Love & Anger: The Todd Version – Part 5
Late December
Chicago
The Lake Clinic…
Todd walked into Simon Lake’s office, nervous and scared. Simon was dressed casually and looked tired.
“Well Todd,” said Simon reviewing a clipboard, “Lets talk. What did you mean by ‘fucking’ your wife?”
It was late, after midnight.
Todd swallowed, “I was looking at pictures. Starr. Téa. Thinking about wanting – giving her what she wanted.”
His breathing was labored. Simon noted Todd’s struggle to remain calm. Todd appeared anxious and nervous. Simon wrinkled his brow. Todd looked to be suffering from severe anxiety.
“You thought about your wife after looking at her picture…?” questioned Simon.
“Yeah…! Didn’t I just tell you about that?” exclaimed Todd flustered.
“Well, it’s apparent you’ve been evaluating your relationships with women. We discussed your mother earlier today. Now, Téa. What’s the connection? Women you’ve loved? ” asked Simon.
“Yeah. I guess. I dunno. I want my wife back!!” said a flustered Todd.
“All right. So you just fantasized that you had sex with your wife. A woman you say you love. Why did you tell me you fucked her? Why didn’t you say…you made love to her?” asked Simon. Again, he noticed Todd. Watching Todd clench and unclench his fists.
“It’s Pete. Pete. That’s all I know how to do he says…fuck women…”
“What about Rodd? The romantic one? What does he tell you?” asked Simon.
“That clown?! He insists it’s making love. “I” don’t know who to believe…” spat Todd.
“Todd, do “you” know the difference?” asked Simon.
“Yeah…I guess…” muttered Todd taking a take deep breath.
Simon wrote a note on his clipboard. “Full of anxiety over this issue.”
“What’s the difference Todd? Tell what the difference is,” said Simon.
“I…I…don’t want to fuck Téa – I want to make love to her. It’s more you know. It’s a look, I guess. It’s doing something nice for her. It’s making her smile. Making her happy I guess,” stammered Todd searching for words.
Simon took a note.
“I care about Téa. I guess. I guess that’s the difference. I don’t care when I fuck…a woman but I care about her…” said Todd.
“So you do know,” said Simon softly.
“But is it okay to think about it? To see her in my head? To touch her but not really touch her?” asked Todd.
“Yeah. I don’t see why not. She’s your wife, Todd. It’s natural to express yourself like this…” started Simon.
“Is it?!” asked Todd quickly, “It’s not sick?! My father would say that’s sick!!”
“Is your father here?” asked Simon.
“No. But Pete is,” said Todd.
“And what has Pete done for you lately?” asked Simon.
Todd laughed, “Not much I guess.”
“What you did Todd – it’s all right,” stressed Simon.
“I don’t think so,” said Todd.
“What are you feeling right now? Nervous? Butterflies in your stomach? Uneasy?” asked Simon.
“Yeah,” said Todd.
“How often do you sleep? Did you sleep at all tonight?” asked Simon.
“No,” said Todd, “I didn’t sleep.”
“That’s what I thought,” said Simon. He dug in his pockets and held up a prescription bottle, “This is Xanax Todd. It’s a medication I use to help treat anxiety.”
“You gonna’ give it to me?” asked Todd.
“Yeah, I am,” said Simon, “But I’ll be the one – for now who gives it to you. When I feel comfortable that you know how to use it, I’ll let you self administer it.”
“Why give it to me?” asked Todd.
“Because your sleep patterns stink. You need to calm down and this will help you do just that,” said Simon. He walked into the office bathroom and got a glass of water for Todd. He gave Todd a pill and the water and watched Todd. Todd stared at the pill for the longest time before taking it.
Todd stood there – not knowing what to expect. Not knowing how the pill would effect him. Suddenly a feeling of europhia passed over him. An intense wave of relaxation. He was feeling pleasant. Not thinking of much.
Just feeling good…things.
“Whoa…” said Todd finally.
Simon walked up to Todd and escorted him back to his room. To sleep.
The next morning…
Todd woke up. He didn’t remember anything about his sleep. No dreams. Nothing. He looked at the clock. 4 p.m. He’d slept long and hard. What now, he wondered. He was hungry and he wanted to talk to Simon again. What day was it? He got out of bed and showered, changing into a fresh set of clothes. He walked into the hall making his way to the cafeteria. New Year’s decorations littered the walls. It would be New Year’s soon. He wrinkled his brow. Next holiday he would be with them. His family. Viki. Starr. Téa. They were his family now. He walked into the café and got a sandwich plus some milk. He sat down near a window watching the snowfall while he ate.
“Todd?” It was Simon standing over him, “I see you’re up.”
“Yeah. You knew I would sleep that long, didn’t you?” asked Todd.
“I suspected as much. Your sleep patterns are erratic to say the least,” said Simon sitting down.
“Whatever,” said Todd, “I wanna’ go home for the next holiday. I don’t wanna’ be here.”
“It will all depend on your progress Todd…” started Simon watching Todd shovel his food into his mouth.
“I’ll work twice as hard Doc. I don’t care…” said Todd, “But…”
“But what Todd?” asked Simon.
“What happened the other night…will I have more…I dunno…dreams of Téa like that?” asked Todd. He didn’t know how to feel about that dream. It was incredible intimate and on one hand it made him feel good. It gave him a feeling of completeness to his incomplete wedding night. And on the other hand a nagging voice kept telling him he was dirty. It was filthy – touching himself like that. Longing for something so sinfully good.
“You might Todd. I believe integration is in process. A lot of things are going to come together. A lot of things are going to be confusing and we’re just going to have to deal with them as they come up. The different parts of you…that are remembering and dealing with things are blending into you. And you’ve shown me that while difficult, you’re allowing yourself to go there. From what I gather, allowing yourself to be close to those who love you and care about you is hard. Sex is confusing because you’ve experienced such radical extremes. Allow yourself to believe in yourself and others Todd,” whispered Simon.
Todd lazily threw the sandwich in his plate, “Allow myself to feel. Like what? Todd Manning…Fabio Stud? It’s not me.”
“No, it isn’t but a man who wants to have the physical relationship you so desperately desire to have with a woman, your wife, is normal and healthy,” said Simon firmly.
Todd said nothing, holding back his initial reaction of fear.
“So what…you think this is the Rodd part of me trying to help me deal with the love junk?” asked Todd.
“If that’s how you think about it,” said Simon.
“Great,” said Todd. He swallowed.
Simon noticed Todd’s physical cues. His nervousness. This type of talk made Todd uneasy and irritable. This would get very intense for his patient very quickly. Simon sat back in his chair, allowing himself a brief pause before taking on Todd again.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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Love & Anger: The Todd Version – Part 6
Early January,
Chicago,
The Lake Clinic…
“I don’t want to talk about that!!” shouted Todd bolting out of his chair, causing it to fling out from under him.
Simon Lake, Todd’s therapist, saw the fire and anger on his patient’s face.
He crossed his arms and watched Todd’s reaction. Pete would have vocal in his response, using curse words in a rapid-fire succession and Todd’s response was lacking that. He made a note. Todd went over to a nearby chair and kicked it.
“Show more respect for my furniture,” said Simon evenly.
“What? What kind of shrink are you? You care more about your furniture than you do about me?!” spat Todd with venom in his voice.
“Answer my question. You say you have frequent sexual fantasies of your wife. You say you can’t stop it. I asked you if your sexual fantasies get violent. You have issues with sex and violence and ignoring them won’t make them go away,” said Simon calmly but firmly.
Todd just started at Simon. His eyes grew narrow and he could feel the heat flow through his veins. Lately, the more he thought of Téa, the more he thought of sex. These thoughts of sexual intimacy were beginning to overwhelm him. He loved her – he wanted to be intimate with her but his dreams varied. One dream would be erotic. One would be tender. Once would be violent – a violent memory involving his sick bastard father and his first woman – Michelle Smith.
“You tell me – you tell me why I think about it…” hissed Todd, “You’re the damn shrink!”
“I think when you began having sex – when you began to experiment with sex and intimacy your initial attempts were violent,” said Simon noting Todd’s body language, “You aren’t used to the loving intimacy Téa offers you because of it.”
A flash of a naked young woman and a strand of blonde hair invaded his thoughts. Todd furiously blinked his eyes.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” said Todd. His voice was cold.
“Do you have fantasies of having violent sex with your wife?” pushed Simon.
“No!! I don’t want that!! Not with her!! I want our first time…!!” Todd paused realizing what he was saying.
“What about your first time?” asked Simon.
“I want it to be…gentle…” said Todd lowering his voice.
“How do you kiss her in your fantasy?” asked Simon.
Todd felt very uncomfortable, “Softly.”
“What position do you want to be in?” asked Simon bluntly.
“None of your business!!” exclaimed Todd.
“What position?!” pushed Simon.
“On top, I guess,” said Todd.
“Do you want to initiate the sex?”
“Yes,”
“In your fantasy, does she touch you back? Gently?” asked Simon.
“Yes. I don’t want to hurt her! Not again! And not with sex! I “will” NEVER hurt Delgado with sex!!” cried Todd with rough emotion.
Simon stood up and walked up to him grabbing him by the arms, “I believe you. Now believe in yourself.”
Todd blinked seeing an image of a woman kissing him softly and tenderly, whispering words of love to him.
Simon noticed that Todd was strung out.
“What is it? What else do you see?” whispered Simon firmly.
“I do not hurt Téa. I do not sexually assault her. It is not violent between us in these stupid dreams!” hissed Todd.
A flash of a hard hand hitting delicate, creamy, naked skin. Blue eyes finding his in pain. Todd gasped for breath.
“Damn it Todd! What do you see?!” asked Simon.
“It’s not Téa…” whispered Todd.
Simon reached for Todd’s wrist and took his pulse. It was racing. Todd looked pale, flush, and gasping for breath and his eyes betrayed his confusion.
Simon dug into his pockets, pulled out a prescription bottle and produced a pill. He held it out to Todd. Todd hesitantly grabbed it and looked at it.
“I’ll get some water,” said Simon.
Todd remembered how good the pill made him feel the last time and took it on a dry swallow right before Simon. Simon stared at Todd, watching his physical reaction. Slowly, Todd regained his breathing. He stumbled back and sat down on Simon’s couch, running his hands through his hair. He looked up only to find Simon watching him.
“I want a haircut…” said Todd. His voice was relaxed.
Simon was surprised by his request, “Why Todd?”
“’cos I’m changing, Doc…” answered Todd.
Simon wrinkled his brow and waltzed over to his desk, grabbing his notes, intensely scrutizing them. He noticed the last alter he talked to was Pete, about 3 days ago. Today’s conversation would have brought out Pete. Should have brought out Pete. But Todd seemed to display a balance between Todd and Pete. Simon updated his notes and put them down, walking back up to Todd.
“Todd, I’m going to take you to your room to relax. We’ll continue this conversation later,” said Simon.
“Whatever,” said Todd. He was feeling very relaxed.
Simon crossed his arms. He was definitely going to continue this conversation later, with the intent to purposely provoke the alter “Pete.” Simon realized he hadn’t seen Todd’s alters in a while and he wanted answers.
TO BE CONTINUED…
