Love & Anger: Todd – Part 3
Previously…
“I’m taking you to a hospital Mister. I think you’ve got pneumonia,” said the cop.
Todd sniffled and said nothing. The cop led him down the pier and helped him to get into his car.
She wants me to get better…Starr wants me to be the dad…
Téa wants me…she married me a second time…for love! Love…if she knew…she loves me. She does…
The cop drove off noticing how Todd’s body still shook from the cold air.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
..December,
Chicago Medical Hospital…
Todd lay in his hospital bed, a bit groggy. He was on medication – anti-biotics. He had been told he had pneumonia and was being treating for that. He ran his hands over his face and struggled to sit up.
Screw the pneumonia! He had to get better so he could go back to his home. He wanted to get better!
You’re damaged goods Todd. You don’t know anything about intimacy…
Shut up! I know plenty! Get out of my head! I won’t let you hurt Téa!M
Mind your manners, boy!
A doctor walked into the room and Todd looked at him full of suspicion. He was older. His hair was thinning and he wore glasses. He was dressed in a white overcoat and held a chart.
“Who are you?” asked Todd gruffly. He sniffled. Damn pnuemonia!
“Your doctor, Simon Lake,” the doctor replied.
“Well, when can I get out of here? You’re not the kind of doctor I need,” said Todd crossing his arms.
“What kind of doctor do you need?” he asked.
Todd grunted.
“The cop who brought you in said you wanted, no, insisted you talk to a shrink. A therapist,” continued Simon.
“Yeah. Whatever,” said Todd on his guard.
“Well, I’m a therapist. And I’m here to help you if that’s what you want,” finished Simon frowning at Todd.
“Why you? Why should I trust you?” asked Todd defensively.
“See anyone else jumping up to be your therapist with your endearing personality?” grinned Simon giving Todd his attitude right back at him.
“You’re a snarky one,” remarked Todd almost impressed with the doctor’s aura.
“I give as good as I get. You’ve got…an attitude I must admit, but you are intriguing and if I can help you, I’d like that opportunity. But, if I can’t, you let me know right now so I can walk out that door,” said Simon matter-of-factly.
Todd paused and looked into the eyes of the doctor. Eyes were the windows of the soul. His eyes were green. Soft green…with an edge to them. This doctor was confident in his abilities. A bit cocky. Sure of himself. No nonsense. Smart. He would have to trust…this doctor. Like he trusted Téa. Like he trusted Michelle.
“Stay,” said Todd.
Simon allowed a grin to escape his lips, “All right, I’ll stay. Now tell me, why do you need a therapist?” asked Simon reaching for his clipboard.
“I hear…voices in my head,” said Todd. Careful. He wanted to be careful still. Guarded.
“Voices? What do you mean?” asked Simon raising an eyebrow.
“Voices. I’ve got an old spinster woman running around up here,” said Todd pointing to his head, “I’ve got this goody two shoes kid and this…romantic wanna be Russian…Italian whatever gigolo and then I’ve got one of the meanest, sickest bastards my father ever created named Pete!” spat Todd. His voice was laced with sarcasm, “And I want these voices to go away!”
“Disassociative Identity Disorder?” said Simon.
“I know what DID is. I’m crazy. In the head. Like my sister…Viki…” continued Todd.
“You have a sister who had DID?” asked Simon writing notes in his chart.
“Yeah,” confirmed Todd.
“Why do you want the voices to go away?” asked Simon.
Again, Todd hesitated. Was this a trick question? Didn’t real people want to be…alone in their thoughts? Trust. He was never big into trust.
“I have a…daughter. Who deserved a father and a wife…who deserves a…husband…” said Todd awkwardly stopping and pausing while he said that. He didn’t want to give out too much information.
Simon put the clipboard down, “Where’s you family now?”
“Pennsylvania. I don’t want them to see me again…until I’m better,” admitted Todd.
“Where in Pennsylvania?” asked Simon.
“Llanview,” replied Todd abruptly.
“You do realize their support…” started Simon.
“No! I don’t want them to see me with all these voices in my head. When…when the voices go away…then I’ll go back. Not before,” said Todd firmly and adamantly.
“Well, if you’re willing to work hard so am I Todd,” said Simon, “Now it looks like your pneumonia is getting better. I’m going to order a complete physical…” started Simon.
“Do what you gotta’ do,” said Todd.
Simon reached for his clipboard and began writing notes again.
Todd studied the man before him who promised to help him. He liked his style. Didn’t seem like a touchy-feelie guy. He let out a breath. A deep long breath laced with a cough. Trust. That was a big word for him. Trust.
“All right Todd,” said Simon snapping his clipboard, “I’ve got some things to do. You’ll stay here a few more days recovering from the pneumonia. Then, I’m going to admit you to a private clinic…”
“A clinic? You mean a nuthouse don’t you?” spat Todd, “No nuthouses!”
“No Todd, I mean a clinic. You’ll have your own room and access to all the facilities the clinic has to offer. If you want to get better, you’ll play by those rules,” said Simon firmly.
“Are all shrinks like you?” asked Todd.
“Like me? How am I like?” asked Simon mildly amused.
“I dunno. You’re not what…I expected,” said Todd.
“Good. I’ll keep you on your toes. Look, I’ll be back later on tonight. And I’ll have some questions for you to answer. If you’re serious about what you want, I’ll find out then,” said Simon. He turned around and walked out.
“Yeah, I’m serious…” muttered Todd.
Jou better be serious…
You’re a chicken shit Todd. You won’t tell that guy what he wants to know. You can’t deal with it…
Shut up Pete! Shut the fuck up. Stay away from me! I’m not a chicken shit. I’m Brave! I’m strong!
Todd clutched his head and fell back on the pillow.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
..Later on that evening,
Chicago Medical Hospital…
Dr. Simon Lake walked into Todd’s hospital room surprised to see Todd looking out the window. Simon stood there watching Todd, waiting for Todd to acknowledge him. Nothing was said.
“What? I know you’re there,” said Todd dressed in the blue hospital gown.
“Good,” said Simon, “Now tell me what you were doing on that pier Todd. Did you intend on committing suicide?”
Todd wiped around, “What?”
Simon held up a tape recorder, “Do you mind?”
“You need it?” asked Todd scowling at Simon.
“It will help my treatment…” commented Simon.
“Then use it,” said Todd.
“Thank you. Now do you think you could address the question at hand. Do you have suicidal thoughts? Did you intend to commit suicide a few nights ago?” asked Simon bluntly.
“I dunno…” answered Todd.
Simon raised an eyebrow, “Todd, I need a little bit more than I dunno…”
“In the past, I thought…if I just went away for good – everyone in my life would be better off. I guess I thought that again. That’s why I left Llanview but it’s different this time…” started Todd.
Simon nodded his empathetically nodded his head.
“Do you know what I’ve done?” whispered Todd turning to face Simon.
Simon nodded his head no.
There was a pause. A jerk to the head, “Todd’s a rapist,” came a cynical reply, “Todd’s worthless and he’s always known that.”
“And who might you be?” asked Simon.
“Call me Pete. And shut up about suicide. Todd can’t handle it,” sneered Pete.
Simon remained calm and shrugged his shoulders, “I did some research on Todd’s criminal record. I’m aware of your pardon,” said Simon bluntly, “You – Todd – are not as worthless as you think you are and we both know it.”
Another pause and another jerk, “I’m good, huh? I like to be good and have fun…”
“Todd?” questioned Simon.
“I’m Tom,” he grinned.
“So Tom, did Todd want to commit suicide?” pushed Simon.
Hesitation. A pause. A jerk. A deep breath. “Go away…go away…go away…” mumbled Todd under his breath.
Simon could see he was struggling until finally Todd looked up with a fierce determination, “Delgado. When she looks at me, she sees something…good…” said Todd, “And I blew it. I lied to her. Only the lie is a truth. I never lied to her before – until now…”
Simon had to focus. “You do realize two of your personalities just presented themselves to me?” questioned Simon.
“I know. They can’t keep their big fat mouths shut,” scowled Todd.
“So, you’re very aware of them?” asked Simon again.
“Yeah…” replied Todd.
Simon paused. What else had Todd talked about? Delgado…
“Who is…Delgado?” asked Simon.
“My wife. Téa Delgado. I told her I faked the DID but it’s not fake. It’s real…” said Todd.
“Do you want to die Todd?” asked Simon trying to use a softer word.
Todd shrugged his shoulders and looked away.
“Answer the question Todd – do you want to die?” asked Simon again.
“I’m scared. I’m scared of dying! I’m scared – of living!” said Todd passionately.
“Caught somewhere in between, huh? Tell me Todd you think about taking pills? Slitting your wrists? Shooting yourself?” asked Simon pushing him.
“No!” spat Todd trying desperately to push the voices aside and focus on his thoughts, “I haven’t thought of that…”
“What not? What makes you want to live?” asked Simon.
“My family!” said Todd raising his voice.
“Only you’re scared of living too? You’re scared you’ll screw it up?” asked Simon.
The air in the room was thick. And heavy.
“I did screw it up. That’s why I’m here,” said Todd. He was clearly upset as he struggled with himself.
“Okay, you screwed it up. Now, do you want to go out and get back what you had or do you want to spare your wife and child any further pain by killing yourself?” pushed Simon.
“I do not want to kill myself!” yelled Todd suddenly and then lowering his voice, “I want to get better. I want what’s mine. And Todd Manning always gets what he wants!”
Simon grinned, “You’re a survivor, aren’t you Todd? I like that about you. This therapy Todd – we’re going to go places you don’t want to go to. We’re gonna’ deal with stuff you don’t want to. It will be painful. You can’t avoid it any longer. You’ll have to deal with it.”
Todd swallowed, “I’m scared to do that too.”
“I’m going to prescribe an anti-depressant for now, all right. It will help you deal with…your feelings of fear and depression,” said Simon.
“Whatever,” said Todd.
I’m scared Todd…
You’re always scared of everything you putz!
Shut up!
Mind your…
You shut up too!
Simon clicked the recorder off, “That’s enough for now. I’ll come by tomorrow and we’ll talk again then. Get some rest Todd.”
“I don’t like to sleep,” said Todd.
“Try it anyway,” said Simon walking out. He made a mental of that. Pay attention to his new patient’s sleep patterns.
Todd looked at the door after Simon left. The therapist was all right. Wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He liked that about Lake. But sleep? Sleep scared him too…
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Love & Anger: The Todd Version – Part 4
Late December
Chicago
The Lake Clinic…
It was late at night. Todd sat down on his bed in his room looking out the window. It was cold outside. Ice was on the exterior of the window. He just continued to blankly stare out of it. It was Christmas and he missed…his family.
What family Todd? They turned their backs on you?
No! No! You made them do that! Shut up you sick bastard!
Todd bit his lip and looked around his room. It was sparse. A bed. A nightstand. A closet. Two pictures rested on the nightstand. Téa and Starr. This was for them. And Viki. He would make Viki see. He picked up Starr’s picture and stared at.
“Soon Shorty. Soon I’ll be home…” he whispered.
He had an intense session with Simon today. They had talked a lot about the time his mother left. Abandonment issues. These past two weeks had been suspenseful. Uncomfortable for him. He had raged and yelled and even once cleared off Simon’s desk in a fit of anger when it got too “painful” for him. He had faced Peter Manning again, relieving painful beatings and abuse at his hands. But the voices…more and more they were blending into each other. Into his voice.
He knew all this was just a build to talking about his father’s ultimate violation. Sex. His eyes narrowed. Sex.
He’d had sex before. Michelle. Marty. Countless, nameless faces. Carol. Blair. Sex. Love. Violence.
He looked at the phone. He should call Simon about these thoughts. He talked a bit about sex with Simon before. A bit. Todd rubbed his face beginning to feel uncomfortable in his own skin again. His first sexual encounter with a woman was Michelle and his father…
“Argh!!” yelled Todd.
“Take a pill Todd. He was doing you a favor…showing you what a slut she was…”
“My Ass! He never did me no favors! Never!” spat Todd. He got up and kicked a chair in the corner of his room, furious at the invading thought.
His mouth was wet and wiped the back of his hand on it turning around…only to spy Téa’s picture on nightstand. Sex. Love. Violence.
“I was going to give you what you wanted Delgado. I was going to have sex with you on your wedding night…” he choked.
“No, Todd…not sex. Jou were going to make love with your wife. There is a difference…”
“Difference? What’s the difference?” yelled Todd walking to the middle of the room as he felt air spin around him.
“Jou feelings. How Jou feel about Téa?”
“I need her. I want her. She’s my wife. I care about her…” answered Todd. The air continued to swirl around him and the features of the room started to get blurry. He could feel his pulse race.
“Jou relax Todd. I will…show…you what it means to make love to her…”
Todd stumbled to his bed, collapsing on it. He felt his pulse pounding but suddenly his mind was empty and he closed his eyes, trying to find…out what Rodd meant by that.
The room quieted down. Todd could hear only his heavy breathing as it mellowed out. Images filtered into his closed eyelids. Images of the woman he was…in love with. She was laughing. Smiling. Her eyes were wide and expressive. Her mouth – he liked to hear her laugh. See her smile. Her hair was up. He liked her hair up. They were at the Bayberry. It was Christmas time. Her clothes were tight, accenting every delicate curve. Her soft flesh. Her red lips. Like a delicious meal for a ravenous appetite.
He was rubbing her hands. And he was definitely feeling something. Tingles. She was making him feel tingles.
She leaned into him and he allowed her to kiss him finding out that he wanted her lips to do just that – kiss his. It was at the bayberry where he realized he found his five million dollar wife sexually attractive for the first time. He kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her. Letting the kisses get deeper – letting them grow. He’d kissed her this passionately and this deeply before… Everything went slowly. Eye contact. He reached out and grabbed her hand, brining it to his face. A gesture he enjoyed doing with her. And then he realized he was hard. “Todd, I love you, I do…”“We’ll make this work. I swear to you…”
She took her clothes off for him. Teasing him with her naked body. He’d seen her naked before. Soft and tender. She lay on the bed, enticing. Inviting. He watched her every move as he unbuttoned his own shirt. He took off his own clothes – looking at her with delight and fascination.
Finally, he stood before her, ready to devour his meal. He reached down and began stroking himself seeing her before him, naked. This was sex.
“No Todd…this is love…
It’s not sex? It feels like sex. She doesn’t know what I can do to her. How aggressive it can be…how I can be…
It’s love Todd.
He laid down on the bed next to her, kissing her, rubbing his naked body all over hers wanting – no finally doing what he wanted to do to her for the longest time. Fuck his wife.
No Todd. This is not fucking…
Todd licked her neck, eagerly tasting her the only way he knew
Todd…jou feelings…this is making love…
He dove into her. Thrust his hard cock deep into her. Thrilling her. Thrilling himself.
Kissing her…
Consuming her…
“I love you Todd, I do…”
“We’ll make this work…”
“Awww!” he moaned out loud, “Téa!”
Her arms wrapped around him…
“I love you Todd, I do…”
“Téa,” he swallowed, “Don’t you go away…”
He felt his climax…warm and moist on his hand, dribbling down his fingers.
He opened his eyes, gasping for breath, realizing just what had happened. He was still in his room but his pants were undone and it was obvious…he had gotten himself off. He swallowed – horrified at his actions.
Disgusting animal, aren’t you Todd?No, I’m not disgusting
Todd…it’s love…love…
Appalled, he stumbled into the bathroom and cleaned himself off, throwing up in the middle of his ordeal – not knowing what to think with all the voices in his head. One voice kept telling him he’d fantasized about making love to his wife and it was all right. Another voice told him what he’d done wasn’t right. It was unhealthy. He was torn – confused, now more than ever. He stumbled back to the bed again and reached for the phone.
“Simon, it’s Todd…”
Pause.
“I don’t know what I just did but…” he hesitated.
Pause.
“I think…I just…fucked my wife…”
TO BE CONTINUED…
