Love and Anger - Part 13
(Lyrics by Kate Bush)
- It lay buried here, it lay deep inside me. It’s so deep I don’t think that I can Speak about it…
That Evening…
After Blair and José had picked up Starr, Todd had gone upstairs to be alone. Téa remained downstairs to finish some work from the office. There were times when he felt so in control. So firm. So decisive. And there were times when this...memory…would take over and just cripple him. And it bothered him how he called Téa, “Michelle” in Viki’s office. How could he function? How could he get his paper back and run it if this nightmare became a dream - a dream that haunted him during the light of day? He had been fighting it - courting disaster by sleeping with Téa. Téa.
Téa had talked to his shrink and would sit in on his next therapy session. Damn Shrink! He wasn’t much good. Only good he was for was the pills. At least the pills made him physically feel better. He walked over to the nightstand, picked up the bottle and took a pill on a dry swallow. It was getting late. He expected Téa to show up at any minute. He walked out of the bedroom and down the hall into the another bedroom. A bedroom sparsely decorated as a nursery. Téa wasn’t expecting yet - but they hadn’t been using birth control. She could be if they continued sharing the same bed. If he continued making love to her. Could he do it? Did he have the strength?
- It could take me all of my life, But it would only take a moment to - Tell you what I’m feeling - But I don’t know if I’m ready yet.
- You come walking into this room, like you’re walking into my arms. What would I do without you?
Téa walked into the dimly lit room. She stood at the doorway, “I was wondering where you’d gone. The nursery, huh?”
He turned around, “So you said Blair and your brother were having a baby?”
“Yeah,” said Téa, “I get the impression…you might want one too?”
Slowly, she began to walk toward him.
“I always wanted a family with you Delgado. But not until I beat this nightmare thing…” said Todd. He put his hands in his pockets, looking at her intently. She walked into his personal space.
“I want that too Todd. A family. With you,” said Téa.
“Téa…” his lips paused, “I’m afraid for you.”
“Todd…”
“No. I think we should sleep in separate bedrooms until I beat this thing…” he said firmly.
“What?” muttered Téa, “Why?”
“I just think we should do it,” he said, not being able to further articulate his desire.
“Sure Todd, sure…” said Téa turning around and walked out, wiping a tear from her cheek.
-Take away the Love and the Anger, And a little piece of hope holding us together
- Looking for a moment that’ll never happen, Living in the gap between past and future…
She sat down in a chair, her legs up on the window sill overlooking the night sky. She sat alone in her thoughts, in her blue nightie. She ran her fingers over her hair. Why? Todd’s latest decision to have separate bedrooms upset her greatly. Things made sense but didn’t. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Todd’s reactions - But the pills. Why did Todd have to have a prescription to Xanax? That scared her more than anything. More than Todd’s fear of his nightmare.
“Téa!” came a loud scream, “Téa!”
She bolted out of the chair and ran down the hall and into Todd’s bedroom. “Todd!” she said running into the bedroom.
He sat up in bed gasping for breath, sweat on his brow, his eyes glassy, his hands shaking.
“You’re okay…” he muttered.
She nodded her head and went into the bedroom getting a cool cloth for him. She ran to his side of the bed and sat down on the edge rubbing the cool cloth over his hot, taunt body, trying to cool him down.
“What did you dream Todd? Did you dream about me…getting hurt again? Well, I’m not hurt. I’m fine…” she said soothingly.
He reached up and cupped her cheek in the palm of his hand, “You feel okay. You look okay.”
“I’m okay. I was in the other bedroom. You were frightened weren’t you? When you woke up and I wasn’t here. You still are…” she said firmly.
Todd wrinkled his brow and reached for his pills. Téa swallowed.
“Get me some water, huh?” he asked.
She complied with his request and brought him a glass of water, watching him take the pill. Swallow it whole. She could see the calming effects take their hold on him as she sat next to him. Her presence easing his worries. She stood up once she felt confident he was physically okay.
“Don’t go Téa!” he said quickly.
She looked at him. The pajama top unbuttoned.
“You wanted us to have separate bedrooms Todd,” she reminded him.
“Come here,” he said drinking her in.
She took a step toward him.
“I need you in my bed. Feeling you next to me. Feeling your arms around me - this way I know - without a doubt - you’re fine. You’re all right,” he said passionately.
She stood next to the bed, over him.
He reached up, putting his hand on her waist, pulling her onto the bed, reaching over her, aggressively burying his face into her shoulder as he ran his hands along her back.
“You feel fine. Put your arms around me - hold me like you do…” he said, his voice calm.
“Todd, I don’t understand. First you want me to stay away and now you want me to stay with you?” the confusion in her voice gave her away.
“Téa, it’s scary either way,” he said honestly, “And I’d rather be scared with you than without you. Stay in my bed tonight. Stay with me.”
She said nothing as she took him into her embrace, comforting him.
-We’re building a house of the future together. (What would we do without you?) Well, if it’s so deep you don’t think that you can speak about it…
-Just remember to reach out and touch the past and the future
-don’t ever think that you can’t change the past and future, you might not, not think so now-But just you wait and see - someone will come to help you.
That Evening,
José & Blair’s Townhouse…
José and Blair lay in the bed together. José wore pajamas with his shirt unbuttoned and opened. Blair wore a nightie and rested her head on José’s shoulder. José held her close in his arms.
“How are you feeling Blair?” he asked softly with concern.
“A little run down,” she admitted.
“You have to take care of yourself,” he said, “Maybe you should lay off Téa and Todd. You don’t need the stress. I don’t want you to lose…our child. I’ve never been a father before. It is surprising to me to see I do have…parenting skills to offer…”
“Betcha’ Téa thinks the same way,” said Blair. She paused before continuing, “You’re really happy about this, aren’t you?” She was surprised to find herself enjoying his touch.
“I suppose I am. I could easily fall in love with you. I think I am…falling in love with you…” he said honestly.
She turned into him searching for his eyes, “Love is such a loaded word José. I know…that I care deeply for you. I like you. I definitely like you. I’m pregnant with your child. I don’t mind that he or she is yours…”
“I guess that’s as good as it gets for now,” he whispered.
“The sex is good,” said Blair.
José’s rich laughter filled the room.
“You’re good with Starr,” said Blair grinning at him.
“I try. Like Téa does,” said José.
“Téa. Let’s talk about her,” said Blair forthrightly.
“I don’t know if I should talk about her with you. You despise her,” said José.
Blair made a face, “She was married before Todd.”
“Yes,” confirmed José, “It was not…a love match but they remained married until he died.”
“Like Todd. It wasn’t love when Téa married Todd either,” said Blair.
“She loves him now,” said José, “She’s very much in love with him.”
“She tell you that?” whispered Blair.
“She didn’t have too. I can tell by the way she talks about him…the way she worries about him,” said José snuggling closer to her.
“She worries about him? Really? He still doesn’t have DID does he? What’s with the therapy? It’s not going well?” asked Blair.
José wrinkled his brow, “Well, I have no indication it’s not going well. I think it’s only natural she worries about him.”
“Oh,” said Blair. She knew no more information would be forthcoming, “So what’s up with Enrique? I haven’t seen him around in a while. He knows I’m really pregnant now, right?” she asked.
“He knows. He’s coming over tomorrow for a housewarming dinner. Invited himself really,” said José lightly, trying not to upset her.
“All you Delgados are glaciers. Except you. You, José - actually have a pretty fiery heart…” said Blair.
José laughed, “Well, thank you for the compliment. I think.”
“Well, I suppose I’ll have dinner catered. Trust me, you don’t want me to cook. And I think I’ll have my cousin Kelly over. Sic her on Enrique,” giggled Blair.
José leaned into her and took her lips with his own. Between kisses he said, “No more words. I want you tonight.”
Blair took her hands, placed them on his chest and slid the top off of José’s chest. With a sexy grin, she began to nibble on his neck and they made love.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Love And Anger - Part 14
Late February
Llanview General…
Todd and Téa stood on the opposite sides of Luke Michael’s office, nervous and uncomfortable. Michaels looked up from his desk.
“You two can sit down you know,” said Michaels.
Todd scowled, “What are we waiting for?”
Luke stood up, “For your sister, Viki, remember?”
“Right,” said Todd, “I don’t like that you dragged Viki…and Téa into this.”
“You agreed to that too remember Todd,” said Luke, “Viki and Téa want to help you and I think you know that. Just like I do. Now, can I see your prescription bottles?”
Todd frowned and dug into his pockets and gave the bottles to Michaels. Luke examined them and gave them back to Todd. Téa watched the scene unfold with great interest.
The door opened and Viki walked in, “I hope I’m not late.”
Luke looked at his watch, “You’re right on time Ms. Carpenter. Have a seat,” he said politely motioning to the couch. Viki sat down and smiled at Todd who was still standing by the window. Téa said nothing and hesitantly joined Viki on the couch. Luke sat down on his desk watching Todd. Todd exchanged awkward glances with Viki and Téa.
“Well, let’s get going,” said Michaels.
Todd turned around and at looked his therapist, “Well, what do you want me to say?”
“You’re uncomfortable with Viki and Téa here,” said Michaels.
“Yeah. You knew that…” mumbled Todd.
“Todd…” said Téa getting his attention.
He looked at her. His eyes became soft.
Téa swallowed, “Todd, I’d rather be scared with you…than without you.”
“You play dirty Delgado,” he said.
“So do you,” said Téa.
“All right…all right…fine…I’ll fess up about the dreams…” stuttered Todd trying to find the words. Trying to keep the butterflies from entering his stomach.
Téa stood up and walked slowly toward Todd, “I know about the dreams. Nightmares. I’m in them. I get hurt in them. You worry about me - you’re torn, almost conflicted - you’re scared I might get hurt, but you…make love to me with such intense passion Todd, it’s confusing…sometimes…for me…” She stopped just outside of his personal space. Viki got up and just watched intently.
“Todd’s nightmare involves more than just you Téa but you do play a focal point in it…” said Dr. Michaels watching Todd and Téa interact intently. Viki glanced and followed his lead.
“I don’t mean to confuse you Delgado - I don’t know to describe what you do to me…how you make me feel,” said Todd.
“Téa, you know Todd claims you’ve taken Michelle’s place in his nightmare and we all know Michelle is an old girlfriend of Todd’s. So I want him to tell us what you have in common with Michelle,” said Luke firmly.
Todd wiped his hand across his mouth, “What do Téa and Michelle have in common? C’Mon Doc - that’s a no brainer. I love Téa. I loved Michelle.”
“Intensely? Passionately? Were you confused by their love? Do they laugh the same way? Do they keep your secrets, Todd? Do they know about the abuse and still love you? Have you made love to both of them or is it…just sex?” pushed Michaels.
“Look - Michelle was my first girlfriend, okay? She didn’t treat me like trash. She…I dunno…she smiled at me and she laughed at my jokes, all right…she made me feel good - like there was something good in my life…” explained Todd. He looked away, fighting the knots in his stomach.
“Your letter…” whispered Téa remembering the words in the letter he had written her.
“What letter?” asked Luke.
Todd crossed his arms as an uncomfortable feeling washed over him.
“I wrote Téa a love…letter…once,” he said.
Téa turned to Dr. Michaels, “I remember how Todd had written about my laughter…my eyes…how I made him not afraid of himself…”
Michaels nodded his head, “What else about Michelle, Todd? How did you meet her?”
“She was cheerleader and I played sports. I kinda bumped into her - accidentally - knocked her over really, while playing football. I didn't realize she was there," he explained, “I tried to say I was sorry and she said, ‘It’s okay, it’s no biggie - I was wondering when Todd Manning would notice me’” He looked away from Téa and continued, “After that, I saw her everywhere I turned. In class. In the café. At games. We laughed. We joked and then things got complicated…”
“How so, Todd?” asked Luke.
“She came over my house. First time actually. Thankfully, my father…wasn’t home. She saw bruises on my body. On my legs. I was careless - wearing shorts…I didn’t expect anyone. I told her how I got the bruises and I didn’t lie. I knew I didn’t have to lie for her. How my father took the belt to me…” Todd choked but continued, “She looked at me and then I kissed her…and she kissed me back.”
“What happened after the kiss? How did it complicate things?” asked Dr. Michaels.
“Don’t you get it? I wanted her. When I should have pushed her away I encouraged her even more…” added Todd, “After that, we went to places…other than my home. The lake…movies…she confused me…”
“How so? How did Michelle confuse you?” asked Dr. Michaels, “Did she…confuse about love or did she confuse you about…sex?”
“I dunno…I guess so,” spat Todd. He started wringing his hands. Tingles…Tingles…uncomfortable tingles flooded his body. He avoided Téa.
“Michelle…made my body - my blood - want her - on her own. My bastard father he forced my blood to want him - but not Michelle. That’s what confused me. Did I tell you what she did for me? For my birthday? Out of the kindness of her heart?” asked Todd.
Viki raised an eyebrow and shot Luke a glance.
“What Todd?” asked Luke watching him intently.
“She tried to give me a birthday cake. Came to my home with it. My father…scared her off…” Todd began to pace trying to rid himself of the butterflies, “Sam came by and interrupted my father while he was beating me. You see, the beating would get him off. He would beat me first before he would…make my blood boil. I stood up to him that night. I fought back. First time I did that. But it didn’t stop the bastard from leaving me alone,” said Todd taking a deep breath.
Viki walked over to Téa and put a comforting arm around her waist. Téa’s body was shaking.
“…and Michelle…nothing stopped her. She kept coming back. She was tough. Tough as nails. But had a heart so tender…” sputtered Todd, swallowing, trying to swallow his nausea down into the pit of his stomach.
“The birthday, that’s real, isn’t it?” whispered Michaels.
“Of course it was real!” said Todd, “It’s just as real…as the first time I made love to Michelle…the first time…the only time…it was over my house. She was comforting me and we were kissing and one kiss lead to another. I couldn’t stop what was in my blood and she couldn’t either. It was…a mix of pleasure and apprehension and she made me feel like I wasn’t dirty or disgusting only…” Todd paused gasping for breath, struggling to continue, “Only I didn’t know he was watching me - us - watching us fuck each other - watching us make love. My sick bastard father watched me come inside her and then he tore us apart - tore us apart from our physical connection. Threw me across the room like a rag doll. Michelle scampered for her clothes…rushing to throw them on as he…tied my hands…tied me up,” again Todd paused feeling wave after wave of anxiety overcome his body. His eyes became glassy.
“Michelle was dressed when he started to beat her. She didn’t make it to the door in time. Beat her like he beat me. Across her face. Blood came flying out her nose - as he disfigured her. Blood trickled down her chin from her mouth. Her eyes swelling up…her sweet smell...becoming putrid…”
Todd fell to his knees in pain, “A slap across her breasts, spit on her neck. He tore at her pants…but he didn’t come inside her like I did, no - he was so worked up he sprayed himself all over her face and she was crying…her sobs so loud…and I couldn’t stop it. I was tied up. And then he said she better tell the police she didn’t know who did it - who beat the living shit out of her because if she said it was him he would kill me. And then he told her never to fuck me again…” stammered Todd. He was upset, crying, shaking. And he began dry heaving. He couldn’t cover his mouth, his arms were shaking too much.
Téa bolted to his side, grabbing tissues to wipe his mouth. He continued for a bit until he physically couldn’t continue. She tenderly wiped his mouth and wrapped her arms around him like a protective lioness, “Querido…darling…I’m here. He can’t hurt you…he can’t hurt us…” she said in a soothing tone of voice.
Todd eagerly reached for his pills and took one on a dry swallow. Michaels turned to Viki and swallowed. Viki wanted to comfort Todd but didn’t want to interfere with Téa.
“Todd, I’m sorry…” whispered Luke. Téa looked up at Luke, tears in her own eyes.
“This is what you see late at night, isn’t it? Only it’s me - me - he’s beating…” she whispered rhetorically.
“Comfort him. Help him to relax…” said Luke.
Todd looked up, gathering breath, avoiding looking directly into her eyes. He couldn’t bare to do that right now.
“Todd…sweetie…why do you confuse us? I never knew your father…” said Téa softly, “Is it because I love you…as Michelle did?”
“It’s because…I love you…You believe in me…” he stammered, searching for words, “Like she did…”
She turned his face into hers, finding his eyes.
“I do believe in you Todd. I do. I love you. I do,” she said softly, but full of conviction. She snuggled into him, holding him close.
“The scent of your shampoo…” he whispered, “It’s so real…”
Luke bent down and got Todd’s attention, “Todd, I’m pretty sure I know what you’ve got, what’s wrong with you. I need to get a physical work up on you. I’d like to bring in Dr. Larry Wolek to do that. Will you let Dr. Wolek give you a physical?” asked Michaels getting Todd’s attention.
Todd nodded his head, ‘yes’, “Do what you have to…to get rid of this thing…” he whispered.
Luke stood up. Viki took him aside and whispered into his ear, “How can you be sure it’s PTSD?”
“He recalled a real memory about Michelle, didn’t he?” whispered Luke.
Viki nodded her head, “Sam told me about Michelle.”
“This is no nightmare. It’s real. I suspect it’s a trauma that didn’t integrate with the rest of him, it’s left over with nowhere to go. I’ll give Todd a day or two to get his wind back so to speak and see Larry. When I get Larry’s report I’ll recommend treatment options.”
Viki nodded her head.
Luke took a deep breath himself. He suspected the damage was worse than he expected but now that he knew where to start, he was going to help this couple in front of him. Help them to reach the potential he knew they had.
