Love & Anger: The Todd Version – Part 7

Chicago,

The Lake Clinic…

“Patient is determined but sometimes I think he’s pushing himself too hard, too fast. Patient was physically abused from an early age – remembers his first forms of “discipline” around 4 or 5. Abuse continued through high school until the abuser, his father, died. Also, patient was abused emotionally and mentally. While the patient has not disclosed sexual abuse something has occurred with the patient as he has conflicting ideas about sex and violence. In order for me to provide “better” treatment, I need to get the patient to disclose what this something might be. Was it his rape of a girl named Margaret Saybrooke or another undisclosed incident?”

“Patient speaks of his daughter affectionately. Patient also has strong, warm feelings for his sister. Patient is also very much “in love” with his wife but because of conflicting emotions about violence is he is afraid of intimacy with her. I believe the patient has an incredible disposition towards tenderness and I believe he’s experienced compassion and “soft” physical love. I believe he is very capable of being sexually intimate with his wife in a non-violent way. He just has to realize it. This is very important to him.”

“Patient relates the frequency of his intimate dreams have increased. While he is not too forthcoming with details, I do believe he fantasizes of having sex with his wife. Again, I believe he desperately desire this contact with his wife.”

Simon Lake paused and took a breath. He tried to collect his thoughts and continued.

“Patient has a hard time relaxing. He has clear symptoms of physical anxiety. I have been using Xanax at a low dose to help treat him. Patient responds will to the medications, however patient needs to learn relaxation techniques in conjunction with the med.”

“Also, I am staring to see less and less of the patient’s alters as he deals with his issues. “Rod” the romantic alter is capable of an abundance of kindness. “Pete” is the alter capable of extreme violence. I believe patient’s biggest internal struggle is between himself and Pete.”

“I have talked to the patient concerning certain issues. He despises his father and has come to a certain peace with what he initially believed was abandonment by his mother. He is afraid his wife hates him but is confident whatever their problems, she would go back to him and they would work it out.”

Again, Simon paused and looked at his watch. He was seeing Todd in 30 minutes for a session. At this session he was going to push for Pete to come out.

Todd usually not one to exercise, was doing just that, a combination of sit-ups and pushups in his room. After finishing a set of sit-ups, he glanced up, only to see Téa’s picture staring back at him.

He paused.

He didn’t know how it happened, it just did. Physically, his wife was very attractive but it took him a while to realize it. He had always been attracted to blondes – with long hair, who were tall with light eyes. Michelle. Blair. He knew his father liked them like that. Tall. Pale. Pretty. When he had told her, she wasn’t his type during those uncomfortable contract negotiations, he’d meant it.

As he’d spent more time with her, he grew attracted to her. She wore her clothes well and she was pretty in a very different way – in an “exotic” way. Her brown wavy hair and her chocolate soulful eyes were so different – so unique. His father wouldn’t have given Téa Delgado a second glanced and he liked that. It meant she was all his and he didn’t have to share her.

The first time she turned him on was when he saw her in the nightie after she was screaming some nonsense about his bird.

The first time his physical attraction toward her scared him was on a cold February night when she took her robe off in front of him.

And the first time he felt confident enough to make physical love to her was on his wedding night.

Suddenly he felt a wave of pounding anxiety hit him. Pictures of women – women he’d had – flashed through his mind and he saw…Marty. Briefly. He choked. He’d make his peace with Marty. He had!!

Suddenly Téa entered his mind wearing that red nightgown looking very appealing.

He gasped for breath – never one to have such erotic dreams – why was he having them now?

She stood before him and smiled. He walked over to her, wearing what he was wearing now, sweats, and forcibility took her in his arms and kissed her with rough abandon. And she let him.

She laughed. She giggled.

He tore at the flimsy material, ripping it off her body and then he tore at his own clothes.

“Sometimes I catch you looking at me Todd like you want me. And you know what? I like it when you do.”

Naked. They were both naked.

He looked around. It was empty.

“I need you Delgado.”

“My husband, Todd Manning, will make love to me tonight…”

He reached out and placed his hand on the back of her neck, staring into her eyes. He followed the curve down her back and when he reached her naked buttocks, he pulled her into him and this time, slowly, he kissed her – tenderly, warmly. Like he envisioned kissing a woman.

He explored very inch of her. He walked around her, kissing the back of her neck, strangely calm and relaxed.“Delgado held my hand all night long…”

And while he did that he wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her breasts - so firm. He felt his own body, hard, and he rubbed himself against her, not ashamed to do so, moaning at how he delighted in these sensations forbidden to him for far too long. He hands went lower, caressing her soft, trim hair, exploring how wet she was for him. He really liked that that effect he had on her.

They moved in rhythm – in synch – in urgent desire and she took a quick turn, she faced him now and he took her, losing himself in the erotic flush of her face.

“I love you Téa…”

She faded away from him, slowly…

“We’ll make this work…”

He was left gasping for breath on the floor of his sterile room, his sweats moist from his explosion of passion.

“Oh God, not again. Not again!”

He stumbled to get up and tore off his damp bottoms throwing them in the garbage. He went to the shower and washed off the evidence of his intimacy.

“It’s not violent. It’s not…” he muttered.

“Marty forgave you…”

“Blair cared for you…had your daughter…”

He saw a hard hand going past him. He heard a slap strike soft skin. Michelle Smith took a beating for having sex with him and he never knew…if…he never made his peace with her.

He shut off the water and dried himself off finally looking at the organ which had caused so much pain to women he had come to care about. Limp. He was now limp.

He leaned up against the bathroom wall and slid down it, running his hand through his newly cut hair.

“I don’t understand…help me understand…” he muttered.

His head was quiet.

“You’re pushing me away Todd. Don’t do that. I’ll help you understand…”

“Pete?”

Pete’s voice was barely audible in his head.

“I’ll always be a part of you. Always.”

His body felt bad. He felt nauseous. His pulse was racing. He didn’t feel calm at all. He was scared and nervous. He didn’t understand the erotic, sensual dreams he was having. He didn’t understand what he was feeling.

The medication Simon would give him would calm him down. He needed it. Simon – the shrink. He had an appointment with him. He was late.

And then suddenly, he heard knocking on his door. It was him.

“C’Mon Todd! Open up! It’s Doctor Lake!”

Todd stumbled out into his room, grabbed a pair of pants and slid them on all the while trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Copyright by DimWitt 2000.

Love & Anger: The Todd Version – Part 8

Todd opened the door and Simon was immediately shocked at his appearance. Todd only had a pair of jeans on and he was bare chested. He was also wet. His breathing was heavy and Todd seemed agitated. Simon walked in and closed the door.

“What happened?” Simon asked.

Todd began to pace, “It happened again. I fucked by wife again.”

“There’s that word again, fuck. Did you fuck her or make love to her?” asked Simon crossing his arms.

“I don’t want to dream about it anymore Doc! I want to do it! I want to touch her and feel her next to me! I feel so…dirty…touching myself!” cried Todd and suddenly he saw a flash of a hand slap a soft delicate cheek and a vengeful look stare him in the face. Todd rubbed his eyes.

“What is it Todd? What are you seeing?” asked Simon immediately beside him.

“Nothing,” said Todd.

Simon grew frustrated. Todd was seeing something but wouldn’t confide in him.

“Why is sex confusing to you?” asked Simon, “Is it the rape?”

“Rape?” asked Todd surprised by Simon’s question, “You mean Marty?”

“Yeah,” said Simon. He had to start somewhere in the hopes of getting Todd to open up.

Todd rubbed his eyes. It wasn’t Marty who was naked and getting slapped around in these visions he was having.

“I made my peace with Marty concerning the rape. I swore I would never harm another woman to her and I meant it,” said Todd feeling confused. As he walked past the mirror he noticed he wasn’t wearing a top and he stopped to stare at his naked chest in the mirror.

“What are you thinking right now Todd?” pushed Simon.

“My wife. Téa. She’s never seen me without my top on,” he muttered.

He studied his broad chest. He was lightly covered with hair. His pecs were well defined and his abs formed a tight “six-pack”.

Todd turned to Simon, “I’m a good look man, aren’t I?”

“Yeah. Sure. You’re in a lot better physical shape than most,” said Simon.

“Blair…she’s seen my body…” said Todd softly continuing to stare at himself, as if mesmerized – in a trace – fighting something back.

“Blair is your first wife, right? What did she think of your body?” asked Simon.

“Blair liked…to touch me,” he said.

“Did you like to touch her body?” asked Simon.

“I never felt comfortable touching her body but I did,” said Todd softly.

“Why?” prodded Simon.

“Because of the games she would play…” admitted Todd.

“How do you think Téa would react seeing you like this right now?” asked Simon.

“I think she would stare at me. Ogle me. Study me. I dunno…she’d be delighted…” he thought out loud. The word “delighted” sounded “off” to him and it snapped him out of his trace. He reached into his drawer and grabbed a sweatshirt, putting it on and covering himself up.

“You have a body most women desire in a man. Accept that,” said Simon.

Todd began to pace again, nervous and confused, “What’s happening to me?!”

“You’re coming together,” said Simon.

“Or falling apart,” said Todd, “I’m seeing and feeling so many different things. Disgust. Pleasure. Disapproval. Desire…”

“You are not falling apart. You’re seeing memories you might have realized you had as your alters let you take control. You’re feeling emotions you didn’t think you could because you blocked them but now – your mind is telling you you’re ready for them and they’re flooding your senses…” explained Simon, “Soak them up Todd. Take them into you. Let them become a part of you. Don’t fight them. Accept them.”

Todd just blankly stared at Simon, as he felt his stomach tie itself up in knots.

“But not all of these so called memories are wonderful Doc. Some are pretty bleak like the beatings – nights of rough sex with woman – why does…what does…Téa see in me?” cried Todd.

“The good Todd. The good. We’ve talked about what you think she sees in you before. She’s seen you laugh and smile and be a good father to your daughter. Don’t forget that…” said Simon.

“Sometimes I catch you looking at me Todd, like you do and you know what? I like it when you do…”

The shrink was right. Téa had seen that side of him as well. It relaxed him a bit.

Simon finally paid attention to Todd’s body language. He was exhibiting signs of stress and anxiety. Simon reached over and took Todd’s pulse. It was high.

He got Todd a glass of water from the bathroom and handed Todd a pill. Todd took it without hesitation and Simon watched as the pill took its effect. Todd relaxed as his mind became filled with pleasant thoughts.

Simon walked towards the door.

“You sleep Todd. We’ll talk more in the morning,” said Simon as he left.

Todd laid down on his bed and his eyes drifted to the pictures of Starr and Téa on the nightstand.

“I’ll be home soon…” he whispered, “Ready to be a father to you Shorty and a real husband to you Téa…”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Copyright by DimWitt 2000.