Love & Anger: The Todd Version - Part 9

The Lake Clinic,

Chicago…

Dr. Simon Lake sat back in his chair. He was expecting his patient, Todd Manning, at any minute for a therapy session. He reviewed his notes.

”Patient responds well to Xanax and is improving quickly. Patient’s levels of Xanax within his body are well within prescribed limits. I’ve developed a routine with him in which I administer a dose in the morning and a dose before he goes to bed. It appears to be working…”

The door opened and Todd walked in. While he looked healthy he appeared a bit nervous. Simon noticed that Todd looked very fit and motioned for him to sit down. Todd, in a confident manner took the seat in front of Simon.

“So Doc, haven’t we just about hashed everything out between us?” he asked crossing his arms.

“Have we Todd?” asked Simon throwing it back at him.

“Well, I told you about my father - about his abuse,” spat Todd as if it were a dirty word, “I told you about my crimes. Marty. Nora. I made my peace with Marty. Patrick. I told you about Viki and Téa. There’s nothing left to discuss,” said Todd, “So I wanna’ go home. I wanna’ get my wife back. I want to get my life back!”

Simon wrinkled his brow, “You do, do you? Why are you nervous Todd?”

“Nervous? I’m not nervous…I’m ready to go home Doc. Call Viki. She’ll come and get me until I can work things out with Téa,” said Todd, his voice firm and full authority, “I miss my sister.”

“You’re nervous. Your body language gives you away…” said Simon, “I think a few more weeks here…”

“No!” cried Todd looking at Simon fiercely, “No more talking. I’m all talked out! I’m all felt out. I haven’t felt so much in my life! I may not like what I’ve done in my life but I’m dealing with it…”

“You need more therapy Todd…” started Simon.

“Fine. Get me a shrink in Llanview. I’ll go to therapy there…” said Todd.

“Your body still physically reacts badly to stress and anxiety Todd. You have to be taught relaxation techniques and until then you need to be under a doctor’s care for Xanax,” replied Simon.

“Look, I know how to use the stuff Doc - once in the morning and once in the evening. I’m doing fine…” said Todd, “What I’m nervous about is…what if Delgado doesn’t want me now that I can be the husband she needs me to be?”

“Is there more?” asked Simon staring back at him.

“Or what if Delgado takes me back again and I hurt her…again?” finished Todd.

“What makes you think that Todd? I know how badly you want her. How could you think that you could hurt her?” asked Simon.

While Todd appeared as if he had truly gotten better from the therapy, there was a part of him that appeared skittish. Well of course he would. Why wouldn’t he? While Simon was convinced that Todd’s alters had integrated into him, Todd still had to get used to the newfound aspects of his personality.

“Nothing. Look, I just gotta’ make things right with Delgado. I just gotta. I’ve never known a chick quite like her… she makes me believe…” said Todd firmly.

Simon took a breath, “Fine. I’ll call your sister later on today and make arrangements to transfer your case to another therapist.”

Todd allowed a small smile to escape his lips, “Good.” He stood up to leave.

Simon stood up too, “As soon as I make the arrangements, I’ll notify you.”

Todd said nothing as he walked out.

Todd didn’t go immediately to his room. He was anxious about Simon calling his sister, Viki. He went to the cafeteria and got a bite to eat taking a booth in the corner of the café, near the window. He stared out the window and let his thoughts wander.

The visions of a man slapping a woman were now very detailed and he winced at it. He remembered it. He had made love to his first girlfriend, Michelle, and his father, Peter Manning, had found them. He was incensed. Those smacks were Peter striking Michelle - the girl he loved at the time. He didn’t want to tell Simon. Not now. Simon wouldn’t call Viki if Todd told him. This incident wasn’t going away either. During his therapy, Todd had relieved other memories of abuse - of beatings - of Peter’s name calling, but this one wasn’t going away. If he wasn’t fantasying of making love to Téa, he was reliving this one memory - a bizarre combination of love and anger but he wanted to go home so bad. Maybe if she held his hand, it would go away. Maybe if she held his hand and she slept next to his naked body, it would all go away…

And then suddenly, Todd found himself in another time and place…his bedroom in Chicago.

WHAM!

That slap hurt. He struggled against the ties that bound him as he watched Peter slap her again. His eyes got fuzzy and then he saw her - blood streaming form a cut next to her eye down her cheek - scaring her flawless features…

“Todd!”

He gasped, horrified.

“Téa!”

“Todd! Help me!”

“No! Téa!” he yelled as he saw Peter Manning strike his wife. Not him.

He’d never hit her!

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?”

He looked up into the eyes of one of the cafeteria’s bus boys.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said nervously rubbing his palms together. No, he couldn’t tell Simon. Not now. Yes - this was a memory but Téa had never been in it until now and now he was even more determined to be with her. To know she was okay and safe.

The Banner,

Llanview, Pennsylvania…

Viki Carpenter was swamped. She sat behind her desk up to her eyebrows in acquisition forms. The phone rang.

“The Banner. Viki Carpenter speaking,” she said in a business tone of voice.

“Ms. Carpenter? My name is Doctor Simon Lake. I’m your brother’s psychologist…”

“What?” muttered Viki taken a back, “I haven’t see Todd since November…”

“I understand this might be a shock to you Ms. Carpenter but your brother sought out my services for a problem he was suffering from, DID. I believe you are familiar with the term?”

Viki’s mouth dropped, “I don’t understand. Todd told me he had faked…”

“I assure you, he wasn’t faking. He’s undergone extensive treatment while in my care and he’s ready to go home,” finished Lake.

Viki could feel the adrenaline flowing through her body, “Where are you Dr. Lake?”

“Chicago. How soon can you be here?” asked the doctor.

“I’ll be on the next flight out,” said Viki. She arranged for someone from Lake’s office to meet her at the airport and she slowly hung up the phone, her body numb. She had suspected Todd’s DID was real but hadn’t thought Todd was aware that it was. She briefed Kevin that she was leaving and made arrangements to go to Chicago.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Copyright By DimWitt 2000.

Love & Anger: The Todd Version - Part 10

The Lake Clinic

Late at night…

Todd lay in his bed, awake, thinking. His room was dark. Black. Lonely. He wore only gym sweat pants to cover himself - more secure in his sexuality than he ever had been before. He took his hand and rubbed his bare chest in a comforting gesture. At first, his erotic dreams with Téa had unnerved him. A part of him was still unnerved but when they were happening he did enjoy them and now he wanted them to come true.

Tomorrow he would come face to face with his sister, Viki, whom he hadn’t seen in months. He felt a lot of anxiety about that. Todd didn’t think he’d ever come to care for the prim and proper Victoria Lord Carpenter when he first discovered they were related but to his surprise he did. It wasn’t easy at first. But there was something that kept ”pulling” him toward her, an unspoken bond that neither of them could fight. Finally, they both allowed themselves to embrace it and built a relationship between them. He had hurt Viki deeply with Pete’s ”false” confession that he was faking DID. But Viki had DID too and he was hoping - no, praying that Viki would find it in her heart to give him yet another chance.

Todd let out a deep breath. His “shrink” was always telling him to breathe when his body felt “shaky” - nervous. His “shrink” was always telling him to exercise - that would take the edgy feeling away but it never did - not like how that pill did. The doctor called it “Xanax”. Todd preferred that pill to everything else. It made him feel different, more relaxed, and it was quicker than any exercise or breathing was. He wished he could have pill now as his nerves ate away at him but he didn’t have access to any and it would be too much of a pain in the ass to call his shrink just for one pill he could live without.

He rolled his head and looked at his nightstand. Pictures of Starr and Téa dimly lit by the moonlight stared back at him. He loved them - both, deeply.

Love. He remembered a conversation he had recently with the shrink about love. The shrink was trying to tell him that love wasn’t “just” one feeling. It had degrees and you could love different people in different ways. Todd had just sat back trying to make sense out of what he was being told.

For the longest time Todd thought a woman could never love him. His mother had abandoned him but when he found his mother’s letters a rush of feelings and emotions made him feel good about her and women again. Viki had re-enforced those feelings. And Blair had made him feel love physically. And it was a good feeling. It was addicting. He didn’t realize sex could feel good. Marty taught him forgiveness. His daughter taught him how to feel protective - warm - how to be generous with hugs and affection. He liked that Starr needed him and loved him despite his past. It didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was that he was “her” daddy.

Blair had shaken his faith and ability to love a woman when they had broken up. He gave so much of himself completely to her. And she…hurt him…badly.

Téa Marisa Delgado gave him that faith back. It was slow. He liked her and admired her enough to marry her to secure custody for Starr and there was nothing he wouldn’t do for Starr. Téa was always honest with him. Honest. By his side, playing his loving wife. When he finally gathered up the courage to kiss her he discovered her lips were tasty and delicious - addicting. He grew to enjoy touching her and her touching him but he was always afraid he would hurt her with his intimacy. Not anymore. Oh, he knew their emotional bond was deep and he knew he could re-establish that bond again. And he knew now he wouldn’t hurt her with his intimacy this time.

He swallowed. All right, maybe he wasn’t that confident about hurting her but now he was willing to - no, he wanted to share a bed with her - with his soulmate.

No other woman moved him - effected him like Téa. Except Michelle. Michelle Smith. Michelle was the first person to believe in him. To love him. To trust him. And he would never forget that. That’s why he had tried to reach out to her now. Only she was gone. She was his past and Téa was his future. He was beginning to see in his mind something unsettling. And he was afraid to tell his shrink because he didn’t want the shrink to stop him from being with Téa now.

No! He didn’t want to deal with it now. He didn’t want to close his eyes and relive it. It hurt. He had just made love to Michelle and his father had discovered them, naked, basking in the afterglow. And his bastard father beat her - badly. Only now it was Téa in his nightmare.

Don’t think about it. Don’t go to sleep. Wait till you see her again. Wait till she holds your hand again. All she has to do is hold your hand, hold you in her arms and ”it” will go away.

Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough for him.

“Téa,” he whispered, “I love you.”

The next morning…

Todd stood in his doctor’s office waiting nervously for the door to open and Viki to walk through. His shrink had just given him a prescription bottle filled with those pills he liked. He had been “counseled” on the use of them but hadn’t really paid attention. He was too busy thinking about seeing Viki again.

Finally the door opened and Viki walked in. Todd took a breath as his eyes found Viki’s. She seemed…surprised. The shrink excused himself to give them a bit of privacy. For the longest time they just stared at each other.

Viki studied him, hard and it made him feel “antsy.”

“Well, aren’t you going to say something? Anything?” he nervously asked.

Viki kept her voice even, “So, to your surprise the DID was real?”

“Yeah - seems we have a lot in common,” he muttered, “But I’m better. I’m really better this time, Viki. I’m integrated.”

Viki finally smiled but kept the distance between them, “Now what Todd?”

“Now what?” asked Todd, “I want my life back! I want my family back - you, Sam, Starr, and Téa if she’ll have me.”

Viki couldn’t help but soften toward her brother, “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you Todd Manning.”

She held out her hand. Todd took it and moved, pulled Viki into a warm embrace, doing away with the space and distance between them, taking her into his heart.

“I knew you would believe me - you’d help,” said Todd, his voice shaking as he held her.

Finally they parted and Viki looked into his eyes, “I love you. That will never change. Now, how can I help you?”

“I know Blair still has the penthouse. And I need a place to stay until I win Téa back,” said Todd.

“Of course you can stay at Llanfair,” said Viki.

“And I’ll need your help in winning Téa back…” added Todd, staying close to Viki.

Viki paused, “Oh no Todd, you’ll have to take on that challenge yourself.”

“Viki…”

“Todd…”

It grew silent between them. Todd didn’t know what else to say to her.

“Do you have follow up therapy?” asked Viki.

“Yeah,” said Todd, “The doc is coordinating for a therapist now.”

“Good,” said Viki.

A sudden wave of love for his sister flooded him, “Thanks Viki. This isn’t easy for me…” he said awkwardly. He could feel that antsy feeling growing within him.

“Well, you’ve got quite a few challenges ahead of you Todd,” said Viki.

Her warm smile helped to calm him down. He could feel his nervousness subsiding and a growing confidence overwhelm him. He always got what he wanted. And he wanted his life back. And life met getting Téa, Starr, and the Sun back.

Again, his thoughts almost obsessively drifted to Téa. Her personality. Her face. Her eyes. The way she laughed. The way she made him smile. He had dealt with a lot of painful, emotional issues…issues he knew he would have to discuss with her if they were truly to come intimate…and he knew he wanted that. He’d had dreams of her and hopefully soon, his dreams would come true. He smiled at Viki.

“Take me home,” he said.

Viki’s own nervousness dissipated as she saw Todd’s smile. She returned it.

TO BE CONTINUED…

COPYRIGHT BY DIMWITT 2000