck, holding the lighter.
“Jou no havea the smarts Todd. The flame. And the love. You distinguish. Now, you don’t have any love. Isa very sad,” said Rodd.
Todd bolted out of his seat toward Rodd only to find it empty. Empty! What?! It can’t be real. I faked it!! I did. He sat back down in his seat and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes to rest. Peaceful. The hum of the airplane filled the air.
That flick. His eyes flung open. Pete held the lighter.
“Nice try. You can fly all you want. You’re never gonna’ get away from your father. Give me your hand,” said Pete softly. Calmly.
“No,” said Todd. He was afraid. Finally afraid.
“I said, gimme your hand,” Pete reached for Todd and held his hand over the flame of the lighter.
“Feel that? Yeah, I know you do. ‘cos you feel everything. That’s your problem. You can’t fool me anymore than you could fool your father. You feel pain Todd. You always will,” said Pete.
Todd held his hand firm. He could feel the heat of the flame but he would not cry out. No. No satisfaction. None for Pete.
Todd bolted upright in his chair. His hair – wild. Oh my God. It can’t be!!
“Please return your seat back to upright and locked position – fasten your seatbelt and prepare for a very bumpy landing. You mind your manners Mr. Man,” said Ms. Perkins standing over him. Without another word, she puckered her lips and walked out.
Todd held up his own hand. The lighter was closed. He swallowed. Hard.
It’s real. The DID is real and no one would believe him. Not Viki. Not Téa. Not Sam. Not after hearing…Pete’s voice on that little pink tape.
Pete’s voice – the voice that was his own. Pete. Rodd. Tom. Ms. Perkins. Real. All real.
What am I going to do?
“Mr. Manning,” came the flight attendant’s voice, “We’ll be landing in LaGuardia in 10 minutes. We’re in our final descent. Do you have a connecting flight?”
He looked around from his seat wiping the sweat in his hands on his jeans. She was standing at the entrance.
“No. No. Need a flight. Book me on a flight…” stammered Todd.
“Where to Mr. Manning?” she asked.
Todd bit his lip. Who would believe him? Who? Who?
“Chicago. I wanna’ go to Chicago…” said Todd decisively.
She nodded her head, “I’ll make the arrangements Mr. Manning. Just pay for the flight at the ticket counter.”
“Sure Lady,” said Todd.
She left.
Michelle would believe him. Michelle knew. She may have been out of his life but she knew. In his gut. He knew she would believe in him. like she did all those years ago.
The plane landed and Todd make arrangements to go to Chicago.
A day later…
Todd stood outside the apartment complex that stood on the site that used to be his home. He stood there – shocked. Expecting to find his childhood home – now finding nothing. Finding disappointment. He wanted to walk into that house. Make it real. Convince himself it was real.
“But I didn’t want to go back. It’s scary…”
“Wuss!”
“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!”
He couldn’t walk into it now. Not now. Couldn’t make it real.
“Damn you Father. Leave me alone. Stop haunting me,” Todd said outloud.
Todd walked away, down the street. He ran a hand through his hair. What now? Now? He spied a phone booth at the 7-Eleven on the corner. He strode to the phone booth with purpose. Smith. Smith. 41 Birchwood. Yes! Smith. 41 Birchwood. She’s still here. Here. He found his rental car and drove off. Drove to 41 Birchwood. Michelle would know…
He thought back…remembering Michelle…
14 year old Todd Manning stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. His father was out on a business trip all weekend. A reprieve. He was content to be alone.
The doorbell rang. Who? Todd reached for a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and ran for the door – his hair still wet. He flung it open.
“Ah, Todd…” stammered Michelle, “Ah, have…have I come at a bad time?”
Todd ran his hand through his hair, “C’Mon in.”
Michelle stepped past him into his house. Todd shut the door and followed her in, passing her up, going into his room. She followed him in. She sat down on his bed and he stood up next to his desk fumbling with books, a bit uncomfortable, “So…ah…what brings you over?” he asked finally putting the books down and looking at her.
“Ah, well…I was…hoping you’d want to go to that movie we talked about,” she said.
“Oh. That. Yeah. Why not?” he said awkwardly. Finding her eyes. Soft.
Her eyes were so soft.
“Todd?”
“Yeah?”
“Your legs…”
He looked at his shins. Bare skin revealed by his sweats pulled up to his knees. There was a fading contusion on one leg and a fresh one on the other.
“You didn’t get those bruises playing football did you?” she asked gently.
“No. I didn’t,” he said crossing his arms, becoming uncomfortable.
“How?”
“You don’t want to know how,” he said. Hard. His voice was hard. He could take it. Take the pain.
She stood up and played with her hands, “I want to know Todd. I think I know. I’ve been over here a lot…”
“Michelle…”
“It’s your father, isn’t it Todd? I’ve seen him with you. He hits you, doesn’t he?” she whispered looking down and then finally looking up into his eyes.
“Yeah. He hits me. I deserve it,” said Todd.
She walked into his personal space.
“You don’’ have to lie to me Todd. I don’t think you deserve it. I know you. The Todd I know doesn’t deserve the treatment your father gives you,” said Michelle.
He stood in front of her, not saying a thing. Watching her. Intently. Slowly, she raised her hand.
“Will you let me…touch you?” she whispered.
He nodded his head.
Her fingertips brushed his soft cheek. He was mesmerized by her gesture.
Aggressively, he leaned in but paused. Taking a breath, he kissed her. She returned the kiss.
He broke away, “I’ll never lie to you.”
“And…I won’t lie to your either…” said Michelle.
He pulled the car over. 41 Birchwood. He was here. The house was the same. She has to be here. She’d believe. He got out and walked to the door, pausing to knock.
“She’s nice Todd, but Téa…your wife…she’s the one the you want…”
“Téa doesn’t want that loser. He lied to her!”
“Shut up! Shut the fuck up! You leave Téa alone! I love my wife and I know she loves me!”
He took a breath and knocked. Loudly.
The door opened and an older man opened it.
“Mr. Smith. Michelle here?” he asked. Her father. Had to be her father. Couldn’t remember. Long time ago…
“I know you,” the older balding man said, “But I can’t think of your name.”
“I’m Todd Manning. I went to school with Michelle,” he said abruptly, “Is she here?”
The older man crossed his arms, “No. She’s not. You haven’t been in touch have you?”
“Where is she? I need…to talk to her…” said Todd, his voice shaky.
“Don’t you know? She’s with the state department – overseas in China…” he said.
“China…?” muttered Todd.
“You want me…?”
“No,” muttered Todd, “No.”
Todd turned around and walked away.
She’s not here. His stomach was in knots. Shattered, Todd walked back to his car.
“Go back to Téa…explain to her…”
No. Not now.
“Téa loves jou Todd…”
He drove off not knowing what to do now.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Love & Anger: Todd – Part 2
Late at night, Chicago on a cold December pier overlooking Lake Michigan…
He stood at the end of the pier overlooking Lake Michigan. He always used to come here to think when he was kid. He had been in town a day or two since leaving Llanview. It was dark. Like his mood. His attitude. He wore a long brown coat to keep out the cold. His hands where tucked deep into his pockets. It was frigid but he didn’t feel a chill. His body shook but he didn’t realize it. He didn’t feel a thing. Not physically. He coughed.
His thoughts were chaotic. He couldn’t put them in order. He wanted to find Michelle. She would believe him. She wasn’t here. She never would be again. He had it all in the palm of his hand. Starr. Téa. A family. And he loved Téa. He had kissed her passionately after the minister pronounced them married – and he meant it. He loved her. He danced with her. Romantically. He carried her over the threshold. He lit candles, poured champagne – admitted to her he was scared. But he over came it and kissed her. Taken off her necklace – they were on the bed, arms entwined and he was going to make love to her. Tenderly. Gently. He was going to make love to his wife…the woman he loved. He had only made love like that one time before – with Michelle. Blair – it was different with Blair. Fuzzy. And feelings, while physically intense, were not deep. Not deep like they were for Téa.
He was going to share his body – physically – intimately – with his wife. And it was taken away from him brutally because of a lie that was the truth.
He was thinking about so many things. His thoughts ran together and sometimes he heard their thoughts too. Telling him what to do. How to feel.
He looked down and saw the icy water of the lake lapping up against the pier’s support struts. Cold. The water looked so cold. He coughed again.
I need a reason…can’t think without one now…
“What do jou want, Todd?”
“Peace. I want Peace. Shut up Rodd.”
“Mind your manners…”
An erotic visual entered his mind – he was in her arms on his wedding bed, half undressed, Téa half undressed, his mouth tenderly suckling on her breast…
“You know what I want Rodd? I want my wife! And my daughter. Together. As a family and I can’t have that because…because…”
“…because of your father Todd? He haunts you Todd…”
“Yeah! I want my father out of my life but I can’t confront him!!”
A cold breeze stung his face. He sniffed as he felt it.
They gather and they shout at me screaming lady don’t…lady don’t go…
“Téa’s cool Todd. I like Téa. She’s fun Todd…”
“Téa does not know the DID is real Todd. If she knew it was real…”
Change gears. Too depressing to think about Téa like this…
“My daughter needs me…” said Todd outloud to himself. He closed his eyes picturing Starr. Playing with her. The tent. With Téa. His voice was rough and dry.
“Daddy Bear, Tee Bear, and Starr Bear…”
He started swaying as he lost himself in his thoughts further, going deeper into the memories of his mind…
Do it. You want too…
Think about what you’re doing…
It’s not the morally right thing to do…
A blast of wind whipped off the lake’s surface. He coughed hard as it hit him.
A flash – Téa’s lips on his. Téa in his arms. Her arms – her scent – surrounding him…
The morally right thing to do is to be a father to my daughter and a husband to my wife…
“ARGH!!” he screamed into the night pulling his hands out of his pockets, clenching them.
“Téa!! Starr!!” he screamed, “I need you!! I need you and I don’t know what to do about it!!”
Again, a cold blast of wind struck him, increasing his swaying.
“Get help.”
“Jump.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!!” he screamed into the dark of the night.
“Jou are a survivor Todd…”
The water looked cold to him. Icy. The wind was sharp and brisk. He could feel himself swaying back and forth on the end of the pier like it was precipice. He couldn’t stop the flashes of Téa. Or of Starr. Or of his father. Todd Manning never wins. He never gets what he truly wants…!
Another sudden blast of frigid air swept past him. A tear froze on his cheek.
“Téa!” his scream was loud. And raw. He miss-stepped because of the fierce wind and quickly it snapped him out of the revelry of his tortured thoughts. He felt the pier disappear from underneath him.
“Reach out – damn you Todd!”
I don’t want to die!!
He lunged out desperately grabbing onto the edge of the pier, scared to let go and slip into the ice freezing water.
He felt another hand on his.
A strong masculine hand pulled him back onto the pier.
“Mister, are you okay?” came a voice, “I heard you yelling.”
I always get what I want. I’m Todd Manning. You know how I am when I want something.
“I need a doctor,” said Todd. He stood before the policeman who looked at him full of concern. Snot was dripping out of Todd’s nose. His whole body was shaking. He didn’t know what to do with his arms, crossing them and uncrossing them.
“Yeah…sure Mister. What kind of doctor?”
“I need…a head doctor…” coughed Todd. His voice was horse.
The cop wrinkled his brow, “I saw what happened. The wind is bad.”
Todd rubbed his face with hand.
The cop reached out and grabbed Todd’s arm helping to brace him and pulled him away from the edge of pier, “You’re sick Mister.”
“I know…” said Todd, “I want to get better…” spat Todd. His whole body was shaking.
The cop noticed Todd’s eyes were glassy.
“Yeah…you need a doctor but I’m not sure if you need a shrink right now.”
The cop reached for his mag light, “Spit.”
“Huh?” sniffled Todd.
“I want you to spit!!” said the cop.
Todd spit on the pier. The cop flashed his mag light onto Todd’s spit. It was red. Laced with blood.
“I’m taking you to a hospital Mister. I think you’ve got pneumonia,” said the cop.
Todd sniffled and said nothing. The cop lead him down the pier and helped him to get into his car.
She wants me to get better…Starr wants me to be the dad…
Téa wants me…she married me a second time…for love! Love…if she knew…she loves me. She does…
The cop drove off noticing how Todd’s body still shook from the cold air.
TO BE CONTINUED…
